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Title: Kissing Frogs is Nasty... Schwartz Strikes Back with Cinderella
Author: Bridget
Email: bdools@hotmail.com
Spoilers: none
Warnings: insanely bad taste, cheesy humor, overall craziness
Teaser: Weiß did "The Frog Prince." Now Schwartz is out to outdo those pansies with their rendition of "Cinderella."
Keywords: Schwartz, fairy tale, parody
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Narrator: Once upon a time, there lived a happy young boy named Nagi.
[Nagi just stands there, looking irritated. A shoe nails him in the arm and he smiles, cheesy and fake]
Narrator: He lived with his father in a huge house. Nagi loved his father very much, and the two were very close. Now, Nagi never knew his mother, for she died when he was born.
Schuldich's Voice: Nagi killed his mom...
Nagi: Shut up!! [runs off. choking sounds are heard]
Narrator: One day, Nagi's father decided that Nagi needed a mother in his life, so he decided to remarry. Nagi not only received a stepmother, but also two elder stepsisters.
[Nagi opens the door to his house, to reveal his new family. They walk in and Nagi falls over, twiching]
Brad [wearing a sign that says "wicked stepsister #1"]: [pushes up his glasses and glares] This is humiliating.
Farfarello [wearing a sign that says "wicked stepsister #2." the sign is slashed in several places]: I wonder what color he bleeds.....
Nagi: Eep!
Taketori: Now, Farfarello, darling. Be nice to your new brother.
Nagi: [looks like he's going to pass out] Um... We...we...we...we...we...we...
[Brad smacks Nagi upside the head]
Nagi: Welcome, step......mother..... I'm so glad to meet you!
Narrator: Nagi and his father welcomed the newest members of their family into their home, and they were all happy for some time. But alas, Nagi's father fell ill and died, leaving his son to discover the true personalities of his stepfamily. You see, his stepmother, while appearing to be sweet and kindly, was actually very cruel. After the death of Nagi's father, the stepmother relegated Nagi to the rank of servant in his own home and forced him to wait upon them hand and foot.
[Nagi, dressed in rags, brings Taketori a cup of tea]
Nagi: Here you are, stepmother.
Taketori: [drinks the tea and then makes a face] It's too cold!! [beats Nagi over the head with a golf club]
[Nagi flees from Taketori, only to run past Farfarello. The Irishman is sitting in the middle of the grand staircase with a blender. He's putting fruit and various other things into it]
Farfarello: [gleefully] You put da lime in da coconut and mix dem both together...
[He puts said fruit into the blender and hits the power. A huge chunk of coconut flies out of the blender and smacks Nagi in the leg. Nagi yelps and then slips on some unknown substance on the stairs, tumbling the whole way down.]
Nagi: [lying on the floor] Itai itai itai....
[Brad comes in the front door and sees Nagi on the floor]
Brad: Taking a break, you lazy brat? I can find something better for your time. Go upstairs and lick my riding boots clean!
Nagi: [whimpers]
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Narrator: Several years passed, and Nagi's stepmother and sisters became increasingly cruel to him. He only found peace in his daily chores, a ritual he had long stopped fighting and accepted. One day, the royal messenger came to the door and delivered a letter adressed to "all the eligable men in the household." Obediently, Nagi showed it to his stepmother, who opened it immediately.
Taketori: It says here that the Princess is giving a ball! [reads directly from the letter] 'In the honor of her birthday, Her Royal Highness Princess Tot will hosting a ball tomorrow night. All eligible men are ordered to attend.'
Brad: [jaw drops] Princess *Tot*?? What is this? At least that Weiss brat got someone *desirable* in their story!
Farfarello: [licking a knife] 'Desirable?' You have the hots for Siberian?
Brad: [sputters angrily, turning a lovely fucia color]
Taketori: She must be planning to find a husband. All right Bradley, Farfarello, prepare for the ball. This is your chance to make your mother proud. Not to mention very very *rich* [rubs his hands together greedily]
Nagi: [wistfully] Princess Tot.... Stepmother, would it be possible for me to go too?
[The three others stare at him]
Nagi: Well, it says all eligible men, right? I'm a man, and the last time I checked, I was eligible too...
Brad: [muttering] I can't believe you *want* to go....
Farfarello: I want to go... maybe spilling her blue blood will hurt God.
Taketori: I'll make you a deal, Nagi. If you get your work done, then you can go to the ball with us. Deal?
Nagi: [hops up and down happily] Deal!! Thank you, Stepmother!
Narrator: So Nagi worked very hard to get the chores done, which wasn't easy because his Stepmother kept finding things for him to do. Not only that, but he had to help his stepsisters find suitable clothing to wear to the ball.
[Nagi looks inside Farfarello's closet. All of the suits have holes in them]
Nagi: I think we're going to have to rent you a tux, stepsister.
Narrator: The day of the ball arrived. The stepsisters had been dressed, the house was clean, and Nagi glowed with the possibility of going to the party with his family.
