Lost In Termina (The rewritten ultra-deluxe version)
I don't own Zelda, or Lost. Understand? If not, BEWARE THE EVIL RABID CHIA PET HORDES!
Scene: The Clock Tower in Termina.
GGGuy: Hello. I'm GoroGoroGuy. Welcome to the fanfic "Lost: Zelda Edition." Recently, it came to my attention that three authors-that-must-not-be-named hated my fics and will never, in a million years, put me in their new fic, even if I changed everything, because...well…because of this fic, actually. The original edition eventually came TOO close to GG's BBD, so now she and apparently all of the other great authors in the Zelda humor section hate me and think I'm just yet another imitator. SO, just to prove I'm NOT another imitator, I'm completely rewriting this whole fic from scratch, using even MORE characters. Plus, some of the same jokes and some original characters and some of the original plot, etc, will be used. I do not think that they will put me in, but I can try. Now, the rules of this little fic are simple. Teams of two Zelda characters each will be dropped off somewhere in the vast world of Termina. The teams must find their ways to Hyrule castle, but there's a catch. They must make it within the borders of Hyrule in FIVE DAYS, or they will be disqualified. First team to the castle wins 100,000 rupees, (Roughly $1,000,000) and we give the rest of them palm pilots. The characters will have absolutely NO WAY of knowing whom they'll be with or where they'll be. Unlike last time, when we put Link and Skullkid in Zora's domain to give the other characters a fighting chance, we have instead simply erased all memories (temporarily) of Termina.
Voice off camera: I think you overdid it a tiny, little bit with Skullkid.
GGGuy: Huh? What do you mean, I overdid it?
Voice off camera: I mean this…
*Voice runs off camera before it can see him, revealing a crouched-over Skullkid, sitting in a rotating chair like Dr. evil and petting a clay bust of Arnold Shwarzeneggar like it's a cat*
Skullkid: *Looks up with bloodshot eyes* Well, Mr. Powers, It appears you have a choice…save the world…or save your girl…MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! *COUGH COUGH* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GGGuy: *Staring at Skullkid blankly, like everyone else in Clock Town*
Voice off camera: OOOOOOOOO…kay…
GGGuy: Who left the Mountain Dew containment room unlocked? That stuff has enough caffeine to bring down a fully-grown Goron! Go take him backstage and fix his memory, now, and get me a slushie while you're at it. Writing this fic makes me thirsty.
*Six security guards grab Skullkid and drag him off the area*
Skullkid: NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I'll get you for this, Mr. Powers!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGEEEEEEEEEEEAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! *Is dragged into the Clock tower by his eyebrows, or whatever he has there*
Voice off camera: That's a bad sign. That's a very, VERY bad sign.
GGGuy: Ah, slushie goodness…*Sucks down slushie in five seconds* …for all you people out there who DON'T know who the Zelda characters are, here's profiling for each one used as a main character.
Contestants are as follows:
Ruto: Sage of water, princess of the Zoran race.
Occupation since she left Oot: Cook at a seafood restaurant. Don't ask me why.
Age: 17
What she thinks of this fic: "I'M OVER LINK, DAM***!"
Zelda: Princess of Hyrule.
Occupation since she left Oot: Princess of Hyrule, you meathead.
Age: 17
What she thinks of this fic: "IMPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! I BROKE ANOTHER NAIL!!!!!!!!!!"
Skullkid: Weirdo who lives the Lost Woods.
Occupation since he left MM: Working for GGGuy in the rewrites of LSAAVC, and a professional spitter.
Age: 17
What he thinks of this fic: "WHEN MR. BIGELSWORTH GETS ANGRY, PEOPLE DIE!"
Darmani: Current leader of the Termina Goron tribe.
Occupation since he left MM: Rock climber. He eats most of the rocks he'll climb, and then hops onto the top.
Age: 41
What he thinks of this fic: "This fic is for all the lost Gorons without proper names that depend on the occasional author to name them and put them in starring roles of reality fics! HOO-HA-HA!"
Ganondorf: A big bad guy who never dies and constantly tries to kill Link and/or take over Hyrule.
Occupation since he left Oot: Delusional mob boss and a professional clown. The clown job ended sadly when he blew apart a birthday cake he tried to assassinate and was forced to retreat from the party under a hail of noisemakers and balloons shaped like dogs.
Age: 49
What he thinks of this fic: "DO I HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN? I CAN'T STAND RARU FOR ANOTHER SECOND!"
Raru: Sage of light, tub of lard. Need I say more?
Occupation since he left Oot: Pro Couch potato and serial eater. He burned calories by blinking a lot. He played video games a lot, too. His favorite was his own game, "Fridge Raider."
Age: 438
What he thinks of this fic: "You know, I think that this whole thing is a great idea. After all, what a better way to find out if we can work together then to get lost somewhere in the middle of an unfamiliar place with no supplies or weapons! I mean, honestly, people today are so soft. When I was young, I worked out quite often. But then I hit 30, and my metabolism changed like THAT. So now I'm really fat and ugly, but I'm on a diet plan that promise that I'll go into the normal weight range in roughly two years. But frankly, I haven't seen any difference. I still look like a big chicken burrito in a robe. I like chicken, but it isn't on the diet plan. CAN I HAVE ANOTHER BASKET OF FRIES HERE?" (Taken from Ch.3 of the original Lost)
Saria: Sage of Forest. Vertically impaired.
