The outside of my window was trees, and fog. So, so, so, much fog. I can't see. But I don't need to. I just have to stay in this mansion. I just have to stay here, and be a good child. I just have to be a good child, and they will come back. Surely, they will come back. Them. I don't know who they are, but I know they exist in this vast world of mine. In this vast world where no one exists. No one, but me. I exist. I know I exist, because the mirror shows my reflection. I know I exist, because I have a name. The reflection shows the short, thin, orange-haired ball of mess that I am. My name is Hinata Shouyou.
I'm not interested in myself. All I have to do is wait. While I wait, I don't have to think. When I think, I become a bad child. I hate the thoughts I have. I hate the time I have to wait.
My thoughts are just empty thoughts, about the past. The thing is, I have no past. I don't know who I am. I don't remember where I come from. I just know that, if I wait, people will come back for me.
Outside my window is trees and fog.
Inside my window is me.
Inside me, is nothing.
Every day, I wake up, though I don't sleep. After I wake up, I have breakfast, though I'm not hungry. Every day is the same, and I have nothing to do. I spend my days simply doing nothing but thinking. I think about who I am, and who I can become. I can become a lot of things. That is, if I were to know who I am. I want to know. Do I have a father? Do I have a mother? Yes, I, of course, have a father and a mother. I read it somewhere in the midst of my boredom. Everyone has a mother and father, or they would not exist. And I exist. I know I do. I know I exist because I have a name, and I have a face. Those who exist have names and faces. I exist.
In my world, I exist. In other worlds, I don't. Other people from other worlds don't exist in my world, either. Except for them. I know they will come. I know that they will come back for me. I know that I will not be abandoned. Because people who exist will not be abandoned.
I like to play around with my volleyball. However, there's no one to play with, so I sewed many stuffed animals to play with me. Those stuffed animals exist, too. They just don't exist like I do. The stuffed animals and volleyball exist inside me. They exist somewhere, so they exist everywhere. Except, their existence can be abandoned, and mine can't. I, though, would never abandon them, because they exist most prominently inside of me. Without me, they wouldn't exist. And I know what it's like not to exist.
It hurts.
But I exist, and I know it. Because I have a name and a face. Hinata Shouyou... Hinata Shouyou is my name. Pretty name, isn't it? My family name is spelled with "sun" and "toward". My first name is spelled with "soar" and "beam". I wonder who gave me this name. I wonder who put me in this world. I wonder if I had a family, once, too. Who gave me my face? And who gave me my name?
Who was the one who gave me the right to exist?
Sometimes, I spend days thinking about my name and face, the sole reasons that I exist. Where did I come from? Why am I here?
No. I must not think. I must wait.
If I wait, they will come. I will bloom.
I like to cook.
It smells nice when I cook. It doesn't smell of the usual nothingness that fills this Victorian-style mansion. It smells of the sweet cookies that I have baked, that smells like mothers, according to the books I read. It smells of the barbecue that I make, like fathers, according to the books I read. It smells warm. It smells strong. It makes me feel like I have something that helps me exist.
I love to cook, but I don't need to eat. I don't feel hungry. But I eat the food anyway. Because the food will help me exist.
Hunger is something I don't feel.
Tired is something I don't feel.
I wonder what I do feel.
I don't know what feeling feels like, so I really can't say. However, some books that I have read is about love. I want to fall in love. But to be in love, there needs to be another person that exists. I know of no people that exist in my world. So I might as well make something, someone, that I want. I want someone who exists. I want someone kind. I want someone to talk to. These are all the things I want. In this house, is everything, yet nothing I want at once. All the materials, the objects that I want. No one that I co-exist with.
Nevertheless, I like existing. I know the pain of not existing, and that pain is far greater than existing alone. Existing alone is less painful than having other people to not-exist with.
I like existing. Because existing gives you hope.
There is no such thing as heaven. There is such thing as hell and void. That's what I believe. After death, you no longer exist. Not existing is either painful, or empty. Emptiness is a gift given to you for being a good person. Painfulness is given to you if you were neither good, nor bad. In other words, a normal human being.
However, I do not die. I live, because I exist. Because I will keep on existing forever, I will eternally live. That's what I believe.
Well, that, and, I've stayed sixteen years old for the past seven hundred years. Most of my books usually say humans live to around ninety. Ninety years can pass in a blink of an eye for me. Although it's been seven hundred years, they still haven't come yet.
I must have not been a good enough child.
I must sit and wait. I must sit, wait, and be a good child.
Maybe then, they will come for me.
One morning, in my wake, there was a sound. I haven't heard much sound at all in my years of living, existing. The sound is very... Curious. I did not make this sound, and the trees did not make this sound, and the animals did not make this sound. After all, there were no animals. What could have made this sound?
