**WARNING: If you are new to my stories, and are not caught up to Chapter 48 of The Reason, I highly recommend you do not read this story just yet. Obviously, I can't stop you, but it will ruin an aspect of that story and if you're going to read The Reason, I would like you to get the full effect. That is all. -TLC

Author's Note: I know I'm spoiling you, but at least something good is coming out of this snowstorm. This is another oneshot from The Reason's timeline. It sheds a little light on Thane and Sloan's relationship, which I know some of you have wondered about. I have to thank Vorcha Girl... I can't say enough what her support has done for all the stories on my page. If you haven't read her work... well... shame on you. It's amazing. That being said... Enjoy... - TLC

The Long Goodbye

Sloan Shepard was restless and pacing in her quarters. An hour earlier she had given the order to head to the Omega 4 Relay. This was it. She had thought she knew what suicide missions felt like, especially after Ilos. She laid back on the couch in her room and closed her eyes. She took slow, deep breaths and tried in vain to relax. Her leg bounced and she could feel her heart racing in her chest. She thought about the tips Thane had given her, on meditation and how to calm herself down. Think of a time you were at peace. Think of a time you were happy, content.

'Will you stay?' She heard herself ask. She focused on the flimsy memory of his chest and shoulders beneath her hands, of his arms wrapping around her waist. She could almost feel the heat he produced. She could smell him. There was the tang of gun oil, and the bitter scent of eezo mixed with something spicy, and masculine, something that was familiar, comforting, and just… Kaidan.

'Always,' His voice had been rough, and low as his eyes locked with hers. She could almost feel the flush in her cheeks as she remembered the heat in his eyes. Then his lips were on hers and nothing else mattered. The rest of the night it was just him, the weight of his body on hers, the heat of his mouth on her skin, and the way he made her feel. Safe. Secure. Alive. She remembered the way his eyes flashed blue with the waves of biotic energy when he finally let go. She remembered thinking he was absolutely beautiful. Yes, he was rugged, handsome, and masculine, but he was also the most beautiful man she had ever seen. She had never felt as lucky as she did when he pressed his head against her chest and held her close.

"Shepard," EDI's disembodied voice rang out in her cabin, startling her out of her memory and bringing her back to the present. She realized, when she opened her eyes, she had nearly fallen asleep. She scrubbed her hands over her face and sat up, sighing. The remnants of the memories flitting away in the light of her cabin. She asked the AI what it wanted. "Thane has requested an audience with you, but your door is locked. Would you like me to allow him up?"

"Go ahead, EDI, thank you," She answered as she pulled the pins from her hair and ran her hands through the curls, smoothing them. She stood and stretched, lifting her arms above her head and bending back. Her spine popped and she straightened shaking out her limbs as the door to her cabin opened. Thane entered, his hands clasped behind his back and his large black eyes taking in the room. "Good evening, Thane," She offered him as he stepped in and down the stairs to the couch. She fell back onto the seat, lifting a leg and tucking it beneath her. The Drell followed suit, sitting stiffly beside her and resting his arms on his lap. "Did you need something?" She asked softly.

"No, Siha," He paused, "I wanted to check on you," He admitted. His gravel voice was quiet. She had grown very comfortable with the Drell, more comfortable than she thought she would have been with an assassin. He had taken notice when she was running herself into the ground, and forced her to take a few moments for herself. When she had nearly snapped under the pressure, he had taken her hands in his and taught her to breathe, and keep herself calm. It had made her uncomfortable at first. Then he had asked her what it had been like – on the other side.

They spoke at length about what she could remember from the time between Alchera and waking up on the Lazarus Station. She hadn't been sure at first how much of it was actual memories and how much were dreams. He had helped her decipher it, and they shared their beliefs on the afterlife. He was the one new crew member she appreciated, and truly trusted. When she had to go to Afterlife to face the Ardat Yakshi, she had been terrified. There were still moments she wished she could leave this life behind and just go back into that sleep. She was afraid the murderous Asari would see that, and exploit that weakness. He had helped her find her strength, and in the end, promised to be at her side the whole time – even if she wouldn't see him.

She remembered blushing when she had walked up to him at the airlock dressed up to attract the attention of the Ardat Yakshi, Kasumi's short black dress, and Miranda's too-high heels. Thankfully, Joker's crass humor had broken the moment and put her at ease. It was then, when Thane had tucked her hand in the bend of his arm that she first felt the gnawing guilt in her core. She was afraid she was unintentionally leading him on – but he had never said anything, or acted on her suspicion, so she told herself she had imagined it.

"I'm alright," She lied, and when he trained his eyes on hers she had a feeling he didn't believe her. "You know, you never did tell me what Siha means," She deflected his concern. She had the feeling he knew she was changing the subject, but was glad when he allowed it. He sighed, and leaned back on the couch, crossing his legs, ankle to knee.

"I would need to explain myself to you first," He admitted and she ran a hand through her hair as she looked at him. "When I married Irikah, I was allowed to leave my service as an assassin to raise a family, but I had no other skills. So, I freelanced. When Irikah was killed, I pursued those responsible. Once I'd eliminated them, I had no goal, no reason to live. I accepted the Dantius commission because I didn't know what else to do," He admitted gently, as his eyes searched her face openly.

Shepard dropped her eyes. She was familiar with the feeling, and felt slightly hypocritical when she spoke, "That's not the healthiest attitude to take on a mission."

