Beautiful Terror
by The Almighty Cheez It
rated :: PG
--
Just so you know –
The story takes place a week after the Department of Mysteries incident in their fifth year, so basically the beginning of the summer after. There are flashbacks throughout other years, though.
Sometimes, when the sun would set below the horizon and the sky would turn that alluring shade of pinkish-orange, she could close her eyes and welcome the memories. Before that night, she could handle the haunting incidents replaying around in her mind, the incidents from her elementary years. Now, however, as an almost-sixteen-year-old woman and far from being elementary, she could let the tears fall without feeling as though they were some sort of horrific poison. It was during the day, where the sun would shine over everything beneath it, smiling a bright grin at the world, that she couldn't handle it. She couldn't bear seeing the world around her act so normally, so happily, while she was sitting by herself, mourning over the terrible turn in her life.
Harry had been depressed, and that was more than enough to send her tumbling over the edge. But the love that Harry had felt was different than the sensations that erupted inside of her when his name came into her head. The way that the letters connected so smoothly to form a title so angelic, a name that she would forever hold in her heart and never replace. Sirius.
While her thick curls had once been messy, their state of being now was simply atrocious. She had not kept up with her appearance, knowing that he wouldn't care about anything as trivial as physical appearance. Perhaps in the past he might have, but he was a changed person. She may not have known him when he was a boy, but she knew him as a man, and she was well aware that spending half of his life in Azkaban had changed his outlook on quite a few things.
The sofa that she sat on was old and tattered; its maroon cover was chipping to reveal a spongy yellow interior. Beside it sat a single coffee table, holding several books in a skewed stack atop its clean glass. That was just like her, relishing in the scent of knowledge to drown her sorrows. She had to hold out strongly, though, simply because it was her role in Harry's life. If he noticed any signs of weakness from her, then he would be sure to breakdown as well. She didn't want to be responsible for his lack of spirit, or whatever amount of it he had left after the previous week's events.
The door of the large library creaked, and she turned around wearily to see who had intruded on her quiet escapade away from the bustle of the rest of the household. To her immense surprise, a very tired-looking Remus Lupin stood there, offering a half smile that made up for his early aging. She had never been close to the werewolf; their relationship had never escaladed higher than a mentor-student relationship. He had always been much closer to Harry, like most of the other people she knew. She wasn't complaining, of course – she didn't like the spotlight very much – yet she wondered why he had sought her out, for nobody entered the library of Grimmauld Place except for her. It was a kind of unspoken rule.
"Hermione?" he asked, stepping further inside the dim-lit room. He turned his head slightly as he shut the door behind him, before moving forward to join her on the couch. As he sat down, Hermione marked her place in Department of Mysteries: The Veil before closing the book altogether and setting it on the top of the pile of books in front of her.
"Hello, Professor," she answered, not even attempting to smile, knowing that the effort would be fruitless. She folded her hands together in her lap, not quite sure how to break the awkwardness in the room. Twiddling her thumbs in some sort of depressed anxiety, she tried her best to avoid his eyes. She didn't want to face those dulling brown orbs that held the same pain and heartbreak that her own shadowed. She wasn't ready to face the only person who had had a relationship with him that was even somewhat similar to her own.
On a normal occasion, Remus would have tried to convince her that his name was indeed 'Remus', rather than 'Professor', a title he had dropped along with the said occupation two years previous. They both knew, however, that this was not a normal occasion. It was one week after the event that changed Hermione's life, and she was not in the mood to be corrected; as such, Remus was not in the mood to correct her.
"I hope you're faring well," he said, and the sincerity in his voice was a pleasant shake of reality to Hermione. She finally met his eyes, and shook her head. For the first time in days, she blinked, and her lashes produced wet, steaming tears. They cascaded down her face in elegant trails, leaving her cheeks rosy and warm. She let out a strangled noise and moved closer to Remus, entwining herself with his open arms as she finally mourned for the one man she had ever truly loved.
