Snowflakes

December 3rd, 2013; 9:40 PM

I've read in manga and books and seen on TV, movies and anime that most editorial offices hate Christmas. Their reasoning is the end-of-year crunch; because the printers close for Christmas vacation, all deadlines are pushed much earlier, meaning people have to work faster and harder- plus they need Christmas specials, which have to be longer than a usual chapter. Imagine having to complete not only two chapters worth 30 pages, but also a 55-page oneshot- in only two weeks! That's 115 pages of manga drawn in 14 days. I haven't been able to draw more than four pages of manga in a span of six months. That's super impressive... although just because I'm not a manga artist, doesn't mean I don't suffer the same way.

As an author, I have my responsibilities to create a Christmas-themed oneshot. As a friend, I have my responsibilities to write a oneshot for Simon and to finish that promised two-shot for Remi. At the same time, I have to finish that TGW bonus chapter, hopefully upload MGR Ch.9, fix up chapter 2 of Puppy Mill, and then still manage to make time for my own original story. Ugh. Why?

Of course, I don't necessarily have to do all this; I want to. Just like I decided one day so long ago that I wanted to become a fanfiction writer. I like writing. It's just... all these oneshots... TT^TT I'm not very good at oneshots... But I'll try my best.

I'm not sure what to do, though. Normally Christmas specials are cute, happy and fluffy, but... I'm more of a dark angst makes-you-want-to-kill-yourself kind of writer... That doesn't seem to mix too well. (If you mixed both of those together and baked a cake out of it, what would that cake look like...?) So... what do I do? Do I scurry to my comfort zone and make some depressing story that will ruin your Christmas? Or do I risk cheesy clichés by copying something out of a shojo manga...? Hmm...

I've got it!

I'll make this one medium-dark (because to make it completely dark would just be depressing) and I'll make Simon's oneshot fluffy! That sounds like a win-win, doesn't it? ... Doesn't it?

Let's try this! (Oh shit, I'm going to ruin your holidays, aren't I? I apologize in advance...)

A typical shojo manga starts with a typical boy and girl.

The boy finds something to like in the girl. The girl obliviously ignores him.

And then comes Christmas with its winter wonderland. The roads, the trees, everything sparkles. Snowmen smile from every front lawn and icicles hang from the rooftops and everything is beautiful, just like her- though she never knows it.

She sits alone and sadly wonders if anyone can truly love her as she watches her friends walk ahead, pairs of lovers hand-in-hand. And still he watches, unable to speak up.

And finally he shoves a terribly-wrapped box into her hands and waits for her to open it. It's a hat, or maybe some candy, perhaps even a rose if the author is feeling clichéd. The girl is surprised and looks up with reddened cheeks and she wonders, 'How hadn't I seen him this way before?' In a sudden moment of revelation she realizes that she's loved this near-stranger all along. For his looks? No, no, for his personality, of course... right?

I've never believed in your typical shojo manga. I mean, of course I've wished for the scenario, but I'd never be brave enough to give her the present, and she probably wouldn't like it anyway. I wouldn't know what to get girls. I've never really talked to them much.

In a shojo manga, the snow is like a flawless blanket of winter magic. The ground isn't muddy or slushy once the snow begins to melt. Nobody's nose starts running and nobody's face gets frost-bitten. And... there is never any... red snow. Everything is pure and good, so unlike reality...

She sits- sat -beside me in math class, two rows from the back, the desks closest to the window. We were always partnered together for group work and I'd help her all the time with the problems she didn't understand. Miki would always tease me and say she liked me, but I knew better. She was a polite girl, but we weren't friends. It was just against her nature to be rude to strangers. I understood that whenever I looked into her eyes and found they lacked the sparkle she had when with her friends.

She had a lot of trouble with math. She was more of an athlete than a student, though she never thought much of herself. She was the only social butterfly I knew who I could say was genuinely modest and humble. She was kind and well-liked but not crazy. She didn't even seem to realize she was popular. And I liked her. I really did.

