Title: Sometimes I Wake Up By The Door 1/3 + Epilogue
Pairing: Criss/Colfer, Chris/OC, Darren/OC
Rating: R for this chapter.
Warnings: RPF, Angst, Infidelity, Mentions of Psychiatric Disorders
Word Count: 4,291
Spoilers: Nothing here to spoil, never happened.
Summary: Darren looks back over the past six and a half years at the decisions he's made, the mistakes that he can never take back, and the life he's been building. There has been joy and sorrow and love and friendship, but one thing is clear about his life today. He's been living a lie.
Darren Criss is living a lie. He's so good at it that at times he forgets the deception behind it all and really throws himself into it. It never lasts though, eventually he starts losing sleep for no good reason until he's lost in a haze of insomnia that reduces him to his basic self, and then it all rushes back in. Darren Criss is living a lie. It's a beautiful lie, really. He reminds himself often enough that most people would give almost anything to be in his shoes and to live his life. He's been married for four years to a beautiful, wonderful woman, and they have two wonderful children, the perfectly appointed home, and dream careers. It was all he had ever hoped for growing up, all he had ever wanted until it wasn't.
Try as he might, Darren never could remember the exact moment that had all changed. It wasn't a specific point in time, more like a gradual realization. One day he realized that when he told Chris he loved him it meant so much more and had for some time. They took their time after that. Not because Darren wanted to, he wanted to throw himself into it all and wrap his life around Chris', but Chris was sensible and cautious and put Darren off so often.
"There are feelings, Darren, of course there are feelings, I just can't." He would say this more times than Darren could count. Darren would spend his free time drowning in thoughts of Chris and how miserable it was to love someone so completely when they couldn't love you back. He moped around his apartment until Chris himself showed up and forced him back out into his life and into the world. Chris was nothing if not practical and Darren loved him for it, even then.
Darren remembered the night when things shifted between them. In some ways that was a beginning but for him it also felt like just another way to ache for more of Chris than he was allowed to have. It was late and they were on the phone, as usual, talking into the wee hours of the morning. However on this night they were both a little tipsy and Darren would swear that Chris was flirting with him. Before he even knew what was going on they were on the subject of sex, and then phone sex, and Chris was asking him if he ever had tried it. Darren hadn't, and neither had Chris.
Suddenly Darren was nervous. Chris' breathing was a little heavy, actually it sounded like Darren's, and Darren was suddenly thinking that this could really happen between them. It might happen right now, except there was just no way he could say, hey let's give it a shot.
"What are you doing, Darren?" Chris asked, his voice pitched low.
"Nothing." Darren answered, his voice sounding breathy to his ears. "Thinking." He added.
"Hmm." Chris replied and there was a sort of long drawn out pause after. "What are you thinking?" He pressed.
Oh, well, shit. Darren swallowed and he was certain Chris had heard him. "I guess I'm just thinking that I don't know if I'm brave enough for something like that." Darren's voice trembled just slightly.
"Be brave." Came Chris' reply.
They didn't talk dirty to each other that first time. Mostly it was just hitching breaths and panting into the phone that turned into moaning until they both seemed to fall into sync together. Before Darren knew it he was close, and Chris was too and then they were coming together, breathing into each other's ears. Darren nearly choked on the 'I love you' that wanted to be said. He didn't say it though and neither did Chris. They weren't together, not yet, but things had definitely changed.
It didn't happen again for several days, but soon it was happening more often than not. They were getting off on the phone together each night and were somehow still best friends during the day. It was confusing to Darren, confusing and wonderful, and overwhelming the way new love often is.
The summer came on them fast, and Darren found himself crying in Chris' arms as they said goodbye. Chris would only be gone for two weeks before the tour, but that was more than they'd been apart since they'd grown closer. Chris was soothing, rubbing his arms up and down Darren's back while Darren sniffed and apologized. He couldn't believe he was being such a ridiculous fool.
"I'll be back before you know t and then we'll have the whole tour ahead of us." Chris said softly, pressing his nose into Darren's hair.
"Right, I know, I'm okay, really. I hope you have an amazing time." I love you. Darren took a few ragged breaths and held himself straight as Chris pulled away.
"See you soon, Dar." Chris smiled reassuringly at him and then he was gone; out the door, into the waiting cab that would take him to the airport. Darren felt his heart twist painfully in his chest. Two weeks. It was a tiny amount of time, all things considered, but he knew Chris would be too busy for many phone calls, and he wouldn't have any privacy so their night time activities were being put on hold. Darren shook his head at himself as he locked his door. It's not as if he couldn't jerk off by himself, it was just, he didn't really want to. It was never as good as when he had Chris moaning in his ear. It would be great if that was what the problem was though, just that he'd miss getting off with Chris. It wasn't that at all.
