Author's Note: I love coming back to a fandom after 15 or so years. Set mid-'Black Sun'. Extended scene in Koenig's office before the survival ship left. First section of speech (up to 'It makes a difference') is taken from the script.
NO GOODBYES
The chill was slowly permeating the air on Moonbase Alpha; the slow shutting down of the computer systems and conservation of power drawing everyone's energy to the point of ennui. No one was smiling. There was an air of defeat; one Helena Russell hadn't seen before even when they had been at the point of certain destruction. There had always been that last vestige of hope, a possibility that Commander Koenig would pull some amazing and magical stunt that would save the base and they would continue on their endless drifting through space - their journey with no destination.
But the black sun before them seemed to exert a power over everyone that was unusual. Not content with eradicating light, sound, mass and anything else that approached, it seemed to suck the human spirit out of everyone. And none felt it more than the six 'survivors' the computer had chosen to board the Eagle that would watch as the moon slowly made its last descent. Friends, co-workers and even family had started to turn the other way as they had made their way towards the Commander's office. A distinct 'them-and-us' vibe pervaded the base, even though the decision had been made randomly by the computer - something Koenig had been firm about to try and avoid such a situation.
They stood in a line before him, Helena thankful that she had Sandra Benes and Alan Carter on board with her - two friendly faces much appreciated. She shivered, regretting leaving her jacket in her quarters, but would collect it on the way to fetch supplies and belongings. Koenig paced in front of them, his tireless energy almost exothermic. She wrapped her arms around herself, watching as he moved up and down the line, looking at each of them in turn.
"There's nothing I can say that will alter the facts." He paused in front of Helena, his words addressed to them all but his eyes conveying a different message, before moving on. "If you're careful you have supplies enough for five weeks. If there's anything out there that can help you, then together you'll find it. If not..." He stopped by Alan, then cleared his throat as he reconsidered his sentence, the weight of their combined gazes pushing him to avoid negativity. "All right then, that's it. You lift off in twenty minutes."
Abruptly, he turned, dismissing them. There was a brief silence, broken by Alan. "Commander..."
He stopped, unsure how to continue, but Koenig shook his head, turning one last time to face them. "No goodbyes, Alan."
A small but humourless smile touched Alan's lips, and he snapped off a jaunty salute. "Yes sir."
The line broke formation, everyone following Alan's lead as he moved towards the door. Helena opted to stay where she was, her feet somehow rooted to the spot and unwilling to move. Sandra's reassuring smile bolstered her confidence, quickly followed by the knowing look Alan cast in her direction as he passed, and suddenly they were alone. The door swished closed behind her and the silence descended again, only broken by the soft hum and beeps of the computer and the muted conversations of those in Main Mission beyond.
"John..."
He looked resigned as he stepped down towards her. He knew her well enough by now to understand that she needed to question the order. She rarely defied him unless it was a medical emergency or someone - usually him - was in danger. But this time, even though she knew rationally it had been a computerised decision, there was a little part of her which wondered whether he had fixed the results to send her to safety.
"You're going."
"I'm not going." She was defiant. "Doctor Mathias can replace me."
"Like Hell he can. That list is final." Koenig sighed. "This isn't the time for the noble gesture."
"I'm not being noble." She clenched her hands into fists by her side, unseen. She desperately wanted to reach out to him, plead with him, touch him, shake him - anything to make him change his mind. "If anything...John, it's my life. If I die here on Alpha or somewhere out in space, what difference does it make?"
"It makes a difference." His tone turned pleading in response, his eyes searching for something in hers that showed she understood the unspoken implications. When she didn't respond, he reached out and rested his hands on her shoulders, squeezing lightly. "It makes a difference to me."
Helena didn't know whether it was the fact that there was the very real possibility everyone was about to die or that she may survive and Koenig wouldn't that made her want to push, but she wanted - no, needed - to know some answers to unspoken questions between them. They'd been dancing around each other for months, fleeting touches and small smiles holding promises that hadn't yet been fulfilled. If it was her last chance to find out, she was going to grasp it. "So you would have sent me whether it was your decision or the computer's."
He dropped his hands from her shoulders, fingers grazing down her arms. "Helena, I don't-"
"I want to know, John."
He spun away, striding over to his desk in frustration, and she took a couple of hesitant steps forward. "I don't know! What do you want to hear?"
"I want to know why you feel you have the right to decide my future! What if I want to stay here? Why couldn't you have chosen from those that wanted to leave?"
"Why would you want to stay when it's certain death?" he shot back. A triumphant look crossed his face when she faltered. "It's not easy to answer, is it?"
"You." Her answer was so quiet he almost didn't hear it, but she stood before him with her hands still clasping her arms almost as an unconscious defence against his responses. Her expressive eyes were daring him now to reciprocate, the low light catching a soft glisten that hinted at tears yet to spill over.
"If it was my decision, I honestly don't know." Koenig turned and gazed out the window at the blackness beyond, no longer shades of blues and purples and reds as they passed distant galaxies and unknown celestial phenomena in amongst the shining gems of stars, but a ceaseless, all-consuming, final black. He was leaning against his desk, hands gripping the edge perhaps as an effort to prevent himself from covering the few feet between them and taking her into his arms, holding her and not letting go as the moon drew ever closer to the sun, damn the computer's selection. "Knowing you're safe, on a ship that can search out a habitable planet and you can live your life? Nearly all of me would immediately make that choice. But a small, selfish part of me would ask you to stay, knowing you would say yes."
Helena slowly took the last few paces towards him, knowing his mind was made up. "I can't convince you to let Bob take my place, can I?"
He tore his eyes away from the window and looked back at her. The desk was low enough that his perch on the edge brought him almost to her level and she didn't have to lean back to look up into his eyes as she usually did. "The list is final."
"You won't come and see me off." It was a statement, not a question, and one she already knew the answer to. He didn't even try to justify it with any excuse, merely shook his head as he allowed himself a moment of weakness and touched her cheek, smoothing his thumb over the soft skin as if committing her to memory. A single tear broke free before she could blink it away and slid down, caught by the tips of his fingers. "John..."
"No goodbyes, Helena."
She leaned forward, giving him time to stop her, but there was no resistance and she thought she'd finally broken down his walls as she pressed a butterfly light kiss to his cheek. His eyes were closed when she pulled back, and she nodded to herself before turning to move away.
"Wait-" he grasped her arm suddenly, and spun her back into his body, his arms coming round her as she clutched at his shoulders, the kiss at once passionate and soft, desperate and gentle, hopeful and bittersweet. Warmth radiated from him and kept the chill at bay, Helena absorbing as much of the moment as she could before they broke apart. He touched his forehead to hers, and even if she had wanted to speak she found herself at loss for words; goodbyes forbidden.
"You'd best go and collect what you need. The Eagle will be taking off soon." Koenig's voice was rough with emotion, and Helena nodded, reluctantly pulling out of his embrace and turning to the door.
He watched her; the tall, elegant woman he knew leaving his presence - for the final time? - with her head low and her shoulders softened with an air of defeat. Her usually purposeful footsteps were muted by sadness and the door swished open, letting her through to the base beyond before closing again and leaving him alone with only his thoughts.