Erosion

But your love was a compass,
Whose only direction was Lost, and
That Touch was the needle that pointed
To a whole new world, where nothing existed
But you

"Where do you want to go?"

It was only when the gloom of the funeral was behind me, the fumes of misery having had numb my senses, and the smoky clouds of sorrow having had rained down their share of heavy waterworks, that I realized the obscurity in his voice, and adjusted myself enough to look around at my surrounding.

The renowned highroad of the town, lined with masses and masses of lush green trees and not a single populace within at least ten miles. I'd always been spontaneous, but today even I had to admit that I had crossed my boundaries. But then again,nothing we ever said or did together ever was purposeful; instinctual and impulsive rather.

The voice echoed in my head, reverberating in my mind. The owner's eyes were curious, worried…

Where do you want to go?

Where indeed?
I didn't know.

"You're lost."

More than you think. Like a compass with a broken needle. A star spun forever out of reach.

And desperate, too. Don't forget desperate.

For when I'd saw him today, the man that was now behind the wheels, I had spun straight into his field, no questions asked. A four year communication gap went ignored, and there were no "hello's" or "how-you-beens", but just a long stare and four words on my part.

I need a ride.

And in minutes, I was in a new car, with someone that I used to know, going to a place that had no direction. A part of me nudged on the inside. We were together. And alone. It's what I'd been running from all those years, yet….

I don't mind.
Never.

….I was groping valiantly in the dark for something to hold on to, and he was the first thing in reach. And suddenly, the fear of our past didn't matter for a few minutes, but the overwhelming feeling that we were together even after that did.

The car halted. My body jerked forward, then back against the seat. My head snapped in his direction.

I trust him.
Always.

He looked at me, his eyebrows creased over his amethyst eyes, and I wondered what he saw that hardened his expression. Nothing new, he'd always been hard on me but it offended me now, especially considering that it was something that I'd have shrugged off a few years ago. Time seemed to have made our relationship formal.

"I'm sorry about your mother and sister."

I hadn't realized I'd been looking for signs of affection, till I spotted the professionalism in his voice. Well-practiced line, I was sure. Nothing of his personal interest, just conventional. Truly business-like, as always.

I looked away. And there was silence; the piercing kind. The kind I'd always had to handle in his company.

But it didn't last long.

"I'll help you, Hils"

Soft it was, the voice of my dreams, like I'd always imagined it to be, but a side that he rarely showed. First, it was a soft caress on the cheek, then a slight brush on the shoulders and it moved way past an embrace. He rarely showed affection, and I rarely accepted some attention.

But it was different this time. Four years of distance….. Not that I hadn't seen him in between. But at Dad's funeral, I was barely conscious. And Grandpa Grangers' had had too many people for me to even glance at him. I knew he'd always wanted to help, one way or another; for we did have a different kind of a bond. But he wanted to be a part of my life that he no longer was anymore. How could I allow him in again? At times I'd thought that maybe I'd pushed him away, after our first fallout, a little bit too much but I was way too hurt to say anything. So I hadn't. And all those nights of countless words, turned into nights of piercing silence. Soon, there were no nights left at all, where he and I would talk anymore.

And I hadn't had the courage to look up at him yet, not properly, but he felt nothing like he used to. He was not the same.

"If you could just let me…"

Yet so much the same.

So, I pushed against him, moving us apart. The first of my unkempt words slipped out.

"Why are you here?"

Like ice breaking into tiny little shards, that was the sound of my voice; fissuring. Somewhat quieter than I'd imagined it'd be. More uncertain. It wasn't new to me, the strange ways I acted around him, but it hurt still. Maybe we both were somehow still the same, even now.

So where was the proof that we won't make the same mistakes again?

I looked up, and he looked away.

No answer…..it was the most vivid answer yet. It told me there was regret somewhere in the equation. You can't run away from something for years, without running into it at least once.

Silence again. And in the silence, I jabbed my sleeves at my eyes, my mind no longer numb now. It was racing. I could hear the blood pumping in my ears, in the rearview mirror, I saw my face flush.

He's here because of this….

I blinked at the mirror, felt my lips move apart….
"Misery isn't the only time that I need you…."

Spoken too soon. Zero attempt at holding back.
"….so why is it that it's the only time that I see you?"

