A/N: Well ever since the Divergent movie just released and there has been an increase in the demand for Fourtris fanfics, so I thought I'd pitch in. This is Four's fear landscape, but from his POV.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, if I could… I'd own Tobias
Shades of Grey
I look down at the black box and syringe that I have in my hands, dreading my next trip into my fear landscape. It's always been the same and it's silly of me to think it would be any different now. Four fears then, four fears now.
I try to get over them but I don't know how, I've tried but it's virtually impossible. Like they said, "No one can be fearless" and I can tell you first hand that that is true.
I'm about to get started but a voice in the back of my head tells me to wait, to wait for her to come. And I know she will, at least I'm hoping she will.
I sense someone behind me, without even looking I know it's her. She's the only one reckless enough to follow me. But I act casual, like I didn't care. But I do no matter how much I try to deny it.
"Since you're here" I say, still not turning, "you might as well go in with me"
There is a silence and I'm afraid she's going to refuse. Of course she doesn't want to go inside your landscape I mentally tell myself bracing myself for refusal. I'm not usually like this. I don't worry about what anyone thinks, but with her I do. And I hate that I do.
"Into your fear landscape?" she sounds unsure, like it's a breach of my privacy… which it is… but I want her here.
"Yes"
Her footsteps get closer and I can see her silhouette out of the corner of my eye, "I can do that?" she asks sceptically.
"The serum connects you to the program but the program determines whose landscape you go through, and right now it's set to put us through mine" I act as aloof as I can throughout this but the word just slips out and I internally wince at my casual use of the word us. She hasn't even agreed to come with me yet. I want her to though.
"You would let me see that?" she asks me a slight edge of excitement creeping into her voice.
"Why else do you think I'm going in" I say softly. I wanted her here from the very beginning, "there are some things I want to show you"
I finally turn around and hold up the syringe, she tilts her head to expose her pale neck, having done it thousand times before I insert the needle into her skin. I avert my eyes the moment the needle goes in not wanting to stare at the exposed skin longer than necessary. She flinches slightly.
I then open the black box next to me and offer her a syringe. She takes it cautiously and it's obvious she's never done something like this before. But I trust her enough to do it properly.
I tilt my neck and use my finger to locate the spot where the needle should go in. Her finger shake slightly, I keep my eyes on her as she presses the needle into my skin, her hands are cool but comforting. Having done this countless time, the sharp pinch hardly bothers me anymore. It's familiar but not in the comforting and homely way.
Pulling the syringe out, she sets it down and turns to me as I put both syringes back in the box.
I offer her my hand and she slides her fingers through mine. Her hands are small and slender and fit right into mine. I've been told on countless occasion how un-Dauntless my hands are. My fingers are long and thing, not strong and calloused like much of the other Dauntless.
She opens her mouth to say something but then thinks the better of it. I use my other hand to push open the door and enter the darkness, Tris coming in behind me.
Her grip on my hand tightens and I want to do something to comfort her but all I say is, "See if you can figure out why they call me Four"
Despite how deep my feelings for her run, I can't help but act aloof and isolated. It's all I've ever known.
I pushed the door from behind me and I hear the small click as it shuts leaving us completely in the dark. The air is cold and my chest tightens, I instinctively pull her closer so her chin is right next to my shoulder.
I vaguely remember her asking me what my real name is and I tell her to try and figure that out as well.
Suddenly the ground changes and is now metal rather than cement. The area is suddenly illuminated and the scene around the two of us begins to unfold. Glass buildings erupt out of nowhere, train tracks appear well below us. The blue sky seems so close like its right above me, I can almost touch it. That's how high up we are. But I don't need to actually see it to know it's there. I've been here more times than I can count and the scene is burned in my mind.
The wind up here is fast and gusty, Tris leans against me to steady herself and I wrap an arm around her shoulder. I try to fool myself in thinking I'm protecting her but I know that I need her to steady me. She is the only thing keeping me upright.
My breath is constricted and my heart beats quicken. No matter how many times I do this, the feeling never changes. The knot in my chest doesn't loosen for even a second.
Heights. It seems like such a mundane fear, something stupid but right now it seemed like the most terrifying thing in the world. I know I have to jump but my feet turn to lead.
"We have to jump off" Tris yells over the sound of the wind. My throat stuck I simply nod.
In the back on my mind I hear her count to three and she starts running dragging me with her, once I start its easy. I run off the edge of the building and plummet downwards. And just as the grounds nears the scene changes.
I get up and press my hand to my chest gasping for air. I take a deep breath, knowing exactly what comes next. She offers me her hands and helps me up. A solid wall hits her from behind and she is thrown against my, her head hitting my shoulder.
Another wall erupts behind me and suddenly the space is so narrow I can hardly breathe. A ceiling slams above up hitting both walls and we have to crouch down to fit. My breath comes out in short small gasps.
"Confinement" she says but it's not a question just an observation. Unable to respond I make a noise between a word and a scream. She tilts her head back at me but I doubt she can see, the walls around us have left no space for light.
