To say the nations were baffled would be a near understatement. The first meeting of the year wasn't scheduled until the end of next month. Honestly, after the last meeting in October, the nations needed a break from one another. A long break. (Which was spent in the hospital by the lucky few that a certain boisterous blonde decided to prank after the Halloween party). The majority, however, decided that there must be something important going on and showed up. They chattered amongst themselves until an unmistakably loud voice rang through the hall.
America, cheerful as ever, greeted everyone. "Alright, guys! If you haven't figured it out yet, I, America, have called this meeting to tell you all something really super important, so listen up!"
"This had better not be another pitch for a super hero movie or I swear to god I will ban everything from Batman to Captain America from screening in my cinemas again!" England fumed.
America gasped. "Aw, c'mon! Golden Gladiator was pure," He paused all of a second to think, "gold!"
"Any man that fights crime using overly salted potatoes and a burger for a shield is not a hero, you git!"
"I agree with America-san." Japan chimed in softly as usual.
"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT GETTING YOUR OWN OPINIONS!" Switzerland snapped and waved his peace prize about. He was even more irritable than usual due to the fact that Lichtenstein was now in a wheelchair after falling down a few flights of stairs when a (fake) giant spider dropped down in front of her.
"America, not to be rude but I have an appointment to get my hair done in an hour." France turned dramatically. "-Even though I don't really need it-" He does some random winking that just happens to go in Austria's direction. "So would you mind hurrying just a bit?"
"You get haircuts?" America and England said in unison.
"I didn't even know you knew what a hairdresser looked like." England said flatly.
America shook it off and continued before France could respond. "Anyway, I decided that if the world didn't end on January first then I'd make some totally awesome resolutions!" An innocent enough looking sheet of paper appeared. All of a sudden it began to look more like a slinky as a dozen others attached by tape rolled down. He began rambling off various things that were answered with either groaning or hysterical laughter.
"…I will only eat at McDonald's for two of my three meals and finally, become best buds with everyone! I realized that the way the world is now it'll never get better! We're all so stuck in the past! That's why everyone is going to terminate their current alliances and make brand new ones starting with me!" He struck his infamous hero pose as a flag appeared in the background. "I've already got the contracts all worked out so all you guys have to do is run and grab your bosses to cosign and we'll be good to go! Who wants to go first? The first ten people get an awesome Burger Buddy (The Golden Gladiator's kick-butt sidekick) costume and the best sidekick will get to go with me to Comic Con~!" He offered a million-dollar grin as he held up the pen. "England, Japan, you guys are already my hommies so you can go first!" Suddenly his phone rang. "Sorry, this will just take a sec!"
As soon as America was out of the room, the murmurs started up again. Germany decided that while they were waiting he'd take the liberty of going over the form for everyone. And then he froze.
"Ve~, Germany, what's the matter?"
Germany could not even speak. He looked like he'd just been sentenced to the death penalty.
"Germany…?" He took the paper. And a moment later his head was tilted in confusion. "Ve, does anyone know what a "pr-ay-noop" is?"
"Here, give it to me." England took the paper. "Oh. My. God." He murmured. It was déjà vu. He'd gone through this with France before. "THESE ARE MARRIAGE REGISTRATION FORMS!"
And that caught everyone's attention.
"The awesome me is out!" Prussia stated calmly as he pushed himself up from the table and started heading for the door.
Switzerland quickly brandished his newest gun. "If I go shoot him right now, will it still count as a crime of passion?"
Cuba's accent got so thick that trying to comprehend anything he was saying was a waste of time.
"Is that even legal?" Canada mused aloud. Even though they loved one another deep, deep, down, there was absolutely no way he'd marry America. He'd be churning out so many pancakes that he might be mistaken for an IHOP.
"Did you hear something?"
"Gah, the hall is haunted!"
"Well I'd take the ghost over America any day."
Hungary could barely contain her squealing. "Japan, give me your camera!" She thought only of the yaoi.
"Marriage originated in Korea."
"What? First I get stuck with the tomato bastard and now the burger eater expects me to go along with him? Ugh, I might as well marry the damned potato eater!"
"Here, Hungary-san." He held out the shiny, Vocaloid-sticker covered thing. He had already resigned to his fate, figuring this would be like Westernization all over again, inevitable, and had even changed into his housewife outfit without anyone noticing (ninja skills). Except this one was more modern, and slightly provocative.
"Hmm, I wouldn't mind taking you as a wife, myself." Turkey mused as he took in the outfit.
