ComicCon (of DOOM)
An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKourage
Hey Buddy! What Kinda Comix You Lookin' Fer Tuhday?
This story is something I should've written a long time ago. I say that because the premise behind it (da gang goes to da PhillyCon) is something that should've been one of the first things I thought of when wondering about what make fun of. I mean, I had Great Adventure, I had the sushi bar, I had the bowling alley, I had the zoo…why didn't I think of the ComicCon before? Ag, I'm so stupid! Still, perhaps a higher power prevented me from writing this earlier on in the series, because there's a lot of stuff in here--most notably 'Nny--that couldn't have been present if I'd written this at the beginning. And 'Nny fits in so perfectly with this story, being that it's a story about comic books and he's a comic artist. So…I suppose I should be glad that the idea didn't come to me until after I became more familiar with our favorite homicidal maniac. Oh, and the whole 'accidental engagement' thing plays a role here too. Just thought I'd warn you. Hey, that's prob'ly the closest thing to romance you'll ever see from me--KidK and Zim accidentally being engaged because of Gir and the ducks. How heartwarmingly sweet. I do not own Aquaman or any of the other Superfriends. If I did, I would destroy them one by one with my death ray. No lie, I really would. I also don't own anything else in this story, especially not my brother and father, who actually exist in real life and own themselves. I made a nostalgic title! Ah, memories…
The scene is a hallway in a hotel on the outskirts of Philadelphia, a place where normalcy and the everyday meet the fantastic. That is to say, that's where you have to wait before the big double doors leading to the so-called 'Crystal Ballroom' are thrown wide to reveal…PhillyCon! But, as usual in any venture where KidK's Dad is involved, our heroes are quite early. The Con doesn't start until 10:00. It is now 9:40. Twenty minutes to go. Twenty long, long minutes.
KidK (on her cell phone): Yeah! You should see some of the people here. (pause) No really, Dib, I'll bet some of 'em are really aliens or monsters in disguise! (pause) I don't mean Zim. Though he is here.
Zim: Against my will.
Gir: Come on, Master, it's fun!
Zim: In what way is waiting in line classified as 'fun?'
Mike-the-Brother: What's really fun is that we're first in line again! That's always good, for a number of reasons.
KidK's Dad: You mean besides the fact that we're first?
Mike-the-Brother: Yeah, don't you remember? Every time KidK's first in line and I stand behind her, somebody who gets here later thinks, 'Aw, they're just kids. We can cut in front of them.' And then it's fun when we crack on them and then they go back to the end of the line!
Zim: People dare to steal your coveted place in line? Who are these crazy fools who mess with KidK?
KidK's Dad: I'll bet this time it'll be those 'bust of Spiderman in the loft' guys again.
KidK (still on the phone): Next month, you've gotta come with us. (pause) Well, yeah, we probably would have to take two cars, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make!
KidK's Dad: You're not driving to Philly.
KidK: Dad says I can't drive to Philly. But there's room for you even if we all take the same car! (pause) Really! It wouldn't be a problem. (pause) OK, so at this time in November, you're gonna be standing here with us in line, right? (pause) Sweet! I'll call you if anything paranormal or really hilarious happens. (pause) See ya, Dibby!
KidK's Dad: Ever since we got you that cell phone, all you do is run up the bill calling people.
KidK: It's a phone, Dad, that's what you do with it. Although I might just have a solution to that problem. Zim?
Zim: No.
KidK: No what?
Zim: No to whatever it is you're thinking.
KidK: Aw, man! Hey, where'd Gir get off to?
Gir (farther down the line): Look guys! It's Superman!
Mike-the-Brother: Gir, that's not Superman. See, he's just a fat guy in a Superman T-shirt.
Gir: Oh yeeeeaaaah…but he's got a cape too!
Mike-the-Brother (sarcastically): Oh, well, then, maybe he is Superman.
Gir: Oooooooo! Hey, Superman, can I have your auty-graph?
Superman Guy: *snort* Duhhhh…I'm not Superman. But I do think Superman is the best superhero of all time! Mmmyep, he rocks.
Batman Guy: No way, man! Batman totally rules over Superman!
Superman Guy: What're you blithering about, dude? Superman has magical superpowers! Batman just has…like…gadgets an' stuff.
Gir: Hellooooooooo…
Batman Guy: But that's what makes Batman so rippin'! He doesn't need superpowers to keep him afloat against the bad guys! He's just a regular guy with awesome reflexes, abnormal strength, and a wealth of expensive weaponry!
Aquaman Guy: Oh yeah, real normal. I like Aquaman, myself.
Superman Guy: You mean the man who can talk to fish?
Gir: Hiiiiiiii…
Batman Guy: Yeah, in what way would that power ever be helpful?
Aquaman Guy: Hey, Aquaman's got really great powers and stuff! And he can ride seahorses when he wants to!
Gir: Ummmmm…can I have your auty-graph anyway?
Superman Guy: *disgusting cough* Sure, little dude. Where do I sign?
Gir: You can write it in my seeeeeeeecret noteboooooooook.
Batman Guy: Hey, you prob'ly will want the autograph of a guy who likes a real hero too, right?
Gir: Yeah! I want everybody to sign!
