The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to dinner. Except for one original character that I like to torment. Just more madness from my tiny little mind. We now go to…
The Retirement Dinner of Percival J. Thislescone
"Well," Cyril remarked as he looked around the private dining room. "Being hired for security for the retirement party for a board member of Cheryl's company isn't the worst job we could get."
"And we get free dinner to boot!" Pam grinned as she munched on a plate piled high in front of her.
Cyril, Lana, Ray, Pam and Krieger were dressed up and having dinner at a separate table where they could see everything. Mostly a room full of old white men eating, drinking and in some cases sleeping. And a few older women, mostly wives were also among the crowd.
Krieger agreed. "Smart of her to do a buffet."
"Well maybe not so smart for her company's wallet," Ray grinned. "These peanut covered wings are delicious!"
"They are, aren't they?" Pam nodded as she had some.
"Why did Cheryl hire us for this again?" Lana asked.
"In case this retirement dinner gets violent," Cyril said. "She said sometimes people who retire don't take it well."
"The man looks like he's going to drop dead at any minute," Pam pointed to a thin old man with very white hair in the center table. "How violent could he get?"
"Half of these people look like they're going to drop dead at any minute," Ray remarked. "I'm more worried about Cheryl getting hurt with something stupid she does than them hurting her."
"Hey it's a free meal," Krieger shrugged. "I'm not complaining."
"We've been getting free meals from Happenings for two months now," Pam reminded him.
"That's why I'm not complaining," Krieger told her.
"You've been eating for free at Cheryl's restaurant these past few months?" Lana was stunned.
"Why do you think we come here at least four nights a week?" Ray asked.
"And we order some big ass doggie bags to take home for the other three," Pam added.
"Except for when they had Crab-Tacular," Krieger added. "We were here every night for that."
"I did like Crab-Tacular," Cyril admitted. "But honestly I liked Wing Ding Week better."
"Wing Ding Week was fun," Krieger nodded.
"Next week is Lobster-Palooza," Pam said.
"I like lobster," Lana blinked. "Do they have a kid's menu here?"
"I believe they do," Pam nodded. "How else would I be able to order the Ultra Dinosaur Nuggets?"
"I think the speech is about to start," Cyril said.
Mr. Ulysses George Lee, the head of Cheryl's board of directors spoke in front of the room at a podium. "Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please?"
"Quiet assholes!" Cheryl shouted. She was at her own table. "Ugly wants to make a dumb boring speech!"
Mr. Lee ignored Cheryl's vulgar outburst, having sadly gotten used to them. "We are here tonight to celebrate the retirement of our good friend and college, Percival J. Thistlescone. Mr. Thistlescone rose up from the ranks of stock boy when he first entered the Tunt Corporation some fifty-five years ago. He leaves as one of the most honored and respected Head of Logistics we have ever had."
"Yeah, yeah…" Cheryl walked up and shoved Mr. Lee out of the way. "We all got the boring backstory out of the way! Now it's time for my speech!"
"Yayyy!" Pam clapped cheerfully for Cheryl. "What? I like Cheryl's speeches!"
"Oh, dear lord," Mr. Lee sighed as he went to his seat.
"This will not end well," Lana sighed.
"No, it will not," Cyril admitted.
"Okay we're all here to celebrate this boring old fart for leaving the company," Cheryl spoke. "I'm celebrating because that's one less paycheck I have to sign."
"Oh, this is going to be good," Ray snickered.
"Percy over here started out as a stock boy," Cheryl said. "Mostly because his grandfather got him the job. He was on the board years ago. Before he had that heart attack at that brothel in Amsterdam."
"We got paid in advance right?" Lana whispered to Cyril.
"Oh yes," Cyril nodded.
"Normally I only go to these stupid things so I can tell off the person retiring every stupid thing they did while they worked for the Tunt Corporation," Cheryl said. "Unfortunately, it turns out the only stupid thing Percy did was marry one of the telephone girls that worked here. And she wasn't even knocked up or anything!"
"The most shocking thing I discovered about you Percy is that you are probably the only board member I have that hasn't been dipping into the Kitty! And since that secretary has been getting around more than the Good Humor Man that's saying something!"
"You're also the only one that didn't steal a damn penny from me! So either you're the stupidest employee we've ever had or…. No, I think stupid covers it."
"How much did we get paid?" Lana asked Cyril.
"Twenty-five grand," Cyril said.
