Summary: "Something, somewhere along the line has been lost between them and she doesn't know how to get it back." The break-up Ryan/Marissa never got in season 3. Set in 3x14.
A/N: Another fic! But this is really short, just an idea that popped into my head and I had to get it down. There's not going to be a happy ending to this fic, lol, it really is just them breaking up. I was really disappointed with the break-up on the show, I think they deserved more than just a phone call. Even though I love the "I want you" scene, it's debatable how much resolution that would have provided and also, I think what happened on the show was they left the break-up for too long. By the time they came round to it, the break-up had lost its impact when it should have been one of their most emotionally charged moments. As always, reviews are always appreciated :)
The seasons have changed and so have we
And there was little we could say
And even less that we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner, under me and you
The Ice Is Getting Thinner – Death Cab For Cutie
They haven't been talking very much in these last few days. Things between them have been tense to say the least and tonight, she had thought they could finally begin to change that. However, their problems seem to have plummeted ever further. Ryan's not a man of many words, she knows that but the silent treatment he's giving her today is a new stretch even for him.
She's raking her mind trying to work out why he's being like this. She had made her choice just like he had wanted her to. She had chosen him but he was acting like things were no different, like her choice didn't more.
"Seth was really into that movie." He says nonchalantly. He's been like that all night, just making meaningless small talk.
"Yeah, I know and he ate all of our dumplings." She replies, trying to maintain a conversation hoping that eventually it would lead to a breakthrough.
He goes over to sit on the opposite end of the bed, setting a clear distance between them. His eyes remain downcast as he fiddles with the plastic bag of food – his attention focused at anything but her. She thinks how easy it would be to just say sorry and then they could kiss and make up. That would be end of this stupid, silent fight that's going on between them. She wishes it was that easy but looking over at Ryan who's sitting silently almost ignorant of her presence, she knows they're in deep, too deep. Maybe that had always been the case. Maybe when they had told each other at the start of the year that they would stick together, they had just been naive and hopeful without reason. They've done such a good job of denial, but now as she keeps looking at him, the reality of their relationship is glaring straight at her. Something, somewhere along the line has been lost between them and she doesn't know how to get it back.
"It's not working anymore, is it?" Her voice is a whisper, barely audible but he hears her. He knows what she means but feigns ignorance anyway. He can't quite believe what she's saying; he doesn't want to believe it.
"What do you mean?"
"Us. Things between us, they aren't working, are they?" He wonders why she keeps asking him because she seems pretty confident about it anyway. "It's over, isn't it?" He can sense his temper rising and he doesn't know why. Hadn't he considered breaking up himself? Except it had never felt like a real option. After everything, after they had just gotten through Johnny, she wants to break up with him - the thought is driving him insane.
"It's him; you want to be with him, don't you? You love him." Immediately as the thought enters his mind, the words are flying out filled with spite. He could have handled her choosing Johnny but to do this, to choose him and then change her mind, this he can't bear. When her eyes grow wide open with shock at the accusation though, he knows he's wrong.
"No, this isn't about Johnny. I know, I haven't done a great job of showing that I see him as just a friend but that's all he is, nothing more." He is looking straight at her now, his blues irises pointed at hers. She could have stopped here, perhaps it would have made the break up easier but seeing the hurt in his eyes, she knows she can't stop now. He deserves to know how she felt, how she will probably always feel about him. She needs him to know, so maybe one day when he's looking back at his high school years, she's not just the crazy bitch who dragged him down.
"You know, I was never very good at making choices. When I was little, my dad used to take Kaitlin and I to Baskin Robbins and I could never decide which flavour I wanted. I had to try them all and then when I finally picked one, I changed my mind. I could never trust my instincts." She could tell by the look he's giving her that he doesn't understand what the point of this story is but he doesn't interrupt her. "Well, three years ago I met a boy at the end of my driveway and for what was probably the first time in my life, I knew what I wanted: I wanted to know the Cohen's mysterious cousin from Boston." As they both relive the memories of their first meeting, hint of tears become evident. They're both looking into each other's eyes wondering where it all went wrong. They wish they could go back to that moment, to the beginning and start all over again. Marissa brushes away some stray tears and continues, "I've not been sure about a lot of things in my life but I've always been sure about loving you; through Oliver and Theresa, yard guys and lesbian flings, Trey and Johnny – it's always been you."
"You can't say those things and then break up with me." The tears are rolling down her face and they're threatening to break through his eyes too. He's closed the distance between them as he holds her face in his hands, desperate not to lose her. He can't lose her. He won't lose her.
"I haven't loved you in the way you deserve." she says her voice shaky and despondent.
"That's not true. If anything, it's me. I'm the one who hasn't loved you in the right way." She shakes her head as he continues to plead with her. "How do you even love someone correctly? We can still make it work." he tells her softly.
"Maybe we can but I don't think we can, right now. So much has happened, so much has gone unsaid for so long, we wouldn't even know where to begin if we tried resolving our problems. We need this Ryan. We do."
"This is it?" He knows the answer, deep down he even knows this is the right choice but he asks anyway. She nods in response and moves to kiss him lightly on the cheek.
"I'll see you at school."
She walks out of the pool house before she can change her mind. She's finally learning to make her choices; she just wishes she could have made them before so the ones she's had to make now weren't so painful.