Aquaman Guy: Man, I remember when I used to have a secret notebook. I used ta write in there all my poems and feelings and stuff…
Everyone Else: …………………………
Aquaman Guy (hurriedly): …and of course a list of all the great comic books I wanted to buy! And pictures of naked chicks!
Batman Guy: Oh, yeah, well…that's more like it.
Superman Guy: Yeah, everybody has a notebook like that at some point. Hur hur hur…
Mike-the-Brother: KidK, what time is it?
KidK: About twelve of.
Mike-the-Brother: Twelve minutes?
Zim: I don't think I can stand to be here for much longer before I become… physically ill.
KidK's Dad: If you do, do it in one of the side rooms. Just don't do it here, where it'll smell up the joint for us.
KidK: You won't get sick, Zimmy.
Mike-the-Brother: That's right. Listen to your wifey wife, Zim.
Zim: Oh, so now she's my wife, is she? Your insults become more and more unfounded and outrageous as time goes on, Mike.
Mike-the-Brother: Well, you are engaged and all…
KidK's Dad (outraged): What?! I didn't authorize this! Tell me it's not true!
KidK: Well, a couple weeks ago when Zim and Gir visited me at skool, we accidentally did the Passion Puddle thing cuz we were chasing Gir around.
KidK's Dad: *sigh of relief* Oh, is that all? That's just a stupid tradition.
Mike-the-Brother: Maybe so, Dad, but these two are really in love!
KidK's Dad (heart-attack mode once more): Whaaaaat?! Why was I not informed of this?!
KidK: Mike, do I hafta destroy you?
Zim: No, you don't have to destroy your brother, KidK…because I'm going to destroy him first!
Mike-the-Brother: See, they have so much in common! And they think alike!
KidK: Whatever, Mike. I think this is going to be another one of those days when I just ignore you, OK?
Mike-the-Brother: Okaaay…but you still should admit that you're in love.
KidK: I'm not listening! Deedeedooooo…don't care what you saaaaay…
Gir (down the line): Now I need your name, scary lady!
Scary Lady: Of course you do. You like me cuz I've got really thick eyeliner, yes?
Gir: Yes! You look so scary…
Scary Lady: Why, thank you, young man. You're pretty scary yourself in that green dog costume.
Gir: Thankies, scary lady! Now I just need those guys over there, and I'll have everybody's names in my notebook!
Bust of Spiderman Guy 1: Oh, man, check it out! Those darned kids are at the front of the line again!
Bust of Spiderman Guy 2: Huh huh…yeah, they are younger than us, and so do not deserve to be in front of us in line.
Gir: Hey, guys! Sign for me!
Bust of Spiderman Guy 2: Get out of the way, you…kid…
Gir: Aw, come on! You gotta sign!
Bust of Spiderman Guy 1: Yeah, okay.
Gir: Soooooo…who's your favorite super guy, Mister?
Bust of Spiderman Guy 1: Well, I like the Green Arrow, but my all time favorite is Spiderman. I've got a--
Batman Guy: A bust of him in your loft. Yeah, we know. You say that every time you come here!
Bust of Spiderman Guy 2: Hey, are you dissing the bust? Cuz I've seen the bust, and it is cool, OK? It's really cool.
Batman Guy (asking for trouble): Cool like actually cool? Or cool like 'I-still-live-in-my-mom's-house' cool?
Bust of Spiderman Guy 1: I've had just about enough of you, dude!
A fight breaks out in the back of the line behind KidK & Company, with bony arms and legs viciously slapping and kicking, and retainers and bits of ripped-up cape flying through the air. Into this scene steps a familiar figure who is no stranger to pain, but who is a stranger to this comic convention.
'Nny (thinking): Oh, jeezus! God, even comic book people get in fistfights these days! Heh, they're probably fighting over who has the biggest collection or something. Stupid, stupid, petty people. Oh, hey, there's Missy! She's really actually here! Well, duh, I thought she'd be here and all, but now that she really is…I've an idea. Hee, I'm so sneaky…
He sidesteps the geek brawl and walks nonchalantly down the line of people, pretending to be totally absorbed in the music coming from his Walkman. Then, in a perfectly timed maneuver, he suddenly takes a step to the side, purposely colliding with KidK and knocking her into the wall.
KidK: Hey, watch out!
'Nny (turning around): Oh, I'm sorry. You OK, Missy?
KidK: 'Nny? Oh, wow, it's you!
'Nny: You don't know how long I've been wanting to do that. An ironic reversal, yes? Just like in the movies.
KidK (scholarly tone): I believe you are referring to cheesy romantic comedies involving Hugh Grant in particular…am I right?
'Nny (adopting her mock-serious attitude): Precisely. A lovely little satiric jab at mundane popular culture, I thought.
KidK (very dryly): Yes, quite humorous.
They look at each other, trying to keep straight faces, and fail miserably, laughing uproariously--partially at the stupidity of 'films' in which the heroine inevitably falls for such contrived moves, and partially because they're just glad to see each other. However, there are a couple of members of this group who aren't so happy.
KidK's Dad (to Mike and Zim): Hey, either of you know who this guy is?