Two weeks of trading emails and restless days and even more restless nights, Chris was back in just enough time to start repacking for the tour. He'd told Darren to meet him at his place the night he got in. Darren was beside himself waiting, but when he got to Chris' apartment and had been wrapped in Chris' arms, he forgot the long wait and sank into the here and now.
"I missed you." Chris said his voice tight.
"I missed you too." Darren said softly, burrowing himself into Chris and breathing in the clean scent of him.
"I realized something, while I was away." Chris said.
Darren tensed in his arms, torn in half b hope and dread. "You did?" He asked tentatively.
"I love you. I have for a long time." Chris' voice was so soft, but sure.
Darren had wanted to say something profound then, to reassure Chris that he still felt the same way, to say anything really, but he couldn't speak. Instead he pulled back just enough so he could look up into Chris' eyes and then they were kissing.
Maybe it should have felt really different than all the kisses they'd shared as Kurt and Blaine, but somehow it was just as easy, just as natural, as though they'd been doing this all along. Hs brain knew it was a first kiss and that it held so much precious potential in it, but his body just registered it as home.
They kept their relationship a secret for a long time. Chris opened up a whole world of pleasure and passion for Darren and together they learned about each other and love and trust and forever. Darren had been so certain it was forever.
Eventually they let their friends in on it, and finally their families. There were a couple of hard sells but mostly people wanted the best for them. Darren would always remember that first year they spent together as the golden year. That one tiny moment when their lives and their worlds aligned so perfectly that it seemed like nothing would ever touch what they had. Or what they wanted to build together.
He'd been a fool. Darren knew that now. He'd had enough time to recognize it for what it was, but at the time, he'd blamed Chris almost entirely.
Season five of Glee changed everything. They were both still under contract as series regulars, but their actual screen time was greatly reduced. This wasn't exactly a bad tin as it meant they could both focus on all their other projects. Darren was in the middle of working on his first solo album since Glee began and Chris was caught between furiously writing and starring in his first major motion picture that he hadn't directed. It was a busy time for both of them and it meant a lot of time apart.
Everything happened really slowly. So slowly that Darren would look back on it later and think that they were like frogs in hot water. Neither of them even registered that they were slowly being boiled alive.
Small things at first. They stopped making time to Skype while apart. Maybe it was because they often had people around them both and there wasn't a lot of time for privacy. Darren missed it though because he missed seeing Chris even when they were hundreds of miles apart.
Phone calls grew shorter, phone sex became nonexistent and Darren marveled at how much he could miss it even when he knew he could have the real thing once they were back in town together. Still that was like their first step and to have it just gone was like having something essential missing. He tired to initiate it a couple of times but Chris was too tired and how could Darren blame him really? Chris always worked harder than anyone he knew. Next they stopped flying out to see each other for visits that had to last less than a day. If they couldn't have the weekend, what was the point? All that travelled was time consuming and draining.
Phone calls grew infrequent. Where Darren was used to saying goodnight to Chris every night, now he was lucky f he got to talk to Chris once in several days. Chris still texted, giving updates on his work and telling Darren he loved him, but by then so many months had gone by that Darren was afraid this was their new life together.
When they were finally back at home together it was almost tense. Darren tried to brush it off and tell himself that they'd been apart too long, they were out of their routines and needed time to get back to life in the slower lane. He was patent with Chris, even when their sex life started to dwindle. Chris would fall asleep long before Darren would and Darren would just lie awake in the dark wanting Chris to be in his arms and feeling like Chris might as well be n another state.
Six weeks went by and the most intimate thing they'd shared were a few kisses that Darren initiated while Chris was still too sleepy in the morning to protest. Darren was starting to feel like all of this was tearing apart his insides. He tried to talk to Chris about it, but Chris could only say that he was sorry, that nothing was wrong, that he was too worn out from everything. That he loved Darren and wanted him, but that he just didn't have anything to give right now. Six weeks turned into several months and Darren retreated into himself.
In retrospect that would be the thing that haunted Darren the most. He should have known that something was actually wrong with Chris then, but he didn't. He was selfish and he wanted his lover back and he wanted Chris to be his as much as he had been before and it blinded him to everything else. He was selfish, so very selfish.
He didn't know how selfish exactly until he found himself at Lea Michele's New Year's Eve party alone. Chris had completed his latest novel and had begged off from the party, telling Darren to go anyway; that he needed to just pass out for twenty four hours and that Darren would just be bored sitting around the house. He didn't even take Darren to the airport. Darren checked into his hotel and then made his way over to Lea's.
