Authors Note; First Higher Ground fic! Its from Shelby's point of view on things that happend since her being at Mount Horizon, and her view on her relationship with a certain someone... kinda angsty, yet totally fluffy at the end! Please read and review, thanks. And I own nothing - except the very ending. Song credit to Three Days Grace.
P A I N
Mount Horizon? Whenever I first heard the name, I pictured a sterilized hospital set in the middle of some city, where all the inmates spent a whole lotta' me time. I know, weird thing to picture when the places called MOUNT Horizon. But thats what a lot of these places were like. They used some outdoorsy name to draw in parents, claiming to be full of fresh air and outdoor activities, when in reality it bore more resemblance to a hospital then anything else. And the closest thing to outdoor activties were group sessions out on the freshly cut (and totally fake) grass, underneath one of the total three trees that were planted around the cement building.
But that wasn't Mount Horizon, that wasn't even close. When I stepped out of my mothers crap car and actually took in my surroundings, I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me that my jaw had been dropped to the ground. There was a wooden cabin, and a dirt road. There were trees, everywhere. And the worst part? I could see the hint of an actual mountain in the far distance, the shadow of it peaking out over the endless array of trees. A clinical rehab facility I could handle. Hell, I could chew up those staff members there and spit them out. But here, at a school that was in the actual wilderness? These guys were probably tough. I could just sense it in my bones, even before I saw the flanel wearing man in his early thirties step out of the wooden cabin and give me a friendly yet stern grin.
I watched patiently as he (Peter, so he said to call him. No sir, or Mr. Just Peter. I remember thinking what a huge freakin' hippie he was.) sorted through my belongings, in attempts to find drugs or anything I could try to kill myself with, I supposed. Needless to say, I wasn't suicidal. But I guess that didn't really matter. In the end he came up with nothing, and gave me a curious look. I knew from the moment that he started searching that he wouldn't find anything. I had nothing to hide; sure, drugs were a passtime of mine. But they just weren't my thing, and I wasn't about to get busted for trying to smuggle some pot into my new 'home'. I had ran because of my stepfather, not because I was a drug addict.
After that, everything happened in blurs and masses. We had group sessions, we actually went on hikes. We camped. We had buddy systems, and buddy hikes (where you had to find your way back to the school, alone.). The food sucked, but it was better then nothing. I think Peter knew that I would never run. Being at Horizon, it was a better place for me. Everything there was safe, and I had a roof over my head. No one could hurt me. Namely, my stepfather and those guys... those guys that paid to sleep with me.
Sure, I was plenty bruised. I would never be as peppy as Juliette or come to terms with and move on from my past as Katherine had. In those monthes before, before that one boy had come into my life, things were so much simpler. I was a hard shell that couldn't be cracked. No one bothered me because I was Shelby; The Bitch. They knew I'd kick their asses if they messed with me. But then he showed up, and everything changed. For once in my life I could imagine myself with a guy without getting an unnerving chill up my spine. Without flinching at the memories of my past. For once I thought I could actually be a little bit, just a little bit, happy.
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand
He hated me. Or at least he did to begin with (though I never really lost the feeling that there was a part of me he would always hate), those first few months that he was here. He started dating Jules, the homecoming queen princess, and it was so predictable. The football star and the pretty little rich girl. I bothered him endlessly, flirted nonstop just to get at his nerves. At first thats all it was for me. I flirted with all the guys, and he was just one of the conquests. Nothing more. The fact that he was with Juliette made me all the more interested. It was just a game.
But then I started to really notice him. The way he would smile at Jules and at the rest of the Cliffhangers, but how the smile would never seem to reach his eyes. The way he would tense up whenever Jules would try to go all cuddles with him and he wasn't expecting it. How his hair almost seemed golden in the light, and the look in his eyes whenever Peter asked him to lead the group in something. The look that just screamed, born leader.
Then the night came where he told me about his stepmother. That night is burnt into my memory, and I know that I'll never forget it. He had trusted me enough to tell me about his secrets, about his past. That was the moment I realized I might love him, actual, true love. But I soon realized that this shared knowledge about the ghosts in his closet would cause him to want to know all about the ones haunting mine. I wasn't ready to tell him about what I did, about the labels I had been given because of the way I had learned to survive. I knew that he would see me differently, and I think my biggest fear wasn't that he would leave me, but that he would stay with me and never look at me the same way. That he would still be there, with me, but that he would have this new image of me and that he would never see me as who I really am.
After he found out, our relationship was filled with many ups and downs. I left, I came back, we got together, he left. A memory I'll never forget is him coming back for me, for our Morp. That was the first time he had ever told me he loved me, and I really believed it at the time. I let myself get washed up in the thoughts of what could be and yet deep down I knew that they never would be. He left the next day, and though he attempted to keep in touch with me, I never replied. I couldn't. It would just be too hard. And so I stashed away his letters without reading them (I could never bring myself to actually trashing them) and I always came up with some reason to give Peter as to why I couldn't talk on the phone. Or, when he did make me take a call, I would put my ear to the speaker and act as if I were listening intently, before hanging up. Never did I say a word, and now I think that Peter knew what I was doing, but he wouldn't ever bring the topic up with me. I could tell that he knew how much pain I was in, and he didn't want to make it worse.