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, that's just Johnny. He's creepy, huh? I think KidK met him while buying brainfreezys or something, and now suddenly they're friends. And yet she makes fun of romantic comedies…
KidK's Dad: Romantic? They're not…?
Zim (evil plan-type grin): Oh, yes, those two are quite close. I believe you people call it…what was that word again…oh, right, yes--'dating.' Personally, I don't think a person her age is ready for such a relationship. Wouldn't you agree, Mr. KidK's Dad?
KidK's Dad (whoa, watch out!): We'll see about that! Missy?!
KidK: Ahahaha…haaa…ohhh…yeah, Dad?
KidK's Dad (narrowing his eyes): Who is this person?
'Nny: Oh, this is your father?
KidK: Yup.
KidK's Dad: Answer me--who is he?
'Nny (extremely polite): Please allow me to introduce myself, sir. I am Johnny C.
KidK's Dad: All right, now for the more important question: how do you know my daughter?
'Nny: We ran into each other at the 7-11--literally. As you can see, this accident turned out to have been a good thing, since we are now friends.
KidK's Dad: Friends. Well, that's all right then. Missy's got lots of friends, lately. Good to meet you, Johnny. And now I have to go give a certain green kid a kick in the pants! (he stomps back over to Zim and Mike)
'Nny (wide-eyed): What was that all about?
KidK: Ah, Dad's got this thing about me and other people…especially guys. He's just worried about me is all. Zim must've said something to make him overreact. Now, where were we? Oh yes, I forgot to ask you--why are you here? I mean, not that I'm not thrilled to see you, because I am, but I've never seen you here before.
'Nny: Well, one day I was just driving through town throwing my comic strips out the window at homeless people--you know, like I always do--when suddenly this one guy whom I've always thought was a bum comes running up to my car screaming, 'Hey you! You the artist who came up with this stuff?' I'll admit I jumped to conclusions a bit and assumed that he was probably going to ridicule me, but when I stopped the car to get out and prevent him from doing so, he told me that he was a comic book dealer and that he wanted me to be a 'featured artist' at a show in Philly that turned out to be this one.
KidK: Wow, he must've really liked Happy Noodle Boy to invite you here! Usually it's just all the same guys, and I think they're reluctant to change anything. Good for you! Hey, is your table all set up yet? Cuz I could help you, if you want.
'Nny: No, I'm already done…would you like to come in and see?
KidK: Sure, but I can't. It's still like two of, and they're really strict.
'Nny: Just walk with me. It's amazing what you can get away with, if you're an insider. Just like bees, really. They'll sting you if you try to get into their hive, but once you're inside they just assume you belong and leave you alone. (note: don't try this at home, kids!)
KidK: Sweet!
And so KidK gets to do what she's always dreamed of--get into the comic book convention free, and two minutes before everybody else. Well, maybe she's never dreamed of that, but…you know.
Mike-the-Brother: Hey, how come she gets to go in early?
KidK's Dad: I guess that guy's a comic book dealer…or an artist. He could be an artist. I'll bet that's it, since he doesn't seem smarmy enough to be a seller. He seems like a nice kid, really.
Zim: Hmf.
The extra two minutes go by, and then it's finally time for the PhillyCon to begin. Since KidK is absent, Mike is now in charge of paying for the tickets.
Bust of Spiderman Guy 1: Hey kid, hurry up.
Bust of Spiderman Guy 2: Yeah, move your little kid butt so's we real comic book collectors can get in!
Superman Guy: Hey, why is this green thing attached to my leg?
Gir: I luv you, Superman…you always save us from the bad guys…
Despondent Ticket Guy: Four? That'll be eight dollars, I guess. Man, I want to die…
Mike-the-Brother: Thanks, mister! Come on, guys, there's anime to buy!
KidK's Dad: First I want to find your sister.
Zim: I doubt you will. That 'Nny guy has probably already killed her and stuffed her in the trunk of his car.
KidK's Dad (he's so worried): Oh, god, you think so?!
He bolts through the doors, frantically looking for his kid. But of course his fears are alleviated when he sees her sitting behind a table marked 'Happy Noodle Boy by Johnny C.,' trying to get her friend to yell at potential customers.
KidK: You've gotta get their attention somehow. These guys are zombies, and I know from experience that they're looking for golden age Jimmy Olsens--not for anything by some guy they've never heard of.
'Nny: Maybe I shouldn't have come. There are so many people here…I feel like I'm on display or something…it's horrible.
KidK: Perhaps, but you don't need to worry. I'll help you.
'Nny: You will? That's so kind of you… OK, what do we do?
KidK: It's easy! You just yell at people! Like this--watch. (pointing at some guy) Hey you! Yeah, you! I'll bet you've got a complete collection, haven't you?
Random Man: Well, yes…I just picked up the Catwoman Special alternate cover, so that's pretty much it for me…
KidK: Are you bored? Don't know what to start collecting next?
Random Man: I guess…
KidK: Then get over here and check this out!
KidK's Dad: See, guys? She's fine. I don't know what you were thinking, Zim, but I for one wasn't worried. What's wrong with you; are you stupid? (Dad is like that--he's just being sarcastic)
Zim: Stupid? Stupid?! You won't be calling me stupid when KidK has been skinned alive!