"We all know money doesn't buy you happiness," Cheryl said. "It buys you the things that bring you happiness! Like alcohol, drugs and sex! You should give those a try Percy! It might improve your personality."
"I can deal with this," Lana shrugged. "Cheryl insulting people isn't new."
"As long as it's not us," Ray added.
"Honestly Percy I thought you were going to die in your office," Cheryl said. "Unlike your father who died at that other brothel in Amsterdam. I guess the interesting gene just passed right over you didn't it?"
"And bringing up scandals isn't exactly a new stunt for her," Ray sighed as the crowd gasped in scandalized horror. "So, she can't do that much damage."
"Unless Cheryl sets the tables on fire," Cyril added. "Ray did you check her for matches?"
"I thought Pam did that!" Ray said.
"I thought Krieger did that," Pam said.
"I thought Lana did that," Krieger said.
"I thought Cyril…Uh oh…" Lana did a double take.
"I'd comment on how valuable an employee you were," Cheryl went on. "But honestly I just forgot you existed. And I probably will forget all about you as soon as this stupid dinner is over."
"Odds are one to one that will happen," Pam agreed.
"I won't forget how good the food is," Cheryl said. "I mean this food is great! Whoever picked out this restaurant to buy did a good job! I mean Happenings is great! It's where good things happen!"
"Like the time I did a guy in the back room with Pam. Don't worry it wasn't an employee. Just some guy who his girlfriend broke up with. And then got back together. Wow. That was a wild night!"
"I've had a lot of wild nights now that I think about it. Like the time we had that orgy in that secret Japanese bath spa with that Star Wars type creature and then we had to go to Ms. Archer's apartment to see if she was dead. But then we almost ended up dead because of a combination of bug gas and ceviche."
"And I do remember a party in San Marcos with a naked conga line. Admittedly a lot of that is fuzzy. Did I get married that month? Oh well, I know he's dead now so it doesn't matter."
"My point is that I am awesome. I mean I've lived a kick ass life while the rest of you were just working away in your dull little cubicles. With dull little lives. Taking precious time away from your family so that you can make money for me. All your hard work is so that I can party! Good job!"
"Oh, this is going to endear her to the working class," Ray rolled his eyes as the room started to grumble.
"Starting to see why Cheryl hired us for security," Lana winced.
"Now Percy I know that usually you give a stupid boring gold watch at these things," Cheryl waved. "But I thought of something better. Mr. Gilmore? Mr. Brown? Come up here! Come on! Come up!"
Two older men made their way up to the podium. "You two have been colleagues with Percy for years," Cheryl said. "And when I say colleagues, I mean you just barely tolerate each other because you're on the board. But you've been rivals for years. Like the time Mr. Brown you tried to blame a shipping fiasco you caused on Percy. Or the time Gilmore here screwed up another order and tried to blame you for that. Remember that?"
"Uh…" Mr. Brown blinked.
"I remember," Mr. Thistlescone glared at them.
Cheryl giggled. "Well here's my present to you Percy! I'm firing them tonight!"
"WHAT?" Mr. Gilmore shouted.
"You can't be serious!" Mr. Brown gasped.
"Oh, don't act so surprised!" Cheryl snapped. "Ugly tells me you two are the least effective board members I have anyway! And in this group of assholes that's saying something! And you've been taking money from the company funds for years!"
"Not as much as everyone else!" Mr. Brown shouted.
"Oh please!" Mr. Lee stood up. "You two are the laziest board members we've ever had. You only got on the board because your fathers were on the board before you. And they were only on because they blackmailed Ms. Tunt's grandfather!"
"And I'm taking away both your pensions," Cheryl added cheerfully.
"WHAT?" Mr. Gilmore shouted.
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" Mr. Brown shouted.
"I'm afraid she can," Mr. Lee looked at them. "And in this rare instance, I agree with her!"
"See Percy," Cheryl pointed. "Your rivals who though they were going to outlast you. But they're leaving the same time you are, only they have no money. And you get to keep your money because you actually worked for me. And these two are losers."
"Actually, this is better than a gold watch," Mr. Thistlescone admitted.
"Not much better for your wife," Cheryl said. "She's been having an affair with Mr. Gilmore for the past ten years."
"WHAT?" Mr. Thistlescone screamed.
"Well it's not like she can have any kids with him," Cheryl pointed out. "Because she's so old. Her eggs must have turned to powder by now."
"What's this about you having an affair with my wife?" Mr. Thistlescone stood up and glared at Mr. Gilmore.