Normally, in a book, the main character would go to the front door to look if anyone was there. However, no one was here yesterday, the day before, and the day before. Why today? Why today, yet another foggy day? And if it really was someone coming for me, they might decide to leave if I answered the door, for good children do not talk to strangers. I'm usually not very wary of this, due to the fact there were no strangers, but me. Even so, even so, I decided to go to the door. Out of overwhelming curiosity. And in front of me, was a man.
It was them.
Them was here!
Here!
Before me!
Them was here before my very eyes!
I wanted to say something, but in these years, I did not speak. In the years I did not speak, my vocal chords had grown useless. I regret not speaking more.
Then, they spoke.
"What is this place? A hospital?"
My house, my waiting place, a hospital? Maybe if they believed that, they would come in. So I nodded.
They, or rather, he, stepped in, took off his shoes, and looked around a little.
Finally, after a great struggle, I could speak once more.
"Why are you here? Are you here to save me? I have been waiting for someone to save me all these years! I want to exist more and more."
"What's so good about existing?"
I gasp, in astonishment. What is so good about existing? You need to exist to live. You need to exist to survive. I exist. I have a name and a face. Name, Hinata Shouyou. Face, kind of inexplicable, but a face nonetheless.
"Existing is your very existence. You need to exist to survive. You need to exist to not be in void or hell for eternity. I want to exist."
"I want to cease to exist. Take me to a place far, far, away where I can be alone and cease to exist. I hate existing. I just want to stop."
"This is a place far, far, away. But please, exist alongside me. I want someone to co-exist with. I know I exist. I have a name and face. Therefore I exist. Do you exist? Do you have a name and face?"
"I exist. I do not want to exist, but I exist. I have a name. It is Kageyama Tobio. I have a face, as you can see. But, that does not mean I exist. The sheer existence of your name and face does not mean your soul exists."
"A soul?"
"Yes. A soul. I exist, but my soul no longer exists. You do not exist, yet your soul still resides within that illusion that you live."
"I am not an illusion. I exist. I have a name, and I have a face. I have a soul, as you say. Therefore, I exist."
"Remember. Do you remember? You do not exist. So please, help me join you."
Thus, he disappeared. As soon as my sadness began to manifest, he disappeared. He is wrong. He disappeared because he was wrong. The one who did not exist was him, and I am the one who exists. If all of them were like that, I would not want to meet them at all. Existing is obvious. It's something you have. It's something you do. It's something you are. I exist. I have a name and a face, therefore I exist. I have a soul. I have a body. I am not an illusion.
What did he mean by "remember"?
If I could do that, I would have already.
A music box began to play. It was another sound, I have been very lucky when it comes to sounds lately. The music was soft, and though I haven't listened to it before, I know what it is. I know because of my books. It was a lullaby. Nocturne No. 2 in E-Flat Major, Op. 9 played from the music box, and calmed me down. This song exists. If this song exists, and I can listen to it, I exist.
But somewhere, I have heard this song before. Somewhere.
"Remember."
He appeared again, right before me, and took my head with both of his hands, and squeezed.
"I can make you remember. Would you like to remember?"
"..."
"I understand if you don't. There are people who would rather not remember, due to what memories could do to them." He said, and I just can't understand. Why would anyone want to stay empty? "Memories warp people. They corrupt them. You have no memories, so you do not know who you are. Remembering would uncover that. But some memories, some people, are painful."
"I want to remember."
"Okay."
At first, I saw nothing but black. Would remembering help me exist? I exist. I have a name and a face. I have no memory. Do I still exist?
Then, there was white. I was drowning in white. Is this my past? No. Something is manifesting. Where's Kageyama? Will he come here with me?
I see myself, in a crib. Once again, alone. I don't know why I think that baby is me. After all, I haven't been anything but sixteen years old for seven hundred years. But I exist. So I must have been a child at one point. I don't remember anything after having turned sixteen. My memories start from there.
"Shou-chan. Are you hungry?"
A mother. Is that my mother? She exists, too. In my small world, she, too, exists. Where is she now? Where is my father? I want to see them. Seeing them will prove my existence to that man. To Kageyama.
The baby in the crib was crying. I was crying. I, at one point have cried. I haven't cried in the years I remember living. I never felt lonely, or hungry, or tired. Therefore, I have never cried.
"Sh, sh, sh... Here's some milk."
I was loved. Love? I'm not too sure what it is, but I know she loved me. It's a rule. all parents love their children.
Then, the background changed. It went white, and the we were all of a sudden walking the the streets, and I was older, hand in hand with my mother.