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, give it a rest. You're just jealous cuz KidK's not paying attention to you, even though you secretly love her.
Zim: Shut up, you.
Mike-the-Brother: Or what? You'll blast me?
Loud Guy (behind them): Heeeeeey! Did you say 'blast?' Cuz you'll really have a blast with the great bargains I've got on the table today! A dollar a comic. You buy ten--you gets 'em for nine fifty.
Zim (temporarily distracted): And you call this a bargain? When milk and bread and other such necessary items cost much less?
Loud Guy (oblivious): Come on, buddy. What kinda comics are ya lookin' fer tuhday? I've got 'em all…real cheap too! Fifty comics for forty-seven fifty. Or a hundred for just ninety-five!
Mike-the-Brother (disdainfully): You're just lame.
KidK's Dad: This guy's an idiot. Hey, Mike, didn't you have stuff to buy? Go see if your guy's here or not, while I look for Sgt. Furys I don't have yet.
Mike-the-Brother: Oh yeah! I forgot about Bill! Come on, Zim, let's go!
Author's Note: this guy really isn't named Bill, he's named…something else. But this part of the story, at least, is based on reality. Kind of like Ron the ChiChi's waiter; Bill actually exists…and he's just the coolest person I know. You're about to find out why.
Zim: Who is this Bill human?
Mike-the-Brother: He's the reason why we still come to PhillyCon after all these months. Back in the days when KidK was still trying to collect every issue of Pinky and the Brain, she and Dad would come here by themselves. One Sunday, out of nowhere, this guy appears selling subtitled anime videos super cheap! KidK bought the Sailor Moon R and S movies, and we've been buying stuff from this guy ever since. I hope he has some good tapes today--I think we're looking for DragonBallZ movies.
Zim: Ugh, not DragonBall. All KidK does is stare at that guy in the turban.
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, yeah, she loves Piccolo all right. Hmmm, maybe she's got a thing for green people, since she loves you too!
Zim: You just aren't going to shut your filthy noise tube until I atomize you, rearrange your molecular structure, and re-form you into a giant beaver, are you?
Mike-the-Brother: Empty threats, empty threats.
Zim: No, really. I have a machine that can do that.
Mike-the-Brother: Oh. Well, then. Look, there's Bill!
Bill da Video King: Hey, how you kids doin'?
Mike-the-Brother: Good. Zim, help me look for the movies.
Zim: Look for them yourself, you annoying…thing.
Speaking of annoying things, where's Gir? While Mike searches for DragonBallZ movies, we may as well check up on our robot friend.
Gir: Hello. Whatcha got in the boxes?
Greasy Comics Guy: Well, those are near-mint silver ages.
Gir: I like mint ice-cream…
Greasy Comics Guy: That's nice. Hey, don't take 'em out of the bags!
Gir: These don't taste like mint ice-cream!
Greasy Comics Guy: Oh, man, what's the boss gonna say when he finds out a little dog thing's been licking our best books?!
Gir: This is even better! Like old newspaper!
Greasy Comics Guy: Now you've gotta buy 'em, little dude!
Gir: OK. (he pulls a huge wad of cash out of his head and chucks it at the comic guy) Doodoodoooooo…tasty!
Greasy Comics Guy: Wha--? Wow, there's like two hundred dollars here! I totally quit this stupid job! Now I shall finally be free to make my own comic book collection and have my own store! And my friends and I will play Magic: the Gathering there on Saturdays instead of paying attention to our customers! Yeehaw! (he runs off, passing Johnny's table)
KidK: Hey, you guy! Want to see some really funny comics? We've got some--oh, you're gone. Man, no matter what I do, nobody's coming over.
'Nny: You're trying your best--people just aren't interested in me. It's just as well; I'm not really certain I'd want to talk to any of these idiots.
KidK: Yeah, comic book sellers are all just so dirty and greedy, and the buyers are just out to collect stuff. I don't think that half the books that get bought today will ever even get read.
'Nny: It's sad, but you're probably right. Think of all the time, energy, and passion that went into creating these characters and stories! And now the artist's work and dedication are forgotten, and his product is judged only by its possible monetary value, and valued only for the paper and metal it might one day bring to its owner.
KidK: And that's just the old books. What's wrong with the newer issues--the stuff that they put out today--is that there never was any passion behind them, for the most part. People are just stuck drawing the same old heroes, making money from the name recognition, knowing that Superman will always sell no matter how stupid the plot gets. All the really good stuff is either Japanese--because they really believe in comic books in Japan--or independent labels. And you know what people think of independents.
'Nny: That they're dark and possibly satanic and will corrupt the minds of little children who don't belong buying them in the first place but are able to because their parents just don't care enough to keep an eye on them until something does go wrong?
KidK: Exactly. (Heh. You know what I'm referring to here, yes?)
Gir (wandering up): Hiya, Missy! Hey, it's Johnny-man! Whatcha doin'?
KidK: We're trying to get people to come over and look at Johnny's comics.
'Nny: But nobody has. Except for that one guy who stared blankly for a minute and then walked away.
KidK: I think he was disappointed at the lack of female characters. He was carrying a whole stack of Danger Girl and Witchblade limited editions.
Gir: I can help! I'm gonna dance a flamenco like a flamingo!
