Disclaimer: blah. Blah. Blah. We all know that no one can compare to Jo's awsomeness and it would be foolish to try!
Snape's P.O.V
Hmm. I just can't decide. I absolutely HATE making decisions! It's so hard. It also doesn't help that I'm extremely indecisive. Perhaps if I get the cucumbers now, I can come back for the tomatoes later. Unless –
"Would you hurry up already?" Snape turned around; there was a least ten other people in line for the salad bar. They were standing there, some patiently others, not so much.
"Hold on!" Snape said angrily. He turned around to face the bar again. He couldn't decide if he wanted tomatoes on his salad, or cucumbers. He already the leaves (the main part, obviously), the nuts, all the right seasonings, as well as the various dressing. But he just couldn't decide whether he wanted the cucumbers or the tomatoes.
"Hey! Buddy," a beefy man at least a foot taller than he, was standing right behind Snape, started getting restless. "Some of us want to eat before we lose our teeth!" He yelled. Snape took a deep breath and spoke in a somewhat calm voice.
"Why don't you just be patient? The salad bar isn't going anywhere." Snape said. He was about to turn back, when the beefy man grabbed a hold of Snape's shoulder. He violently spun him around.
"Why don't you just go to the back of the line so that the rest of us can get our share?" The man screamed in his face. The watching crowd behind cheered. Snape wiped the spittle that landed on his face.
"There is no need to be aggressive! I am almost finished with my decision." Snape said, pushing the man's hand away from his shoulder.
"Almost isn't good enough!" The man said, drawing his fist back. Before Snape had time to react, the man hit him square in the jar. Snape staggered backward, clutching his face. He stood up, looking at the blood that had come off on his hand from his nose. Snape looked at his attacker, trying his best to control the urge to do magic. (A/N; they are in a muggle restaurant)
"You are going to wish you never did that…" Snape said softly. The beefy man, as well as the crowd laughed at his remark.
"What are you going to do? Wipe your greasy hair all over me? I have enough in my cheeseburger, thank you very much!" The beefy man (by the way, his name is Francis) laughed at his own stupid remark. Snape raised his eyebrows. He reached into his pocket and took out a chain mail glove. Francis and the crowd stopped laughing, and gazed at the curious glove. Snape stepped closer to the man, lifted the glove to one side, and slapped Francis hard across the face. The crowd gasped. The man looked at Snape, an angry red spot appearing on his left cheek.
"You dare struck me?" The man yelled. He leaned over to the bread bar (if only there was such a thing!) and grabbed a long, hard French bread stick. He held it like a baseball bat, took aim, and swung at Snape. But Snape was quicker; he took hold of the stick at the last second, ripped it out of Francis's hand and snapped it over his leg.
"You think you're so tough! But you've got another thing coming!" Francis picked up the nearest chair and threw it in Snape's direction. Snape was trapped between the bar and a table; his instinct told him to whip out his wand, which he did so reluctantly. He thought a silent spell, and the table was redirected towards Francis, crashing down on him.
Everything happened so fast, no one noticed the wand. They were too awestruck at what happened. A few of the onlookers rushed to Francis's side. Others back away, looking around them, trying to find the unknown phenomenon that did this. Snape quickly shoved his wand back in his pocket, and turned back to the bar. Francis, however, had other plans on his mind.
He slowly got up (a little too dramatic, if you ask me) and stared daggers at the back of Snape's head. He looked like a bull about ready to charge, minus the smoke coming out of his nostrils. He gave a high pitched roar and charged at Snape, his arms outstretched. Snape, too entranced by those damn vegetables, didn't even see what was coming. He fell face first on the hard tile floor, Francis's ginormous body on top of his. He felt all the wind knocked out of him.
"Oi! What do you two think you are doing?" One of the security guards had made his way over to the commotion. He forced himself through the dense crowd (it had gotten many teenage supporters encouraging the two) and grabbed the two by their necks. He lifted the two onto their feets.
"What the 'ell is going on 'ere?" He yelled in their faces. Snape tried (and failed) to wiggled out of the man's tight grip. Francis, however, was more successful.
"Unhand me, you buffoon! He started this whole fiasco!" Snape yelled. The security guard (lets call him Jeff) got right into Snape's face, his eyes buldging.
"What did you call me?" He asked in an angrily calmed voice. Snape pulled back a little.
"I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I only want you to listen to what I have to say." Snape said, hoping he was making the situation a little better. Jeff let go of him, but did not step back. He needs a serious breath mint Snape thought to himself.
"Alright than. What exactly happened here?" Jeff asked, crossing his arms.
"Ok, so it happened like this –'
Random Flashback to 15 minutes ago (when it all started)
Should I get the tomatoes, or the cucumbers -
"Hey! Devilishly handsome man!" Snape turned around; there was a crowd of sex-crazed women, giving him THE STARE. (You know what stare I'm talking about.) There was a flabby man with a fat ass (and nerdy glasses) standing behind him. Snape looked at him.
"Yes? How can I help you?" Snape asked politely. The man stepped up to him.
