FMA: I don't own it. Yay. This is somewhat funny. Ya gotta know something about the loan approval process, credit cards and AS and TV to understand this babbling piece of writing. There's a smorgasborg of stuff in here.
FULLMETAL DEADBEAT
Being the underage minors they are --especially Ed who's less than the height of Smurfette x 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 + the square root of 81 and doesn't ever look his age no matter how many bottles of AXE cologne and fake mustaches he alchemizes outta small green veggies like brussel sprouts—our idealistic buddies, the Elrich brothers take out a loan, several in fact, at Homunculus Credit Union in order to buy a "Philosopher's Stone", which they saw on Ebay real cheap. HCU is known for their insanely liberal lending policies -- No income verification, no employment verification, no credit check, no address verification and no id verification, living or otherwise. And, being anime cartoon characters living in an environment made entirely of acrylic paint and cellophane, that is a good thing. So at 4:59 pm and 58 seconds on a Friday before a long holiday weekend, the two clueless consumers stroll a little bit too confidently through the doors of HCU to do their thing.
They just have one problem, "Where the fuck is everyone????" Ed mutters to himself.
"I overheard there's a big party over at Senatah Ted Kennedy's place this weekend." Al says with an echo. "I guess that's why everyone was leaving so quick."
"Errrr…aahhhhh….I dunno…" Shrugs Ed.
With some effort on their part they locate and fill out a loan application (aka "app"). After they finish, they look around to see who can help them but the place is totally deserted save for one lonely sucker of a loan officer sitting at his desk trying to avoid them at all cost. Just as he is about to get up and sneak out, the Elrichs approach him, sit down and hand him their app.
"AHEM." A perturbed Ed says loudly pretending to clear his throat aggravated at almost being dissed by a homunculus.
"WTF DO YOU 2 WANT!?!?!?!?" The loan officer yells as he whirls around recognizing the 2 annoying bastards before him instantly. "Ain't there some village or some small green vegetable patch you should be blowing up or something!?!?!?!?"
"A loan and, NO." Ed states glaring at the lone HCU employee.
Their lonely sucker of loan officer just happens to be Greed, who sits back down and begrudgingly peruses their application with half hearted interest, "…Says here you're unemployed State Alchemists and you're on a mission from god…???" "Yeaaaaah, okaaaaaaayyy," he quips to himself shaking his head back and forth at the boys and then skeptically looks back down at their app with raised eyebrows. For a few brief seconds he intermittently glances at their application and then at them causing a massively uncomfortable silence for the two future debtors. They wonder what is going through his head and they are hoping against all Shamballa they conquer the application process and get approved, which is soooooo furthest from Greed's mind at this point:
'Bimbos, booze and bucks.' 'I sure hate this job 'cuz it FREAKIN' SUCKS!!!!!!!!'
And for those few brief seconds whilst he intermittently glances at their application and then at them, he watches them fidget. He gets sick satisfaction at seeing them squirm. "Gee kid," Greed pipes up directing his comment towards Al, "I've never known a suit of armor to be sweating bullets like you are. What are ya, Megadeth or something?"
They act like a wall and go blank. "…"
"It's a joke," he explains, "Sweating Bullets is a tune by the heavy metal band, Megadeth…"
They act like Anna Nicole Smith and go blank again "…"
Ed pipes up, getting riled up inside at hearing the words, "mega" and " death" assuming Greed is making some vile comment about his past in regards to body count, "Listen Greed, don't confuse me with Vash the Stampede…."
Greed cuts Ed off shaking his head noticing they just don't get his innuendo, "No, I couldn't confuse you with him! He's TALLER!!!!!" " Ya don't get it do you?……..Nope, not one fuckin' iota…" "Friggin' kidz these days…." he mutters to himself.
They act like Fry and completely blank AGAIN, "…"
(Ed: "ERRRRR!!!!!")
"AND STOP ACTING LIKE SESSHOUMARU FER CRISSAKES!!!!!" Greed screams flailing his arms in the air.