'Nny: How would that help?
KidK: Just watch.
Scary Lady: Oh, look, it's that little green dog from before! And he's dancing! Isn't that cute?
Scary Friend: Ooooh, is he that comic guy's mascot? Let's go check it out!
Batman Guy: Hey, look! All those chicks are going over to that guy's table!
Aquaman Guy: We should go too! To act interested in what the chicks are interested in, so they might date us!
Batman Guy: Right on, dude!
Now there's a huge crowd in front of the Happy Noodle Boy table, as all of the women at the show are mesmerized by Gir's extreme cuteness, and all the men are trying to get near the women (many comic book collecting men only know of women either as shapely heroines in skimpy outfits or as shadowy, elusive creatures who always seem to be ignoring them or running away).
Gir: Disco inferno! Burn, baby, burn!
Sweater Lady (there's always one): Is that dog yours, kids?
KidK: He lives with me, if that's what you mean.
Sweater Lady: How much do you want for him?
KidK: Hey, he's my friend! He's not for sale. But why don't you look at some Happy Noodle Boy comics instead?
Scary Lady: Oh dear. He's not for sale? I was going to pay top dollar for that cute little thing!
Sweater Lady: Nuh uh. He was going to be mine!
Superman Guy: Hur hur hur…hey, ladies.
All Women: Oh my god! The smell! Ick, let's get out of here! (the crowd clears)
KidK: Man, and I thought we had 'em that time.
'Nny: Yeah, Gir, thanks for trying.
Gir: No problem! Hey, what's that?!
Gir runs off, distracted by something new and shiny. Meanwhile, Mike has found his videos.
Mike-the-Brother: Score! Movies 9 to 13!
Bill da Video King: They're two to a tape, except for 13, since there was an odd number. But I paired 13 with the Bardock Special to make it fair.
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, that's more than fair, Mister Bill Guy! How much do I need to buy all three tapes?
Bill da Video King: Let's see, that's fifteen for the first one, ten for the second, and fifteen for the third…so, forty dollars. But I'll make it thirty since you and your sister are such good customers.
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, wow! I've gotta go get the money from KidK. Can you hold my tapes for me, Zim?
Zim: What do I look like? Some kind of a video holding thing that holds videos? Well, it's not as though I have anything else to do, since everyone seems to be ignoring me.
Mike-the-Brother: But this is your chance to find out what's going on with KidK over there. You hold the tapes while I go get the money and spy on her!
Zim: Why would I want to spy on that wretched girl?
Mike-the-Brother: Ooo, 'wretched.' You're really steamed about this, aren't you?
Zim: I just don't like the idea of being dragged to a place I don't want to be, when I could be doing something so much more important to my mission, only to get left alone with you.
Mike-the-Brother: Gee, thanks. Just make sure the man in the camouflage fatigues doesn't try to buy my tapes. He always seems to buy everything DragonBall Bill has got.
Mike walks to the other side of the ballroom, where 'Nny and KidK are currently bored out of their minds. Johnny's got his feet up on the table, while KidK is absentmindedly drumming her fingers on it.
KidK: Hey, I just noticed something. You haven't turned off your Walkman since you got here.
'Nny: Oh, this? It's only some classical music. I like to just have it on really low for background.
KidK: What've you got on right now?
'Nny: 'Pictures at an Exhibition' by Moussorgsky. I thought it might be appropriate for the occasion. Want to listen for a while? Here. (he takes of his headphones and puts them on KidK's head)
KidK: Oooo, 'The Great Gate at Kiev.' I think I can still play this on the piano…
'Nny: You're a musician? I should've known you were an artist of some kind.
KidK: Been playing for eleven years now, though I've had to quit lessons because of skool. This was one of the last things I--
Mike-the-Brother: Hey sis hey Johnny what's up can I have some money?
KidK (suspiciously): What are you buying?
Mike-the-Brother: DragonBallZ movies, of course! That's what you were looking for today, right?
KidK: Well, yeah…but I really don't trust you, you understand. How many tapes are there?
Mike-the-Brother (thinking): I'm supposed to buy at least one tape, but if I ask her for all forty dollars, I can use the fifteen I brought myself-- plus the ten extra dollars from Bill's discount--to buy Pokemon cards! Um, four. So I need forty dollars from you, for the three you're going to buy. (note: that's the real deal--as long as Mike agrees to buy one tape, I buy all the rest. That's cuz I'm the one with the big bucks)
KidK: Okay, I guess that's right. (she forks over the money)
Mike-the-Brother: Thank you. And I really mean that. Bye! (he dashes back over to Bill and pays for the tapes)
Bill da Video King: Thanks. Remember, next month I'll probably have the new Miracle Girls series all ready for sale!
Mike-the-Brother: Neat! Now to go buy Pokemon cards!
Zim: There are cards relating to the omnipresent Pokemon too?
Mike-the-Brother: Whoa yeah. They're really trying to make money any way they can offa this thing before something eclipses it. Oh, and by the way, KidK's wearing Johnny's headphones and you know what that means.
Zim: I've never heard of this human custom before. What does it mean?
Mike-the-Brother (he's being sneaky): That it's only a matter of time now before they get married!