"To be fair," Cheryl added. "It's not like she's the only one. He's been sleeping around with Hodgekins' old lady for five!"
"WHAT?" Mrs. Thistlescone and Mr. Hodgekins shouted at the same time.
"Yeah ever since his wife kicked the bucket Gilmore has been really hitting that nonstop," Cheryl added.
"I'd like to hit you non-stop Gilmore!" Mr. Hodgekins shouted.
"You've been cheating on me with that tramp?" Mrs. Thistlescone shouted at Mr. Gilmore.
"Oh, you're one to talk!" Mr. Thislescone snapped.
Mr. Hodgekins looked at his wife. "I thought you were sleeping with Simmons from Accounting?"
"He wishes," Mrs. Hodgekins shrugged.
"How could you do that to me?" Mrs. Thislescone glared at Mr. Gilmore.
"Again…" Mr. Thistlescone snapped. "You're one to talk!"
"Face it Thelma," Mrs. Hodgekins snapped. "I'm more woman than you can handle."
"Apparently Mr. Hodgekins can't handle her either," Cheryl quipped.
"Tell me about it," Mr. Hodgekins groaned. "The bitch has been cheating on me for years!"
"That's why you slept with Kitty the secretary huh?" Cheryl asked.
"WHAT?" Mrs. Hodgekins shouted.
"Oh, put a sock in it Harriet!" Mr. Hodgekins snapped.
"Bet you feel real stupid Percy," Cheryl added. "Kitty made a pass at you twice and you turned her down because you were loyal to your wife."
"Well I do now!" Mr. Thislescone snapped.
"How do you know all this stuff Cheryl?" Cyril asked.
"We used a different detective agency," Mr. Lee told him. "A real one!"
"That explains it," Cyril sighed.
Mr. Thislescone glared at his wife. "I can't believe I was a fool to think you would remain faithful to me!"
"Honestly neither could anyone else," Cheryl said. "It was pretty freaking obvious she was two timing you. I mean there's video of them making out in the coat room at the last company dinner!"
"You have a copy of that video?" Pam asked.
"Gilmore you want my wife you can have her!" Mr. Thistlescone snapped.
"Because apparently everyone else has," Cheryl added.
"That's my wife actually," Mr. Hodgekins grumbled.
"Oh right," Cheryl blinked. "You can see why I got confused."
"You can't fire us and take away our pensions!" Mr. Brown shouted.
"Again, yes I can," Cheryl said. "We're off that now. We're onto the good stuff!"
"Percival…" Mrs. Thistlescone gasped.
"Don't bother Thelma!" Mr. Thistlescone snapped. "I want a divorce! So I can morally have a shot at Kitty!"
"Sorry," Kitty spoke up. "I'm with Mrs. Brown now."
"WHAT?" Mr. Brown glared at his wife.
"Oh, don't act so shocked," Mrs. Brown snapped. "We haven't had sex since Carter was in office! I only stayed for your pension but since that's gone I'm leaving you!"
"Oh God!" Mr. Brown gasped holding his chest. "My heart! My heart!"
"Since when do you have a heart?" Mrs. Brown shouted.
"You can't do this to me!" Mr. Brown snapped.
"It's not just you!" Mr. Gilmore shouted.
"Percival you can't seriously want a divorce at our time of life?" Mr. Thistlescone snapped. "What about the vows we made?"
"Since you broke them more often than you broke dishes I consider them null and void!" Mr. Thislescone snapped. "You want Gilmore! You can have him!"
"Well not as he is now!" Mrs. Thistlescone shouted.
"WHAT?" Mr. Gilmore shouted.
"Please…Someone…" Mr. Brown gasped. "You can't do this to me!"
"Oh, drop dead, Brown!" Mr. Gilmore snapped.
THUD!
"I think he just did," Ray blinked as Mr. Brown fell to the floor.
Krieger ran up to Mr. Brown. "Yup, he's dead all right!"
"Oh, dear God!" Mr. Lee gasped.
"Oh please," Cheryl waved. "For every one of you old farts that kicks the bucket or gets shoved out the door there's at least twenty more waiting to take your place. Well nineteen. I'm putting Kitty on the board in place of Gilmore."
"WHAT?" Mr. Gilmore shouted.
"I like her moxie," Cheryl shrugged.
"HA!" Mr. Thistlescone scoffed. "That's justice for you!"
"You can't leave me!" Mrs. Thistlescone shouted.
