Warnings: Historical events in Hetalia-way, historical people, critic over nowadays politics in Finland, fic's fond on KEKKONEN, RusFin, BL/shonen-ai/light yaoi, angst, possible typos/wrong grammar, ANs almost as long as the fic (there's some historical facts), Dark!hetalia
XXX
I remember that autumn. I was kneeling before him, the nation I've loved for a long time. I remember how the usually playful violet eyes had darkened, filled with desire to destroy. "You will surrender, da?" he asked, grinning like a child who had caught a butterfly and ripped its wings apart, one by one. I knew that smile, the smile that reminded of him when he was- when he was Russia, only Russia, not Soviet Union. "Are you listening to me, Finland~?" he asked playfully although I knew there wasn't any patience in that tone. I had lost when trusting that Germany would save me from my beautiful but perilous neighbour, at this moment communistic, Russia.
I remember signing the peace offer bitterly, knowing that I would lose more regions but most of all, I had lost my will to believe that the Russia I knew would be still there. I knew I was lucky that Soviet Union had such a hurry to Berlin, to defeat my former ally but still- I couldn't thought anything but Russia- the sweet nation who stole me away from Sweden, who gave me my freedom I didn't know I had. He gave me everything: my identity, my language and my land. It didn't take too long for me to fall in love with him, the male who wanted me to be who I was instead of being a part of something I wasn't... Like Sweden did. It wasn't like I hated him, Sweden was willing to give me some of his people as well but... I yearned for more but I didn't know it before Russia.
I remember crying nights, remembering the Russification of Finland, the era when Russia was overprotective. He didn't want me to go outside in fear of me leaving him. I knew it was impossible because I was mad enough to fall in love for my metropole, a male who had been fighting with me till 1809, when I started living in his house (although he allowed me to be in my house most of time). I remember hugging Russia- no, Ivan, shushing him with a kiss, telling him it's all right, that I would never leave him.
What a big fat lie it was.
XXX
1917, the year when he started changing. Ivan had stopped being so possessive but now I was even more worried and terrified. The Russian nation had inner conflicts now and then but I tried to ignore them. I remember having a grip on him, trying to calm him down. The next thing I remember, I was on the ground, feeling the cold metal of faucet pipe on my skull. I screamed and struggled but it was in vain, he beat me up with the pipe before the world, the pain, the noise faded. I just stared blankly on nothing, feeling like a broken doll. Since when was I this weak? I had been a hakkapeliitta for a long time ago, I have killed so many-
Tears dropped, one by one and the beating stopped. I looked up, seeing the violent, regretful eyes widening. I heard the mantra of 'nyet' and I knew he was back. Everything was fine, like it used to be. Right?
…
If it had been, I would have stopped crying. If only there wasn't civil war in Russia, if only I could act like nothing happened.
I remember smiling at Iv–Russia,leaving the house. Shutting the front door behind me, I finally let myself to speak: "Why...? Why does it hurt so much? Why do I have to suffer-?" My whole history is based on agony and others- My history wasn't even actually mine. It had been all Swedish and Russian. I remember times I denied it, wanting to think of myself being important, only to make it harder and harder to admit it. "This is a curse..." I added, sighing. "Although I do whatever I can, although I try so much to hold on everything which is important- Why do I still lose everything?"
XXX
I remember looking numbly at Russia- Soviet Russia, pleading quietly not to let me go... Please, love me! Why can't you love me, Ivan? I don't care if you have changed, you're the only one for me- I looked at the paper being signed, on 6th December. The day I got my independence, the cold day I should have let my love die... but I couldn't.
I befriended with Germany and other nations. There was so many wars- Winter and Continuation war but I got over them. I saw my bosses- presidents and politicians come and go, not even trying to remember them. There was, however, an occurrence in 1956 I couldn't forget.
I walked through halls, waiting to meet a new president. I remember seeing him somewhere... The bald, middle-aged man with huge, rounded glasses. What was his name?
"Mr President is waiting for you, sir," an assistant opened the door where was a long table. Opposite the door, the man was sitting rather comfortably and filling some papers. Hearing the door to swung open, the man's eyes lifted from the papers while he was standing up. The assistant closed the door after excusing himself.
"You must be Finland, my nation," the president said, allowing me to shake his hand. "Yes, it's pleasant to meet you, Mr–err," I said, ashamed of not remembering the man. I guess I had been weeping too much to be interested in politics.
