What Did I Get Myself Into?, a big time rush fanfic

James,

My reason, I don't know why. Your shit you did to me was asylum insane.

My mistake was irreplaceable. Yours almost killed me.

I was drunk. You were in reality like most of the planet.

We met as you picked me up, you then pushed me down in hatred as we seperated.

I'm sorry I cheated on you James, but you are never hearing from me ever after that day.

Ashley.

It was a long year before the incident, I was alone and 21 and watching Big Time Rush in my cheap apartment in downtown LA. I always thought to myself "what if James and I were together?" and one day it became a reality, then I ruined it.

I was at the mall with my friend I met a couple of days ago from my college. We were walking out of aeropostale when I ran into him. Him and his friends. He looked at me while picking me up off of the ground and I did the same. He looked me in the eye and spoke to me those famous words with a loving smile, "I'm James, and you are?" then I said to him smiling while he held my hands, "I'm Ashley as you wanted to know."

We exchanged glances as he totally ignored his friends as ignored mine. We walked to Baskin Robbins and shared a smoothie. We liked the same flavor, raspberry, and went on with our lives, together.

That's how we met and in the middle was better.

We walked a lot around the park that we both loved so much, 3 months into our relationship and things were great. He walked me over to our favorite willow tree and held my hands and started to swing them, I loved him so much at that point as he did the same, he probably loved me a little more than I did and kissed me for the very first time under the willow tree. It was loving and special. I never thought of him as the guy off of TV after that point, I thought of him as my one and only boyfriend. We let out of the kiss moments later then he spoke to me, "I love you Ashley and you're the only one I want to be with forever." It shook me a bit he said that after 3 months of dating but I didn't care that much. After he said that I held onto him by putting my arms around him and hugging him. He put on "A Thousand Miles" and we slowly, I guess you could say danced to it.

Then 6 more months later we did the unexpected, the thing that could ruin his career if anyone found out.

Then where I am right now but a couple weeks, possibly 5 or 6 weeks ahead, the guys and I were all drunk and James was out somewhere else and we all decided to play truth or dare. The truths and dares got passed around then Kendall asked me truth or dare, I said dare and he dared me to kiss him and I did. Then moments later when me and Kendall were still kissing, James walked in. He was holding something in his hands, like a little black box or something, it was hard to make out at that time, but when he saw what I was doing he walked out of the house. I saw who it was and immediately reality clicked in my head and I quickly got out of the kiss and ran after James. James stopped where he was as I called his name and said furiously but sadly at me "How fucking could you do this shit to me after all of these fucking years together!" He never turned around once to look at me.

"I'm sorry Ja-"

"Bullshit! You were kissing, should I say making out with Kendall!"

"We were drinking."

"That's not a good fucking excuse."

"But it's true. It's as true as how much I love you."

"If you loved me you wouldn't be eating Kendall's face." Then he walked away dropping the little black box on the ground and putting one hand on his face pushing up his hair getting in his car and speeding off hitting a couple of mailboxes and trash cans on the way out. I went to the little black box and picked it up, I pushed away all of the dirt and most of the water with my shirt and hand. When I was done cleaning it up some I opened the box and it glimmered at me, a little silver diamond engagement ring sat there shinning brighter than ever. I looked at it carefully then closed the box and fell to the ground in tears still clinging to that little box.

As I was still drunk that night I calmed down my sobbing and walked to the car and drove off. While on the road everything looked different and my reflexes got slow, I ran into the front of and 18 wheeler as it dragged me a couple of feet by the driver's side. It ran into another car then pushed me and that other car off of a bridge as we fell most likely to our death, except I didn't die, but I was close.

I was rushed to the hospital in a critical state trying hard to stay alive but James' face was still in my memories, and what happened about an hour back and all I wanted to do was just die. I kept closing my eyes but then the doctors would immediately open them again. I just wanted to say "please let me die." But they probably wouldn't do it because I was still alive from that. I got to the hospital going faster in there than I wanted to overhearing a lot of "move out of the way" and "Death bound patient coming though." And it was more than I could take. When there was a point where they weren't looking at me but looking straight ahead I closed my eyes fell asleep.

I woke up with people looking at me, it was kinda hard to make out who until I saw their faces clearly. I saw Carlos, Logan, Kendall, but no James. I asked "Where's James?" then Kendall and Logan exchanged looks then Kendall said to me "Wishing you were dead most likely."

"Most likely?"

"He won't talk to any of us." Said Carlos.

