Episode I: Jeopardy... of the Mutated Kind
characters:
ASH
MISTY
TRACEY
BROCK
PIKACHU
JESSIE
JAMES
MEOWTH
CASSIDY
BUTCH
a GIRL and a BOY
RED DELICIOUS, the Red Island gym leader
oh, and of course the NARRATOER
~
Tracey: Drr! I'm Tracey! Huhuhuhuh!
Misty: (hugging Tracey) He's my big strong man!
Ash: Sniff…sniff…
Pikachu: Pika.
Narrator: Um… What's going on here?
Ash: THIS IS BEING RECORDED?!?!?!
Narrator: Well, it is time for our daily Pokémon episode.
Ash: But we didn't get any lines!
Narrator: Ok, I'll switch the scenes and give you time.
~
Cassidy: Come and get our nice fresh cookies and souvenirs!
Butch: What exactly do you mean by "fresh souvenirs"?
Cassidy: It's just part of the act. We want to sell them to get money, right?
A girl and boy walk up.
Butch: Would you like some nice fresh cookies and souvenirs?
Girl & Boy: Eeek! (run away)
Cassidy: Ummm… Why don't you let me do the advertising and you do the selling?
~
James: Ohhh, I'm so hungry! My stomach thinks my mouth has forgotten how to eat!
Jessie: Hey, do I see cookies over there?
Meowth: And they have free samples!
Jessie, James, and Meowth dash over, but when they see who's running the refreshments stand, their attitudes change abruptly.
James: Heyyy! It's Buhtch! Bet the Boss won't pay you, so you're scrounging for pennies at this refreshment stand!
Cassidy: Oh, like the Boss pays you anything either!
Butch: And the name's BUTCH!!! (grabs a cookies sheet and whacks Jessie, James, and Meowth high into the air) Good riddance!
~
Two old people stagger up to the cookie and souvenir stand.
James: (in disguise as an old man) Could you begrudge a starving old person a morsel, sonny?
Butch: Oh! Of course! Help yourselves!
Cassidy: Hang on, Butch… These two look like trouble.
Jessie: Trouble? …Prepare for trouble!
James: And make it double!
Cassidy: I knew it!! (whacks them into the sky again)
~
Misty: Oooo! Tracey my big strong man, buy me a cookie!
Tracey: Drr! Okay! Huhuhuhuh!
Ash: Sniff…sniff…
Ash: Sniff…sniff…
Ash: WHERE'S PIKACHU TO CHEER ME UP?!? I think it's been stolen!!! *silence* I said, you guys, I think it's been stolen! (looks around and sees that Misty and Tracey have left him for cookies) Whaahaa! No one cares about me!
Brock: Don't worry, Ash. I'll always be there for you!
Ash: Brock! (turns around and around) Where are you?
Brock: Well, I'm here in some form, just not a visible one. Haven't you ever seen Star Wars?
Ash: So you're like Obi-Wan Kenobi?
A little blue, transparent Brock appears.
Brock: I guess you could say that. Now what seems to be the problem?
Ash: Pikachu's gone, my only friends in the world, Misty and Tracey, have left me, Team Rocket plagues my every thought, I don't even have a girlfriend, and…and…and… (whiny voice) I wanna cookie too!
Brock: Never fear, my young apprentice! Your desires shall be (crosses eyes) revealed!
Brock floats off to find Misty, Tracey, Jessie, James, Meowth, Cassidy, and Butch all arguing over cookies and souvenirs.
Cassidy: Why can't the three of you just leave us alone?!
James: Just one tiny morsel!
Butch: Sorry. No dough, no cookies. It's a famous cooking proverb.
Misty: Well WE'D like to buy a cookie!
Tracey: Drr! What's a cookie?
Slowly everyone becomes hushed at the sight of the ghostly Brock apparition.
Brock: It disturbs me that you are all fighting over such a silly thing as cookies.
Butch: But they were-
Brock: No buts. Now this can all be settled with a nice, refreshing game of…Jeopardy!
Tracey: Do do do, do do do do do…
Brock: Very good, Tracey. That is the theme song to Jeopardy. Now can you tell me what noise a dog makes?
Tracey: Uh…meow?
Brock: I'm sorry, the correct answer would have been, "What is woof." But don't you feel better and less argumentative already?
The scene shows a diagram of Tracey's brain (or lack thereof) turn into a balloon and begin to float away.
Brock: (notices Tracey's blank expression) Uh… Could I have the next contestant, please?
Ash: (runs up, having no idea what he's getting into) Ooo me! Pick me!