Zim: Whaaaat?! KidK is not yet old enough to consider marriage! And she still has to finish skool! Somebody's got to put a stop to this, and since her father is off searching for someone named Sergeant Fury, it's going to have to be me.
Mike-the-Brother: You do that. I'm just gonna be…over there.
Zim (storming across the room): KidK! I can't let you go on with this charade any longer!
KidK: Well, it's true nobody has shown up yet, but I'm sure somebody will.
'Nny: Nah, they probably won't. You know, I've taken up so much of your time already, Missy, and that was very unfair of me. Please, go and walk around with Zim like you planned to in the first place. I'm sorry.
KidK: No need to be sorry. It's been fun. And I'll definitely come back, even if it's just to say goodbye before Dad says we have to go home.
'Nny: Thank you for sitting with me. You know how much I hate large groups of people, and I probably wouldn't have lasted this long without going insane if you hadn't been here.
KidK: Glad I could be of service. I--
Zim: Just come on already! Um…there's comics to be had!
Zim grabs KidK's hand to pull her away, which turns out to be a huge mistake. See, KidK's still wearing Johnny's headphones, and the cord is still connected to the Walkman, which is still clipped to Johnny's belt. A humorous chain reaction follows which leaves KidK on the floor and 'Nny sprawled over a chair.
KidK: Man, my bad luck curse strikes again!
'Nny: It's…okay. I think my hip is broken…but I'm fine.
KidK: Here, let me help you up.
'Nny: No, no…I think I'll be staying down here a little bit longer, actually. Don't worry…
KidK: Well, here are your headphones back. You sure you don't want me to call an ambulance?
'Nny: Nooo, that's quite all right. I don't trust doctors--they always want to take your blood out, even if nothing's wrong with it. You go ahead.
KidK: Okaaay…let's go, Zim.
Zim (a little too enthusiastic): Yes, let's go look at the yellowing, tattered copies of something called Sensational She-Hulk that I saw over there!
KidK: Hey, you know what? I didn't even realize that I haven't talked to you at all today. I'm sorry, Zimmy. God, I'm so stupid--so very easily distracted from stuff that I go off and do something else rather than what I'd intended to do in the first place, which was show you another little slice of humanity and help you collect data for your mission.
Zim: You were going to help me? Help me doom your fellow humans?
KidK: Yeah, well, if anybody deserves to be doomed, it's that loud guy over there.
Loud Guy (in the distance): I've got Archies, I've got Betty and Veronicas, I've got vintage Donald Ducks…all for the low low price of a dollar a book! Step right up for some serious bargains!
Zim: I thought so too. What kind of idiot reads the kind of trash he's selling?
KidK: Yeah, at least some of the other guys here have some manga.
Zim: Manga?
KidK: Yeah, you know, the stuff I usually read.
Zim: The kind with the extremely short-skirted girls with the wands?
KidK: Yes. Hey, there's Gir!
Gir (upset): But…I…want…it!
Old Guy: I told ya, kid, ya need money ta buy it!
Gir: It's so preeeeetty…I neeeeeed it!
Old Guy: Sorry. No money, no statue.
Zim: What is that thing?
KidK: It's a bust of something called Doctor Octopus. That guy always puts it out for sale, but he wants too much for it! Hey, Gir, why don't you get an Aquaman doll instead? They're a whole lot cheaper.
Gir: Aquaman is stinky.
Aquaman Guy: Hey now, that's not fair. Aquaman spends much of his life in the briny sea, and so it's natural that he should smell like his scaly brethren.
Gir: That's why I love him! He smells like fishies! ^_^
KidK: So, do you want one?
Gir: Yes! But…I have no moneys!
Zim: What are you talking about? I installed a human currency storage unit in you and gave you all I had!
Gir: Oh yeeeeaaaaah…I gave it to the man over there.
Greasy Comic Guy: I'm gonna buy every issue of X-men ever made! I'm in the money!
Zim: You gave him all our money?
Gir: Yes.
Zim: What were you thinking?! What did you buy?!
Gir: Some comics. They were nice.
Zim: And where are these comics now? I do not see any comics.
Gir: They're in my tummy! Mmm-mmm, good!
Zim: ………………………..
KidK: Uh oh, here it comes…
Zim (pointing at the greasy guy): You! Comic Lord! Give me back my money!
Greasy Comic Guy: Huh? This isn't your money, little dude, it's mine. The dog gave it to me fair and square.
KidK: Was what he bought from you really worth that much?
Greasy Comic Guy: Werllllll…nooooo…but it's still mine!
Zim: You dare resist me?! I am Zim, Lord of All Humans! And I will not take no for an answer! (he pulls out a laser blaster) Now you will taste the beam of my laser! And it does not taste very nice!
Superman Guy: Hey, guys, look! I didn't know there was going to be a mock sci-fi battle at this convention!
Batman Guy: Yeah, that kid's costume is great! He really looks like a real alien! Rock on, little alien dude!
Greasy Comic Guy: Oh yeah, as if I'm scared of you and your lame fake laser gun.
Zim: I assure you, this is completely real.
Greasy Comic Guy: Just shut up--no one's even believing you.