Greece immediately woke up and began to glare daggers. "You're always trying to hit on Japan! He doesn't like you! Did he give you kitty ears?" The little kitten in his lap hissed.
"Why are you all such morons? I can't believe this, I must vent my frustrations!" And the hall was filled with Chopin.
"Moron? Me? I am not a moron." Russia said in that sickly-sweet voice that was always accompanied by an odd purple aura and trademark kolkolkol.
It was almost as scary as Belarus' (Who was currently being detained by men with large needles…with little success).
The Baltics shivered. But at least Lithuania seemed to be alright as far as the marriage idea. He'd lived with America before and enjoyed it very much.
Germany finally recovered. "QUIET!"
Silence.
"Now, we all know America is an idiot. But he is also persistent and quite powerful. Now, unless we think of a plan quickly, we'll all end up" He shuddered a bit. "Misses Alfred F. Jones'. Now normally I don't condone lying but mein gott, this is an emergency. I don't care what you have to do! If we all band together, I'm sure we can come up with a plausible solution. Any suggestions? "
"OK, cool… Yeah, I know... I think they're all really excited. Talk to you again soon." Alfred's voice could be heard approaching.
"On second thought, every man for himself!" He shouted and dived out the nearest window with Italy in tow. "PASTAAA~!"
"WHAT THE CRAPOLA? You damned potato bastard, where do you think you're going with my brother?" He made to follow them. "SPAIN! DO SOMETHING!" He fumed.
"Don't worry, Lovi! I'll save you!" He appeared in a suit with a religious official by his side. He held up a veil with a smile.
"…" And that's why he decided to follow Germany out the window.
"Lovi, mi media naranja! Wait for me!" He dragged the official along with him as he too defenestrated himself.
Prussia blinked. He hadn't even made it out the door, too shocked by Germany and Spain. He really should consider getting some other, more awesome than his current but not as awesome as him (of course), friends.
"'Sup dude that's no longer a country?"
Prussia blanched. "T-The Awesome Me could become a country again any time he wants. I-I'm just doing you all a favor. I'm so awesome that you can't handle it! You'll see! When I get reinstated, I'm gonna seize everybody's vital regions except yours because no one wants them!" He ran out.
Everyone watched him run out and some couldn't help but feel sympathy for him.
Gilbird flew back in to peck America in the eye (or lens rather) then fly away again.
"Texas! Aw man, the hero can't be blind!" He frowned as he pulled off the glasses and assessed the damage. "Anyway, that was my boss calling to tell me to think about my idea some more but I already know you guys dig it! So, who wants to go first?" He repeated.
"'Scuse me, but 've already got m' wife." Sweden said politely while gesturing to Finland. Or at least he thought it was. Everyone else with the exception of Russia and Belarus and the ever conscientious (haha, funny) Denmark found it quite frightening.
Finland had to repress a scream. He quickly stood up, a nervous sweat breaking out all over him. "I just remembered that I, um… have to get started on toys for next year!"
"But Christmas was last month!"
"You can never get started too early!" And he fled with a face red enough to rival Rudolph's nose. Sweden followed him, being the loving husband he is, and no one dared stop him.
Meanwhile, England had been slowly recovering from the shock. Being a tsundere, he would never admit that he cared about America and enjoyed being close to him, especially considering how he'd hurt him when he declared independence. And while he did love America in his own way, he couldn't marry him! That would be just wrong! More wrong than encountering a naked France from behind! What to do?
"Britain!" Came a cute, squeaky voice out of nowhere.
"Flying mint bunny? Is that you?" He whispered, not wanting to draw attention to himself.
"I came to help you, Britain! Me and everyone else!" All of his magical friends appeared. The unicorn trotted up and told England to get on. He did so.
"Let's go to Candy Mountain, Britain!"
"Screw that, just take me to the nearest pub!" He ripped off his clothing to reveal the apron from April Fool's Day. Uni galloped back to get a head start before doing a grand leap over the nations.
England cheered gleefully while waving a leek. "BRITANNIA WALES~!" And disappeared into a cloud of sparkly pink dust. Fish and chips rained down.
A few nations' brains broke after that. Japan and England's siblings were left unfazed seeing as how this kind of thing was quite normal for them.
"Ooh, free fries!" America munched on them gratefully.
"I'll go." Lithuania said timidly.
Poland gasped. "But you've like totally already got me! And I'm all like way cool and have the latest clothes and ponies! And I'm like so much cuter than him! I bet he's not even a real blonde."
"Oh, America is definitely a blonde." A random nation interjected.