Whooze dat?" They ask stupidly in unison unaffected by Greed's actions. Apparently, too much conjuring has given the brothers 4M-ADD: Major, Massive, Mighty, Mega, Alchemic Deficit Disorder.
"He's my Furrier. He got me this rad pelt I'm wearing now," he enlightens them while toying with his fluffy collar "It's a total chick magnet."
"Oh." Again, they make like an empty chalkboard and blank for the 4th time.
From out of nowhere Al says stupidly, "Magnets stick to me all the time. I hate them so much!" and "Sometimes when I walk down the street, ppl confuse me with a refrigerator," thus backing up the fact not only sounding like the dumbass he is, he just is.
In the meanwhile, Greed opens up Al's breastplate and takes out a frosty beer knowing that a big fight is about to ensue. He sits back to enjoy the show. hic, hic, hic burp
Ed's left hand whips around and smacks his younger bro in the head…er helmet, resulting in it rolling onto the floor.
"AAAHHHHH!!!!!! MY HEAD!!!!!" Screams Al sounding much like Miroku getting his manhood caught in his wind tunnel. "MY BRAINS ARE GONNA SPILL OUT!!!"
" YOUR BRAINS ARE IN ETERNITY, DUMBASS!!!!" Ed screams turning redder than Renton learning he's in love with a Thing. "I SENT THEM THERE, REMEMBER!?!?!?!?"
Still in the meanwhile, Greed opens up Al's breastplate again and takes out another frosty beer or 3… --hic burp hic BURP hic BRAP BARF--
"Oh, yeah." Al vacantly says, having a sudden epiphany while he reaches for and screws his helmet back onto his shoulders.
"You're such a blonde, Al."
"You're like a vacuum, brother, cuz you SUCK!"
"At least I'm not a LITERAL AIRHEAD!!!!!!."
"FUCK YOU, SHORTY!!!!"
--BURP hic burp hic BURP hic BRAP BARF--
"ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!" "FUCK YOU, FRAKENSTEIN!!!"
"FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN', FUCKIN', FUCKIN' FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Both Al and Greed's mouths fall to the floor. O.o Getting cocked in the meanwhile, Greed openth up Al'sth breathstplate again and taketh out another frothty beer….
Al, wide mouthed for just a few seconds more and utterly horrified as to where that came from, comes back with some sort of a retort, "AT LEAST…..AT LEAST I CAN BE FUCKED!!!!"
"OH YEAH!?!?! WHO THE FUCK WOULD FUCK YOU!?!?"
"WINREY!!!!"
--BURP hic burp hic BURP BARF hic BRAP BARFburp hic BURP BARF--
"YEAH RIGHT!"
--BURP hic burp BARF hic BURP hic BRAP BARFburp hic BURP ARF--
"OH YEAH, THEN WHO'D FUCK YOU?!?!?!"
"MARTA!" "In fact she's been inside me several times now!"
--BURP hic burp hic BURP hic BRAP BARF hic burp hic BURP BURP ROOF--
"THAT'S REVERSE SEX, RETARD!!!!!!!!"
"HOW DO YOU KNOW, YOU VIRG….."
"BRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRRUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Both Al and Ed's mouths fall to the floor, utterly horrified as to where the fuck that came from, "….?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?…"
"EUREKA 7!" Greed cuts in, screaming at them and slamming down his beeyah on his desk finally ending their sibling rivalry, " YOU'RE BOFTH FUCKING WETODDID (RETARDED), ETHPETHIALLY STHRAWBERRY STHORTCAKE THERE!!!!!!" "NOW THIDDOWN, FER CRITHSAKESTH!!!!!!"
They do as they are told. ("ERRRRR!!!!!!!!!")