"Can and will," Mr. Thistlescone snapped. "If you think I'm letting a whore like you sponge off of me one more second…"
"HA!" Mrs. Hodgekins snorted.
"What are you laughing at?" Mr. Hodgekins snapped. "You know the only reason I don't divorce you is that pact we made who will outlive the other one!"
"And she's a whore!" Mrs. Thistlescone pointed at Mrs. Hodgekins. "I just made a mistake!"
"Yeah you hitched your star to a loser!" Mrs. Hodgekins snapped.
"Wait who's the loser?" Cheryl asked. "Gilmore or Percy?"
"Gilmore," Mrs. Hodgekins said.
"WHAT?" Mr. Gilmore shouted. "You lying little…"
"Why are you upset with her?" Mrs. Thistlescone shouted.
"You low class tart!" Mrs. Thistlescone growled at Mrs. Hodgekins.
"Oh please!" Mrs. Hodgekins snapped. "Who are you kidding? We both started out as telephone operators! We knew the score and how to get out of that dead-end job!"
"You've made a fool out of me!" Mrs. Thistlescone snarled.
"You didn't need my help for that!" Mrs. Hodgekins shouted back.
"Hey uh!" Krieger called out. "There's a dead body here. Anybody care…?"
Mrs. Thistlescone attacked Mrs. Hodgekins with a shriek. "Okay apparently not," Krieger blinked as the older woman started a brawl.
"Gilmore I'm going to give you a thrashing you will never forget!" Mr. Thistlescone got up.
"I highly doubt it!" Mr. Gilmore snapped.
That's when Mr. Thistlescone punched him in the face. Mr. Gilmore gasped and fell backwards onto a table filled with food and cutlery. The force of the fall actually broke the table and sent several food and utensils flying.
One steak knife went flying and whizzed upwards at a freak angle. It managed to cut the cord holding up a small chandelier. Although it didn't cut the cord completely, the knife fell straight down.
"URK!" Mrs. Thistlescone gasped as the knife fell right into her back as she was strangling Mrs. Hodgekins below her.
"THELMA!" Mr. Thistlescone gasped as Mrs. Hodgekins kicked her off and into a wall where the knife went further in. She fell to the floor dead.
"My God! My wife is dead!" Mr. Thistlescone gasped. "I'm free! FREEEEEEEE!"
That's when the chandelier broke free.
"RUN!" Ray shouted. He used his super speed to drag Cheryl out of the way.
But Percival J. Thistlescone wasn't so lucky. "Huh?" He looked upwards.
It was the last word he ever said before the chandelier hit him in his skull.
"Oh my god!" Ray gasped.
"This is like the Red Wedding," Krieger gasped.
"Damn it!" Mr. Hodgekins snapped. "Why didn't my wife die?"
"The feeling is mutual!" Mrs. Hodgekins shouted back.
"God, I hate these retirement dinners," Mr. Lee groaned.
About an hour later the Figgis Agency was watching several police cars, ambulances and paramedics at work outside the restaurant. "So, your company is basically going to pay off everyone so nobody gets sued?" Cyril asked.
"Like almost every other Tunt function or occasion," Cheryl nodded. "I'm gonna go do something now." She walked away.
"Does anyone want to go after her?" Cyril asked in a tired voice.
"Nooope," Lana sighed.
"Well," Ray sighed. "At least she didn't start a fire."
"No, just a minor brawl that caused three deaths," Cyril groaned.
"Four deaths," Krieger looked over as another body bag was wheeled out. "Apparently one of the other chairmen was allergic to peanut wings."
"In other words, he had a peanut allergy," Cyril said. "And didn't know the wings were coated in peanut sauce."
"You are correct Col-Dumbo," Pam quipped.
"And another successful mission of the Figgis Agency comes to a close," Krieger remarked.
"Four people died at this dinner," Lana asked. "How is that a success?"
"It wasn't any of us," Ray told her. "And we're still getting paid. That's a success in my book."
"I'll take it," Pam said. "And I'll go take some more peanut wings to go."
"Really Pam?" Cyril asked.
"What? Nobody died in the kitchen!" Pam said. "The food is still good!"
"Those wings were good," Ray admitted.
"I could get a couple of salads for the week," Krieger said. "Piggly loves them."
"It does cut down on my grocery bills," Cyril admitted as he went with Pam, Ray and Krieger back into the restaurant.
"See if they have any chicken tenders," Lana said as she followed them. "AJ loves chicken tenders."