I saw the president staring at me awkwardly. "Urho Kekkonen," he answered, deciding to raise to mood. "I must say, this is really weird to be talking to one's nation- I'm sorry if this is rude but can I ask something?" I sighed, realizing that he must be wanting to know if me liking him would affect on public opinion. The politicians were all the same. "Sure, go ahead," I said.
"I heard that you have your own human name- Tino Väinämöinen? Can I call you Tino? I feel awkward referring you as Finland every time." I know me blinking and gaping my mouth probably looked funny but this was the first time anyone besides Ivan had ever asked it.
"... Urho, was it? I think I'm going to like you."
I remember time when Urho revealed how patriotic he was, how much he loved me. It was really weird since I never have met a human who would admit it so sincerely. At some point, I started calling him my father. At first, it was a joke, of course but later... I noticed how truth the statement was. He was trying to protect me from crisis' which were mainly from Soviet Union.
"Tino," Urho called me while we were arranging a meeting with Soviet Union and his leader, Hrustsov. He had been staring at me for a while and I was afraid for the worst. "Are you together with... Soviet Union?"
I felt the blush covering my face. And I thought I hide it well. "Togeth-!Err, no but I like him." It was the truth. I used to hate Soviet Union but it didn't matter because how much you looked at it, it was still him. My Ivan. We had also been closer lately.
"...Is it because of me? I know that my policy have made you befriend with him again but love-"
"No! You haven't do anything wrong! On contrary, you have leaded us together again... Look, we've been dating a long time ago, it ended when I got my independence! It has nothing to do with politics!" I wanted to hit myself because of the statements. I didn't know how Urho would take it but in old days he used to hate Russia.
"Okay, do whatever you want. I, myself, have a hard time to understand that kind of relationship between two men but- It must be natural for nations." Urho didn't know how truth that was. It was clear that almost every nation had been trying many options- and unlike in human society, it was approved.
XXX
After few years, Ivan and I started dating again. I knew that Ivan wasn't still completely all right but I decided not to comment on that because we were extremely happy. Ivan was as gentle as he used to be (to me, at least). It wasn't unusual for us to see each other five times a week.
In 1961 started like a normal year. I was happy as ever, knowing he had his boyfriend and Urho standing up from him. I remember the freezing October when I was waiting for Ivan, standing in front of airport gate, searching for tall male in scarf. Seeing him, I almost jumped in the air and ran toward him.
"Ivan!" I shouted and embraced the tall nation. He didn't move at all, eyes locked on my face. "Is something wrong?" The statement was a mistake. The Russian yelled at me, claiming that I was leaving him, breaking the promise I once made and I already broke.
Ivan screamed that I shouldn't talk to other nations, that I shouldn't go outside. I stared at him blankly although I was, too, screaming in my mind. What the hell? I have suffered because of you! I didn't want to break the promise but you made me to! All I want is to have some friends I can count on since you have failed me so many times! I felt the guilt eating me. No, you haven't failed me... I love you, nothing else matters, right? I was so sicked of lying to myself. I knew it wasn't enough. It would be enough if Ivan loved me like I loved him, that he'd throw everything away for me like I would- Like I had.
Ivan finally shut up and gave me a letter. "Give this to Mr. Kekkonen," he said. Then he looked at me coldly. "We will see again, betrayer." I winced, even though the insult was weak, I could hear the anger and upset of his voice. I looked at the note I received, the note of "Agreement of Friendship, Cooperation, and Mutual Assistance". I shivered and decided to call to Urho. He'd save me, like always.
Urho took the news calmly and said that he would be back in few days. He was on vacation in Hawaii and strangely declared to spend the vacation there without disturbance. Everyone else but me was tensing and claiming Urho to be irresponsible but I sighed in relief. Urho was peculiar man but he also was bright. I knew he'd think up something.
A few days later we visited Ivan and his boss. Hrustsov greeted us and glared at us like we were a hidden bomb in their car or something. "So, I assume you're here to accept our offer?" I looked nervously at Urho who smiled and took something out of his back. It was a bottle- two bottles?
"Let's talk about this with a good drink while in sauna?" he asked although he knew the answer. I looked at the liquid he was holding- vodka- before watching how the Russians' eyes sparkled. "Da, da, you must have great ideas too," Hrustsov decided. I used the moment to talk with Ivan, to sort things out.
Cold war felt endless to me but I wasn't sorry for it. Ivan and I were getting along and there wasn't anything great going on. We just enjoyed each other's company and talk about politics.