Regaining his composure (sorta), a tipsy Greed goes back to reading their application noticing they've listed their next of kin as a refrigerator seeing as Al is always confused with one and their emergency contact as Maes Hughes. For references they list simply 'Teacher', 'Chimera #1', 'Winry's dog' and 'Some chick who turned out to be a thief" with no telephone numbers or addresses listed. They put a big where the address line is and both have signed the application with an X on the borrower and co-borrower signature lines. He further notices the entire thing is filled out in cryptic alchemists' symbols… "What the --hic-- fuuuck…"
Greed, shaking his head again, looks back up at them in utter disbelief as if his original body was dug up and presented before him since he can not believe these 2 "heroes of the people" are as stupid as they look and act -- Al is now drooling battery acid ('uhhhhh,…. I thought the kid survived on a soul alone, not Duracell?!') and due to his excessive sweating, Ed's clothes have shrunk 3 sizes and don't fit him well at all which is bad for a midget and he ends up looking like one of the Lollipop Guild Members. 'What was the reason these 2 were winning the fight for the Philosopher's Stone again? It certainly wasn't for their intelligence…'
"Better --hic-- watch out or ya will rust and you'll end up in my amor coll...ahem..-- burp-- …I mean armor collection." "I got enough of my hic own armor, I don't --hic-- need more." To illustrate his point, Greed proceeds to transform himself into a Gundam, then into an EVA, then into Nirvash, then into Voltron, then into a Veritech Fighter, an Alter, and somehow ends up as a can of Budweiser. ('WTF?!?!?')…."See what I mean?" --BUUUUUURRRRPPP!!!!!-- "Speaking of large mecha… --hic-- …that reminds me…. I'll be right back boys…I gotta go drop a Mega Deuce." --hic hic hic hic--
Greed runs off to the bathroom and whilst he's behind closed doors of said gas chamber dropping his payload, he can hear the incessant creaking noises Al's suit of armor, akin to that of a White Stripes CD, coming through the door of said gas chamber, which are driving him nuts. !!!!!nyeet, nyeet, nyeet, nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, nyeet!!!!! In a ballsy move, Greed spots a can of WD-40 on a shelf inside said gas chamber, grabs it and once done with his 'mission', sprays Al with it, exclaiming:
"FRICKIN' --HIC-- JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH! HOLY TRINITY --BUUUUURRRP-- BLOOD, PUT A SOCK IN IT!!!!!"
"AHHHH!!!!!" Al screams, "My EYES!!!!!" "Help me brother!!!"
Ed folds his arms and looks at him coolly but blankly, "Shut up Al, you're made of metal, chill." " You got red dots for eyes."
"Oh yeah." And again out of left field Al offers more useless information reminiscent of Cliff Clavin (see Cheers, show from the 80s), "Sometimes ppl mistake me for a freezer too."
"HUH!?!?!" Ed blurts out, burying his head in his hands.
…--hic burp hic hic hic-- Greed opens up Al's breastplate and takes out a Bacardi Bomb Pop.
"Works every time I get a kink….--hic--." Greed mutters to himself sitting back down to finally peruse the work of fiction before him with more seriousness. " So let me get this straight…(1) you're both minors, I can tell because puberty hasn't quite taken effect, especially on the stunted one, (2) you are both UNEMPLOYED and have absolutely NO INCOME because you left your employer based on MORAL principles, (3) you have no clue where you live, (4) your references SUCK and ain't Hughes DEAD!?!?" "And (5), you're on a mission from God…--HIC!!!--"
Greed makes like Carl when he found his house has been vandalized again, giving them a look of sheer foreboding, whilst saying with a tone of icy aggravation, "You two brothers --hic hic hic-- are giving me the blues, ya know that?"
Together they make like our mentally tortured friend --Renton -- acting all insecure, wimpy and stuff as they offer up a shaky-voiced, lame ass response to Greed's question, "Uh, uh….no?"
Then Greed, still drunk and a little woozey, suddenly remembers something and like Peter Griffin or Don Imus, blurts the first thing to come out of his mouth, "WT--hic--F?!?" --sluuuurp!!!--
Startled, they jump more than Ed's height out of their chairs and land on the floor, THUD , (almost like Quagmire when he's been caught in the act). (Giggity, giggity man.)