No answer again. My hands trembled, and my lips quivered; the onset of a waterfall.

"I'm just a face that you keep forgetting, but at times that a crises shows up."

I'd always blamed him for forgetting me. I had my reasons, but he never had a single one; I hadn't given him any. The only times he'd come back was when he thought I'd needed him; he was never really there. I wouldn't go back running to a man to whom I didn't matter enough to look back. So I gave up in a matter of weeks, trying to get him back.

But I'd always clung onto him, despite myself. Despite my pride, and the self-loathing it'd earned me. Because a part of me always thought that he'd try harder than he had, to glue our broken bond. Guess I was expecting too much.

With time though, something had changed. Maybe I missed him too much to ignore. But somewhere along the years, a part of me stopped blaming him. Not completely, but still it stopped. I was a face that he forgot, but it wasn't his fault. He never had picked up a blade and carved my memory off his brain. Blame the distance that was the tides to the sandcastles of our memories. Blame the fact that I cut him off deliberately.

Yet, he looked sorry….and how could I deny that misery was the only time that I yearned for him the most? He always knew how to cheer me up.

"You pushed me away, Hils…"

I could see he was being careful about his words. And the tone, it wasn't blaming; but commenting, reminding.

"I thought I mattered enough for you to try harder…"
"I'm trying, now."

Trying to fix what we'd lost. He sounded sincere.

"You gave up, Hillary. I'm still trying."

Guilt. And I had to clamp my sleeves over my face to keep myself together.

Still trying.

It was quiet for a while, stagnant. Tiny specks of raindrops fell on the windshield and onto my face through the open window. A glance at the road, and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing as I was.

We were human. Imperfect. A fragment of dust that no-one notices is gone when it's gone….so does it really matter where we go?

"Away."

His eyes met mine, reflecting confusion, at the sudden change in my tone.

"I wanna go away."

Away from a world where I was so very much awake, into a world where I would be thinking things unknown to me. Away from the world that we live in now, and into the one that we used to live in but had deserted all those years ago. Away from everything, away from reality…. and into a fantasy.

It was like biting into a sedative that would do you more harm …For the fantasy was more killing than reality, but still it held more bliss.

And Kai knew it. Knew that I wasn't lost, not really, but waiting to be found. Waiting for his efforts to get strong enough to find me.

There was a smile that we both half-heartedly shared –for he knew where the compass needle led to now— a roar of the engine and it started once more, our strange little odyssey. Strange, yet the same unusual one. Spontaneous. A mistake that we both knew we were making, knew that the cruel hands of the past had grabbed us and were dragging us down the same road all over again. A mistake I wasn't ready to make. A mistake I would regret making. Yet…

It felt alright.
Honestly, yes.

AN: Umm, this was meant to be vague. But all the reading and the re-reading and re(times infinity)reading kinda turned it sideways because I added to much detail for it to be called vague, but this was my first attempt at it, so hopefully I wasn't so bad. I had fun though. :)

Before reviewing, guys, please keep in mind to not ask me questions like, 'What happened between Kai and Hils?' or 'Where're they going now?' or 'Are they going to patch things up?'Use your imagination. The fallout could've been anything. They could be going anywhere. And they could have a conversation and STAY broken up.…Depends on what the reader wants it to be, really. That's the trick to vagueness.

Oh! And be SURE to tell me what ideas you came up with to fill the gaps! Lols. I'd love to hear them. :P :P :P :P :P

Especial thanks to KHL, who's my Beta, of course and obviously would've read this story before hand. Thanks for clearing up a MAJOR crises! The story is so much better without that issue. Thanks for your honest opinions on that quote thingy…:) :) :). Love you loads.

Aside from that, I've started on poetry again! I only do free verse, btw. Took a break for two or three years but then started it a bunch of months ago. I'm sure someone would've noticed that by the flowery stuff in this very prose. And the quote at the beginning, which I found in my collection as I was going through it…:) :) I put them up on fp, the link to the account being in my profile. I know poetry must suck to most people, but meh! Thought I'd mention. :)

On a brighter note, two months of wallowing, apocalyptic misery AKA the boards, and I'll be free to write. Yeh! Waiting for mid June. Or prolly end of May, if I want to start then.

Ciao. Wish me luck!