"You need to hurry up! Some of us want to eat before we lose our teeth!" The man said. Snape seized the man up and down. He was big, but most of it was fat. He stepped out of the way.
"Forgive me for saying so, sir, but I daresay you could do with some salad, and fast!" Snape said. He started to walk away. The fat man's (let's call him Bradley) face grew red with both anger and embarrassment.
"What did you say to me, pig?" Bradley shouted. Snape stopped in his tracks. He slowly turned around.
"Pig? If you want to talk insults, my good sir, it is you who looks as if he has eaten a pig!" Snape said. He stood there for a moment, watching the Bradley's face contort in rage. He grabbed the nearest chair and threw it in Snape's direction. Snape ducked in time, but the leg just barely nicked him on the cheek.
"Oh no you didn't just damage his flawless face!" One of the on-looking girl's yelled. They all turned on Bradley and jumped on him, starting to beat him up.
Abrupt end of flashback
"That's not what happened!" Francis said. "For one thing, my name isn't Bradley, and I am not fat! Look at these muscles!" He pulled up the sleeve of his shirt and started flexing. Well, I hate to admit; they are pretty impressive. Francis pulled his sleeve down and looked back at Snape. "And you certainly aren't handsome!" He said with relish. The guard turned to look at Snape; he was smiling a creepy smile.
"Well, I wouldn't say that…" Jeff (the guard) said, continuing to smile at Snape. Snape recoiled from his stare.
"Ok, well, I think I'm going to go –"
"Not so fast! You must be punished!" Francis said, starting to turn red once more. Jeff turned to look at him.
"And why would I do that? From what he has told me, you started the whole fight!" Jeff said, staring angrily at Francis. Snape smiled behind Jeff's back while Francis exploded into a fit of rage.
"Are you kidding me? Do I like how he described me? I don't have glasses and my ass is not fat!" Francis yelled. "Don't you want to hear my side of the story, or at least listen to the actual witnesses?" Francis said, almost pleadingly. The guard looked at him once more.
"Are you telling me how to do my job, sir?" Jeff asked in a not-so-kind voice.
"Yes. You obviously don't know how to do it!" Francis screamed back at him. Jeff's face was that of a wrestler who didn't get enough fiber before a big wrestling match. (It's important for them, you know; helps their bones stay nice and strong. Or is that milk?) he stood up to his full height, and it seemed like he was growing.
"Oh my God!" One of the one lookers screamed. "He's turning into a monster!" She screamed and ran away, as did everyone else. Except Snape and Francis, that is. They remained where they were, too awestruck by what was happening.
"What did you do, you freak?" Francis yelled at Snape, never taking his off of the now ten foot tall Jeff. Snape looked at Francis and stared at him. That's it; just…stared at him. As if he were the most fascinating thing in the world. Oblivious to the world and the freakishly tall Jeff that he suspected had a crush on him by the way he was eyeing his package; no, not the one that was lying on the table, that he suspected one of the one lookers stole. The one that was permanently attached to his waist. Yeah. That's the one I'm taking about.
"You can't really think that I had anything to do with this?" Snape asked the strange man who he suspected had failed the third grade by the way his shoes were horribly tied in what he thought might have been bunny ears, probably because of that song he tried to learn with the stupid bunny that he now suspected may have only been in it for the crack because come on, really? Why would you want to have your ears tied up like loops?
"Just shut up and get us out of here!" Francis screamed, true terror now resounded in his voice. Snape looked around, trying to think of what to do. He knew he couldn't use his wand again, especially since this muggle was right here. He looked desperately around, until…he saw something shining red, just under one of the table-clothed tables. He made a mad dash for them, just barely missing getting squashed by the rampaging Jeff who he suspected was cheated on by his hus – wife and is now going through a horrible divorce and is stressed out, and it also didn't help that someone took the last Boston Crème donut that very morning because they knew he wanted it even though he asked politely if it could be saved knowing the person who stole it was a complete jerk because he used to get picked on when he was in school for his buck teeth so now he's just being a jerk in return because karma truly is a bitch who was in PMS mode that day because her boyfriend was just being an ass for no reason pertaining to this event in which is happening right now and has nothing to do with what I just randomly ranted about.
"Where are you going?" Francis yelled confusedly, looking around for Snape's greasy head. Snape had just reached the tables. He bent down and retrieved what he was looking for; the red slippers that he knew would take him back home. He took off his shoes and slipped his big, beefy feet into the elegant shoes. He clapped his heels together, chanting "There's no place like Hogwarts. There's no place like Hogwarts. There's no place like Hogwarts." Snape opened eyes, not realizing he ever closed them because the author was getting tired at 2:40 in the morning writing this not realizing she forgot to put that he shut his eyes because it makes more sense keeping them closed because having them opened just ruins the surprise. He was still in the restaurant.
"Shit!" Snape said under his breath. Just then, he looked up; right when Jeff was about to step on his head.
"AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!"
A/N: By the by, this is chapter uno of what's to come! So….you better prepare yourself…..ok so I just want to add that I won't submit the next chapter until I have at least 5 POSITIVE reviews! So get to it please!