While she was very pretty, I was more attracted to her quiet charm. She was always smiling, softly and shyly, but she liked to talk. Once in a while I'd be able to spark a conversation, though it was usually very one-sided. I'm somewhat of an awkward person... I don't really know what I'm supposed to say here and there. So I let her do the talking. I like it much more than our usual 'How are you today?' conversations. 'How are you?' 'Fine, thank you. And how are you doing?' 'Same as usual.' And then she'd smile and shake her head and that would be that... yet that smile would make my heart flip.

Today was the first day I'd ever seen her without a smile. And I loathed every moment of it. If only I hadn't followed her, if only I'd known the words to say, maybe I could have sat beside her in math class tomorrow too.

"Len? Hey! Len, wake up!" Miki tried to follow my gaze, her eyes finding themselves on Rin's pretty face. She pursed her lips. "You shouldn't worry so much about her. She probably doesn't like her boyfriend much anyway. Popular people do that, you know. They hook up for status." She rolled her eyes as she turned back towards me. "It's stupid."

"I don't think they're like that," I said, watching enviously as Mikuo Hatsune wrapped his arm around Rin's shoulders. "Rin isn't that kind of person."

Miki sent me a look, a look I knew far too well and was far too used to ignoring. She didn't even have to say the words; 'You don't even know her.'

Yet I felt I did know her, even though we rarely talked. Just by sitting beside her for seventy-five minutes everyday, I felt like I knew her better than anybody. From the way she crossed her 't's to the way her voice rose at the end of questions to even the way she brushed the hair out of her face (shyly, as if nervous that someone could be watching).

I was obsessed and I knew it. I'd do almost anything for her.

No, cross that. I'd do literally anything for that girl. Even if it turned the snow red.

I stabbed a plastic fork through the heart of a bright red cherry tomato, lifting it up before my face. Its juices dripped down along with tiny seeds, yet even stabbed, it was edible. Even though its insides were coming outside, it was okay to eat. After all, it's all the same once you eat it.

Miki watched me as I examined the fruit, I being tired and depressed. "Just eat it already, Len," she said.

I rolled my eyes.

"I mean it. You haven't been eating enough lately."

A loud sigh.

Her nose twitched as she closed her eyes, exhaling shakily. "Len, you know I'd do anything for you, but right now I need you to eat. You're already underweight, as light as me, so you're not allowed to skip lunch." A thumb jabbed back at Rin. "Do you think she'd want to date a skeleton?"

I shrugged. "I don't see the point..."

"You need to eat, or I will force-feed you. I swear to it. And my CPR skills suck, so if you choke, you die. Choose wisely, kid."

I wrapped my lips around the fork, accidentally scratching my cheek as I pulled out the three-pointed spear. "There. I ate it."

She sighed. "I'm only doing this for your own good, Len. You know I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't care."

Behind her I saw Rin and Mikuo both stand. He kissed her quickly before pulling away, yet she seemed unsatisfied as he drew back and started for the door. She stood there watching before eventually sitting back down with her friends.

If that could be me, I'd kiss her as much or as little as she wanted me to. Though of course, that'd never happen.

You know what's funny? I even got her a Christmas present.

I was getting groceries the other day for my mother and near the grocery store, there was a jewelry store. They sold both diamonds and cheap accessories, from engagement rings to plastic leopard-print bands.

As I passed it, something in the window caught my eye: a pretty rhinestone-decorated snowflake with six stems reaching out, sparkling even though the white gems were obviously not real. And I thought of her.

"Really? I love winter!" She didn't take her eyes off her worksheet. "I like snow, even though it's cold. I just find it really pretty when everything is covered in white, it's like... it's like a whole other world, you know? Besides, I really like snow and snowflakes because every snowflake is unique somehow. I think that's cool 'cause it's just like people, right?"

And her face had lit up at the thought, making her smile. And my heart had squeezed.

It wasn't all too expensive - only eleven dollars - but I wouldn't dare give it to her. Because that would be weird, right? She didn't even know me, not really. All she probably knew of me was my name. I sat beside her in math and that was all, nothing more. We weren't friends. Strangers who happened to sit beside each other. And that depressed me greatly because I so, so wanted to be with her... More than anything, really.

She had this something about her that drew people in, made them want to be around her. Almost everyone was affected by it. Miki seemed immune.

