I always thought that he would be in the shadows, watching my every move as I slither across my destiny. I always thought that every time I were to spill salty tears, he would be there, laughing. I always thought that he was just a worthless herbivore that needed none of my attention.
Maybe what I thought was wrong.
I never thought that he would be so dear to me until he was completely withdrawn from me. I never thought that a simple herbivore like that would have such a huge impact on my life. I never thought that my world would suddenly come crashing down when he was gone.
I never thought any of it.
I always thought the opposite of it. The opposite of everything.
I don't have the powers to go back in time. I can't change what had happened. I can't change what he said. I can't change what I said. I can't change anything from the past. I'm only human.
That disgusted me. I'm only human.
I wasn't born a hitman, like Yamamoto Takeshi. I wasn't as loyal to the Vongola Tenth as Gokudera Hayato. I wasn't as caring as Sasagawa Ryohei to Sasagawa Kyoko. I wasn't as confident as Sawada Tsunayoshi. I wasn't as kind as Dokuro Chrome. I wasn't as desperate as him.
What am I ?
I am just a mere human. A pathetic human that could utterly nothing for one in need.
A pathetic human that blames his death as his own faulting.
A pathetic human that didn't know the true meaning of the words that he spoke.
But I wouldn't think that of myself.
I was the Head of the Displinary Committee of Namimori Middle School. I was the one known dangerous to every student and teacher. I was the one uncaring for every herbivore that I see fit to be ignored. I was dubbed the strongest guardian of Vongola. I was the one that fought all those herbivores that invaded the base. I was the one named Hibari Kyouya.
Hibari Kyouya would not blame anyone's death on himself. Hibari Kyouya would not even care a bit for a herbivore's death.
And that was what I intended to do. The herbivore's death should not affect me in any way. The herbivore was just another pawn to be yet forgotten and buried. The herbivore was nothing. Nothing of my usage.
I hated him. I despised him. I loathed him.
He wasn't suppose to be in my life. He wasn't suppose to ruin it either. He wasn't suppose to speak those three words that herbivores tell each other.
He could say those three words to anyone he pleased. But he chose me to say it to. He was that stupid in the head.
He knew my reaction. He knew that I would reject him. He knew that I wouldn't care.
But he said them anyway.
And now I can't sleep.
Because all I can think about are those three damn words spoken by him.
" I love you. "
I can't sleep.
He was gone.
He was withdrawn from my grasp.
He was dead.
He was dead.
He was dead.
I didn't learn to ' give up '.
He was gone. Just like the mist when the sun comes out.
I can't accept that.
He is gone. He is dead. He is not here anymore.
I'm controlling myself. I'm trying. I will not let anyone see me break. I will remain the same calm self I've been for years. I will hide the true me that is breaking down on the inside. I will forget that this ever happened. I will forget everything he had did. I will forget him. I will forget every speck I know of him, I see of him, I hear of him.
I can't. By his death, I changed.
I know I have changed. Not on the outside, but maybe the inside.
Just like him, I'm desperate. I'm desperate for this pain to end. For him to fade away from my memories. For everything to come back to normal like he didn't exist at all.
No.
That wasn't it. I was desperate for another reason. Another reason that went against my mind, my body, my entire way of viewing things.
I was desperate for him to come back.
It was ridiculous. Absurd. Preposterous.
But I can't doubt what's happening. I can't doubt my feelings. No, not anymore.
The idiot should know.
The only thing I loved him for was the fighting. Like enemy to enemy.
Maybe I'm the idiot for thinking that.
I didn't just love him for the fighting.
No. It was more of a ' I love to hate him ' type of what herbivores call ' love '.
A forbidden type of love. A rotten fruit to a fruit basket. It's stupid.
I realize now. I'm not an idiot for loving him that way. I'm not stupid either. Nor desperate.
I'm just human.
Maybe that's all that I am. A human.
Another being that will die peacefully or non - peacefully in the end depending on how good or bad they lived their life.
. . .
I am wrong.
I am an idiot for loving him.
I am stupid for thinking that he was just another herbivore.
I am desperate to see him again.
I love him.
I love him.
I fucking love him.
Can you hear me, herbivore ?
I love you.
Why did you die like that ?
Why did you just leave me behind, after I chased your stupid tail for years ?
Answer me, herbivore. Answer me, or I'll bite you to death.
I'm outraged, herbivore. You're changing me. You're making me a person I wish never to be. You changed me, then you leave me behind. Am I a fool ? Or am I just a simple tool for you to use then throw away, like Dokuro ? Like everyone else you possessed ?
I'm not stupid, herbivore. Even if I were, I'm not as stupid as you are.
How dare you say those three words so easily ? Was it that easy to slam me against a brick wall mentally ? Did you even mean it ?
No, you did not.
You said those words. Then you left. And never came back.
Now I can't even think straight. I haven't gotten sleep in the past three days. Who's fault do you think it is ?
That's right. Yours. It's completely and utterly yours.
Did you know how surprised I was when I found out of your death ? How everything came crashing down on me on that day ? Did you know ?
No, you did not. You knew nothing. Nothing of me, nothing of the meaning behind your words.
You're just another herbivore. I will remind myself that. You're nothing special. Nothing at all.
But if I told myself that, I knew I would be lying to myself.
That's why I'm here right now.
I'm sipping tea, arms folded across my chest in which I'm wearing a yukata. I'm perfectly fine. Kusakabe is speaking to me, and I am responding back in a normal tone as if nothing happened.
That's on the outside.
On the inside, do you know what it feels like ?
No, you don't.
I'm not telling you either.
I'm telling myself that you're not worth it. You're not worth it.
I'm lying to myself again.
. . .
I want to hear those words again.
I want to hear it come from your mouth.
I want to feel your hands running through my hair.
Speak those words again.
I want to hear them.
Speak them.
. . .
I love you.
I love your laugh.
I love the way you caress my cheek.
I love the way you string your fingers through my hair.
I love it when you're beside me.
I love it when you embrace me from behind.
I love it when we fight. The glory and blood that was spilt.
I love the reason I have to hate you.
I love you.
Do you understand that, herbivore ?
I love you.
Come back.
Speak those words that I longed to hear once more.
I love you, herbivore.
Why aren't you saying anything back ? You would usually reply with something. Wordless ?
Say something.
Anything.
I want to hear your voice again. After ten years. I need to hear it.
Speak to me.
Did I do anything wrong ? Or are you just wordless ?
Speak to me.
. . .
You're stupid. I'm reckless. You're an idiot. I'm a moron. You're desperate. I'm wilting.
I love you, Rokudo Mukuro.
Come back.
I won't beg anymore.
You've changed me enough.
. . .
Come back . . . please . . .
Author`s Note / /
Erm, yes, not to be taken seriously. ( not for the critical eye )
I was actually considering this to be a humorous one in which the three words ( supposingly four ) were ' I ate your cookies '.
But, yeah, turned out this instead. D8
Is it just me, or does it sound as if I'm telling it from Gokudera's point of view to Yamamoto ? :/
Oh well, either way, imagine it 6918`s way, or 8059`s way.
( / shrugs )
Apology for errors and such.
KHR! does not belong to me. D8
And yeah . . . I was bored, and . . . yeah, you understand. .-.
EDIIIITTT : Okay, apparently I forgot to change the words into what they mean.
I have fixed it now. D8