Are You Dead?

"My son is famous!" James was clearly excited. "How amazing is that?"

Quite amazing, actually. Particularly as James didn't have a son.

Sirius and Remus shared a look that plainly said, what the hell has he been smoking and why weren't we invited? "You don't have a son, mate," Sirius pointed out. Of course he didn't – he was seventeen years old and an idiot. The thought of James and a baby was terrifying.

Plus, simple biology dictated that he'd need a woman and that was a no brainer. The amount of slaps and insults James had received from Lily Evans was testament to the hopelessness of his romantic prospects. It also proved she was a super bitch, and with a mouth like hers, probably not mother material – but that was just Sirius's opinion. And James didn't seem to really care about Sirius' opinion right now.

"I don't have a son yet, Padfoot. But I will have! With Lily Evans no less!"

"You haven't finally cracked Divination, have you?" Remus asked wearily from his bed as he thumbed through the latest issue of Hipster Wizard.

Sirius despaired at his friends sometimes.

"No, no, no, no." James shook his head and laughed as if to say 'you poor ignorant fools'. "I've found these."

And he held up a stack of eight thin, rectangular boxes not much bigger than his hand.

They all looked at him with an uncharacteristic blankness on their faces. Well, except Peter. That was his default expression.

"What are they, James?" Peter asked, his voice squeaky.

"Shut it, Mousey," Sirius barked.

"You said you'd find me another nickname! A cooler one!" Peter whined.

"Yeah, yeah." Sirius waved a hand. "So what the hell are they, Prongs?"

"They're, um, DVDs," said James, not sounding entirely certain himself. "Apparently."

More blank stares.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Well, that explains it all. Thanks, Prongs."

Remus took one of the boxes from James and turned it over in his hands, eyebrows raised as he examined the mini-Prongs on the cover. "What exactly is your son famous for?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Sirius, suddenly animated, "what was it? Playing Quidditch for England? Banging a member of the Weird Sisters?"

"Errr... not quite. It's a bit awkward, actually."

Remus was frowning now as he read the blurb on the back of the box. "Yes, I can imagine. Why does this mention 'orphan, Harry Potter?'"

"What?" Sirius yelped. "Harry's a shit name. What were you thinking, Prongs?"

James pulled a face. "I know," he agreed. "I guess I let Lily name him?"

"Excuse me?" Remus demanded, trying to restore common sense - always a lost cause. "Orphan Harry Potter! Orphan. James, are you dead?" Peter was practically quivering with fear.

"I only skimmed through them," James admitted. "But seems like it, yeah."

"Bloody hell, mate." Sirius looked half-horrified, half-impressed.

"Thing is... so are you. You cop it in number five." He flung one of the boxes at Sirius. "And, um, you too, Moony from what I gathered in the last one. Either that or you were taking a nap in the Great Hall."

"What about me?" Peter whispered, his voice trembling.

James shrugged. "No idea. It's odd, Pete, but you're not really in them. I think we had a fight or something - it's mentioned in the third one, but so quickly that I didn't really understand it."

"A fight?" Peter repeated, wide-eyed. "Oh, I bet you won, James. You're so much better than me."

"Damn straight." James nodded, mussing his hair. "Now, back to my delightful, orphaned son with the unfortunate name..."

"Harry really is shit. Why didn't you put your foot down, Prongs? Control your bloody woman! You should have called him...Storm. Storm Potter. Imagine that." Sirius looked wistful.

"Storm Potter! That's genius, Padfoot. It's like I'm so famous they named a kick-arse storm after me. And that kick-arse storm just happens to be my son."

"Wow, James. That's so beautiful."

"Yeah, I know Peter. Just...stop dribbling, alright? Now where was I?"

"What's your son famous for?" Remus reminded him, peering at his own reflection in one of the DVDs.

James beamed, like a proud father. Which was what he had become in the past five minutes. "Well, he is famous for defeating You-Know-Who."

"What?" Sirius blustered again. "Storm defeats him? What about us? We were going to do it, Prongs! We had a plan and everything!"

"If you're referring to that one you drew in crayon in which you both dress up as women and get into You-Know-Who's inner circle using your 'feminine charms', then I think I don't think you'll stand much of a chance," Remus said, pressing the DVD back into its case with a click.