"Hey!" A few other blonde nations exclaimed.
Poland grabbed Lithuania and began dragging him away.
America could see that he would get nowhere so he pulled a dart out of nowhere, closed his eyes, and tossed.
"Ow!" Hong Kong lamented. He'd been minding his business and drawing pictures that unfortunately have been mosaicked out.
"China, I choose you! Wait, you're not China!"
"He's Hong Kong, aru! And you can't have him! I already have to share him with Opium."
America had a rare moment of insight. Those eyebrows and sailor mouth with those clothes and distinctly Asian features. "….You and Britain had a kid? Whoa…"
There were so many sweat drops then you'd think the nations had been participating in a triathlon.
China smacked himself. "Yes, just like how you and Britain did!" He huffed sarcastically.
Speak of the devil, out pops Sealand. "I'll do it if you'll acknowledge me as a country!"
And no one paid him attention, poor thing. He sighed. Japan couldn't help but feel bad and would spoil him with anime and Pocky later when England isn't around.
"Aren't you happy that there's someone who acknowledges you even though you hardly acknowledge the fact that you're related?" A rather loaded question courtesy of Norway.
Iceland already knew where this was going. "I'm never going to say it again."
"…" Alright, so it would be the hard way then. He raised Iceland's hand for him.
"What are you doing?"
After flashing the northern lights at him for a few minutes, Norway was finally able to get America's attention. He started to walk over. It would be a moment since they were so far away.
"Let me go! Let me go!"
"You know what I want."
"Not saying it! I've done it already!"
"Say it."
"I don't know you!"
"He's getting close."
"NO!"
Norway frowned a bit. Was it really that bad to be related to him?
"… Big Brother…" Iceland whispered with a bright flush.
Norway was happy. Even if he had to blackmail Ice, he still got to hear it for a second time.
"Alright, sign here!"
"What are you talking about? He didn't raise his hand." Norway replied evenly. Technically, this is true.
For once, America didn't even bother. As far as he was concerned, the Nordics were weirdoes and if you took away the cool lights, furniture, and Christmas, there wasn't much else.
"I'll sign!" Russia smiled, cracking a few windows. "How about we fix the contract so that everyone will become one with mother Russia, da? We can start with my comrades in Asia." China shuddered and couldn't bear looking over his shoulder. Vietnam, Thailand, Taiwan, Macau, and India didn't even bother with politeness and were out of there so fast that it would've put Italy to shame. Then Russia's eyes slid over to Japan.
Japan swallowed, feeling a mix of hatred and admittedly, some fear. Well, desperate times, right? "Ano, I already become one with Greece? (Which never happened by the way so everyone should just let it go!) And now I'm going to become one with Turkey!" His poor ancestors he thought. He contemplated hara-kiri. But that would have to wait until he was safely away from here.
"Huh?" Turkey blinked as he was pulled away by the surprisingly strong little nation. Not that he was going to object.
Greece fumed. Hungary half-screamed and nearly fainted onto Austria's piano.
Japan, feeling a little guilty and deciding that since his honor had already gone out the window (hmm, where did those guys go anyway?) said "Greece-san and Hungary-san, feel free to join us!" And suddenly he was the one being dragged away at top speed… and wasn't seen for days. But there were rumours of a new doujinshi that was selling incredibly well and Hungary having to take down a good portion of her various blogs and profile pages due to inappropriate content.
France gazed longingly after them before his cell phone began vibrating. "Sacrebleu!" Belgium and Switzerland gave him a look (No one that speaks decent French even uses that anymore!).
He was going to be late for his appointment! (Somehow the time difference between Paris and New York had failed to occur to him.) He whistled loudly before babbling out how a new restaurant founded by yours truly had been opened downtown and was serving a free lunch to first time customers. The word "free" was enough to propel Austria and Switzerland out the door and quite a few other nations, even those that didn't care for French cuisine.
For once, America did not budge. He was going to get someone's signature today if it was the last thing he did!
"Did I mention that they specialize in gourmet hamburgers~?" It took all he had not to gag at the thought. Really, between him and Britain France wasn't sure who had worst taste.
America slammed down the paper shouting "Meeting adjourned!" And barreled out.
French did a sexy (coughdisturbingcough) victory dance all the way to his plane. This was short lived seeing as how 1) he'd missed his appointment by a longshot and 2) he'd find himself being mobbed later on by angry nations.
"When I said I enjoyed foreplay this is not what I meant~!" He protested from inside the pillory as his gorgeous face was sullied with tomatoes, much to the horror of Spain and Romano.