I wasn't sure what Miki thought of Rin. She seemed to disapprove of my affections, but only for the toll it took on me, not because of Rin specifically - or so it seemed. Still, she encouraged me when I felt down, teased me and dared me to talk to her (it never worked), and acted like there was an actual chance of things going my way. And it was sweet of her. Because we both knew that would never happen.

I glanced back over at the girl I could never have. She looked lonely now, even though she was surrounded by her friends. Just because her boyfriend had left. If only that could have been me...

I knew how much she loved him. I saw it when she looked at him, when she spoke with him. She loved him more than anything. I'd do anything to get her to look at me the same way, even though she barely knew me. I don't think she ever had the slightest clue how obsessed I was with her.

It was during math class that day that everything changed. She was on her phone a lot that day, when usually she was good and kept it in her pocket. She looked frustrated, her fingers pushing keys so quickly I wasn't sure she even knew what she was typing.

"What's wrong?" I whispered quietly.

She jumped, startled, and blushed a little. "U-Um... sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be doing this." She started to put her phone away. "I'm just a little worried..."

"About what?"

She paused, hand halfway to the dark red pocket of her uniform. "Um..." She hesitated, as though unsure whether to reveal any personal information to me. She probably thought it'd be rude to burden me with her problems. She had no idea how unburdened I'd be. "It's... my boyfriend." She exhaled loudly as if this were a weight off her chest. "He left to buy lunch at a cafe instead of here, because... You know. The cafeteria food is a little..." She trailed off and blushed a little. She didn't want to say anything bad about other people.

"I understand."

Another deep exhale. "Good." Another moment's hesitation - should she stop here? But no, she continued to speak, which made me happier than any. "Mikuo, he... He didn't come back. And... I know I'm probably worrying over nothing, but he's not answering my texts either. So... um..." Her face reddened and she finally put her phone away. "I'll stop now. I'm sorry."

Uh-oh. Was she expecting a response? What was I supposed to say? Shit, shit, what was the right answer...?! "I won't tell."

"Huh?" She blinked.

"If you use your phone, I... I'm not going to tell on you. So go ahead." It was the least I could do for her. Not that I'd ever tell if it were anyone else, but... It seemed enough to reassure her.

Her face brightened and although she didn't smile, she bit her lip and nodded shyly, whispering a 'thank you very much'. And that was enough for me.

I glanced at her screen every once in a while and her texts went unanswered still. I felt bitter about it for a while, cursing Mikuo for worrying her so much, until someone knocked feverishly at the door.

Our teacher was bothered and opened it with a pissy 'What?!'. But his expression quickly changed. He glanced at us quickly and followed the other teacher out into the hall, where they conversed hushly. Conversation broke out in tiny whispers within our class.

Rin was worried. "Oh no," she whispered to herself. "I hope they're not putting Mikuo in trouble for skipping..."

"If it is, I'm sure it won't be too bad." I don't think she heard me. She was too busy staring at his empty desk, the second row from the front, second from the door. Almost completely opposite her own seat. And for her own sake, I hoped Mikuo would suddenly walk in the room, late, but present, just so she could feel better, feel reassured. But he didn't.

Rin's phone buzzed. A text. I read it over her shoulder:

'Dude ur bf's in suhc huge shit'

It buzzed again a moment later:

'*such'

And of course Rin's worry grew. She ignored the texts and started to put it away when it buzzed again.

'Their ttlly talking bout him in the hall'

'TTLY'? What did that stand for?

Now that there was some small strand of proof, she was alert. 'How do you know?' she asked. I was happy to see her spell every word perfectly, even punctuating it at the end.

'Sit right by the door the teacher came in & said stuff i herd him say Mikuo Hastune'

He spelt Mikuo's name wrong too. What an idiot.

Rin's lips pursed. She was getting a little anxious now, worrying about where her boyfriend might be and whether or not these rumors were true.

And then the teacher came back into the classroom. He looked at us all and bowed his head. "Right now we're going to forget about math for a moment to pray for a classmate."

Everyone began to whisper. Rin paid extra attention. "What's going on?" someone asked.

The teacher winced and sighed, as if the words hurt him physically. "It... It would seem there's been an accident... Hands together everyone." I wasn't religious. I kept my hands at my side. Rin laced her hands together tightly, never taking her eyes off of our teacher.