He drank his cares away. Literally. He couldn't talk to anyone about what was going on and no one wanted to hear about things like that at a party anyway, so he drank instead. The music was loud and it forced him not to think and the drinks kept coming until he was content and numb and laughing and joking like his old self.
Jake Houghton was a friend of Jon Groff's, a Broadway star, and a Glee fan. They ended up in the kitchen together where they could hear enough to talk and they talked the rest of the year away until they knew all about each other. All of the superficial things, anyway. They had a lot in common too. Jake was just a little older than Darren but he was just as big a nerd if not bigger. When the party finally wound down, Darren was hesitant to leave. He hadn't felt this relaxed or this alive in forever. Maybe even a year. God, had it really been a year? But Jake was asking him to stay out, go for coffee. Greet the dawn and the New Year together, New York style, and Darren didn't have it in him to say no.
They never made it to coffee. They made it to Jake's apartment instead. Afterwards Darren left immediately. He curled up on his hotel bed and cried for hours. Hadn't Chris pushed him to this though? They had grown so far apart that they were more like roommates than partners, more like best friends than lovers. And now, and now…and now Darren was so alone. He was alone and cold and he knew deep down that it was the end. He wasn't going to lie about what he'd just done, and even if Chris could forgive him for it, neither of them would ever forget it. In one night, in less than an hour really, Darren had taken the only real thing he'd ever cherished and thrown it away. He blamed Chris, he really did, but his heart knew better, even then.
They broke up officially almost two months later. After numerous conversations and many shared tears, Chris had said that he obviously couldn't give Darren what he needed. He was too busy, too tired, and he didn't have whatever it was Darren was looking for. Darren hated him a little for that. Something in Darren had wanted Chris to fight him; to fight for them. Instead he gave up on Darren as if it was the simplest thing to do and that night Darren found himself alone n their home packing his things by himself.
Darren would never know what the motivation behind it all was, but his character was written carefully off the show. He didn't blame Chris for it, not for that decision. He wasn't really bitter about it at all. Actually it made life a lot easier now that he wasn't worrying about how he could face Chris at work. Then it was easy to take what he had left in his life and go to New York to pursue a career on stage.
He threw himself into work. He lost track of friends, he forgot to phone home to his family, he drew himself in tight and hung on to whatever bit of him that was left that still wanted to live. It was hard; harder than he ever expected. Harder still when Chris finally called to check on him and ask if he thought they could ever be friends again. Chris really was just a better human being than Darren ever could be. But how could he say no?
Like everything else about them, they started slow. They shared a phone call once or twice a week; an email here or there, then a text message randomly now and again. Darren cherished each one because he knew this was all he had left. Slowly but surely they feel into a comfortable pattern and Darren and Chris became friends again.
Just when Darren though this life was starting to make sense again, when his career was slipping easily along and he was letting his friends and family back in, Chris dropped a bomb. "I have an appointment to see a psychologist." He said one night.
"Oh?" Darren was tired but his brain was trying to wake back up.
"Yeah, I've…actually I've had some hallucinations." Chris' voice sounded small suddenly. Young.
"What do you mean, like what?" Okay so Darren was obviously not going to be eloquent right now, but he was suddenly nervous, feeling winded and unable to think.
"I guess it started a long time ago, but I just thought I was overworked or exhausted. I would hear things, like voices, and it sounded like a radio or television playing far away, but it's been getting worse." Chris took a deep breath and seemed to hold it.
It started a long time ago. Darren felt a sinking feeling right in the center of his chest. He couldn't speak even though he had a million questions, like when did it start and did you see a doctor and why didn't you say anything sooner?
"I know." Chris said simply. "It started about a year and a half ago. I saw a doctor and he said there was nothing physically wrong with me, it wasn't like a tumor or anything crazy like that. He suggested I try and get some rest but he said if it kept on I needed to see a psychologist."
Darren's brain started working again only now it was like it was on fast forward trying to catch back up.
"You never said anything." He said softly. He wasn't trying to accuse Chris of anything he was just trying to figure it out.
"I know." Chris said, his voice low and broken.
"Why did you wait so long to see the psychologist?" Darren asked.
"I was scared. Kept hoping it would go away and I was so busy and it just never went away and then…then things were happening and now I guess I just have no choice." Chris sniffed so softly that Darren couldn't be sure he'd even heard it.
"Chris, you need to call me tomorrow and tell me what they say, can you promise me that much at least?" Darren's gut was twisting into knots.
"Yeah, I will, I promise." Chris sad then he had to go, he was falling asleep, but Darren knew that was a lie. He let Chris go though and promised to be a better person from that night on. He would be a real friend to Chris and support him now even though he hadn't before.