" I've been taking teh --BUUURRRPPP-- Lord's name in vain!" Greed shouts looking confused. "Wait, I don't even believe in god!" "WTF?!?" --sluuuurp!!!--
Once things settle down and people and things are back in their seats, Greed throws their application on to the table before their eyes, points to it and loudly quips, "You two are a piece of work, ya know that?!?"
Al, being the dumbass he sounds like at least in the American version cuz I haven't seen the Jap version, takes this moment to react to the question posed before him, "Why, thank you."
Ed whips around scolding his younger brother for being the dumbass he is so turning out to be, "Shut up Al, that was sarcasm!" "He wasn't complimenting you on your armor, he was making fun of us!"
"Yeah I know that, BLONDEY!!!"
"ERRRR!!!!!…"
"ENOUGH!" Greed screams again, frustrated that he has to raise his voice for the umpteenth time. "DO YOU TWO EVEN KNOW HOW TO FILL OUT A CREDIT APP!?!?!" --HIC!!! sluuuurp!!!--
"NO!" They scream back.
Greed blinks once maybe twice at their not so nice response. He is certainly taken aback for a moment but regains his composure for an Nth time and then proceeds to tear up their application before the two bewildered brothers' eyes, existent and non. --sluuuurp!!!--
"Fiesta!" Sceams Al in delight at the flittering paper in the air.
Ed is about to interject when Greed interjects, "Let me say it this time, will ya?"
Ed nods.
"Shut up Al, ya dumbass."
Al: "….."
"I want to thank both of you for the raging headache I have now but I suppose either of you would not know about that considering both of you are empty headed!" He reaches for another Bacardi Bomb Pop to ease his pain but continues his tirade, "I'm here to GET PAID, not BABYSIT." "Plus I am one app away from receiving my BONUS!!!" "Now let's FILL THIS THING OUT AGAIN, SHALL WE!?!?!?!?!?" --sluuuurp!!!--
Making like an IM sentence, they reply, "K."
Greed opens his desk drawer and produces another application. He plops it down in front of him and goes thru each section with the brothers making sure each one is filled out slightly satisfactorily. He gets to the section called 'Employer' and like Inuyasha, blanks. He ain't sure what to put in that section knowing the 2 of them are unemployed due to "moral" reasons.
"Ok kids, occupation?"
They shrug. "…."
"Fuck it. I'll make something up." Greed looks at them long and hard and decidedly comes up with, "Runt and Full-time Garbage Can." --sluuuurp!!!--
"ERRRRR!!!!!!!"
"Could you stop saying 'ER', please. I HATE that show!!!!"
"Huh?!?!?!?"
"NEVERMIND!" Greed shouts. Then he remembers something and directs his next question to Al, "Wait, that reminds me, are you LIVING?"
"Yes." Al responds. "I like to frequent the Auto-Erotic Female Strip Club in Estrus (play on Amestris) county." "It makes me feel alive!"
Ed falls off his chair in classic anime fashion and Greed just wishes someone would dig up his remains so he could get this over with. Unfortunately, Greed is sober, so he reaches for another Bacardi Bomb Pop. --sluuuurp!!!--
"Ahem……as long as you got a soul bound to that….that….trash can receptacle thingy.. I guess you're living."
Al responds again, "I'm like Angel, I have a soul….its just too bad I can't wear shoes anymore……Cordelia is hawt….Wesley's a pussy…."
Greed ignores his response, "Purpose?"
After some hesitation among the Elrich brothers, Ed speaks up, confident in their mission, "We wanna buy a Philosopher's Stone." "On Ebay." "Cheap." "Only $1.95."
"So if its so fucking CHEAP, then why are you asking for a BILLION dollars?!?!?!?!"
Ed gets hot under the collar and starts fidgeting whilst sweating profusely, trying to 'splain his self there Lucy, "Well….heh heh….ya see…."
Greed waits impatiently for an answer.
"Uh…well….ummmm….uhhhh…….heh heh….."