"God, what did I do?" I said starting to cry in my hands curled into a ball.

Kendall hugged me and started to rock me back and forth and saying to me, "You didn't do anything, I caused it, it was stupid and apparently life threatening."

"You don't know that it was your fault, who brought the alcohol and said 'let's get drunk'?"

"Me." Said a little voice in the back of the room.

Everyone looked back at the voice, "Logan!"

"I'm really sorry."

"No! If you were sorry then why did you intend to ruin a relationship that was going into being married?" Kendall screamed at Logan.

"I'm so fucking sorry." Logan said rudely as he pushed Kendall aside and walked out.

"Someone took the wrong side in bitchville." I said as he overheard me.

Logan stopped then turned around and looked at me. "Well you're not the one being accused by his own 'friends' for attempted murder!" then he turned back around and left the hospital room.

"I need a ride…" Carlos said walking out of the room. Kendall and I exchanged looks, sad looks. He started to look around the room for a chair but he couldn't find one. I began to pat the bed and I moved over to give him room. He began to shake his head and I nodded my head then he finally came on the bed. He looked at me then he said nervously to me, "I'm really sorry about you and James and then how you came here and what happened when we played truth or dare-"

I cut him off then said to him, "I don't care. Well I care that James hates me and probably wishes I was dead but besides that fact, I'm ok and you don't need to worry." I grabbed his hand interlocking each other's fingers.

"I thought you wanted to get back together with James?"

"I do, but I know you care about me and I can tell you want to be with me."

"How do you know?" he said looking in my eyes.

"Cause nobody makes those eyes at me if we are just friends." I said to him slowly falling for him. We both slowly started to lean in but then the doctor walked in to check on me then we quickly fell back. I waited as the nurse came in to change my medicine bag. Kendall asked "Does it hurt?"

"Does what hurt?"

"The needles they keep sticking in you."

"No not really."

"Then why do you keep tensing your hand?"

"Cause it stings." I said as the nurse finally left.

"She's gone. So you wanna, maybe go back to what we were going to do?"

I waited a couple of seconds staring into Kendall's beautiful green eyes, brushing my fingers through his soft blonde hair. I slowly started to pull him closer to me then finally we began to kiss, slowly, sweetly, but I knew it was wrong because this was with the guy I cheated on James with. Then I guess Kendall felt something in the kiss I didn't feel yet and started to kiss me more passionately so I went along with it.

Soon those sweet kisses turned into a week and getting out of the hospital and living where I know I won't be hated, with Kendall. Then James found out I got out and where I was and while Kendall was at work James paid me a visit.

James knocked on the door and I mistakenly answered it. He pushed himself in and forcefully shut the door and grabbed me by the shoulders brutally; I could feel the bruises forming underneath my skin. He screamed at me, "WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM!" I tried to answer but then he came back with, "YOU KNOW WHAT, DON'T ANSWER THAT." and grabbed the bottom of my jaw with force.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I tried my hardest to scream at him.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'M DOING? I'M SHOWING YOU HOW I FELT!" as he said that he pushed me hard into the staircase rail, back into the rail re-breaking the already fractures in my back. I sat there in pain holding my back, black tears streaming down my face from the makeup I was wearing. He walked to me and within a second I had I broken jaw from his foot meeting my face. I laid there on the floor wondering what I did to deserve this and blood streamed down my face, I finally for the first time cried blood. I thought I was dead just lying there but no that was only the beginning of hell. Before I knew it, I already had my neck held vigorously slowly being broken, so slowly he just wanted to make this day a fucking miserable hell. He left me lying there, broken, lifeless, and corpse-like on the floor bleeding the rest of my worthless life out.

After 30 minutes of lying there I tried to get myself up but I never worked, I just kept falling down on the blood-stained floor. Kendall walked in to see me half dead on the deathbed carpet. He ran up to me trying to pick me up but I kept whimpering in sulfuring hell. I tried to say to him that my back was broken but with the damaged jaw it was practically impossible. James planned to break my jaw so I couldn't say shit about any of this. I finally realized James isn't worth it; Kendall would go to the ends of the earth for me. Kendall carefully placed me on the couch and immediately after called the emergency room. He ran into the kitchen and brought back a towel and started to get the blood off of me. He looked at my eyes and realized where most of the blood came from and started to cry himself.

The ambulance finally rushed in and rushed me to the hospital. They put me in the emergency room and started to put a lot of blood in me. A few minutes later the told Kendall they ran out of my blood and asked if they could use his blood; He said yes and I haven't seen him sense.