"Dear Father," he began, "while we know we have sinned, we ask you to pardon us for this once as we beg you to spare and protect our student and friend, Mikuo Hatsune-" Rin perked up, though not in a positive way. "-who is suffering. Spare us this child and we shall repay you greatly through worship and good deeds and whatever else you may request of us. We are your untimely servants and we are always indebted to you. We beg you to-"

"What happened?" She'd stood up now. Her pencil case fell from the floor. She was trembling, yet she kept her voice strong. "What happened, sir?" Suddenly she wasn't so shy. It was like her timidity was weakening as some kind of survival mechanism. She looked our teacher straight in the eyes and again asked, "What happened?"

And again he did that wince and sigh and in a sorrow-filled voice he said, "It would seem there's been a hit-and-run. It's very serious, which is why we pray that-"

He never got the chance to finish. She ran for the door, even pushing desks out of her way to get there faster, the tears already falling. And I stood up too, calling for her to wait, but I don't think she heard me. No, she'd probably ignored me. There was an awkward silence after she left but nobody chased after her. The teacher dismissed us to silent reading while he tried to find out more information from his co-workers ("Oh, Kagamine is his girlfriend? I see..."), and everybody did so. Or, pretended to at least. Everyone was on their phones.

I don't have a phone, so I settled with staring out the window.

At one point I saw her run out, and she sprinted faster than she'd ever sprinted, her face red. And gee, it was mid-December and she was wearing nothing but short sleeves... I wanted to run after her so bad. Yet I sat stuck in my chair, rooted like an unripe berry clinging to its vine. I wish I'd have followed her. I wish she'd had someone's shoulder to cry on. But no, she was all alone and shivering, surely guided only by the sirens she'd hear.

Oh gosh... Oh no. Why...? I hadn't done a single thing. I hadn't done a single freaking thing to help her. I hadn't done a single thing... I'd just... I let her go. All by herself.

Her desk was empty the next few days, but nobody blamed her. Mikuo had hung on for two nights in a short coma before finally drifting away one night. And I don't think Rin was there when he did. That probably made things a thousand times worse for her.

I knew there probably wasn't anything I could do for her but even so, every day I stared at that decorated box with the extra-dollar red bow on top. The happy Christmas trees laughed at me as they swung from side to side upon their white background.

I'd told Miki about it and, while she seemed disappointed in me (probably for being so desperate, I think), she still encouraged me to go visit and give it to her. "It might cheer her up after everything that's happened. Won't you do that for her? Won't you at least try to cheer her up? God knows she could use it..."

And so I went. I found her address (in the folder with all the class information, just left unguarded in the filing cabinet near the door... Would I get in trouble for going through there?), and now I stood in front of her house, hidden in the shadows.

It was bigger than mine- maybe even twice its size -and I'll admit I was a little intimidated. There was a single light on in the living room, but other than that, it didn't seem anyone was home.

Eventually I mustered the courage to knock at the door. It took another huge extra wave of bravery not to just turn tail and run... but I've no idea how I found it.

Thinking back, I wish I'd have just left. Sure, I'd have felt like an extreme coward about it later, beating myself up over it until I made myself miserable, but at least I'd be able to cheer up eventually. At least she'd be sitting at her desk tomorrow.

Nobody answered the door after a few knocks and I concluded that no one was home. Great... And after I'd finally decided to man up and try, too. How... defeating.

I began the walk back home. My house wasn't extremely far, but it wasn't all too close either. It was about a half-hour walk. Wonderful. I wasn't looking too forward to it, but it had been worse on the way here, hesitating every two minutes and wondering whether to turn back or not.

I never thought to look behind me as I walked.

After maybe a minute or two, I heard something nearby. Just around the corner, I could hear crying and sniffling, but when I looked, all I saw was a dead-end with a bunch of snow-covered dumpsters. There may have been a few mice, but I was sure the crying had been human. Sure enough I heard again, coming from the same place... It was dark though and I couldn't see much.

Slowly my eyes adjusted and I saw a shadow near the end of the alley. "Hello?" I called. The crying stopped.