"Why not? It works for my cousin Bellatrix," Sirius grumbled before slumping back onto his bed, dejected.

"Right!" James said excitedly. "Now, there's a scene coming up in..." He flicked through all the DVDs until he found the right one. "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, that I want us all to watch together! It has all of us in it and I wanted to watch it for the first time with you lot. How do you reckon we're all going to look? I didn't look too bad in some of the others...a bit middle-aged man's catalogue but I've still got a charm! Let's see what we look like in this one."

"Hang on...Deathly Hallows? Don't tell me he gets the bloody Deathly Hallows as well? Bloody hell, Prongs you had such a smart-arse for kid. That's all Lily's fault, that is."

"I think he gets the Deathly Hallows, yeah. Well he's already stolen my cloak from my cold, stiff dead hands so he may as well go for the whole set I suppose."

"What a cheek!" Sirius burst out.

"He ends up with the Marauder's Map too," James told him.

"WHAT?" Sirius exploded for the third time that evening. "How is that possible? I wanted to be buried with that Map."

"You don't get a grave at all," James continued. "You get blasted through the Veil of Death and don't come out the other side."

There was a silence. "Oh."

"Anyway! Anyone up for Deathly Hallows Part 2?"

"Electrical equipment doesn't work at Hogwarts," Remus pointed out. "Magic interferes with it and - "

"Fair point, Moony," James agreed. "But then this DVD was released in 2011, sooo... artistic license, yeah?"

Remus just nodded. He didn't really have an answer to that. Who could?

So James, ignoring all the rules of electricity versus magic, pushed the DVD into the player and marvelled at the television screen as it burst to life.

"Where the hell did you get this stuff, Prongs?"

"Muggle Studies classroom."

"What about the DVD player? That's not even been invented yet."

"What did I just say, Moony? Artistic license, yeah? Parodies are parodies for a reason."

"What?"

"Nothing," James said quickly as he pressed several buttons on the remote and found scene selection. "It's quite far into the film. Right, so: Harry has just found the Resurrection Stone which was inside a Snitch that he had to snog and he's about to bring us all back from the dead for, like, a second so we can all big him up and look awesome as he wanders around crying because You-Know-Who is going to kill him, or something."

"Yawn!" Sirius sighed, stretching. "Just play the bloody film, Prongs. I want to see how dashing I look. I'm thinking biker jackets, I'm thinking some designer stubble, I'm thinking twenty year olds hanging off my arm..."

"I've seen the ones before this, Padfoot and you may be disappointed." James grinned as the scene began to play. "Here we go! He's snogging the Snitch now...get in there, my son! And here comes the stone! He's turning it aaaaand... here were are and don't we look..."

"BLOODY AWFUL!" Sirius fell forward off the bed and crawled up to the screen for a closer look. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME? I LOOK LIKE I'VE BEEN ROTTING IN AZKABAN!"

"Actually, that does sounds quite familiar, Padfoot," James said thoughtfully. "But, like I said, that storyline wasn't explained very well. Couldn't really catch what was going on; something about the Shrieking Shack, Azkaban and Snape on a bed. Didn't really know what the hell was going on...that scene was mostly a girl being abused by the Whomping Willow."

"Hmph!" Sirius ran a hand through his sleek, black hair. "Azkaban or not, it still doesn't explain the awful brown hair - brown?- and that very questionable moustache!"

"Guys, guys!" Remus held up his hands. "Come on now. If this is real - which I highly doubt - then there are more important issues than how we all look. Poor Harry is about to face certain death and...oh Christ! Why am I wearing that cardigan?"

"Remus, your son..." Harry was saying.

"Harry just said you had a son, Moony!" Sirius shouted through a mouthful of popcorn.

"What? Seriously?" James frowned. "There's been no mention of that before. In fact, I didn't even know you were tapping anyone, Moony. Though, you were hanging around with Tonks a lot...at least I think that's who it was. She wasn't really introduced to us."

"TONKS? Mysecond cousin Tonks? Oh God! Urgh, Moony! She's, like, two now. Eww! You're gross!"

"Well...I..." Remus spluttered. "I'm...er, sorry about that Sirius. I'll try not to...tap that."