KidK's Dad (behind the guy): Excuse me, but did you take some money that belonged to these kids? Because I think you'd better give it back if it was more than what they owed you. That'd be the right thing to do, don't you think?
The guy turns around to look up at KidK's Dad. He practically has to tilt his head to a ninety degree angle.
Greasy Comic Guy (unnerved): Er…yeah…here ya go, kid. All two hundred dollars. You can keep the books for free--I'll pay for them out of my own pocket, OK? (he tosses the money and flees)
KidK's Dad: Stupid comic book people. Man are they horrible. Look, I found a Sgt. Fury for only a quarter!
KidK: Dad, I hate to break it to you, but you have that one already. See, it's got the Howling Commandos wearing parachutes. In fact, I think you might have two copies of it.
KidK's Dad: Well, at least I didn't spend more for it.
Zim (stunned): You…he…how did you…I had a laser gun! Why would he be more afraid of you than me?!
KidK: Probably because he's really tall. Unfortunately, our planet's not so much different from yours with regard to the respect we pay to tall people, though we haven't yet turned it into a governmental system.
Gir: Now can I buy Aquaman?
Zim: No. No more money for you, Gir. That's the last time I ever make the mistake of giving you anything to protect.
KidK: I'll buy it for you.
Gir: Thankies, Missy! I can't wait to introduce him to Mister Perkins and Veggie and Sakura and Jessie and Enzo and Gohan and Raye and--
KidK: Let's just go get you that doll, shall we?
Meanwhile, over at the Happy Noodle Boy table…
Loud Guy: Hey, young man!
'Nny: Are you addressing me?
Loud Guy: Ain't no other guy back there, is there? Whatcha got there, buddy?
'Nny: This is Happy Noodle Boy.
Loud Guy: Hey, what's he yellin' about here? 'I sense your envy of my neck, and I don't blame you?'
'Nny: Well, the stories may seem a bit chaotic and random at first, but really they're an allegory of today's tendency to persecute differences and promote conformity in the name of --
Loud Guy: How much you want for these, sonny?
'Nny: …capital gains. Why did your first thought concern how much my creations are worth in money? Don't you care about the artistic significance? How do you know I'm even selling these?
Loud Guy: Oh, you aren't? Cuz I was gonna pay you quite a bit of money for 'em, since I like 'em so much.
'Nny: You like Noodle Boy? Wow…apart from Missy, nobody's ever said that before…the best response I've ever gotten was when a bum screamed, 'More broccoli!' and threw a soda can at my car.
Loud Guy: Werl, I'll give ya more than a soda can, boy! I'm willin' ta pay a full quarter for every strip!
'Nny: No need. Money doesn't motivate me, anyway, and it's nice to know that somebody appreciates my work. You may take as many as you like, free of charge.
Loud Guy: Well, thanks a lot, kid! You ever want some discount comics, you come see me an' I'll give ya two percent off, hear? It's been nice doin' bizness with ya!
'Nny: Bye, Mister Nice Man! Hey, he took all I had! Well, no need to stay, then. Better go find Missy and say goodbye.
At this time, KidK and the others are just making their 'last round' of the show, walking around the room and deciding whether there's anything else they need. They pass all the usual tables, including the 25¢ Guy, the Just-Sits-There-and-Reads-His-Own-Comics Guy, the Creepy Fat Guy Selling Clearly Stolen Merchandise, the Guys-Who-Smell-Like-Weed, Bill, the Loud Guy, and the Guy-Who-Always-Wants-to-Haggle.
KidK's Dad: Well, I looked through all the cheap boxes, so there's nothing left for me to do. Where's your brother?
KidK: Over there looking wistfully at the binders of Pokemon cards he can't buy…wait, did he just give that guy money?
Zim: He was cackling about purchasing Pokemon cards earlier.
KidK: Why that little…Mike! Where'd you get that money?
Mike-the-Brother: I…brought it from home?
KidK: Yeah, sure. Lemme see that bag! (she snatches the bag o' anime)
Mike-the-Brother: Noooo!
KidK: Just as I suspected. You only bought three tapes, and you used the extra fifteen dollars for yourself!
Mike-the-Brother: Actually, it was twenty-five dollars. Bill gave us a ten dollar discount.
KidK: You owe me big time, bro.
KidK's Dad: Mike, why were you so stupid?
KidK: Yeah, you should know not to mess with me.
KidK's Dad: I mean, you could've just taken that money home and put it in your wallet for later! Why'd you think you could spend it here without anybody noticing? I'm disappointed in you, son.
KidK: Thanks for your overwhelming support, Dad.
KidK's Dad: You're welcome. Anything else you need to look for?
KidK: No. Zim, you done?
Zim: Oh, yes. I have devised many a plan for annihilating this particular section of the populace. Yessss…
KidK: Oooo, like what?
Zim: Well, for one thing, these monkeys are obsessed with masked superheroes, and flock to them for assistance! Such…power. So if, oh, let's say…a giant robot superhero told them to jump off a cliff…well, they would. Or I could just send them all letters saying that a scantily clad heroine was going to be making an appearance in some abandoned warehouse and then torch the place.
KidK: How can you send them letters if you don't know who they are?
Zim: Oh, but I do…Gir, may I see your secret notebook full of the comic humans' names?