XXX
In 1981 the worst news I had received a long time arrived. Urho had retired from being a president and been replaced by Koivisto. Hearing this, I had to see Urho. People had talked behind his back that he has gotten old and his health wasn't as it used to be. "Urho!" I shouted when entering his house. The former president was sleeping.
I sighed as I got closer to Urho. It was true, he was old, the wrinkles he had... Well, he was still alive and kicking, wasn't he?
A few years later, 31th August in 1986 was the day when I cried like madman. I couldn't control my sobs as I looked at Urho who had passed away just moments before.
My Dad was dead.
I couldn't help but feel numb as president Koivisto asked me: "Are you sure you want me to decrease the power of president?" I nodded. There was no way I'd give anyone else that much of power- a way to my heart. Urho was the only one, I didn't want to replace him.
In 1991 Soviet Union perished and I got my one true Ivan back but I couldn't be happy about it. Ivan started avoiding me, making friends with other nations. I barely ever see him, unlike in the past when we met at least three times a week.
I hear a woman's eyes on me so I open my eyes which I didn't know were shut. "We will fund Greece, Finland," a woman, Urpilainen (she was the minister of finance, I think) said. I want to complain but I can't. Nowadays politicians don't want my or my citizens' opinions. "If only Dad was alive... Everything would be fine..." I mumble quietly, without anyone hearing.
I shut my eyes again and will the threatening feeling away. Of course I am feeling it, the era of destruction coming. The politicians are killing me slowly. I just hoped that it would be quicker: I'm coming for you soon, Dad. Just wait for me.
XXX
2293 words :D and there's around 4000 more with ANs.
ANs to explain some things:
Continuation war (1942-44): Finland allied with Germany (though it was preferred to call them brother-in-arms in Finland... They didn't, for example, join the operation Barbarossa) to get some protection/revenge since CCCP was a neighbour and all. Finland lost the war but it remained its' independence (which was kind of like a victory but still loss). After the war Finland's next president, Paasikivi, started to improve Finland and Russia's relationship (it was mostly because they were scared of Russia invading Finland). After a while they found that there's some benefits with being friends with the enormous nation since Finland's industry, such as clothing and steel industry, was getting more profit.
Finland's freedom: In 1809 Finland became part of Russia. Russia's tzar decided to give Finland autonomy since there were so much going on in middle Europe (they didn't want Finns to rebel). In addition, Russia's laws weren't as developed as Sweden's and the laws served Russia's purpose well since there was a part that the ruler had unlimited power over his subordinates.
"He gave me everything: my identity, my language and my land"= Finnish identity wasn't too strong while being with Sweden but it was born at the end of 19th century. When Finland was part of Sweden Finnish language was vulgar and the nobles used Swedish. There was some arguing about the official language at the end of 1800 but it was solved by allowing Finnish to be in same level with Swedish (it took long for rich people to accept it, though). In the 1920s there was final solution that Finland's official language were Finnish and Swedish and that discriminating over the language was illegal. And what Finland said about the land... Finland remained more of an own country than part of Russia; there were even tolls in Russian border and Finland even got his own currency, Finnish mark.
"Sweden was willing to give me some of his people as well but... I yearned for more but I didn't know it before Russia"= Sweden was extremely strict when it came toward Finland. Taxation was overbearing and Sweden even made Finnish men to go to war (the was huge number of them, which affected on economy aka farming). At the beginning of being part of Sweden, Finland was split to provinces where Swedish nobles could control the land and people. Surely Swedish brought the Christianity and laws too but it would have been weird to name all that. By the way, Finns sometimes rebelled over their Swedish ruler because of famine or taxes but while being part of Russia, the Finns rarely ever criticized the tzar. The Finns were way too overwhelmed for the autonomy.
the Russification of Finland= In Finnish there's a commonly used term, sortokausi (=the era of tyranny), which is more emotional and subjective. It's basically divided in two parts and the first one started in 1899 and the other ended in independence, 1917. The tzar decided to take care of not letting Finland rebel or to get closer to strengthening Germany. Ironically, it had the opposite effect. Some of the Finnish people were furious when their privileges were taken away and did some things such as going on strike and writing an petition to the tzar. The Russifications leaded to will to have an independence.