"Mommy? Where's daddy?"
"Daddy's... At work."
I felt it. I felt the glares I didn't feel before. Why were they glaring at us?
At this time, I most clearly existed. There were other people in this world. I had a mom and a dad. Then, I existed. Now, I exist.
Whispers. Whispers everywhere. People were staring at us with disdain and disapproval. Why? We existed.
Then, we were back home, and dad was home, too. But... There was something wrong. It felt a little... Grim.
"Oi, Chihiro! Get me a Sapporo beer!"
"Here you go, honey. What happened today?"
"How dare you talk to me as if I did something wrong?!"
"No, I was just..."
"You think everything is my fault, don't you?"
The young me was trembling behind the door of my living room. I'm not sure why I was so scared. But it was to do with normal humans. Why am I upset? I exist. My parents exist. I don't understand. I don't understand at all. I think, though, that I read this in a book somewhere...
"Honey..."
"I hate you. I hate you so, so, so, much. Because of you, do you know how much trouble I was in at work? What were you thinking?"
"No! Listen to me!"
What are they talking about? They young me could no longer bear to listen anymore. The young me took action.
"Mommy! Daddy! Stop! It wasn't mommy's fault. She... Didn't do anything wrong! Mommy was just unlucky. She saw something that she wasn't supposed to see. Please, please. Please, daddy. Listen."
"I don't care. It doesn't change that you humiliated me. It's not Chihiro's fault? Then whose is it? Mine?"
Then, I remembered. Those words helped me remember. All my mother did was look through the window of someone's house, and saw the wife of the mayor cheating on the mayor with someone else. All she did was see, and yet she was harassed. That woman... That woman sent a man to rape my mother, and took pictures. She took pictures, and put them online. Even though mother did nothing wrong. This filled me with hate. Hate... A new emotion. I haven't felt this emotion in so many years.
I was going to say something, until I realized that I am in the past, so they would not hear me. Until I remembered all this has already happened.
"Honey... I love you."
"Bullshit! If you loved me, why would you jeopardize my job?"
My father slapped her. He slapped her hard. I could not handle this anymore, as such a small child. Crying, I pulled on my father's shirt, but all he did was smack me away, and I had rolled until I hit the wall. I was angry. I was so, so, so, angry. I had a huge kitchen knife in my hands. I slowly walked toward him from behind as he continued to step on mother's face. I... I stabbed him. Then, I stabbed my mother, while still trembling. Lastly, I stabbed... Myself.
Why? Did I no longer want to exist? If I died... Do I exist now?
My small body collapsed, and as did mother and father's. I think... I just think... That I wanted to be non-existent, together with my family.
Before, I said that I knew what it was like not to exist. I didn't know why I knew. I just knew. But...
I stopped existing on that day.
So... Where am I now?
White. White, once more.
I was back in my mansion again, still shaking, still teary-eyed. How could I forget something like this? How could I forget such an event that ended my life. My... My only existence.
Who... exactly am I?
Why am I here?
Do I really exist?
Yes! I have to exist! I exist! I exist! Me! I am the only one who exists in this world. It is me that exists. It is everyone else that does not exist. I exist! I exist... I must exist, because I have a name and a face.
Name; Hinata Shouyou.
Face; brown eyes, orange-y hair, light complexion.
I exist.
My mom, my dad. They no longer exist, but I do! I exist!
Hinata Shouyou. Hinata Shouyou. Hinata Shouyou. I am Hinata Shouyou. I am Hinata Shouyou and I exist.
"You, Hinata Shouyou, do not exist." It was Kageyama's voice, and he looked at me longingly. "I am jealous. I do not want to exist. Please, teach me how to cease to exist."
I... I can't handle this. All these years, what were they for? Why was I here for all these years?
"Hinata Shouyou, you were given void. You were a good person, and void is what you received."
"But I was a bad child. I killed my mother and father. It is because of myself that I no longer exist." No longer exist. No longer exist... Those words were echoing in my mind, and I couldn't bear it anymore. Please... Please... Please get me out! This is not void, this is hell. This is hell. Hell, hell, hell. I am in hell. I am alone.
I thought if I waited, someone would come.
I thought that someone would come if I were a good child. But no one came. Except Kageyama. Truly, I was lonely. I fooled myself to think I was not. I was lonely. I was lonely. I was tired of being alone all those years. Even my years of true existence, they were short. The days of happiness were short.
I...
Don't...
Exist...
I no longer...
Exist.
Fin.
-Ichikawa Akine
A/N- The characters might not be very relevant to the story, but I decided to make it Haikyuu despite the fact that this is extremely OOC. Oh, well.