Brock: Okay, Ash. Is it true that you have a crush on Misty?
Ash: Whaaat?! (turns bright red)
Misty: Hey! There aren't any personal questions on Jeopardy!
Brock: (scratches his ear) Welll, this isn't exactly Jeopardy… It's more like I ask questions, you give answers!
Collective eye roll.
Ash: (whispers to Misty) Well he can't come up with many good questions for long!
~ten minutes later~
Brock: Uhhh… What is your favorite color?
Everyone is lying about, looking incredibly bored.
Misty: (yawns) Blue.
Brock: Okay! Next contestant, Cassidy!
Misty: Brock, your questions stink.
Brock: Well I don't see any of YOU eager to be the question makers!
Immediately, a piece of paper is shoved in Brock's face.
Brock: (unfolds the paper and reads) Cassidy, what do you think of Jessie?
The question is greeted with snickers all around.
Cassidy: Well I hate Jessie and her *BEEP* face and her *BEEP* attitude and her *BEEP* boyfriend-
Jessie: What do you mean, my BOYFRIEND? I haven't got one! Although any guy who wouldn't want such a gorgeous girl like me is crazy!
Cassidy: Take a look to your left.
Jessie: JAMES?!
James: Ewww! But Jessie has cooties!
Brock: This question has been declared void due to the ensuing catfight. However, Jessie, you are the next contestant!
Another piece of paper is waved in Brock's face. Brock accepts it yet again…
Brock: Jessie, what do you think of Cassidy? …This is ridiculous! Who's writing these questions?! (glares at Ash and Misty, who innocently sprout angels' halos)
Just as Jessie gets an evil gleam in her eye and opens her mouth, Brock protests.
Brock: This game has gone way to far downhill! I refuse to host it any longer because it's not very therapeutic and all it succeeds in doing is tear us apart! That is not good for your self-esteem bubble. Now let's all be friends!
Everyone stares at the Brock apparition.
Brock: Er, I mean, heh heh, let's go enter the Apple League!
~
To enter the Apple League, three badges are required: the red badge, the crimson badge, and the scarlet badge. These can be won on Red Island, Crimson Island, and Scarlet Island, respectively. So, of course, once all of this was explained, Ash was determined to be victorious and perhaps win back the lovely Misty!
Ash: Hey!
Brock: Can you really win girls by entering this tournament?
Okayyy, let's get started, shall we?
~
Red: Welcome! I'm Red Delicious, the Red Island gym leader. You must defeat me in order to win a red badge! Allow me to explain the rules-
Ash: Yadda yadda yadda. I know the rules! Let's get started!
Red: ...All right then... Let the apple gathering begin!
Ash: Apple gathering?
Red: Well you DID say you knew the rules. Begin!
Red sends out a Bulbasaur, Pidgey, and Bellsprout; who all proceed to gather apples into small wicker baskets.
Ash: This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to know what to do? Misty...Tracey...a little help here?
Misty: Oh Tracey, you're so strong and handsome!
Tracey: Drr huhuhuh! T'anks, Misty!
Ash: Oh brother! Can't Team Rocket come and disrupt this or something?
~on a beach not too far away~
Jessie: I think I could grow to like these Apple Islands.
James: Mmm-hmm.
Meowth: Mee!
~
Ash: What am I to do?
Brock: (suddenly appears) Use the force, Ash!
Ash: Huh?
Referee: And Red Delicious is the victor!
Red promptly stands by his baskets, filled to the brim with juicy apples.
Ash: Oh...
Red: Ha! You will never have the red badge! (holds it above his head triumphantly)
Tracey: (sees the badge) Ooo! Shiny!
Tracey proceeds to be hypnotized by the *ahem* shiny object.
Red: Would you look at that! Such an easily amused young sir! You may have it, if shininess really means that much to you.
Ash: (shocked) Hey! I like shiny things too! (watches in agony as Tracey accepts the badge) It's not fair! Sniff...sniff... Hey, whatever happened to Pikachu anyway?
~at a nearby laundromat~
~specifically, in a dryer~
Pikachu: PIKAAAAA!!
~
Ash: Hey, when were we at a laundromat?
Narrator: Uh... That's beside the point. Now, back to our story...
Ash: I quit!
Narrator: What?! You can't quit!
Misty: Geez, he loses one battle to a gym leader...
Ash stomps off the set.
~later that evening~
The scene shows Ash, lying thoughtfully under the stars. Lost in his own pool of misery, he can come to only one conclusion: It was all the laundromat's fault.