Soliloquy

Life goes like this: You can be whatever you want to be, but you are what others perceive of you. That's the whole truth of it all: the world's lie. You could be the best Newsie of the century, but you won't get recognition if you've got something up against you: like if you're ugly, short, fat, dumb; whatever. You gotta watch what you say; watch what you tell the world, for one purpose. One wrong move…one wrong word you say and you've lost your chances at succeeding in this world. One bad decision and you're walking the plank. People look at you differently; perceive you as something that you shouldn't be judged on. Like, for example if I stole a big stiff scabber coat to sell to make some actual money for myself, people would think I went scab myself. They would accuse me of things I haven't done and not look my way for a year. All for me wanting thirty bucks. I ain't got the time or the heart to go try out that theory, but I'm pretty sure that they would act that way: I've seen it happen in other circumstances. Life isn't fair. Life sucks.

So basically, if you want to succeed in life, you gotta keep your mouth shut.

If they knew what I was hiding, I'd be a dead man. They'd throw me outta town, and I'd be forced to become some beggar or something, like a coward. They'd run me out of the neighborhood, even before I'd had time to gather my things. They wouldn't let me say a word more. They'd hush me and throw me out before another minute goes by. It's life's vicious circle; something that it can't hide. They can't hide it from me, because I can see it. I can feel it changing our lives, twisting our minds to think horrible things of people. Some people think there's a God. Well, you know what? Life is all we've got, and life is not looking out for us like your God, life is out to get us. Life is out to haunt us until the moment we die and rot in Hell. Yeah, Hell. There ain't no God, it's just life, and life's got no Heaven. All Life's got to give you is Hell, and that's where I'm planning on going. Well, if your God knew my secret, he'd send me there anyway, so I guess I'm thinking right.

It's hard keeping my mouth shut, too. And I know I gotta.

Whenever I go there to Manhattan, I have to distract myself, because all I can think of is that one little thing that I'm hiding. That one little thing that is ruining my life, which will continue to ruin my life for eternity. It is the kindling that keeps the fire of hatred burning, and I have no way to put it out.

Life is out to get me, and I know it. Ever since Jack came up to me and asked me that question, the question that made me roar at him in false rage. I had to pretend that his question had disrespected me to protect my being. Because if I had admitted to his question, that would have been the end of me. Jack's always been a good friend…I'm sure he would have kept his mouth shut as well for my sake as long as he could, but knowing him he'd let it slip when he's drunk, or when he's angry at me someday. I had to lie to him, starting that awful circle's path again. Lies are just the baseline of life's vicious circle. The same circle that starts with a prejudice, and ends with a fight. A fight for humanity, a fight for territory, a fight for truth…whatever it may be, it's going to end. And with the end of that, another lie will begin, and life will begin its course again.

I don't know how I've lasted these six months without telling my secret. I know that I would regret telling later on, but without telling nothing can become of me. I am not whole without…him. I would always let my eyes wander to where he stood, to where he slept. I would watch him as he would sleep, and gaze at him by day, careful to rest my eyes a little to the right, or left, and use my peripheral vision to look at him. Yes, it was a torturous thing, to not look him straight in the eye, to not run up to him and tell him my feelings for him. It was painful to not see him for weeks at a time, so painful that I would use the excuse of a poker game in Manhattan to see him.

Sometimes Jack would look at me and think, asking me with his eyes what I was hiding. I think he knows, inside. He'll never admit it, because the thought of almighty Spot Conlon being a queer is not acceptable. But his eyes tell everything inside, and I can see it. But I try to act as if I don't notice his glances; partly because I am too busy looking over towards his side of the table. Which probably gives Jack more evidence to doubt my sexuality even more, but I could really care less at this point.

Yeah, I gotta keep my mouth shut, but another thing life doesn't tell you is that people are bright. People notice things. Jack's catching on; I better watch him, and watch how I act in front of him. Maybe I should get a girl? Head to Medda's for the night? That would confuse him…but then he would think that I was straight…that's not exactly ideal either.

I want to tell him straight to him face. I can't, I can't! My reputation is at stake here…yet so is my sanity. Would I rather be happy, or miserable and internally broken?

Happy. Doesn't everyone wish to be happy?

I'm gonna tell him.

Should I tell Jack first? Get some backup? That could backfire on me, though…what if Jack told him ahead of time, and convinced him to ignore me? No, Jack would do no such thing…but it still ain't worth it.

Life's little balance of truth lies deep within each person, and they must choose whether to leave it balanced, or lie. And I know not one person who has never lied, so life is happy. Life is feeding off our imperfections.

I can't tell, I can't! My success in life depends on it. I will surely go insane without him, but can I risk my future? What life's path holds for me has diverged to two roads…and I shall never guess correctly which the right path to choose is. How must I make a decision like this? Either leave behind all I have known, but be happy, or to stay where I am, and keep everything I have won in life. There's another small problem: rejection. If I tell, and he is not interested…that would make my life even worse. So I mustn't tell! I can't!

But I want to!

Life will take its course eventually…I will decide tomorrow.

Everyone loves slashy goodness…and I just love this piece. Spot was so much fun to interpret in this kind of situation. Thank you for reading, and please review. I am very much proud of this, even if it is short and sweet; it shows a side of Spot that is normally shadowed by his all-knowingness. Thank you so much for reading!

I don't own Newsies, Jack, or Spot Conlon.

Loves, Dewy.