Gir: No.
Zim: Pardon? What did you say?
Gir: No!
Zim: What do you mean, 'no?' Obey your master!
Gir (shaking his head): Uh uh. Nobody can see my secret notebook! It's a seeeeeeecret.
Zim: …you don't remember where you put it, do you?
Gir: Sure I do! It's…(he scratches his head) Wait, I forgot.
Zim: Looks like it's just going to have to be the giant robot, then.
Mike-the-Brother: Like you could really build a giant robot!
Zim: Puny earthling scum! I've been constructing giant robots my entire life!
KidK's Dad: So, does that mean we're all done here?
Gir: I wanna stay forever!
KidK's Dad (pointedly ignoring Gir): Any reason to stay?
KidK: I've just gotta say goodbye to Johnny.
Zim: Him again? But he's so creepy and dangerous and--
KidK: And coming this way.
Zim (hurriedly): --and such a nice person, the kind any human would want to be friends with!
'Nny: Hey, Missy, just wanted to let you know that I'm going home now.
KidK: Aw, don't give up now, 'Nny-kun! I'm sure someone will--
'Nny: They already did! This very kind man came over and told me he liked Happy Noodle Boy! At first I thought he was only interested in money, but then he actually said he enjoyed the stories. I gave him everything I had for free, since he was so nice.
KidK: Um, 'Nny?
'Nny: Yes, Missy?
KidK: Who exactly was it that you gave those comics to?
'Nny: That guy who had the table in the corner. Why?
KidK: Because he just put up a sign saying 'Happy Noodle Boy First Editions--Only Two Dollars a Strip.'
'Nny: ………………………
Mike-the-Brother: Uh oh, here it comes…
'Nny: That dirty, greedy, moneygrubbing pig! Making me believe that he truly appreciated my creativity when he was only trying to make a quick buck! Oh, how could I have been so blind to the naked truth of the almighty dollar? Stinking sonofa--please excuse me, Missy, but I've some business I must attend to. Thank you again for brightening my day, though there still appear to be some clouds lurking around.
KidK: …sure. It was good to see you again. Goodbye…
'Nny (grinning): Byebye! (he stalks off to the Loud Guy's table) Excuse me, sir. About that two percent discount…
Zim: Let's leave very quickly.
Mike-the-Brother: I second that motion.
They leave the Crystal Ballroom for the day, another PhillyCon come and gone--with all its drama, comedy, and cheesy special effects.
KidK's Dad: See you next month, ticket taker guy!
Despondent Ticket Guy: Great. That really gives me a reason to live until November, man.
KidK's Dad: Cool!
Later on that Sunday, after the euphoria of ComicCon Day has begun to wear off, KidK and her pals are watching a DragonBallZ movie.
Gir: Yaaaaaay! Look, Aquaman, it's Veggie!
KidK: But why does Veg even care what happens to Gohan? He should want the evil alien guys to squish him!
Zim: OK, I understood the part about the tournament, but who are these people?
KidK: I think they're evil alien guys. But nobody's said anything else about them yet. Who knows or cares? This is a show about fighting!
Zim: Yes, quite. Why do they fight barehanded, by the way? Surely someone has a laser blaster or an energy cannon or something.
KidK: I dunno. It wouldn't be as fun that way. Oh, no, Piccolo! God, why does he have to be the one to get hurt in order for Gohan to get mad enough to be Super Saiyan? Don't die again, P-kun!
Zim: Tell me, KidK--if I were to die, would you be as upset as you are inevitably going to get when that Piccolo person dies?
KidK: What kindofa question is that? I would never be happy again in my life if you were gone!
Zim: A bit melodramatic, but thank you.
Mike-the-Brother: Now give your fiancée a kiss!
Zim: I forgot that I owe you a new molecular structure, Mike! You were almost spared, but now your stupidity has reminded me that you must suffer the consequences!
KidK's Dad (yelling up the stairs): Did someone say 'kiss?!' Nobody's kissing anyone, you hear me?!
Zim: No, Mr. KidK's Dad, we're not going to kiss--I'm going to vaporize your son!
KidK's Dad: Oh, well…alright then. Try not to make a mess or your mother will get mad.
Mike-the-Brother: Didja hear that, Zim? Dad just said that our mom is your mom! It's like you and KidK are already married!
KidK: Zim?
Zim: Yes, KidK?
KidK: May I please push the 'go' button on your atomizer when the time comes?
Zim: Why yes, of course.
Mike-the-Brother: Uh oh, more fake threats! Somebody save me!
Gir: Oh, no, Mikey's in trouble! Goooo, Aquaman! Magic fish teleportation! Whee!
And even later that day, a little gray car is driving down the street…
'Nny: Hey, Mister Bum Guy! Have a Happy Noodle day! (he chucks some comics at the bum)
Bum: Oh, the heavens have truly blessed me!
'Nny: Awww, you really like me…
Bum: This stuff is great for keepin' the fire goin'! Whoopie, I'm gonna cook me some old boots tonight!
Loud Guy (in the trunk of the car): Hey, buddy…ow…what kinda…aargh… comics you lookin' fer…ugh…tuhday…?
'Nny: *sigh*
The End!
1/15/01--5:03 PM