Lydia's chest felt tight with strain. She couldn't breathe. She was swimming, no drowning. She was drowning in a pool of blood. She stretched her arms out reaching for something or someone. Anyone. She tried to cry out but her mouth only filled with blood and she felt as though she was choking. She clutched at her throat, eyes streaming. Finally Lydia's hand collided with something solid. It was an arm. She looked up to see Stiles staring down at her. She grabbed his hand, but he smirked and shook her off. She tumbled deeper and deeper into the darkness. Stiles' face then turned into Allison's.
"Why didn't you save me Lydia? You were my friend. You let me die, Lydia."
"NOOOO!" Lydia screamed aloud, waking herself from the nightmare. She was breathing heavily and sweating. She wiped at the hot tears rolling down her cheeks and then grabbed her pillow from behind her and buried her face in it sobbing, hard. "Allison, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love you, I'm sorry."
Lydia couldn't fall back asleep, so instead she got up and showered, washing away her sleepless night. She then took her time getting dressed and cleaning up her room. She made her bed and carefully placed her pillows in a special order. Lydia had always been a person soothed by normality and routine.
The sun had not yet risen, so Lydia sat in her chair by the window and watched the sky turn from a midnight blue to a dusty greyish purple and then to a light clear blue. It was beautiful and she felt as though she rarely had the opportunity experience raw beauty these days. Life had become so difficult in the past year. Everything had changed, but she never thought that she would have to face this world without her best friend. She had never felt more alone since Allison's death. Scott was preoccupied trying to learn the ropes of being a leader and when he wasn't busy with that, he was busy trying to work out his relationship with Kira. Then there was Stiles. She had taken his presence for granted and become so used to having him around that his absence left her feeling rather abandoned. He had finally scored a girl and she was all he seemed to care about of late. Lydia would not stoop to complain about petty nuisances though. She wasn't that kind of person anymore.
Instead she spent most of her time reading, expanding her already expansive knowledge of many subjects. Her mother tried to comfort her, but it was difficult as she only knew half the story and Lydia couldn't explain the rest. She had lost three important people in less than a year. First, she lost Jackson to London. Then she lost both Aiden and Allison in less than 48 hours. Some mornings Lydia didn't know why she bothered getting out of bed or why she bothered to keep going. When she felt especially sad she heard Stiles' words from a few months ago ringing in her head: "You see, Death doesn't happen to you Lydia. It happens to everyone around you, okay? To all the people left standing at your funeral trying to figure out how they're going to live the rest of their lives without you in it."
"No kidding." She would often say aloud to herself. Lydia didn't want to throw a "pity party." She didn't want sympathy or people coddling her. She just wanted didn't want to feel alone anymore and yet whenever she was around people all she wanted was to be by herself. The only person Lydia wanted to talk to about losing Allison was Allison.
One summer evening, Scott called Lydia to ask if she wanted to hang out with him and Stiles.
"We're just going to relax and watch some movies and stuff, order a pizza…It'll be fun! You should come over, Lydia." Scott said.
"Will Malia and Kira be there?" Lydia asked, trying very hard to sound as though she wasn't bothered.
"Uh…well, yeah! They'll both be here."
Lydia pondered her options. She could go over to Scott's and be a fifth wheel or she could make better use of her time doing research on Banshees and try to figure out what the hell her dreams meant if they meant anything at all.
"Um…no thanks, actually I have a lot of stuff to do…"
"Lydia, you haven't been out in weeks. Having some normalcy would be really good for you."
She could hear Malia in the background saying, "She doesn't want to come over because I'm here. It's fine. It's normal to feel competitive about potential mates."
"Oh my gosh. Seriously? You guys really need to start teaching her how to be better with people. And that is NOT why I can't come over. I just have a lot to do, Scott. I'll talk to you later."