I took a few steps closer, trying to get a better look. "Hello? Hey, are you alright?" The person looked up and I felt my throat close up. I recognized her, despite the puffiness around her pretty blue eyes and the tear-stains on her smooth flushed cheeks. Her blond hair was in knots and the ribbon she always wore was falling out. She seemed a mess, but even so, she was beautiful. It even made me a little jealous for a second. "Rin, what are you doing here?"

Something glinted near her chest, like a necklace or something. She craned her neck. "W-Who is it?" she asked, her voice hoarse from crying.

"I-It's me!" That probably didn't answer much. I cleared my throat and added, "Len!" I dropped her present and lowered myself onto my knees, whispering, "Rin, what are you doing here?"

She didn't answer, just sobbed some more, and being me, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't find any words to say. "H-He's... go-ooone...!" She wiped at her runny nose, choking on her tears. "I... I don't know what to do anymore! I ca-aan't..."

Awkwardly I ducked my head. I was sure she wouldn't want me to see her this way. This was a private side of herself, and of all times, she probably especially wanted her privacy now. But for once, while I was on a brave streak, I wouldn't leave. I'd stay by her side this time. I'd redeem myself.

Thinking back on it, I've decided I will never be brave again.

"I... I want to do it, Len... I have to do it! I... I want to see him..." She hiccupped. "But... Len..." Her voice dropped down to a whisper. "I can't. I just can't... I can't do it. Even though I want to, I... I can't..."

Finally, something happened. Maybe the clouds blew out of the moon's way or maybe my eyes finally adjusted, but somehow, the lighting changed. Her chest glinted again and I could finally see that in her hands, she held a knife, aimed right above her heart...

"Rin, what are you doing?!" I asked, growing panicked now.

She sobbed louder now. "I want to die! Len, I... I want to die...!" And I felt so bad, seeing her shake the way she did. "Nobody likes me... It's all just fake! M-Mikuo was... He was the only one... who really..." A hacking cough that made her double over. For a second I worried she'd stabbed herself in the process, but she wasn't bleeding. Yet. "Nobody loves me. Nobody likes me. He was... the only thing that kept me alive... Now I have no one. No one! I'm all alone! There's no one left here to... to...!" She screamed at the sky, cursing it, for somehow it had to be someone's fault.

It was freezing outside and all she wore were short-sleeved pajamas. Snow coated the ground and the snowflakes she loved so much fell from the sky. Her lips and hands were turning purple, yet her heart pumped with burning hatred, hatred of fate, hatred of life, hatred of herself... even though it wasn't her fault.

I watched her and felt terrible. And it wasn't just because she was Rin- it was because I was watching a person's outside walls crumble down. I was watching a girl my age become so lost that she'd burst out crying and begin confessing her darkest secrets to a near-stranger, the boy who sat beside her in math class. I was seeing her at her lowest point. And I could relate. I could feel her pain as clearly as I had felt it. I looked at her and thought of myself in the exact same position. Because it could have happened. And now it was, to her instead of me. And my heart was breaking.

"L-Len... You can't tell anyone. Y-You can't!" She frantically wiped at her face now, her blue eyes huge and worried. "You... You have to help me... I just can't do it. Len, you... You've got to do it for me, ple-eeease...!" Her voice cracked and her face scrunched up in pain, even though she hadn't hurt herself physically. I knew that feeling, when hurt so strong seemed to crush in your ribs and it hurt so much that, even though you weren't being crushed in real life, you wanted to. You wanted it to happen so that eventually it would end.

I saw the long scratches on her chest and compared them to my own healed scars. Exactly the same. Just as ugly and red. When you feel the way we did, you don't feel the pain. You just want to end it, end it, end it... Get rid of it...!

So maybe that's why I helped her.

I asked her, "Are you sure?", and over and over again she begged me to, do it please, finish it, let her go find him. There was nothing left for her in this world.

Maybe I could have somehow convinced her that I was here. I loved her. She didn't have to die because I could take care of her. I wouldn't replace Mikuo, of course, but she'd at least have me to cry to. I'd love her in his place. I'd help her live.

But I knew I couldn't do that. I was incapable. So if there was one thing I could do to help her, it wouldn't be to run off and find her parents, it wouldn't be to send her to a troupe of doctors. The only thing I could really do to help her was help her.

