Monster
Prologue
"Run. Just keep running," was all I could think. I had to put as much space between us as I could. My legs were burning, and it got harder and harder to think. I just had to run. I didn't know where I was going to go. I wanted to fall, to stop the pain. I told myself, "Run! Keep running!" He was catching up. I could feel him getting closer. I wanted to stop. Stop running and let him hold me again. But I couldn't. I wouldn't let my emotions overpower. No matter how much I wanted him, I knew I couldn't have him. "He's a monster," I told myself. I didn't even realize how long I had been running until I collapsed, and he caught up to me.
My first day of senior year should have been amazing. Instead, I was still grieving for my boyfriend of three years and one day. He died in a car accident the day after our three-year anniversary a week ago. Everyone knew about the accident, as it was all over the news, but only I knew the truth. It wasn't an accident like everyone thought. It was a perfectly planned murder and only I could bring the driver to justice.
I knew exactly how the day would go when I walked into homeroom. Everyone wanted to comfort me, even people I didn't know. But I didn't want comfort. I wanted Finn. But since I couldn't have him, I felt nothing but lost.
As I was walking to the bus, I ran in to Noah. He and I had been good friends in middle school, but we haven't really seen each other since Finn and I became a couple. I thought to myself, "He probably wants to ask me out again now that Finn's out of the picture." I tried to walk by him, but he fell into step beside me.
"Rachel, I'm so sorry for...your loss." The way he spoke was awkward, like he was uncomfortable speaking about the situation. "If you need a shoulder, I'm here for you."
I was completely surprised. I flat-out avoided him for three years and he was still there for me. Noah offered to drive me home, and since I was ready to kick the next person who expressed pity for me, I took him up on his offer. Maybe there still is life after death.
Exactly a month after the accident, I was working on my Spanish homework when I started crying. I called Noah and asked him to bring me mocha coffee from Starbucks and to come over. He was in my living room in less than 10 minutes. Then, I just cried on his shoulder for about 15 minutes. It was moments like these that made me miss our friendship even more. Through my tears, so many thoughts raced in my mind. Why did it have to be Finn? He was going on a musical scholarship to NYU. He had good grades and was going to become a music teacher. And he had me. He had such a great life. He didn't deserve to have his life end so early. I guess I eventually fell asleep because the next thing I knew, my head was in Noah's lap and he was gently stroking my hair just like Finn used to. I might have imagined it, but when I looked up into his eyes, did I see a flicker of anger? Jealousy? I wondered if he really was the same guy who I used to poke in the sides and tease at lunch. Everything about him was different.
When I saw Noah at school the next day, he courageously asked me out. Again. We dated for a while in 8th grade, but he broke up with me for "personal reasons," which always means another girl. So, I moved on, and found Finn. We were inseparable until death separated us permanently. I wanted to yell at Noah. It had been only a month since the accident. How could he be so inconsiderate? Since we were in the middle of the hallway, I said quietly, through gritted teeth, "No." He seemed to be expecting this answer, which left me completely baffled. Maybe my emotions were running a little bit high, but I kind of hoped he got his feelings hurt.
That night, on the news, another story about Finn's tragic death and how there was still no news on the hit and run driver was broadcast. Followed by a documentary on his life. I couldn't take it. I called my friend Santana and asked her to come over. I didn't want anything specifically; I just didn't want to be alone. Since she lived 3 houses down, she got to my house almost immediately after I called. I told her everything through the tears that wouldn't stop streaming down my face. I explained everything, from our last date, to Noah asking me out. When I got to the part about murder, she appeared shocked but continued to listen. When I finished, she wanted to call the police but I didn't want them involved unless it was absolutely necessary. This was something I had to do alone.
Three months after the accident, Noah asked me out again. This time, I said yes. Everyone thought that I should have waited longer, and somewhere inside me I felt kind of guilty about it, but I was ready to move on. I still missed Finn, but it wasn't like I sobbed hysterically every time I heard his name. Noah proved to be the perfect boyfriend. He helped me bounce back from Finn, never pushed me to go any farther than I wanted to, and never spoke of me possessively. I loved being in his arms. I no longer dreaded going to school. It got so much easier with him.
Inevitably, in April, everything changed. Noah expressed jealousy of my guy friends, especially Sam, since he and Finn had been best friends, saying that I should be loyal to him and only him. He became possessive. Eventually, I couldn't even hang out with my girl friends afterschool. He also said that I should stop grieving for Finn because now I had him. I barely had enough time for homework. It was all Noah all the time, and I started to get frustrated with our relationship. On April 30th, exactly a week before senior prom, I broke up with him. I was visiting Finn like I did every Saturday. I was talking about my relationship with Noah, and my frustration with him. Noah snuck up from behind and starting yelling. He told me to stop talking to my dead ex and to live in the present. I yelled at him " Leave me alone you heartless freak. We are over!" In hindsight, maybe it was a little cold, leaving him without a date, but I was also dateless. That went over like a ton of bricks. First he was really confused. His confusion turned into disappointment, and very quickly, into anger. I rushed away from him as fast as possible, trying all the while not to look desperate. I looked back when I figured I was a safe distance away from him. I wasn't, for he had begun chasing me. I shouldn't have looked back.
"Run. Just keep running," was all I could think. I had to put as much space between us as I could. My legs were burning, and it got harder and harder to think. I just had to run. I didn't know where I was going to go. I wanted to fall, to stop the pain. I told myself, "Run! Keep running!" He was catching up. I could feel him getting closer. I wanted to stop. Stop running and let him hold me again. But I couldn't. I wouldn't let my emotions overpower. No matter how much I wanted him, I knew I couldn't have him. "He's a monster," I told myself. I didn't even realize how long I had been running until I collapsed, and he caught up to me.
I woke up two days later in the hospital. Doctors told me I had suffered serious dehydration and over exertion. The police even came and wanted to ask me questions about Noah that I didn't understand. The doctors sent them away before I learned too much. I was grateful. I would talk, but it would be when I was ready to talk. Not before, and not after. I just wanted to sleep.
Before the police left, I was informed that Noah's body had been found in the lake behind his neighborhood. The exact spot on the bridge above the lake where my relationship with both boys started and ended. It was on that bridge that Noah and I had shared our first kiss in the eighth grade. That same place was the last time I would ever see Finn. The same lake Noah and I had nicknamed, "Our Lake." The autopsy declared the cause of death suicide by drowning. I didn't cry. I showed no emotion at all. I felt no emotion at all. I was just numb. I knew the hard truth that no one else did. When I left the hospital, there was some more news: still no leads on Finn's case. Shocker. It took all my strength not to tell everything I knew. I felt like shaking all of the officers and screaming, "Just look at the clues again! The evidence is right there!" But I didn't. I didn't say anything. Justice had been done. There was no need to create more confusion and grief. Just let the dead bury the dead, and you can't bring back the dead. Everyone knows that.