Taketori: Very good, Nagi. You managed to get all your work done. You may go upstairs and change.
[Nagi runs upstairs and changes into a dusty, moth-eaten suit. He looks like a bum, but he doesn't seem to care. He runs back downstairs and nearly falls down the stairs at what he sees. The living room is a disaster area.]
Taketori: Oh my. It looks like your stepsister is in one of his moods. Well, the house is a mess again, so you can't go to the ball Nagi. Have this cleaned up and repaired by the time we get home, bye!!
[Taketori leaves, dragging Brad out the door. Farfarello stalks after them]
Nagi: This is *so* not fair.
Narrator: Nagi was left alone in the house, disappointed and sad. He began to weep, wishing with all his heart that he could go to the ball and meet the princess. When all of a sudden, poof! When the smoke cleared, Nagi found himself stairing at strange man standing in his living room.
Schuldich: I resent that...
[Schuldich is hovering just above the floor, sitting Indian-style in mid air. A cigarette dangles from his fingers]
Nagi: [wiping away tears] Who are you?
Schuldich: I am your....[makes a face of disgust] fairy godmother.
Nagi: [falls over laughing]
Schuldich: Hey!! Knock it off, shrimp!! If you keep laughing, you won't get your wish....
Nagi: My wish?
Schuldich: [takes a drag off the cigarette] Yeah, your wish. You wanna go to some homo party that airhead princess is throwing, right?
Nagi: Um, yeah, I want to go to the ball...
Schuldich: You've got poor taste, kid. [unfolds his legs and sets down on the floor] I'm here to help you, but I think you're way past my skills.
Nagi: Why did I get the fairy godmother that's an ass?
Schuldich: If you keep insulting me, you won't be getting any ass at all.
Nagi: [blushes]
Narrator: The fairy godmother was indeed there to help Nagi get to the ball. He told Nagi what he would need to make the wish come true: a pumpkin, four white mice and a garter snake.
Nagi: [is giving Schuldich a weird look] Okay.... well, the mice and snake are do-able... I think my stepsister keeps some to torment. But the pumpkin... what the hell does this place look like, a farm?
Schuldich: That's the stuff I need, kid. Actually finding it is not my problem.
[Nagi searches the house, and manages to find the mice, snake, and a cucumber.]
Nagi: Will this work?
Schuldich: ....
Narrator: Once all the items were collected, the fairy godmother worked his magic. Nagi watched as the mice became four white horses, and the snake became the driver for the carriage the cucumber turned into. Nagi was amazed that such things were possible.
Nagi: Wow!
Schuldich: That is one *phallic* carriage...
Narrator: All that was left was Nagi himself. The fairy godmother transformed his old clothes into shining new ones.
[The moth-eaten suit becomes a tuxedo complete with gloves, white tie, tails, spats and a cane. Nagi checks himself out]
Nagi: I look great!!
Schuldich: I do nice work, kid. And those shoes are real glass too. Very snazzy.
[Schuldich makes a face at the fact he just said "snazzy"]
Narrator: Nagi was all ready to go to the ball. He got into his carriage, barely containing his excitement. However, his godmother had a parting warning.
Schuldich: Okay, kid. Have fun with the royal mental deficit, but you have to leave before midnight. That's when all this magic vanishes.
Nagi: Your magic only works until midnight?
Schuldich: No, it could be permanent. I'm just a bastard. [grins]
Nagi: Well thanks for all the help!
Narrator: Nagi rode in his carriage towards the gleaming castle. He watched it loom closer as he approached in excitement; sure all his dreams would come true.
[Schuldich takes a drag on the cigarette, then nearly chokes on the smoke as he laughs]
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Narrator: At the ball, all the eligible men in the kingdom were there, waiting for their chance to dance with the princess.
[Tot is sitting up on the dais with Hel and Masafumi, giggling]
Tot: Mommykins, Daddykins!! Tot danced with some men, but didn't like any of them.
Hel: You danced with one of them, dear.
Tot: But Mister Bunnykins didn't like him, did you Mister Bunnykins?
[She reaches behind Hel's throne and grabs onto a long white bunny ear. She pulls on it and ends up pulling Omi out from his hiding spot. He is wearing the ears, a black, skintight catsuit (catsuit for a bunny? *shrug* tot's dumber than a rock, what can i say?) and a little cottontail. He also looks unbelievably ticked off]
Tot: You didn't like him, right Mister Bunnykins?
Omi: [through clenched teeth] No, Mister ...... Bunnykins didn't like him.
Tot: You see, you see? They can't be good for Tot if Mister Bunnykins doesn't like them!!
Omi: Do you *have* to talk in the third person??
[Tot just giggles, loudly enough for it to bounce around the room and shatter several champagne glasses. In the back of the line, Brad's glasses crack and even Farfarello covers his ears]
Farfarello: She *really* hurts God....