So I went behind her and reached my hands out in front of her, grasping my hands over hers. We both held the knife; we were both responsible. One last time I asked her, "Are you sure?"

I heard her swallow, heard her breaths come shakily, saw the puffs of smoke from the icing temperature and felt her hands go colder and colder. "I-I'm... I'm scared," she admitted. "I... I don't... I don't know..."

So I didn't do anything. We sat there, me behind her, both our hands on a knife. We waited for her decision. We waited for the verdict. And I felt the last warmth in her body. Either she'd kill herself or the cold would. But I'd be the last to touch her. And while morbid, in a sick way it kind of did make me feel better. Because if this was her wish, then at least I'd be the one to grant it.

That was how much I loved her.

Finally she exhaled loudly and shakily and I knew she'd made her decision. "I'm ready," she said.

The first drop of red fell to the ground. Then the second. Next thing we knew it was soaking her entire shirt, drowning the pastel into overwhelmingly intimidating red. Everything was red. My hands, her hands, the dirtied hands responsible for this... Red. Everywhere.

She fell back onto me and gazed up with teary eyes. She called out my name in a hoarse whisper and reached for my face, her fingers grazing my cheeks, and I realized I was crying too. I was sobbing almost as hard as she was. Because we both had something in common now: both our beloveds had died.

I let go of the knife in her chest and just held her. It was for the better, for the better. It was what she wanted, what she'd asked for, what she'd wanted... Yet it tore me up inside. And she clung to my shirt-front and just then, more then ever I wished I could have told her how I felt. Earlier I'd felt so proud for being brave, yet I'd really just been a coward after all. When the time came, I still couldn't tell her how I felt. And now her blood was turning the snow red. And we were both responsible.

It didn't seem to hurt her. In fact, her lips were turned upwards ever so slightly, as if she were smiling...

I sat there for a good half hour. It struck me a moment later that people might consider this a homicide and that there was a possibility that I'd be arrested for doing what I had. After all, my DNA was all over the place, and who knew if there were cameras here? Yet still, as I looked down at poor Rin, I realized I didn't care if they caught and arrested me. I'd done what I could for her. Even though I'd been selfish at the end and wished I hadn't done what I had, at least I'd finally made her happy somehow. At least at the very end, she'd been able to cry with someone.

I felt bad leaving her there but I knew she had to be found by someone, and I knew I couldn't be sitting there when someone eventually turned that corner. But I'd stayed with her until the moment her blood ceased dripping. She was alright now.

I lay her on a blanket of stained snow and made sure not to disturb the wound in her chest. It was still there - the knife, I mean - but I couldn't take it out. Her hands were still wrapped around the base, so the police wouldn't have to guess too much to claim it as a suicide, which it was.

And I saw the present lying near her feet, but I didn't bother to pick it up. If this be the tipper to the police that someone else had been there tonight, then so be it. Let them find me. Let them arrest me. This girl deserved one last Christmas present. She deserved one small reminder that even though she'd chosen to end her life, she wouldn't be completely forgotten. Someone had cared enough to get her something for Christmas. And that person was me.

I wouldn't risk leaving my coat behind, even though it made me feel terrible to see her skin tinted blue, but I couldn't do something so silly. My coat had my name written on the tag. I'd have to let her be now, let her take care of herself.

The walk back home seemed fast, much faster. And I'd still never thought to look behind me. If I had, I might have seen a girl duck into that alley way soon after I'd left. I might have heard her gasp. But what did it matter now?

I went to her funeral a few days later. The police had closed the case as a suicide. There'd been no mention of a present.

The people were not allowed a viewing, since about twenty of the guests were probably disguised reporters hoping to cash in on a poor girl's death. I knew what she'd look like, though. She'd be as beautiful as the snow had been that night. And she'd be smiling, too. I hoped she was happier now, wherever she was. I hoped Mikuo didn't hate me for doing what I had.

Miki came with me, along with most of our grade. She stood beside me as I stared at the closed coffin. And slowly, she reached for my hand. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know it was hard for you too..."

