Reflections
I didn't ask for this. I didn't know what I was doing…what I was getting myself into. It happened so fast, spiraled out of control, until there was nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing to do but to keep going, hoping that one day it would end.
I never wanted to kill them…any of them. A part of me died with each person I murdered. Especially that kid, Apolskis. What did he ever do anyway? Steal a baseball card that was worth a few grand? Big deal. He didn't deserve to die.
I can still remember his face as I pointed my gun at him. Begging, pleading, confused, and afraid. I took a deep breath, prayed for my forgiveness, and blew him away. Just like that. As if I couldn't care less. But I do. I care…I care a lot more than I let on.
I'll never forget it. How could I? For the rest of my life, however short it may turn out to be, I'll always remember what I've done…what I've become.
The pain is so intense that sometimes it's hard to breathe. It's as if God is telling me to die, because living is a luxury I cannot afford. It's something I don't deserve. Not after what I've done.
The only thing that keeps me going is my family. They're the only ones I still care about in this screwed up game. They never did anything. If something happens to them…I couldn't live with myself. It would be my fault. My own stupid mistakes. Just because I couldn't control my temper. If I wouldn't have killed Oscar Shales, the Company would have never given me a second glance. I would be a free man. I would still have my family. I don't even know if they're still alive. I can only hope that they are okay.
I always said that even though I was addicted to my little pills, I would never do hard-core drugs. I guess that means I really have lied to everyone, even myself. I gave in. The pain of my withdraw from the pills was too much to bear. I hated giving in, but I needed a release, an escape from reality, even if it was only for awhile.
I talked to Michael the other day. I asked him to help me get out of here. But he only told me that whenever he looks at me, all he sees is the man that murdered his father. Again, that piercing pain shot through my chest. The pain of guilt cuts deeper than any knife ever could.
My only hope is that Michael will be able to forgive me, at least enough to help me get out of here. I don't do well in prison. But Michael's forgiveness is a long shot. I don't want to hurt anyone else, but I will do what it takes to get out of here, find my family, and make sure they get somewhere safe. Somewhere far away from all of this…far away from me.
So until I figure out what to do, I guess I'll stay here in Sona, hoping and praying for forgiveness…and a miracle.