"-a male who had been fighting with me till 1809-"= Russia and Sweden were both empires which ended up in many fights. Usually the war was on Finnish territory (there was some wars in Baltic too). The wars were little and Sweden won almost every one of them and got more religions which are currently considered as Finland's. Still, it was hard and expensive to protect Finland which weakened Sweden, little by little. In the end, Sweden stopped almost completely protecting Finland which caused Sweden to lose Finland.
The war over Finland (1808-09): It started from Napoleon. At first Sweden and Russia, along with some other nations, allied against France. Russia lost the war and had to ally with France. France wanted Russia to take care of Sweden who was funding the UK and so Russia commanded Sweden to stop their doings. When Sweden declined, Russia tried to pressure it with attacking on Finland, which was, for the tzar's amazement, very easy. In the end, the most important fortress in Finland, Suomenlinna/Viapori, made a gentlemanly deal with Russians to surrender if Sweden won't help them until at the end of March. Russians agreed and as Finnish messengers went to deliver the message, the Russians made them circle around just to be late in Sweden. In the end, the fortress surrender and the war was basically over.
"The Russian nation had inner conflicts now and then but I tried to ignore them"= Don't make me explain it. Russian civil war, anyone? Commies?
Hakkapeliitta= The Finns who were in war. Usually used when spoken from the Thirty Years' War. They were described as fearless. The name comes for their shout: Hakkaa päälle (= Get them/Let's go... Sorry, this is hard to translate since there's no straight meaning for the words). They were made to go to war.
Urho Kaleva Kekkonen, UKK= Yes, I adore him. I think he's the best president Finland had or will ever have. People have really divided opinions of him but mostly you either love or hate him. He also used to hate Russia till he realized that Finland should be on better terms with it. End of story. Oh yeah, some people (including me) think he was super-patriotic guy and that's why he literally loves Finland (as a son) : )
"...Is it because of me? I know that my policy have made you befriend with him again but love-"= Kekkonen continued Paaskivi's politics of getting better relationship with Soviet Union. This is nowadays called Paasikiven-Kekkosen linja (Paasikivi–Kekkonen Line).
Note Crisis: In 1961, Russia sent a note of "Agreement of Friendship, Cooperation, and Mutual Assistance" which basically meant Russia taking the possession of Finland. It had several reasons but it started mainly from the Berlin crisis. Finland was also getting better relationships with other (Western) countries and organizations. It is also rumoured that Kekkonen would have "ordered" the note but there's no proof (there was going to be president elections... guess who won). Most of historians, however, say that Kekkonen knew about the crisis beforehand. Oh, and he really was on vacation, spending the first days in the US statevisiting. (And he climbed on the palm tree but just leave the matter aside, ok?)
"He'd save me, like always- I knew he'd think up something."= I made Finland think so because in reality, the whole nation relied on Kekkonen who was well-liked among Russians.
"Let's talk about this with a good drink while in sauna?"= THIS IS THE SECRET OF KEKKONEN'S SUCCESS. IT'S THE TRUTH. He was good at drinking and spend some of his free time drinking with Russians. The Russians seemed to admire his ability to hold the liquor.
"Are you sure you want me to decrease the power of president?"= After Kekkonen, Koivisto wanted to decrease the president's power and gave more power to prime minister (who has nowadays almost as much power as the president had). Nowadays most of the Finns wants to increase is, though. I have heard several of times someone sighing and saying: "I wish we had Kekkonen today."
"Ivan started avoiding me, making friends with other nations. I barely ever see him, unlike in the past when we met at least three times a week."= Russia and Finland are nowadays on regular terms, nothing special. Russia has also been touch with other nations like the US lately.
I want to complain but I can't. Nowadays politicians don't want my or my citizens' opinions. "If only Dad was alive... Everything would be fine..." I mumble quietly, without anyone hearing.= Okay. That was complete rage from me but it doesn't mean it's a lie! : P In old days politicians asked people what did they think but nowadays politics are just a twisted game where you win if you can trick the voters. Oh, yes, I'm red from anger right now.
Long AN with explanations are long... Don't even bother to ask why I wrote this in English. I prefer English over Finnish since I'm better in it (and I'm 100% Finnish!).
This fic was actually done in February... then I did some changes and I was almost done in March but I unsatisfied and left it be for months... Now I don't have the strengt to improve this any longer so let's just say it's finished, da? ^J^ (Oh, and btw, I suggest you not to listen Vocaloid's Rugrat's theory while ur reading. It's creepy enough to just enough it while writing ANs.)