"Hey" she says comfortingly, "It's okay. Here"
She takes my arms and puts them around her body giving me a little more place. I place my face next to hers and she wraps her hands around me. Under some other circumstances I would've liked to be in this situation with her but right now I was seriously reconsidering my decision to bring her. This box was only big enough for me. But she is small, lithe and petite and uses minimal space.
"This is the first time I'm happy I'm so small" she laughs in a ditch attempt to distract me, I attempt a feeble smile and judging by the crestfallen look on her face, it didn't work.
"Mhmmm" I say in a strained voice as she tries to calm me down. "We can't break out of here" she says and I resist the urge to snap, "No shit"
She goes on, "It's easier to face the fear head on, right?" I don't have the energy to response and quite frankly I'm not sure I should, "So what you need to do is make the space smaller. Make it worse so it gets better. Right?"
I want to tell her that it's okay and that I've got this. I'm her instructor for god's sake I should be the one telling her what to do but all I can manage is a tight, "Yes" as she attempts to guide me through the next step.
I don't listen to what she says next, but she squeezes my waist and pulls me down with her. The wood plank above her falls down a few notches to take up the air we have cleared. I feel a single bead of sweat slip down the side of my head. We aren't going to fit.
I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I'm going to suffocate here.
Tris curls into a small ball and presses her back against my chest. I have no idea whose hand is whose and whose leg is which. We are great big jumble of limbs. I can barely breathe by now, my voice sounds raspy and hoarse.
"This… this is worse. This is definitely…" I trail off and she says, "Shhh. Arms around me" I obey without a single thought. I slip my arms around her slight waist. My heart beating so loud I'm surprised she can't hear it.
"The simulation measures your fear response" she says. She repeating my words from earlier in the initiation.
"So if you can calm your heartbeat down, it will move onto the next one. Remember? So try to forget that we're here"
Yeah. Piece of cake.
"Yeah?" I say, only then do I realize how close to her ear my lips are and I gently pull back.
"You know, most boys would enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a girl" she scoffs.
I want to laugh but the way she says 'closed quarters' makes me remember where I am and suddenly I can hardly speak. "Not claustrophobic people, Tris!" I sound a little too desperate for my liking but I don't care anymore.
"Okay okay" she says quickly. She take my hand and guides it to her chest where her heart presumably might be.
"Feel my heartbeat. Can you feel it?" she asks.
I smile at her attempt to help me. She's the kind of girl that I've always wanted. Strong but not dominating, soft but not weak.
"Feel how steady it is?"
"It's fast" I notice. This is supposed to comfort me, now I'm worried she's scared as well and I am in no position to comfort her right now.
''Yes, well that has nothing to do with the box" she winced slightly at the admission. And somewhere deep inside me, under the mask of indifference and order, a part of me opened up.
"Every time you feel me breathe, you breathe. Focus on that" I am quite proud of her method of calming me down although I know it's not going to work. But I'm determined to give it a try anyway.
"Okay" I say. After a couple seconds of focusing purely on the rise and fall of Tris' breathing she says, "Why don't you tell me where this fear comes from. Maybe talking about it will help us… somehow" she seems quite sure of herself.
Immediately I am thrown into some sort of flashback that feels more like a living nightmare
"Father no!" an 8 year old Tobias yells using his small arms to shield himself from his father's repeated blows. His cries are in vain and strikes keep raining down on him.
Marcus ignores him and brings the belt down once more leaving a smarting bruise on his son's knuckles. Turning around so that his father can't see his eyes swimming with tears the next blow lands on his back.
"Go. Tobias. Now!" Marcus commanded. He didn't give any specific instructions but Tobias knew where he was expected to go. The closet.
Shoved into a small, cold metal room and made to go for hours without eating or contact.
"It's for your own good" his voice says cold and calculating. His eyes narrowing
Snapping out of my reverie I said somewhat lamely, "This one is from my fantastic childhood. Childhood punishments. The tiny closet upstairs" I didn't explain anymore, I didn't see the need too.
It's for your own good. The words echoing in my head again and again.
Tris fell silent once I made that declaration. I felt bad for troubling her with my messed up life but apologies I'd save for another time. Right now breathing seemed like the bigger issue.
"My mother kept our winter coats in a closet" she said softly after a long pause. She probably had nothing else to say or this was her idea of topic diversion.
I begin gasping for air, spluttering. "I don't really want to talk about it anymore" I manage to get out. I can't talk much. My throat feels tight and the walls only seem to be getting closer. I feel like I'm being buried alive, all light disappearing leaving you in a dark dungeon, victim to your own thoughts and nightmares.
"Okay. Then… I can talk. Ask me something" she says oblivious to the nightmares in me mine.
"Okay" I say, my lips dangerously close to her ear, "Why is your heart racing, Tris"
She cringes and that makes me smile a little, "Well, I…" she says gathering her thoughts, "I barely know you" she finally comes up with. I didn't expect something nearly as lame but she continues. "I barely know you and I'm crammed up against you in a box, Four, what do you think?" she protests.
I don't like the name. Four. It's a label and I've always hated labels. Like the factions, we were labelled. The Abnegation were labelled selfless, the Candor were labelled honest and so on. Like we could only be one thing. Like it was out duty to the Society to contribute one sole quality.