And I didn't really understand why she'd said that. I didn't really listen either. I just nodded obliviously. I didn't think about the way she'd used past-tense instead of present. I didn't think about the way she squeezed my hand, nor the way her voice had cracked. I didn't really find anything strange about the way she quietly cried with me. I was just glad she was with me.

We didn't say much. I think we were both a little shocked. Or at least, I certainly was. I wasn't sure whether to feel sad or guilty. I wasn't sure whether what I'd done was wrong or right. I didn't know what to do anymore. I was a coward, a foolish coward, and the desk beside me would be empty from now on. But was this my fault? Or was it simply inevitable?

Strangely enough, as I sat there thinking, I remembered something she'd told me once during math class. 'I really like snowflakes because every snowflake is unique somehow. I think that's cool 'cause it's just like people, right?' It seemed so random, especially considering everything that was going on now, yet... thinking of the way she'd smiled when she said that... it made me feel just a little bit better. It made me smile a little too.

The night she died, snowflakes had fallen from the sky and melted on her cheeks, in her hair, on her lashes... And every single one of them was unique, just like she was. Special. One of a kind. Perfect.

Even stranger was the ironic fact that around her neck, Miki wore a snowflake, like some kind of offering to this deceased girl. Some kind of blessing, a paying of respect. It was a cute six-stemmed snowflake decorated with tiny rhinestones that sparkled like her eyes had. I remembered thinking how much she would have liked it, then realizing something was off with this picture. Something was strange with this necklace. Something was... familiar.

I gazed back up at Miki's face and found her blushing a little in what looked like shame. "I'm sorry," she whispered, and touched the necklace with her hand.

Every person is unique somehow. Like a snowflake. Some melt quicker than others. Some fall a little faster. But even though some may be prettier than others, we are all still snowflakes. We share this single trait.

Some snowflakes will never truly melt. They will be remembered for their beauty, despite their fragility. They will be remembered for the way they made others smile, for the purity of their white design. They will be remembered because they were special.

I'll never forget Rin. Never. Not even when the snow has melted.

R.I.P, Rin Kagamine
December 27th, 1999
December 21st, 2013

December 8th, 2013; 12:24 AM

... Wow... That was... harsh. Damn. Like... bring on the waterworks. Q^Q

I must say, I don't think I've ever finished a oneshot so quickly... Five days really isn't long at all. ... Okay, my heart is hurting, give me a moment while I recover. XD Ouch... that dug in deep...

*awkward cough* I actually really liked the way this turned out. It has totally upset me- which is good! That's kind of the desired reaction when writing angst. I mean, I feel bad when people tell me I made them cry while reading things, but, um... It is the right reaction, so...? Gah, I feel guilty now! Please don't cry...! -"

Really though, that touched a nerve. I dug into some personal experience to help write this. No, no love of mine has ever commit suicide a few days before Christmas, but I'm sure at least one of you read that part about hurting and realized it couldn't all be fiction, right? ^^" I remember feeling that way. Once in a while I still do. But it felt really good to write it out like that, and I think it came out really well. I think I did good. I'm proud of this oneshot.

I actually really like the characters in this, so let's talk a bit about that.

I tried to incorporate the personality traits of the Len I'm using for a new story, Darker than Death: Red (it hasn't been posted yet, but I'm slowly working on it~), because their situations are somewhat similar: They'd do anything for the one they love. In this story, it's in a romantic way rather than a familial love, but both are very close when you think about it. This Len happens to have a, um... slightly... different way of thinking. He's not completely sane, though he hasn't lost it either. Those who know my writing have already realized how fond I am of not-so-sane characters. This Len suffers a lot from depression but has this strange set of morals. Like a young boy, he wants to be the hero, the one who saves the princess in the end. And I like that; I can do a lot with it. His way of saving his princess though always seems a little, um... morbid deadly completely nuts over-the-top. Yeah, let's go with that. He just has an... interesting way of thinking, I guess.