Chris was not diagnosed with anything right away but he was put into both counseling and psychiatric treatment. Darren would learn more about Chris in the next few months than maybe he'd ever really known. Chris was treated with both ant depression meds and ant psychotic meds which seemed to minimize the occurrence of the hallucinations and helped Chris sleep better too. Apparently he'd been dealing with a lot of things for a long time and had tried to suffer through it all in silence. Darren felt like a complete asshole but he never could say anything more than he was sorry, so sorry for not realizing, and Chris of course would say, how could he have known. He just should have, Darren knew, but he let it go.
Eventually their friendship grew, Chris felt better, though not a hundred percent, and their lives continued to go on. It got easier to be that person Darren wanted to be for Chris and as the year went on he knew he would always be sorry for what had happened between them, he would never regret loving Chris though, and he would always work to take care of what they had now. He really believed then that it would be enough.
Darren met Sophie in a coffee shop of all places. It was cliché and corny and just felt so right. He didn't tell Chris. He didn't really know how. Things with Sophie moved fast. They had this insane whirlwind romance of coffee dates and dinner dates and making out in the movie theater and even though Darren had to be careful where he went Sophie never once complained. She kept their relationship quiet for Darren's sake. Two months into it though and Darren knew he never wanted to let her go.
Sophie was his match n almost every way. She sang, she acted, she loved all the same books and music and moves. She thought the way he did. Best of all she loved him, all of him, even the parts he was ashamed of. She didn't ever judge him for his past and she knew it all. Still Darren held off telling Chris and for a ridiculous reason. He knew deep down if the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn't want to know that Chris was seeing someone.
At the six month mark Darren gave in. He was tired of keeping Sophie a secret from the world and telling the world meant telling Chris, so he broke down and made the call. Sophie was even kind enough to leave the apartment and let him do it alone.
Chris was amazing about it. The first half of the conversation was mostly Chris being excited for him and asking for all the details and mildly chastising Darren for not saying something sooner. Darren was somehow still unprepared for Chris to say that actually he'd been keeping something to himself as well.
Chris met Michael four month back. They were now dating exclusively and Michael was practically living with Chris. Sure it was fast but he was happy, so so happy.
"Darren? Did I lose you?" Chris asked suddenly when he realized he wasn't getting a response out of Darren.
Darren shook himself hard. "No, no sorry, I'm here. I'm happy for you Chris, really happy." It wasn't a lie. Of course Darren wanted Chris to be happy. Chris deserved someone that could give him all that and more.
Then they laughed and shared stories back and forth and made plans to have everyone together at some point and it was such a good conversation that Darren felt a little of the anxiety in his chest ease off. They were friends, best friends, they could do this. Darren had made a promise to himself to be an amazing friend to Chris and he wasn't going to stop now, besides he had Sophie and she was everything he needed.
Maybe they had rushed the wedding just a bit, and their first daughter had been something of a surprise, although a good one. Darren was never sure if he had taken more time to get to know Sophie if he would have realized that she wasn't the one or if it was the act that they had married that made it so obvious. Either way the result was the same except that having married Sophie and having had children with her meant that there were now tree innocent parties involved and he couldn't walk away from any of them. He loved them dearly, all of them and he would never ever trade his children for the world, but that didn't stop him from knowing that he was a fraud, deep down.
If it were simple, if any of it were simple, he might believe he was just jealous. Of Chris partner, Michael. They were happy and had been living together for years and there was most likely an engagement on the horizon. No matter what else had gone on, Darren had always loved Chris, he just wasn't in love with him. Mostly he wasn't in love with him. Until he fell into one of his signature manic phases and started losing sleep and then he was left alone with his thoughts all night long and then he knew of course he'd always been in love with Chris; probably since he'd met the man all those years ago.
Things weren't simple though. There was a whole other side to the matter. The side that Darren never once thought would be an issue. He'd always believed you just loved who you loved and that was that. He loved Sophie, he had marred her. But there were nights when he wondered if he was actually sexually attracted to her. Nights he wondered if he was ever actually in love with her or if he just loved her as he might love a friend. He wondered if that meant he would have to live a lie forever or face breaking their family up, a family he cherished and loved.
He chose the lie. He'd made promises to Sophie that he couldn't break. He loved his children and refused to put them through the havoc of a divorce. So he fought his psyche and tried to convince himself it was acceptable and the right thing to do, and that he would never be selfish the way he once had been.
Then Chris proposed to Michael and Darren drank himself silly and fought with Sophie for no reason. Let Chris be happy, he kept telling himself. One of them ought to be free to have that. But it was no good, Darren could feel the lies crumbling around him and he felt helpless to stop whatever was about to happen.