I know
That you're wounded
You know
That I'm here to save you
You know
I'm always here for you
I know
That you'll thank me later
Its graduation day. You have no idea how happy I am that its finally here, but a part of me (admittedly, its a pretty big part) wishes that it would just go away. That I could stay at Horizon forever. I know that this will probably be the last time I see some of the faces I had come to accept as my family. Juliette would most likely go off and marry some wealthy man and become a picture perfect housewife, and I'm more certain than not that she'll fall back into her old habits. I know that it will be practically impossible for me not to. I'm not so sure Auggie will be strong enough to not fall into step with his old ways, either. Ezra's the only one I'm certain will be able to move on. Don't ask me how I know, its just a feeling. But a strong one. I hope to God that I keep in touch with Daisy, because over these past two years she's become my best friend. Weird, right? Shelby Merrick with a best friend. But she was.
"Shelby! Someones here for you, in the front office." I toss a glance over my shoulder and take notice of a frantic Peter, trying to keep everything under control all the while trying to get my attention. I give him my usual grim smirk, lift my long blonde hair off my sweaty neck, and head off in the general direction of the offices. Graduation day was certainly one to be proud of, but Shelby felt for Peter. It was definitely a day filled with mass chaos.
I yank open the door to the office, wondering who might be here to see me. My mother was already here, she had been in the crowd with my younger sister as I had been handed my diploma. They had both left early though, my mother claiming that she needed to get back to work. She had told me that she would be back for me in three days, on the weekend, and that that was when I would be able to go home. I really didn't want to leave, but I figured we all had to go sometime. Everyone else in the Cliffhangers were leaving tonight or tomorrow morning, and those two extra days I had to spend here would be endlessly lonely ones. Whenever I looked at it that way, I realized that maybe it would actually be easier to just leave tonight. Never look back.
"Shelby." I hear someone state my name, quietly, but filled with emotion and grief. The voice was rough, as if the person had contemplated coming here, being in this moment in time, over and over again. I recognized the voice the second it had come out of the speakers mouth.
I turn around quickly, take in every single bit of his appearance. He hadn't changed. He had on some sports teams shirt and a pair of loose jeans. His hair was shorter, but it almost to seemed to be blonder then it had used to be. His eyes were just as blue, and an endless array of emotions overcame me as thos baby blues searched my own ocean eyes. Before I realize my actions, I'm running towards him, closing the ten or so feet between us, and he envelopes me into a huge hug. He's grasping my back, running his fingers through my long, tangled hair, and I've got my own arms wrapped around his neck. I don't know how long we stood here, but I know that whether it was seconds or minutes doesn't matter. This moment will be imprinted into my memory for years to come.
Suddenly I'm jerked back into time, and I push him away from myself, a scowl placed on my face. "Why are you here?" I ask bitterly, while a part of me in all honesty wants to know.
He looks at me, an upset look on his face. "The letters... The phone calls. You never..." He lets the statement trail on, and I wish he'd hurry up and fill this painful gap of silence. "Why." He says it as a statement, one that he doesn't really expect to get an answer to, but I decided to throw him a bone anyways.
"It was just too hard." I state simply, an honest look in my eyes, before explaining, "I just couldn't deal. So I ignored the calls. I never read the letters." He shook his head, the sad look in his eyes now replaced with anger.
"I really can't believe you. My God, Shelby. It was too hard for you? Do you ever think of anyone but yourself, huh? I went back home, to that empty house where everything happened to me. I slept in that bed..." He trailed off, before collecting himself and continuing, "I crossed paths with the kids that I used to get high with. Kids at my school looked at me differently, like they were seeing me as this delinquent kid undeserving of leading their football team to victory. Do you know how hard it was? I would think you would, you had gone through the same thing. Except you had your best friend to help you through it. Your best friend actually read your letters, she tried to understand your pain." He ran a hand over his tired face, before slumping back against the wall behind him. "Did you ever consider the fact that I might need my best friend? Thats I considered you as, Shel. My best friend. The fact that I love you... it just made the pain all the more worse."
"You love me." Its a statement, one that he knows he doesn't need to verify but still does.
"I think a part of me always has, ever since I first saw that grim look on your face. You acted so tough, but when you thought no one saw you, I did. I noticed the distant, scared look in your eyes. I wanted to be the one to make that look dissappear for good."
I smile at him, close the gap between us yet again, and place my lips against his. He loves me. Scott Berringer loves me. And I actually love him back. For real. Its an odd feeling, loving someone and knowing that they love you. But however odd it is, its an even greater feeling then that. Yeah, I know. Corny. But screw it. I guess I'm going to have to give in my title The Bitch and trade it in for The Corny Chick.
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain
I think the more you care for someone, the more pain they can make you feel. I loved Scott, and whenever he left I was overwhelmed with pain. I know he probably felt the same way. The people you least care about cause you the least amount of pain, but its still there. You can never really escape it. Pain is just like a rain cloud hanging overhead, completely taking you over at the worst moments possible. But then whenever theres pain, theres usually another feeling that comes soon before or soon after. Its usually love that comes before, but whether its anger or relief or jealousy or an endless number of emotions that come afterward, theres a number of emotions that come along with pain that make you smile and make you cry. Its never alone. And in the end, wouldn't your rather feel pain then nothing at all?