"You're right, it's not." It was silent for a long time, and she felt his eyes on her. Why did he have to be so fuckin perceptive? Thankfully, he continued, "Looking back now, it's clear I'd resigned myself to death. I would have fulfilled my contract and if Nassana's guards caught me afterwards, so be it. It would have been a good death… but someone else was pushing to reach the target. Forcing me to move faster. Challenging me. I had to reach her first," His admission was gentle, and her eyes lifted to his.

"I had no idea you'd planned to die in there," She whispered, feeling thankful, now, that she had reached Nassana first. Thane had proved invaluable on the mission. Not only as a member of her crew, but he had become a friend to her. He meant a lot to her; he had helped her deal with her lost time in a way no one else had been able to. She didn't know what she would have done without him.

"It wasn't a plan," He corrected, "My body had accepted its death. My mind had been dead a long time, but when I dropped into that room, I met another Siha. Few are privileged to meet even one," He admitted, and she looked away. His stare was making her uncomfortable. She was suddenly afraid of the direction this conversation was taking.

"You still haven't told me what a Siha is," She whispered, her eyes on her hands. She picked at her perfect cuticles.

"One of the warrior angels of the goddess Arashu. Fierce in wrath. A tenacious protector," He explained, and she felt herself blush. She let the silence hang between them. She didn't want to answer him. She didn't want to hurt him, "I confess I've … come to care for you," His admission was soft, but his intent was clear when his hand reached out and brushed against her cheek. She couldn't help but flinch as she pulled away from him, "Perhaps I'm being foolish. We are very different." There was a tinge of embarrassment in his voice as he pulled his hand back, and Shepard hated herself for it.

"We are very different people, Thane. I wouldn't be able to replace Irikah," She whispered. She didn't want to hurt him. She cared for him, too, but his feelings were clearly deeper than hers.

He sighed, and sat forward again, resting his arms on his legs. "You wouldn't have," He promised, and she looked to him. His voice was almost pleading when he continued. "You can love more than one in a lifetime," He assured, and she just shook her head dropping her eyes again. "I'll respect your wishes, and I won't speak of it again," He promised, gently.

"Thane, I do care about you," She insisted, and he smiled sadly. "It's just that-"

"It is different for me, Irikah is gone. Your Kaidan is still here. I assume you hope for a reconciliation," He asked, and she sighed, scrubbing her hands over her face.

"I don't know that it's an option, but I want to hope that it might be," She explained. It was that hope that had been born when she received his message. It was that hope that brought her this far.

"He would be a fool not to accept you back into his life," Thane insisted, and Shepard smiled sadly. She really didn't want to talk about Kaidan right now. She had a hard time believing she would ever see him again. She hated that the last time she had seen him, he had been so angry. She wished, momentarily, for the ability the Drell have. To relive memories. She would give anything to go back to their time in Vancouver. To fall asleep sated and happy, and to wake up in his arms feeling protected. She had to face reality, though, the chances of her returning from the Relay were slim. She was startled out of her somber thoughts when Thane spoke again, "I hope it won't offend you if I carry you in my heart," He asked and she looked up at him.

"You honor me," She answered, and he smiled gently.

"I will leave you to your meditations," He promised as he stood. "Sleep well, Siha," He offered as he stood and left her quarters. She watched him go feeling an odd ache in her chest. She stood and went to her terminal.

"EDI?" She called out gently, her voice hesitant and thick with unspent emotion.

"Yes, Shepard?" The blue orb that represented the AI's presence appeared to her left.

"I trust you, do you know that?" She asked the AI. It was a few heartbeats later when it responded.

"I had assumed so, but it is … nice to hear," EDI answered, the orb blinking quickly, "Is there something I can do for you?"

"I need a secure extranet connection," Shepard requested. Seconds later it opened on her terminal. "Thank you, EDI."

"You're welcome, Shepard," EDI answered and the orb in the corner winked out, leaving her alone in the room once again. Shepard performed an image search on the net. She entered, 'Search=Images+Kaidan+Alenko+Systems+Alliance.' Within seconds her screen was filled with pictures of Kaidan. Stock photos from the Alliance, even press shots from events. There were a few of him on the Citadel. Most of them, however, were close ups of his face from the Alliance. She smiled sadly, and her hand reached out and traced his jaw on her screen. She let out a deep, shaky breath. She missed him.

She had done all she could to confirm for them that she was alive, but still the Alliance, Anderson, and Kaidan had pushed her away. In reality, her life had ended over Alchera. There was nothing left for her here. Part of her wished she hadn't run into Kaidan on Horizon. When The Illusive Man had told her he was there, and that the Collectors were on their way, her only thought had been saving him, making sure they didn't get him. Then she had seen him, and she had been surprised by the rush of emotions that ran through her. Then he left her.

He claimed it was difficult for him to move on, and she hoped it would be easier for him this time. Maybe that was why she had to see him, so he could have that anger, so he would be okay once she was gone again. It wasn't like Cerberus would spend the money a second time. Now that she was alone, she let herself admit it. She had about a day left before she would return to the darkness. She would return to her family, and the peace she had been ripped from. She stood and moved to the living area of her quarters. She fell onto the couch and pulled the covers over her head. She lost herself in the memories she held so close. The night before Ilos. Vancouver. The night before Alchera. She thought of the way he'd kissed her, held her, made love to her. Then, she fell asleep.

The next day, she would do what she could to make sure her crew survived – even though she had no intention of returning.