Miki. Now see, I actually really like this Miki. She's not based off any character in my other stories, yet somehow she turned out really well. Yes, she does have some romantic interest for Len in this story, yet it wasn't supposed to be that way. I just thought, 'Hey, I want Len to have a best friend, but I don't want it to be Miku or Luka or any of the other main Vocaloids... How about one of the unappreciated Vocaloids instead? I don't use Miki much- what about her?' And then this idea came into my head of a cute, somewhat tomboyish girl who, even though she's in love with this boy, swallows down her own feelings to try and make him happy. I kind of fell in love with her after this. In fact, the entire reason for Len's present to Rin was so Miki could steal it in the end. It was supposed to be mentioned briefly and then forgotten about, but... come on. Miki was just too awesome. I couldn't help it.

I didn't want to mention this in the story, since it was in Len's perspective, but Miki decided to follow him to Rin's house to make sure he wouldn't bail. She wanted him to actually give Rin the present, not give up and run. She followed him on his way home too and heard everything in that alleyway. She didn't really get what was going on though until she looked in after. That was the gasp Len heard. She recognized Len's present and selfishly took it because she couldn't help herself. And now she wears that snowflake around her neck. I think it's a nice touch, if you choose to ignore the part where she steals the dead girl's present... ^^"

Actually, the entire concept for this story was, 'I love her so much, I'd even help her kill herself'. I literally had no idea what this oneshot would be about when I started. I didn't even know who the characters would be. But then I suddenly pictured something, something that inspired me. Do you remember that scene in the story where Len was behind Rin, both of their hands on that dagger? That's what I pictured. And the ideas just flowed out like crazy from there.

Rin was just supposed to be this perfect little girl with a few insecurities. Shy but beautiful and extremely loyal, that was my idea of this Rin Kagamine. Yet... somehow she became a lot more. I think my favorite part is when she breaks down at the end. I admit I could have made it a lot worse, but I didn't think she should completely lose her mind. Maybe what I have now is a little lacking compared to what I could do, but I think it's good enough. Still, I like how she admits to not loving life. She knows that, despite being popular, the people around her don't really love her. And even though I'd probably never kill myself over a lost boyfriend, I almost have from the curse of loneliness. I find it interesting to think she might have harbored these worries even before Mikuo died, secretly feeling depressed because she knew she didn't really have any friends.

And then there's Mikuo. He isn't mentioned much, and the few times he does appear, I find he kind of seems like a jerk. He isn't, actually. If you want the back-story, Mikuo was a childhood friend of Rin's. While she's always been kind of shy, he was this cheerful guy who always kind of stuck around her. In fact, he might be even more loyal than she was. ^^ He can be easily compared to a playful puppy. He liked attention but wasn't as worried about what others thought of him because he was a bit more trusting of their friendship. While Rin thought the girls around her only hung out with her because of her status, Mikuo really believed the guys around him were his friends. And they were, too. I think it's a difference between genders. Girls are sneaky like cats while boys are a lot more open. Girls scratch. Ick.

Really though, it's a shame I didn't get to use him more. They were a really cute pair, really. He liked to tease her a lot, but he always was very careful not to hurt her feelings. He's very different from Len, now that I think about it. Huh.

Well, I've got 12 more days now to write 2 more Christmas oneshots. Can I do it? Hopefully. It doesn't seem so bad, seeing as I finished this one in 5 days, but... Remi's oneshot is a super long one... O_O" Oh god... can I do it...?

I hope I didn't completely ruin your holidays, and if so, then I hope this lollipop will make you feel better. Here. Eat the lolli. There... It's all better now, right? Yeah. You feel good now.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Love,

~Naty

(1) ''TTLY'? What did that stand for?'

I don't know if people actually use this, but it's supposed to be an abbreviation for 'totally'. Yes, I made it up on the spot. I personally don't use any code words like that except for 'GTG' (because I'm usually about to get in huge trouble and I only have time to write those three letters) and the occasional 'LOL'.

(2) I've just realized, just now, after writing this whole author's note, that this is my second oneshot featuring a necklace. Both are for Len x Rin, though the first one is a treble-clef necklace instead of a snowflake... Oh, and no one dies in the treble-clef story. O.O I think I still have it too, somewhere on my profile... Hm. It's probably two years old now. ^^" Strange.

Reviews would make Naty Claus very happy. Nobody wants a Grinchy Naty for Christmas... so you know what to do! ;) ... You're a meeeean one... Mrs. Grinch... Da-dum, da-dum, da-daaaaa...~