James burst into laughter, pointing at the screen. "Oh, Padfoot, look at you, mate! You look so old! Where's your sense of style gone? Oh man, you should so rethink that look. So Hugh Hefner. Where am I? My good looks, my suave, reassuring smile..."

"AHAHAHA!" Sirius nearly choked on his popcorn. "Is that you, Prongs? The one with the Texan Rancher sideburns? Oh, this is priceless!"

James had gone very pale and silent, while Sirius was nearly crying with laughter. "I look old, James?" he crowed. "Me? You're the epitome of middle aged! You're Old James. Hahaha! Old James!"

"Well - well - I still married Lily, didn't I?" James blustered, trying to save face. Even Remus looked embarrassed by his enormous sideburns.

"Oh yeah, Prongs," Sirius scoffed. "You're dead and your wife's dead and your smart arse kid is about to go the same way. So successful."

James thwacked Sirius with a cushion. "You're dead too, arsehole!"

"Guys!" Remus dragged them apart as Sirius launched himself at James and popcorn flew everywhere. "Calm down, we're all dead." He glanced over at Peter, whose face was screwed up in confusion. "Apart from you, Pete, no one quite knows what's happened to you..."

"Oh, and Moony?" James said. "Your wife - at least, I think you were married - she's dead too!"

Remus wasn't sure how to react that. "Oh... dear?" he said and then added as an afterthought, "Who's my wife again?"

"Uh, Tonks, apparently!" James shrugged.

"That's out of order, Moony." Sirius said, looking genuinely irritated. "That's bloody outrageous."

"Yes, yes, alright." James waved his arm, dismissing Sirius' concerns. "Enough of you lot. Check this out!" James prodded a button and the film re-wound. He paused it then and grinned. "Who wants to see Lily Evans being my wife?"

There was an awkward silence and Remus said carefully, "James, this isn't a sex tape, is it?"

"What? No! If me and Evans had one of those, I would've been showing that off, trust me."

"Damn straight." Sirius high fived him.

"No, this is Lily being my lovely little wife. Who wants to see?"

"Pfff...yeah alright. Not much else to do seen as I'm not on screen anymore."

"Let's see her then."

"Yes, please James!"

So grinning smugly, as if it was his actual wedding day, James hit 'play.' Harry - or mini-Prongs or possibly Storm Potter - appeared on screen again, stretching out a hand to his dead mother.

James sniffed. "Isn't it so touching, so beautiful - ?"

Sirius snorted, ruining James' big moment of sentiment. "Sweet Merlin, Evans has aged dreadfully, hasn't she?"

"No!" said James, defensively. "No. Well. She's not grey, anyway. Not as grey as Moony.."

"I'm a werewolf - doesn't count."

"And the bags under her eyes," Sirius went on, gulping down more popcorn, "and that's a terrible jumper she's wearing."

James sent him a death glare. "That is my wife, Padfoot, if you don't mind."

"Well not really, James," Remus interjected gently. "Lily Evans is actually downstairs, probably doing her Charms homework, probably wishing you were dead - you know, the usual."

James made a small, pathetic squeak that sounded a bit like, "Still my wife." Then he sat up straighter, coming to his senses at last. "Although... maybe you're right, Padfoot. That isan awful jumper. What was she thinking?"

"Exactly, mate!" Sirius clapped him on the back.

"Yeah!" James said, getting enthused. "She could do so much better! I'm thinking push-up bra, glitzy top - sequins, maybe? Leather trousers. I mean, she's still got the figure for it. She hasn't gained much weight, Padfoot. You can't deny that."

"True," Remus said, slightly alarmed by their excitement. "But she has been dead, James. She'd have a job gaining weight."

"Oi!" said Sirius. "Don't take Evans' only achievement from her, Moony. It's all she's got going for her."

"Potter, not Evans," James put in proudly.

Remus shook his head at both of them. This was madness, even for the Marauders.

"This is madness," he said. "I think we should put the DVD player away and never talk about it again. Then James can go back to perving over an appropriately aged Lily Evans and Sirius can go back to leather jackets and a woman on each arm." He shuddered. "And I don't have to have a wife any more. And Pete - "

They all turned to Peter, unsure of what to say next.

"Guys, what about Rat-Attack? For my nickname?"

Sirius gave him a withering look.

"No. Just..no."

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