In reality, Lydia didn't have much to do at all. She did the same thing she had been doing for the past few weeks. She sat amongst her pillows and pulled out her laptop to research information on banshees. There was nothing that she hadn't already read though, so she changed into her pajamas and settled down in her bed, hugging a pillow to her chest. Lydia rolled onto her side and tried to get comfortable, but thoughts of her nightmare kept creeping into her head forcing her to remain awake.
At some point Lydia must have fallen asleep because suddenly, an odd noise startled her awake. She jumped and her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. She got up slowly cautiously peering out of her window. The sight of Scott McCall sitting on her window ledge nearly made her pass out with relief.
"Scott! You scared me! What the hell are you doing here?" Lydia said, opening her window.
"I came to check on you! Kira had to go home early and Stiles and Malia…well…yeah. They went home too and I was kind of worried about you."
"Scott, I'm fine. You didn't need to make a trip over here. I don't know why you're so worried.
"Lydia, I feel like we barely see you anymore and…I know that a lot of that is because of…because of Allison. I miss her too. You can't shut yourself away though, Lydia. She wouldn't want us to do that."
Lydia rolled her eyes and sat down on her bed. "Scott. I'm fine. I'm not avoiding anyone or 'shutting myself away'." Her pulse jumped, giving her away. Scott raised his eyebrows at her. He then sat down on the bed next to her and she scooted over to make room for him.
"Lydia, you're probably the only person besides Mr. Argent who understands how much Allison's death hurts. I miss her every single day. It's like now that she's gone I've never needed her more. I never thought she would be gone. I always thought Allison and I would find our way back to each other again…That's never going to happen now. It's really hard to wake up every day knowing that and then trying to move on. It affects everything I do. I don't know exactly where to go with Kira. And I don't know how to be Scott Mccall without Allison Argent yet… I know you miss her too. She was your best friend, Lydia."
Suddenly everything Lydia had been holding back game gushing out. It was like word vomit and she couldn't stop it. She didn't want to. She had a right to her own feelings. She was tired of pretending to be okay all the time. "Scott, Allison was the only person who looked at me and actually saw me. She was an exceptional women. She taught me that it's okay to be smart and pretty at the same time. She brought me courage and strength. She brought me laughter and joy. She was wonder woman. Allison was invincible and yet she still died. She's dead and it's my fault, Scott. I tried to warn her, to save her. I didn't though. She's dead."
Before Lydia could stop herself she was crying into her hands, her breaths coming in great gulps. "I felt her die, Scott. I felt her leave us when I screamed." She looked up at Scott and saw tears in his eyes too. "I'm glad you were there to hold her. I didn't want her to die alone. I didn't want her to die at all.
"Lydia Martin," Scott said, his voice full of warmth and kindness, "it is not your fault that Allison is dead. I promise you. Allison would never blame you. She loved you and knew that you would have done anything to protect her. We try to keep each other safe, but we can't always succeed. Safety is a luxury we don't seem to have anymore."
"Scott…I keep having this dream about her. I see her and I'm covered in her blood and she's saying that it's all my fault and sometimes I think that it's actually her. I feel like I'm losing it. I hate it. I hate this feeling."
"Lydia, listen to me. They're just dreams, that's all. You're okay. You did everything you could. We all did. Please, don't blame yourself."
Scott put his arms around Lydia and she snuggled into his side. Scott leaned back against the headboard of her bed and rested his cheek on the top of her head. "We're a mess." Lydia said, laughing. It felt good to laugh.
"Yeah, but we'll be okay. We're a pack. A family. We'll get through this." Scott reassured her.
It felt nice to be so close to someone. She felt safe with Scott. She could hear his heart beating through his chest and forced herself to focus on the sound until she had calmed down.
Scott stayed with Lydia until she drifted to sleep. Then he climbed quietly out her window and headed for home. She slept peacefully for the first time in weeks. The tightness in her chest had lessened and she finally felt as though things wouldn't be this hard forever. Lydia was strong. She was tough. She could get through this.