"Yessssss?????"
"HE'S FUCKING SHORT COMPARED TO THE OTHER 15 YEAR OLD IN THE STORY SO HE NEEDS PLATFORMS!""" Al announces to everyone who isn't there.
Greed takes this answer in for just a millisecond of a moment and replies sarcastically, "AWESOME." --sluuuurp!!!-- (Again, he just doesn't care at this point for this application will clear his path to a big fat bonus.)
Ed and Al are proud of themselves. They smile outwardly and inwardly. Greed seeing this rolls his eyes. "How ya gonna pay for this?"
"Uhhhhhhh……..we can convert dead leaves into Canadian dollars and Mexican pesos," Ed says unassuredly while his not so pure brother reminisces about his travels to the formerly mentioned strip club. "OMG….that time in the janitor's closet with Haagen Daz mint choco-chip ice cream ……and Mr Happy Cucumber and….Mugen….….was…..Farfegnugen!!!!"
Ed and Geed shaking their heads in total disbelief: "NE?!?!?!?!?……."
"Yeah, okay. That currency can't buy a classic Mustang." Greed states.
Al quips, "I didn't know Roy was for sale." "What a WHORE!" Like Led Zep, he rambles on, "I was abducted by aliens….I wish Fox Mulder would answer my emails…." "A.D. Skinner is so HAWT!" "Does Mulder own Fox TV????"
Ed and Geed for a 2nd time: "NE?!?!?!?!?……."
Greed to Al: "Is he really RELATED to you?!?!?!??!" --sluuuurp!!!--
Al : "I like Super Walmart……..they use me as a condom dispensing machine….."
Ed to Greed: " I am beginning to have serious doubts about that."
"I am so done with this application. I'll be right back." Greed goes over to his manager, Sloth, who approves their application with ambivalence, "What. Ever." She goes over to the Gate of Money and draws out the funds.
Greed comes back and throws down a pile of monopoly money. "Congratulations, you've been approved!" "As long as you pay on time and don't play games, the interest won't cost ya an arm and a leg!!!!"
In response to the excitement, Ed's automail arm and leg fall to the floor. Greed, wide eyed, looks at Ed's parts and then at Ed, " Oh, I guess it did…."
"Heh, heh, heh…" Ed laughs uncomfortably and then changes the subject, "What's with the monopoly money?"
Greed looks at him with the are-you-dumb-or-what-look, --sluuuurp!!!-- "Duh, man! Its anime, you expect REAL money????"
"…."
Al decides he's gonna ramble on some more, "I once had a REAL body, but my short sighted, fucktarded brother LOST IT……"
"ERRRRRR!!!!!!"
Sounding like a cat with it's tail stuck in a carburetor Al emits an inhuman scream, "AAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!", because to reiterate he is (a) not human but (b) a pile of scrap metal with a soul bound to it. Plus, (c) he snapped. Then (d) in a fit of rage he punches Ed in the face and they both fall to the floor in uncontrollable convulsions.
"We've fallen and we can't get up!!!!" they shout as they both writhe about the floor in agony reminiscent of a John Belushi gag from SNL or Animal House.
"Someone call nine eleven." --sluuuurp!!!-- Greed says matter of factly looking at the bizarre scene before him, scratching his head not knowing what to do with the 2 wretches before him. He is beside himself at this point and if he had his original body next to him he'd be literally beside himself…. "O-kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, its been nice doing business with you boys, so here's your money." He proceeds to dump a bag of the afore-mentioned monopoly money on top of them and leaves. "Have a nice life," he says and then looks at Al, "but in your case, SHELF life."
With the assistance of a crane, the two happy campers involuntarily leave HCU with their money not even thinking about paying it back for they are still having fits of stupidity.
They are hospitalized for weeks and weeks on end and then once out, they go into subsidized housing and live off AFDC: Alchemic Freaks Dollar Charity and SSDI: Social Security Disability Income (so solly, mistah, no pun on dat). As an indirect correlation, the next week Roy and company look at their paychecks and wonder why their take home pay has decreased ever so slightly….("Duuuuuhhhhhh???")