"Er – Mr. Black – Sirius?" said Hermione, tilting her head slightly as she spoke. She was still in such a huge shock at learning the truth, and she wasn't going to give into it easily. The story was getting more bizarre by the second and while she wanted to back up Professor Lupin and trust him fully, she couldn't let down her guard yet. With Ron's injury and Harry's anger, she was the only one left who could stay remotely rational.
As she addressed him, his head swiveled toward her and he jumped back a bit. It was obvious that she had startled him with the way she addressed him, but the way he gazed at her sent a series of shivers down her spine, and she had no idea what to make of it. His eyes seemed close to popping out of their sockets as he gazed at her with such a fierce intensity that she actually looked behind her to see if some other woman was there. She discovered, though, that his eyes were focused directly on her, and a slight blush formed on her cheeks.
A few hours later, she found herself hiding in the Forbidden Forest with Harry while Buckbeak was busy with some critter behind them. Together, she and Harry were discreetly watching a touching scene unfold in front of them. Harry and Sirius Black were talking, and Sirius had a hand on the younger boy's shoulders. He had managed to gain her trust, and the complete compassion that he showed for Harry was beautiful.
She was captivated by the scene, and watched with slightly watering eyes as Harry looked up at his godfather, his godfather whose tattered soul was trapped in an even more tattered body. The smile that lit up Harry's face when Sirius proposed that they live together was infectious, and Hermione found herself smiling as well.
It was right then and there, as she saw Harry and Sirius smiling together, that she began to fall for the infamous Sirius Black.
Hermione wiped her eyes on her sleeve, removing her bushy head from Remus's shoulder, which was now soaking wet. She looked up at him, and instantly noticed how old he looked, and how unfair it was that he had to look so beaten this prematurely. His wrinkles were prominently etched into his pale skin, and she could tell how thin he was through his shirt. Still, though, the effort that he put into smiling was touching, and she found herself wearing a simple half-smile for the first time since last week.
"I know it's hard, Hermione," he said, his voice a soothing kind of deep baritone in her ears. She nodded, not knowing what else to say or do. Of course it was hard, and of course he could relate. Harry had had a different sort of relationship with Sirius. It was more father-son than anything else. Sirius had been Remus's only close friend for life (minus the twelve years spent in Azkaban) and could therefore relate to how Hermione felt.
"It's s-so empty without h-him," she said, nearly tripping over her own words as she gasped desperately for air. She couldn't even finish a sentence without stumbling. Sirius would have said something like, Come on, love, how can you stumble on your words when they're just going into the air? You're turning into Remus now. At that point, Remus would blush slightly, but evenly retort with something just as witty, leaving Hermione with an endless cache of giggles.
Remus nodded solemnly, placing his hand over her arm. "He used to brighten up this dingy old house as though it didn't take any effort," he agreed, closing his eyes to blink back his own oncoming tears. Hermione turned away again, not able to face him when he was feeling so vulnerable. How had things turned out so dreary? She remembered when they were all together, happily spending holidays and moments together.
They had just finished removing the last of the tinsel from the railways that circled around the living room, and the occupants of Grimmauld Place were exhausted. The Christmas tree had been vanished, but the laughter and joy that seemed to come only from the holidays was still in full swing, especially since the Hogwarts students were visiting for the winter holidays.
Speaking of which, everybody seemed to have an infectious smile hanging off of their lips. The Weasley twins were discussing tactics with Mundungus Fletcher, while Harry and Ron were talking to Remus and Sirius about how vile Professor Umbridge was. Many of the older Order members were chitchatting in a corner, while Mrs. Weasley, Ginny, and Tonks were cleaning dishes in the kitchen. Hermione was reading a book, but both to her disappointment and satisfaction, she had just finished the last chapter. Looking around the large living room, her eyes caught onto Sirius's, and her breath caught in her throat.
