I don't own Pokemon. I don't own Kenji-chan. That depresses me, but I'll get over it. "Nothing Else Matters" belongs to Metallica, not me. Come on, you didn't think I was THAT good, did you?!
"So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters."
There's a strange thing about the stars during unspoken hours: too late to be night, to early to be morning. They just seem... Different. It's as if they reveal something more, exclusive only to those who are aware at that time. But I can't see the stars now. The window is too narrow to give me view, and all that I see above me is the grey, plaster ceiling. I wish, though, that I could see them now. Maybe they could tell me the things I need to know now. Maybe they could tell me why I've strayed so far from the right path. Maybe they'd be forgiving for the things I've done.
I have a weird feeling in the core of my chest. I'm almost afraid to get up, although I don't know what it is that I'm afraid of. I'm not afraid of going back to my own room... And that's all I want to do. Perhaps it's the process. But I don't want to be here. I want to leave him now, while it's safest. I just want to get out of here and hope by some freakish turn of events, he'll forget the whole thing when he wakes up. But I can't. Some part of me won't let me leave. The love of a grown man is a strange feeling, but it's the only love I've ever known. But who's to say what's real? Who's to say I'm not just an object to him, to be tossed away come tomorrow?
I can't say I'm totally surprised, either. Delia did warn me, after all. She told me about his past experience with people like me. She told me that soon after he heard that his ex-wife passed away, he had a rendezvous--so to speak--with one of his aides, about my age. She said that it was probably meant as a mental blockage; trying to force off the pain that he held by replacing his forgotten love with a youthful one, maybe to start over. But that was four years ago. He's over that now... Right?
"I've never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words, I don't just say
And nothing else matters."
Wrong. That's all I am to him, and I know it. I'm just an anecdote, the equivalent of a pill. My only purpose to him is to hide his own emotions from himself. I was naive to believe what he said to me... But no one's said anything like that to me, I've hardly ever been flattered on anything other than my work. I couldn't help being pulled in. I just wanted to believe somebody loved me. That's all I really wanted. Why am I so gullible?
I've been thought of as the sensitive type my entire life. I always need someone to lean on, someone whom I can fall back on when I can't take care of myself. When I left home when I was twelve, I didn't have that anymore. I was completely on my own, and that was a smack in the face. I had to learn to rely on myself, and that's exactly what I did. For two years, I traveled on my own, devoting myself to learning about Pokemon. I discovered so many things I never even dreamed of about those creatures, and as I went on, I found several species of Pokemon that I had never even heard of before. I'd always loved Pokemon, but it became my passion once I was up-close and personal with them. I found something to put myself into, so I didn't worry about personal relationships anymore.
I met Ash when I was fourteen. When I discovered his connection to Professor Oak--more commonly known as the Pokemon Professor--whom I idolized, I befriended him and Misty, in the hope that I could meet that man. After traveling with them for about a year, I finally found myself in Pallet Town, standing right before Oak. My journey was over; he accepted me as his assistant. I learned so much seeing Pokemon in the wild, it was time to explore the things that I could only learn through proper research.
"Trust I seek, and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters."
I've been here with the Professor for a year, and my understanding of Pokemon is incomparable to what it once was. But... During this past year, I've rediscovered that longing... That need to be cared for. When I was on my own, or taking care of Ash and Misty, I was self-reliant, but I didn't need to be anymore. My life was as it once was, but I wasn't home. Sure, I called the laboratory my place of residence, but when I was home I had my family. Aside from a little flirting with Professor Oak's granddaughter, I had no romantic interests, either. I had no one left to fall back on. I felt... Alone. I was independent once again, but it wasn't at all what I wanted.
And then this. That person I need so dearly, the one I can rely on and trust... He made me believe it was him. He said comforting things to me and touched me softly. He made me trust him, and only now do I realize that it was all fake. This is all just a replay of what Delia told me. But even knowing this, I cannot get myself to leave. Part of my mind is forcing me to lay here next to him, and continue to let him use me as a pawn. But... There's also a part of my mind that tells me I'm wrong. Part of me still believes that he might actually care about me.
The springs are creaking... Oh, God, he's waking up. I knew I should have left while I had the chance, I knew it. Now what am I going to do? He knows I'm here, how's he going to react? He's straightening up... He's going to do something, I know it.
"Tracey?" he whispers to me, probably to see if I'm awake.
I know I should pretend to be asleep, maybe he won't do anything if I do... "Hm?" I find myself mumbling. I close my eyes and mentally kick myself.
I feel his hand on my bare left shoulder, farthest from himself. His touch is gentle, as it was earlier in the night. I take in a deep breath, not knowing what to expect. He's pulling me toward him... Letting me rest my head on his chest. Now I don't know what to think. He runs his hand gently down my arm and holds onto my hand. I can feel his other hand cross my side. He's holding me. Why is he holding me?
"Thank you," he whispers again. His voice is calm and sincere.
I don't entirely know what he's thanking me for... Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this means more to him than a one night stand. I close my eyes and sigh, taking in the secure feeling. The feeling that I mean something to him and he wants to comfort me as much as I need to be comforted... I grip his hand as he does mine. Maybe he does care about me.