Occupation since she left Oot: N/A (There are no job opportunities in the Kokori forest)
Age: 17, but she looks like she's eight.
What she thinks of this fic: "Give me one "Short Joke" and I'll make you wish you were never written."
Link: Hero of time.
Occupation since he left the last Zelda game thus far: Worked for Lucasfilm for a time, but then started working as a video game designer.
Age: 17
What he thinks of this fic: "HEY! THIS ISN'T A COCKTAIL PARTY! YOU TRICKED ME INTO COMING HERE, YOU MOTHER F*****!!!!!!!!! I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!!!!"
Talon: Fat, lazy guy. Works on a ranch. Has a "thing" for Wheaties and dynamite, for reasons unknown.
Occupation since he left Oot: He was too lazy to get a job, and his language skills are now SO BAD that he requires a translation for everything he says, even if it's in English.
Age: Even he doesn't know.
What he thinks of this fic: "RAH rah raher shimmy yah yada yada. Blah-blah-blah omf neerod onple. Orf herein toofs, hah!" (Translation: Well, it's rather witty, I'll give you that. There are a lot of people. More cheesy poofs now, please!)
Impa: Sage of Shadow and the caretaker of Princess Zelda. Always has an expression on her face that makes her look as though she was being forced to eat something very unpleasant.
Age: Nobody actually cares, but rumor has it that she's roughly 56.
Occupation since she left Oot: Ran a daycare center, and then became a telemarketing person.
What she thinks of this fic: "Fun. It's just…fun. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go help Zelda with her nails…*Groan*"
Malon: Talon's daughter. Not much about her personality was revealed in Oot, but she likes horses, Buffalo wings, and is a die-hard fan of the Blue Man Group. She sings…badly. I can't get any more descriptive than that, or I'll be attacked by a hideously large group of Malon-Lovers.
Age: 17, dipwad. Almost everyone ELSE is 17.
Occupation since she left Oot: McDonalds manager in a shopping mall.
What she thinks of this fic: "IF I WIN, WILL I GET AN AWARD CEREMONY? WILL THE BLUE MAN GROUP BE THERE? OH GOD I HOPE SO OHGODOHGODOHGODPLEASE!!!!!
Nabooru: Sage of Spirit
Age: 42
Occupation since she left Oot: Opened her own barbershop, then bought herself a house in Miami and hasn't been seen since MM came out.
What she thinks of this fic: "Yes, I model my makeup after Mimi Bobeck of the Drew Carey show. Why do you ask?"
GGGuy: And that's the whole cast. Now, during the fic, the Voice Off Camera and I will randomly appear and force a team to do a task for no reason, other than that it amuses us and makes for a longer fic. Also, occasionally, I will mess up the story a bit to confuse the teams and have fun. The ways I'll mess up the story are as follows:
Random plot twist (I rearrange everything in a certain area. ANYTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN DURING THIS TIME, so watch out)
'Whose Line is it anyway" plot twist (I force the character I pick to do a musical number or some other improvisational thing. Quite fun, actually.)
Cameo plot twist (I put in an author or character from another area or game to really screw things up)
The dreaded "Line redo bell of doom" of "The Drew Carey Show" fame (I ring a bell, and the last person to talk during the story has to replace their line with a different one)
GGGuy: And on top of that, I will be doing other stuff as well to mess the contestants up.
Link: (from a distance) ARE YOU DONE TALKING YET? IT'S GETTING DARK, AND I DON'T LIKE HOW RARU KEEPS LOOKING AT ME! I THINK HE'S HUNGRY!
Raru: (also from a distance) Hmmm…a little on the skinny side, but I guess I could stuff him…a light white wine sauce…some hot pockets on the side and a quadruple-order of buffalo wings…thirty cans of Coca-Cola…and fifty candy bars for dessert…MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm…candy…*drools*
GGGuy: *SIGH* Oh, boy…this really is a bad sign…well, here are the teams, so far, anyway…
Saria and Impa
Darmani and Raru
Ganondorf and Zelda
Link and Nabooru
Ruto and Malon
Talon and Darunia
GGGuy: And that's it. On to the main fic.
Link: I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR BOXER SHORTS!
Raru: DID TOO!
Link: DID NOT, FATTY!
Raru: OH, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART!
Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!
Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!
Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!
Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!
Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!
Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!
Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!
Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!
Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!
Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!
Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!
Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!
Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!
Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!
Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!
Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!
Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!
Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!
Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!
Raru: I CAN'T HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR YOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!! LALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEEEE!!!!! BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!
Link: I'M SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!
Raru: ARE NOT!
Link: ARE TOO! MY IQ TEST PROVES IT!
Raru: DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT THE AMOUNT OF FOOD YOU CAN CONSUME REFLECTS YOUR INTELLIGENCE?
Link: GET IN SHAPE, YOU BUM!
Raru: I AM IN SHAPE! ROUND IS A SHAPE!
*Fade out*
No, I'm not doing the Televised portion of the show yet. I'll put it up on the next episode, when we finally get down to business. SO REVIEW. Now.