She could still remember how she got butterflies in her stomach the first time she ever talked directly to Sirius. The way his eyes had locked onto hers and seemed to stay absorbed with her brown pools was enchanting, and she felt her breath running ragged all over again. She looked down, hoping that Sirius wouldn't acknowledge her more than a slight smile, or else she might have melted right there.
Still, she couldn't help but feel thrilled when, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sirius mumble something to the boys around him before leaving the dining table and motioning with one finger to meet him in, of all places, the library. Back then, Hermione hadn't noticed Remus's curious eyes tailing behind them. She was too excited about the fact that Sirius closed the door behind him as he followed her into her haven.
She was starting to get nervous, though, as she realized that for the first time ever, she was alone with Sirius Black, the man who was old enough to be her father but had still unknowingly captured her heart. She remembered how awkward summer vacation had been, when she didn't know who would be living in Grimmauld Place, and discovered that it was Sirius's own house. She had avoided him at all costs, simply due to embarrassment, but after a term of school with the foulest little toad of a teacher she had ever had, she was extremely excited to get back to the House of Black and she had decided that because it was Christmas, full of joy and laughter, she was going to spend her time with him as best she could.
Back in the library, Sirius had sat down on the battered maroon sofa, patting the seat behind him for her to sit. Hermione, not quite sure what to expect, had hesitated momentarily before joining him on the couch. It was awkward, but she figured that was just on her own part. She highly doubted that Sirius felt any sort of awkwardness.
"Hermione," he said, and his voice was like a drug. Hermione nodded, looking up at him and trying to avoid staring at his rosy lips. She just wanted him to speak again; his voice was so low, so alluring to her. He smiled instead, however, and she noticed how much younger he looked when there were the crackling wrinkles by his eyes, how both his face and his irises lit up with such a simple gesture. She felt honored that she had somehow made him smile so beautifully. "Am I old?"
The question had caught her so completely off guard that she giggled a bit before realizing that he was serious. Pondering with a slight shrug, she unconsciously moved closer to him until she realized that his arm had somehow made its way around her shoulders. The thought excited her, but terrified her. What was going on?
Because she couldn't just not answer his inquiry, she smiled as brightly as she could with her heart beating sixteen times faster. "Well, Sirius, you're twice my age, but –" and she couldn't believe she was saying it, but she was in a rather daring mood "– not enough to scare me away from you." She didn't know if he caught the secret meaning behind those words, but he looked down at her and her breath caught, again, as she realized he had the same look in his eyes as he did when he looked at her for the first time in his life. That look of surprise, of awe, of admiration, that she couldn't quite understand.
"Do you promise?" he asked next, and Hermione tilted her head, not fully comprehending.
"Promise what?"
"Promise that you won't get scared of me."
Hermione didn't know where this was going, wouldn't let herself think up possible endings to the scene, but she nodded, too numb and hypnotized to do much else. "I – I promise, Sirius."
And that was when it happened. Before she knew it, she had somehow found that her lips were connected with his, and she discovered that Sirius had leaned down to kiss her. She couldn't believe the sensation she was feeling. She had dreamed of kissing those rosy, slightly bruised lips since she had met him, but never thought it would actually happen. If either of them had been paying attention, they would have noticed that Remus popped his head in to see what was going on, before smiling and shutting the door. As it was, Hermione and Sirius were both too absorbed in exploring each other's taste, each other's mind, body, and soul, to notice anything but each other.
And when Sirius finally pulled apart, lacing his fingers through Hermione's and placing a chaste kiss on top of her chestnut ringlets, she knew, right then and there, not that she had fallen in love with her best friend's godfather, but that she had been in love with him all along.
"I miss him, Professor," said Hermione, her eyes closed as she reminisced on the moment that she had realized her love for Sirius. "We only had two weeks together before I had to return to school." It was true; Christmas break was only a two-week long period, and for Hermione, it had passed by way too fast. She soon found herself facing Umbridge and her cruelty, which seemed to have increased over the break. She was not eager to leave Sirius, but she could have never guessed that two weeks was all the time they would ever have.