But the problem was, I didn't want to be just one thing. Being just brave or selfless wasn't going to work for me. I wanted to be all five.
I finally say to her, "If we were in your fear landscape, would I be in it?" it's an honest question.
"I'm not afraid of you" she says and this time I genuinely smile.
"Of course you're not but that's not what I meant" I say laughing and just as I do, the walls around us crack and fall down in a pile of dust. Taking my arms out from around her body I find myself in a circle of light.
I already know what's next without even having to look. I turn to Tris, the smile still plastered on my face. I have no idea how goofy I must look.
"Maybe you were cut out for Candor, because you're a terrible liar" I say.
She shakes her head, "The aptitude test ruled that one out pretty well"
I shake my head, mirroring her movements. "The aptitude test tells you nothing"
Her eyes suddenly narrow like she is studying me waiting for me to say something or have an epiphany but I know exactly what she wants me to admit. Her eyes are challenging, daring to make the admission/
"What are you trying to tell me? Your test isn't the reason you ended up in Dauntless?"
"Not exactly, no…" I say vaguely as I notice the woman on the chair. She is waiting, waiting for her death.
"You have to shoot her" Tris says, it isn't a question it's a mere statement that hangs in the air above us.
"Every single time" I say. She isn't anyone I know, just an innocent bystander whose death I must have on my hands.
"She isn't real" Tris reassures me but she looks quite shaken herself.
"She looks real" I say.
"If she was real, she would have killed you already. It's okay" she says.
"I'll just do it" I say. Because this fear isn't as bad as the others, there isn't as much panic as there is guilt which makes it easier in the spur of the moment.
I pick up the gun and click the bullet into the chamber, I'm dreading what comes next. I squeeze my eye shut, and press the trigger. I can never look, I can't watch as the expression on her face freezes and is permanently etched on her face.
The woman's head whips back and these is a flash of red before she crumples onto the ground, motionless.
I stare at her as the dread slowly starts to fill me. She was innocent. She had done nothing wrong, what had she done to deserve this fate especially at my hand.
"C'mon, let's keep moving" Tris says pulling me away, the woman's body disappears but I can picture her vividly in my mind.
"Here we go" I whisper, now she'll find out who I am. Find out why they call me Four. Figure out why I hide behind a mask of indifference. Why I put on such a strong exterior, when I'm clearly not a monster.
A dark figure approaches and I know exactly who it is. He is tall and slim which short cut hair. He is dressed in the familiar shades of grey. The Abnegation cloth. I wait for realization to hit Tris, the moment it hits her who I really am.
"Marcus" Tris whispers softly beside me.
"Here is the part," I manage with difficulty, "where you figure out my name"
"Is he…" Tris' head shifts from Marcus to me back to Marcus and then back to me.
"Tobias" she finally says putting it all together.
I completely ignore her, my eyes fixed on my father's wrist, the familiar whip in his hand, whose blow I had suffered many a time.
"This is for your own good" his voice echoed throughout the small room and suddenly I was 13 years old again, eyes wide and vulnerable, staring at my fathers coiled whip whose wrath I'd face.
He lifts the whips and its snakes through the air, I turn away ready to face its blow but it never hits me. I turn around and I see Tris. Small, 16 year old Tris, darting in front of me protectively grabbing the whip from my father. He loses his balances slightly, using this to her advantage, Tris yanks the whip up and brings it crashing down onto his shoulder.
He gets up, his eyes dark, anger evident and he lunges towards her. A monster inside of roars and I push her out of the way. I won't let him touch her.
And all of the sudden all them vanish and all the lights come on again leaving just Tris and I in the very same room in which we began.
"That's it?" Tris looks shocked and in awe, "those were your worst fears? Why do you have only four…" her voice trails off and I watch her put the pieces together.
"Oh! That why they call you-"
She turns around to look at me and her voice breaks off when she sees me. I must look like an absolute mess but I don't care.
I walk towards her and pull her close to me. My lips brush dangerously close to her cheek. I wrap my arms around her and bury my face in her neck. For a second she stiffens and then very cautiously she wraps her arms around me.
It feels nice, to finally be held by someone who genuinely cares. It's been a long time since I've ever opened up to someone. Made myself seem so vulnerable but with Tris, it's different. She doesn't look at me like I'm a fat kid who gets bullied at school. She still respects me, looks at me like I'm stronger.
"Hey" she says gently, "we got through it". Her voice muffled by my shirt.
"You got me through it" I say. It's not my way of comforting her or congratulating her, it's the truth. She did this.
And we just stand like that for a long time, she keep her arms around me and I hold her close.
We fit together, like puzzle pieces, made for each other. Perfect halves, and in this chaotic world of factions and family, we found each other.
I'd always believed in only two kinds of people: The good and the bad. But now, I was convinced that maybe the world wasn't just black and white but various shades of grey.
A/N: Voila! (No, I'm not French) Anyway, I hope you liked it! Review! The little box is literally right there… come on… you know you want to… tell me how it was. I'll be waiting :D
-Ash