Narrator: Princess Tot danced with more of the suitors, but could not find one who interested her. She was sad, because she began to fear that she would ever find a husband.
Tot: [giggles]
Narrator: Um, yeah... The Princess was desperately upset... Ahhh... Suddenly, a fanfare sounded as an elegantly dressed young man appeared at the top of the stairs. The crowd watched in silence as he descended, wondering, who could he be?
[Tot's eyes light up and she runs toward Nagi, dragging Omi with her by the ear]
Omi: OW! Dammit, Tot!
Tot: [glomps onto Nagi and continues to giggle] Have you come to be Princess Tot's husband?
[Nagi stares at her in shock, realizing that this was not the princess he envisioned.]
Nagi: [muttering] This is awkward....
[Tot begins to waltz with Nagi, leading, of course. They dance clumsily through the line of men, crashing into people or mowing them over with Omi, who has basically given up fighting.]
Narrator: So, the mysterious guest danced the night away with Princess Tot.
Tot: [stops dancing and giggles] Tot likes you, Mister Man. Does Mister Bunnykins like him?
Omi: [looks Nagi up and down appreciatively] Oh yes, Mister Bunnykins *likes* this one.
Narrator: Just then, the clock began to strike midnight.
Nagi: Sh*t!
[Nagi runs out of the palace and stumbles down the outside stairs, sprinting off as the clock strikes twelve. He blows right past the mice, snake and cucumber. Tot and Omi come running out after him, and find one of his glass shoes.]
Narrator: Princess Tot looked on the stairs and found one of the mysterious stranger's glass shoes lying on the stairs. She vowed to find its owner, and marry him.
[Tot picks up the shoe, and looks at it, giggling. She drops it and Omi just barely catches it before it hits the ground. Meanwhile, Nagi has managed to run back to his home and lets himself in. The living room is still a mess, but there is a note on an overturned table that reads "Your evil step-shim will kill you if he sees this mess..." and has a little SD picture of Schuldich blowing a kiss. Nagi crumples the note and looks around]
Nagi: This really bites.
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Narrator: Days passed, and everything in Nagi's household had returned to normal. His stepmother and stepsisters kept him so busy, he didn't have time to think on the ball or the princess.... or more accurately, the princess' 'Mister Bunnykins.' A royal decree had been issued, a representative from the royal court would visit every household and try the glass shoe on every man in the kingdom. The Princess Tot had vowed to marry he who fit the shoe, and could become extremely whiny if she was denied what she wanted. The royal representative checked all the houses in the kingdom, but could not find the owner of the glass shoe.
[Omi walks up to Nagi's house and knocks on the door]
Omi: This is the last house... if someone doesn't fit the shoe here, Tot'll whine at me for the rest of my miserable life. Maybe I can convince Queen Hel to behead me for failing....
[Taketori opens the door. Struggling to keep a straight face, Omi bows gracefully]
Omi: Greetings, Mistress. I am here with the glass shoe. Do you have any men in the house?
Taketori: Why yes, I have my lovely children, Bradley and Farfarello. Come in.
[Omi walks in just as Farfarello shuts Nagi in the closet]
Narrator: The representative tried the shoe on the first man, but it was too small.
Brad: Thank God...
Taketori: [hits Brad with the golf club] You worthless boy!
Narrator: The second tried the shoe on, but it was too large for him.
Farfarello: I have dainty feet.
Omi, Taketori, Brad & Narrator: .........
Narrator: Finally, there were no more people to try the shoe on, and the representative prepared to go.
Omi: Are you sure there's no one else?
Taketori: I'm sure.
[the closet door is forced open and Nagi stumbles out]
Nagi: [glaring at Taketori] What the hell was that for?!?!
Omi: Oh-ho... [he recognizes Nagi] Hey, it's you!
Nagi: [recognizes Omi] You! You're Mister....
Omi: Shhhh!!!! [he claps a hand over Nagi's mouth to stop him from saying "bunnykins"] You were at the ball, weren't you?
Nagi: [shuffles his feet] Well, yeah....
Taketori: WHAT?!?!
Omi: [holds out the shoe] This thing is yours?
Nagi: Yeah...
[Taketori takes the shoe and throws it against the wall. It shatters into a million pieces]
Taketori: Oh dear, I seem to have broken your shoe! [smiles evilly] Now you have no way to prove that brat was there.
[Omi looks slyly at the shoe shards, then back at Nagi, smiling deviously]
Omi: Let it break. [pounces Nagi back into the closet and kisses him soundly]
[Taketori passes out, Brad shuts the closet door and goes to find some Alka-selzer, muttering "never again"]
Narrator: And so Nagi found happiness forever after with the royal court's representative, who in turn found happiness in no longer being called "Mister Bunnykins."
Omi: [sticks his head out of the closet and grins smugly] And this time *I* get the guy! [a hand reaches out and pulls him back into the closet]
THE END