Remus nodded, leaning in so that he was parallel to Hermione's face. Her soft features were tainted with teardrops, but they both knew that had Sirius been there, he would have expressed just how beautiful he thought she was. "He's watching you, Hermione." Somehow, without even knowing how, Hermione knew he was right, and she got up from the couch with a loud sigh. She bent over to give Remus a grateful kiss on the cheek, though it was half of a gesture from Sirius that he initiated through her. She knew it. She smiled at him, whispering a wholehearted 'thank you', before she walked out of the library with her head down low.
She walked throughout the corridors of the house before she reached Sirius's room, the biggest room in the house that was clean enough for habitation. She knocked on the door and waited for a moment before entering, checking around her to make sure that nobody else was there. As she walked in and closed the door behind her, she examined the overall plainness of the room. It had only two photographs in the entire room, and other than the bed, dresser, desk, and chair, the two frames were the only means of furniture in the room.
Hermione walked closer to the desk where the frames were positioned and looked down, tears spilling out of her eyes slowly again. The first picture was a cute little photograph of the Marauders at the Potters' wedding. James was carrying a beautifully dressed Lily in his arms, his grin the size of Kansas as he glanced down at his new wife. Sirius was beside James, one arm strung over James' shoulders, and the other around Remus's, who was on Sirius's other side. There was a tear in the photograph right next to Remus, and Hermione guessed that that was where Peter had once been standing.
She set that photograph down, and glanced at the other one on the table, the one whose frame was a delicate gold, covered in silver lace. As she expected, the picture was one of the two of them. She remembered the exact moment it had been taken.
On the chilly winter night, the night before Hermione was due to return to Hogwarts, she awoke at three in the morning, unable to sleep because her conscience had been bugging her about useless things. Grimmauld Place had never been her favorite place to sleep, or spend summers such as this one. The only upside to the dreary house was that Sirius lived there, and she would honestly never pass up a chance to see Sirius. She got out of bed, glanced at Ginny, her roommate and best female friend, and walked out onto the patio.
To her surprise, the one who she had spent so much time thinking about was already outside, looking out at the stars. She couldn't see his face, but she bet that if it was in her line of view, he would have looked very calm and contemplative. Finally realizing the danger of him being outside somewhere where he could be discovered, she gasped. "Sirius! What are you doing out here? It's the middle of the night and if anyone saw…"
Sirius walked over to her and hushed her by putting a finger an inch away from her lips. He always teased her like that, and she had to admit that she loved it. If only he would replace that finger for his own lips, resting atop hers in a sweet kiss, then it would be perfect. To her disappointment, however, he turned back around. He opened his mouth to speak, and wistfully said, "Some nights, when I can't sleep, I come out here and gaze at the stars. The brightest one up there – see it, Hermione? – it always reminds me of you, because your smile lights up my heart like that every time I see it."
Hermione smiled, though a slight blush did appear on her cheeks as well. She walked closer to him, and turned his head around so that they were facing each other. "Ever wonder why I smile, Sirius?" she asked, wrapping herself in his arms both to block out the forceful chilliness of the night but also to feel his strong, protective arms cover her. "It's because of you."
Hermione smiled as she felt Sirius unravel her from his arms, before he placed a finger tenderly under her chin and brought her head closer to his. He put their foreheads together, and whispered, "I love you, Hermione," in a voice so quiet she had to strain to hear. She gasped, because it was the first time he had ever told that to her, but she knew he was telling the truth. When, a mere second later, he pressed his lips against hers, she didn't even notice Remus Lupin, the smile on his face, or the camera in his hand.
She put the picture back down on the desk and looked to the door on her left, which led to the balcony in her flashback. She slowly headed for the door, before opening it and stepping outside.