"So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters."
"So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters."
There's a strange thing about the stars during unspoken hours: too late to be night, to early to be morning. They just seem... Different. It's as if they reveal something more, exclusive only to those who are aware at that time. But I can't see the stars now. The window is too narrow to give me view, and all that I see above me is the grey, plaster ceiling. I wish, though, that I could see them now. Maybe they could tell me the things I need to know now. Maybe they could tell me why I've strayed so far from the right path. Maybe they'd be forgiving for the things I've done.
I have a weird feeling in the core of my chest. I'm almost afraid to get up, although I don't know what it is that I'm afraid of. I'm not afraid of going back to my own room... And that's all I want to do. Perhaps it's the process. But I don't want to be here. I want to leave him now, while it's safest. I just want to get out of here and hope by some freakish turn of events, he'll forget the whole thing when he wakes up. But I can't. Some part of me won't let me leave. The love of a grown man is a strange feeling, but it's the only love I've ever known. But who's to say what's real? Who's to say I'm not just an object to him, to be tossed away come tomorrow?
I can't say I'm totally surprised, either. Delia did warn me, after all. She told me about his past experience with people like me. She told me that soon after he heard that his ex-wife passed away, he had a rendezvous--so to speak--with one of his aides, about my age. She said that it was probably meant as a mental blockage; trying to force off the pain that he held by replacing his forgotten love with a youthful one, maybe to start over. But that was four years ago. He's over that now... Right?
"I've never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words, I don't just say
And nothing else matters."
Wrong. That's all I am to him, and I know it. I'm just an anecdote, the equivalent of a pill. My only purpose to him is to hide his own emotions from himself. I was naive to believe what he said to me... But no one's said anything like that to me, I've hardly ever been flattered on anything other than my work. I couldn't help being pulled in. I just wanted to believe somebody loved me. That's all I really wanted. Why am I so gullible?
I've been thought of as the sensitive type my entire life. I always need someone to lean on, someone whom I can fall back on when I can't take care of myself. When I left home when I was twelve, I didn't have that anymore. I was completely on my own, and that was a smack in the face. I had to learn to rely on myself, and that's exactly what I did. For two years, I traveled on my own, devoting myself to learning about Pokemon. I discovered so many things I never even dreamed of about those creatures, and as I went on, I found several species of Pokemon that I had never even heard of before. I'd always loved Pokemon, but it became my passion once I was up-close and personal with them. I found something to put myself into, so I didn't worry about personal relationships anymore.
I met Ash when I was fourteen. When I discovered his connection to Professor Oak--more commonly known as the Pokemon Professor--whom I idolized, I befriended him and Misty, in the hope that I could meet that man. After traveling with them for about a year, I finally found myself in Pallet Town, standing right before Oak. My journey was over; he accepted me as his assistant. I learned so much seeing Pokemon in the wild, it was time to explore the things that I could only learn through proper research.
"Trust I seek, and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters."
I've been here with the Professor for a year, and my understanding of Pokemon is incomparable to what it once was. But... During this past year, I've rediscovered that longing... That need to be cared for. When I was on my own, or taking care of Ash and Misty, I was self-reliant, but I didn't need to be anymore. My life was as it once was, but I wasn't home. Sure, I called the laboratory my place of residence, but when I was home I had my family. Aside from a little flirting with Professor Oak's granddaughter, I had no romantic interests, either. I had no one left to fall back on. I felt... Alone. I was independent once again, but it wasn't at all what I wanted.
And then this. That person I need so dearly, the one I can rely on and trust... He made me believe it was him. He said comforting things to me and touched me softly. He made me trust him, and only now do I realize that it was all fake. This is all just a replay of what Delia told me. But even knowing this, I cannot get myself to leave. Part of my mind is forcing me to lay here next to him, and continue to let him use me as a pawn. But... There's also a part of my mind that tells me I'm wrong. Part of me still believes that he might actually care about me.
The springs are creaking... Oh, God, he's waking up. I knew I should have left while I had the chance, I knew it. Now what am I going to do? He knows I'm here, how's he going to react? He's straightening up... He's going to do something, I know it.
"Tracey?" he whispers to me, probably to see if I'm awake.
I know I should pretend to be asleep, maybe he won't do anything if I do... "Hm?" I find myself mumbling. I close my eyes and mentally kick myself.
I feel his hand on my bare left shoulder, farthest from himself. His touch is gentle, as it was earlier in the night. I take in a deep breath, not knowing what to expect. He's pulling me toward him... Letting me rest my head on his chest. Now I don't know what to think. He runs his hand gently down my arm and holds onto my hand. I can feel his other hand cross my side. He's holding me. Why is he holding me?
"Thank you," he whispers again. His voice is calm and sincere.
I don't entirely know what he's thanking me for... Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this means more to him than a one night stand. I close my eyes and sigh, taking in the secure feeling. The feeling that I mean something to him and he wants to comfort me as much as I need to be comforted... I grip his hand as he does mine. Maybe he does care about me.
"So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters."