Cemeteries and Regrets
Author's Note: This is a continuation of Baby Mine a short one shot also on this site. Take a look and it might make a bit more sense.
The day is bright and sunny for January, and the gathering clouds promise of snow. Walking silently in the already fallen show, I sigh. These quiet moments are painful. When I have nothing to distract me the memories of those I've lost crowd in and I can't escape the mistakes I've made. I pull my coat up around my neck hoping to ward off the chill brought on by my guilt.
I step around the tree near the row of graves only to stop. I hadn't expected to find him here, but I'm not surprised either. He carries many of the same burdens, although he doesn't let them drag him down. If anything, he has risen above them. I know why he's here. Today is the anniversary, of the death for not just one loved one but two. Funny how fate chose to take two people he loved on the same day but many years apart.
I try to stop here whenever I'm in town, so many loved ones rest here. My father's empty grave, Janet, Kawalsky, and even Jack's son, Charlie. He represents all that I have been fighting for and all the I have lost. In the last few years since the end of the Ori and my promotion to Colonel the visits have become few and far between as I have been off world more that I've been here on Earth.
My gaze travels to Charlie O'Neill's stone. It such a sad story, his life taken much too soon. I never really knew Charlie O'Neill, but I did meet him once.
It happened years before I heard of the Stargate, back when I was a wide-eyed Second Lieutenant with Jonas Hansons's engagement ring on my finger. Jonas and I were stationed at Andrew's Air Force Base.
It was a hot fourth of July. I attended a backyard BBQ to celebrate the country's birthday. It was at one of my father's friends, which one I don't remember. The backyard was packed with people of various ranks. I was making my way toward the tables laden with food when something slammed into me. I looked down to find a boy holding two empty plates while the cake slid off my dress leaving a trail of crumbs and icing.
The boy had looked up at me, horror on his face so I bit my lip to stop from laughing because I knew it wasn't funny.
He'd rubbed his eyes fighting tears. "I'm so sorry ma'am. I wasn't looking where I was going. You can have my napkins." He held out the crushed paper.
"It's all right." I told him, bending down to help clean up the crumbs from the lawn and my dress. Then he helped me gather the rest of the cake bits from the ground and we headed off to find a garbage can. He was talking the whole way, which included telling me his name was Charlie and his dog was Duke. Next he showed me he'd lost three teeth and told how well his baseball team had done this season and how many homeruns he hoped to hit this year.
Once we had the cake disposed of, we headed back over to the table. "Why don't you choose two more pieces and I will help you take them to..."
"My parents. They're over there." He pointed in the direction of the large pool that filled up the lower part of the lawn.
We each took one and then he took my other hand. "Let's go?"
We wove our way back through the crowd and took the cake back to Sara and Jack. They were cuddled close together in a backyard swing. They were in love, anyone could see that. I could see it in the way Jack had looked at his wife. It made me think that Sara was the luckiest woman in the world. In that moment my own life and the choices I needed to make became so much clearer.
Jonas Hanson didn't look at me that way, and I realized he never would. All the doubts I'd been pushing aside came rushing in. I helped deliver the cake and I left the party, unable to stay. The next day I returned the ring, and took the first transfer that allowed me get away from Colarado Springs and Jonas.
I didn't realize the boy from that day was Jack's son for many years. After moving back to Colorado Springs and joining the SGC, it took me a long time to unpack all of my things. While I treasured the photo a friend had sent me from the picnic that day, of me and the little boy, I hadn't thought of it in quite some time, after all he'd taught me the greatest lesson of my life. Even after the blue crystal incident on P3X-562, I didn't realize I'd already met the boy I'd seen with Jack although he seemed familiar. Later, when I found the photo again, I was so surprised to see it was the same child.
After that, when I stopped to see Kawalsky, I started visiting Charlie as well. The visits increased as the number of graves grew. But now there is a new grave in the sequence and at this one I can't help but linger.
It has been a while since I've had a chance to visit. My duties on the General Hammond among other things seem to keep me away, but the skeletal remains of my flowers still remain from my last visit. I can see them peeking out of the snow.
The man standing before the graves tenses as though he senses someone is there and I know it is time to identify myself. Squaring my shoulders, I walk over to him and stand shoulder to shoulder with him.
"I miss him," the man says, without taking his eyes off the newest stone. "And I'm sure you too."
My fingers want to reach out to comfort him but I stop. I don't know if it is my place. Once upon a time I'd trusted him with my life. But now, that was long ago before everything fell apart, not once but twice. We'd drifted apart and each of us had our own lives.
"Yes I do. He was a great man, better than any of us. He proved it more times than anyone else. He was taken from us too soon, again."
This time he looks up at me. "Congratulations on the star, Sam. Sorry, I wanted to be there, but things got in the way. But I made sure that Cassie was. She needed to see you again, she misses you in her life. There aren't many people left for her. I heard today you're getting command of the SGC. He would have been proud of you, you know. Both of them, Jack and Daniel." He looks up at the sky. "I really want to believe that he's still up there somewhere, that he Ascended again. If could pull that off, Daniel could."
Tears form in my eyes. Blinking them away, I nod. "Me too, Daniel defied death so many times, why not one time more."
The man laughs. It sounds so familiar, yet foreign. He is his own man now, he no longer walks in Jack's shadow. "He's the only one who could." He takes my hand. "Sam, I'd like to say that I'm sorry. Ja-"
I pull away. "None of that matters. Regrets are all I have. I-" Stopping, I force a smile. "I can't lie to you. It hurts to see you. I see you and all my mistakes come rushing back. I can't help wishing things could have been different."
"I know. I feel like I should tell you, he-."
My voice is hard and brittle. "Don't. I don't want to hear it. It's all water under the bridge. I had my chance for happiness and I messed it all up."
"But it's not over Sam. Jack-"
"Jon! I said stop." My voice is sharp as I study him and mourn all the things that will never be. He is still young and strong, his hair brown without a hint of the salt and pepper I knew. Instead I am the one greying at the temples. He looks so much like Jack, too much. "Let's agree to disagree..." I stop, tears are way too close to the surface and I don't want to cry.
Frustration is written on his face as he tries break through my stubbornness. "I understand your regrets, Sam, but there is a chance to still be happy. Daniel wouldn't have wanted you to lock yourself away and stop trying and I'm sure he told you so before-"
I need to leave; emotions long locked away and shunted to the side are rising the surface. For the first time, I look down at the stone next to Charlie's. 'Daniel Jackson. Scholar, hero and friend.'
"I have to go, Jon." I step away from him and lay a single rose at the base of each stone, one for Charlie, and another for Daniel. With a hesitant touch, I lay my hand on Daniel's stone briefly before turning away. "I miss you, old friend. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you in the end." I take a few steps and stop. "Goodbye Jon, I'll see you around."
"Will I Sam? Cassie's still waiting for you to see the baby. We named her after you and Jack. Samantha Joan. Grace loves her little sister but she misses seeing you. She keeps asking for Auntie Sam."
"I will come by later today after-."
"Sam, if I had known what this would do to you-" His hand shuffle his cover around in his hands and I can tell he really doesn't want to talk about this but for Cassie he will.
This time I cut him off. "The Lucien Alliance created a huge mess and I've been on mop-up. When I have returned to Earth it's been for meetings and then back out there. In the last year, I've been home a total of two weeks. So your marriage is not the reason I haven't been see Cassie, really. I kept meaning to contact her but I just didn't get the time. I will do better, I promise." I pause and from the expression on Jon's face I know he doesn't believe me. "That's a lie. I could have found the time but I didn't. She sounded so happy and I didn't want to drudge up bad memories and the past. As for Jack, that was my fault. It was my fears that got in the way. I should have told him I loved him but I just never did."
Jon steps toward me holding out his hand. "Jack's here you know, in town; he wants to see you, Sam. Stop blaming yourself and give both of you another chance. He's just as miserable as you are. Please. Give both of you another chance."
I shake my head as I back away. "I can't-"
Walking away from Jon, I realize something. I will always carry my regrets with me. There is nothing to be done but take the rest of my life one day at a time. The snow that has been threatening begins to fall and no one can see my tears.
Someone steps into my path. "I truly am sorry, Sam. And I love you too." Looking up, I see Jack standing in the falling snow, his cover in hand. "Forgive me for being an old fool?"
He's really here, standing before me. Unable to say a word, I nod. Then both of us are moving forward. Our covers hit the ground and I feel myself falling.
Jack catches me. "Sam, never leave me again."
"I won't." I whisper after all I'm finally in his arms where I should have been all along.
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