Hermione smiled against the wind, relishing in the fact that she was on the same balcony that she had been on that night. She could smell the scent of the trees in the distance and she heard her footsteps echo behind her as she immediately made way for the railing. Because it was early morning when she had gone into the library with Remus, and only a good twenty minutes after that, it was still dark out, but Hermione could see the top of the sun over the horizon, waiting for its time to rise. She smiled against her tears; she had always loved the calmness of the sunrise and the morning.
Hermione grasped her wand, never once removing her eyes from the beauty that lie before her, and conjured a soft blanket to place on the wooden floor. Hermione sat down slowly, closing her eyes and inhaling a long breath. When her eyes reopened, she felt refreshed; renewed. She smiled, and began talking to what any outsider would think was the air.
Hermione was talking to Sirius.
It almost seemed as though she was praying to him. Her hands were folded in her lap and her head was bowed slightly, in respect to his memory. She had a bittersweet smile on her face, and before her lips had even parted to say a word, her eyes were tearing at the very thought that he was not physically there with her. She kept her stare firmly on the horizon, not finding anything else that could compare to Sirius's beauty.
"Promise me that you'll watch over me," she whispered, pleading for his protection. "I can do anything with you, but by myself, I am nothing. Books can't help me in the real world. That's what you've always tried to tell me, but it took me this long to realize it. And now that I have, I just ask that you'll be here with me, to hold me and keep my heart warm. You are my strength," she spoke again, glancing upward toward the sky. Because the sun was not fully positioned in the sky, she could still see a distant star – the brightest in the sky. Sirius.
She smiled, knowing that he was with her, and was going to be there through this entire ordeal of healing and mourning. "You aren't dead," she said slowly, though it sounded like she was trying to convince herself rather than him. "You are alive, in my heart, aren't you?" She stood up, leaving the blanket alone on the stone floor. "You will always be there."
She walked over to the railing, bending over it. She had yet to actually say his name, but she knew that he was listening. "I love you." Her voice cracked and she found herself unable to keep from emitting a slight sob. Her knuckles grew white from clutching the railing so roughly. She let off, only slightly. "We stuck with each other, didn't we? Love brought us together, and death can't tear us apart."
The sun had finally risen from the horizon's end and was positioned in the mid of the sky. Hermione walked toward the door, after effectively making the blanket disappear. When she reached the middle of the balcony, she noticed that she could no longer see the star. "You're not gone," she said, looking at the spot where it once was. "You're still with me. I can feel you."
Her eyes were closed, her lips were parted. "Watch over me," she said, before pausing a moment, and adding, "I love you, Sirius." It was the first time she had spoken his name aloud since the incident in the Department of Mysteries. She gasped and inhaled a sharp breath as she acknowledged that he wasn't physically there, that she would never hear his voice again, never taste his kiss again. It took all she had to prevent herself from bawling out loud, but she smiled the saddest smile she had and said it again. "Sirius. You know that's the first time I've said your name since you died. I love you so much, Sirius, and you are always going to be here with me. You are going to help me through all of this. I can feel you. We're more than just in a relationship, Sirius, we're soulmates. That pact is going to stay with us through death, and I know you won't let me forget it."
She wiped the last of her tears from her face as she felt the wind rush against her face. In her mind, she could see the clash of colors in the Department of Mysteries, the terrible beauty of the bright green flash approaching Sirius as he dueled his blood relative, his cousin. She could still remember the sight of him falling into the veil, she could still hear her own scream intermingled with Harry's as they watched the demise of Sirius Black who, to one of them was a father, and to the other, was her only real love.
With the first sincere smile she could remember wearing since his tragic death, she turned around and walked back toward the door that led to Sirius's bedroom, knowing that he was the force of the wind behind her; the wind that was gently pushing her in the right direction. And with a small smile and one last glance to the brightest star in the sky, that had somehow reappeared in the midst of air, she walked inside, knowing that she wouldn't be back in Sirius's room again.
Fin.
I'd appreciate reviews. This took me a good two hours to write. Hope you liked it!