But something goes horribly wrong—They can't pay back their loans! Lord Forbid! The horror! 6 months go by without them paying. If you think Greed gives a fire rat's ass, he don't because he got his big fat bonus and is down in Mexico sipping margaritas with his buddy, Milton from Office Space. However, yet as another indirect correlation, Roy and company look at their paychecks again and wonder why their take home pay has decreased ever so much…(Hey, someone's gotta pay, right?)
The Elrich boys go underground avoiding HCU at all cost -- They (a) disconnect their home phones and go for those cheap prepaid and untraceable phones called Crapfones …er…Tracfones and (b) then move in with that transient known as Scar. The boyz are making some goodly cash off the government aka Der Fuhrer, and even if they have completely recovered, they will still collect their money so long as they act retarded.
HCU finally "discovers" they have not paid. We're not talking the credit card here, folks, although it's a befitting pun for this fic, but the fact that credit unions in general just don't monitor their receivables closely like banks do. So if ya got shit credit, go to a credit union, they'll give anyone money.
Now back to the fic: With some effort called skip tracing, the two deadbeats are located. Skip tracing: a technique to locate a deadbeat when they skipped out of their home state or their residence and went some place else where they don't wanna be found. Not to be confused with jump rope or hop scotch. Ha ha ha.
Gluttony calls up explaining the situation, "PAY UP, MOFO!!!!" "At HCU, we don't break legs, WE EAT 'EM!!!!" "Us bill collectors are INHUMAN anyhow!"
Ed wants to know how Gluttony got his Crapfone number.
"All it takes is one pissed off, pregnant girlfriend, BUB!"
"Gawdammit!!!!!"
"Teacher says 'HI' by the way."
"..that friggin' bitch!!!!…"
"PAY UP, DEADBEAT!!!!"
"BITE ME!!!!"
"Normally I don't do requests but since I'm hungry, I'm gonna come through the phone and do just that!"
"Listen PORKY PIG, there aren't any phone lines to fit the size of YOU!!!"
"CHILD SUPPORT!!!!"
"AAHHHHH, ALRIIIIIGHT!!!!!" Ed breaks down and explains his reason for non-payment, "That so called Philosopher's Stone turned out to be some freakin' sacred jewel from some shrine in Japan. I went to get it appraised and after I did, I was mugged by some white-haired, red-clothes wearing Chimera toting a really large sword. I tried to do alchemy on it's sword but I realized I couldn't alchemy teeth." "I've been Shanghaied!!!"
"BEAN SPROUTS!!!! YUMMM!!!!!! They got good dimsum!" "PAY UP, PIPSQUEEK!!!!!"
"ERRRRRRRRRRR……"
"Civil Judgment!"
"GAWDAMMIT, WTF DO YA WANT FROM ME!?!??!"
"MONEY, SHIT FOR BRAINS!!!!
"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!"
In a 10 minute approval process using their old man's social security number, the Elrich brothers apply for and get a credit card with Capital One, because at the time there was nothing in their wallets. Reluctantly, they pay off HCU. Everyone is happy for at the time being or at least till the next billing cycle. They then plan to take revenge on that white-haired, red-clothes wearing Chimera toting a really large sword -- eventually. To subsidize their little adventure, they pay for it using another credit card, which happens not to be Amex but Visa because life takes Visa and so doesn't Brock Sampson, who they hired to be their extra hand to take revenge on that white-haired, red-clothes wearing Chimera toting a really large sword that looks like a really large tooth….
Once the brothers have everything in their inventory, they take stock of what they have:
15 Cases of Ramen: $2000.00
Really Big Stun Gun: $4000.00
Taking revenge on that white-haired, red-clothes wearing Chimera toting a really large sword: PRICELESS.
For everything else there's Master Card!
7 Alchemist's circles later, they file for Chapter 13 bankruptcy wiping away their debt, starting anew.