Pein's Evil Council of Doom
A/N: Well, it's been a long time since I wrote a fanfic (or, you know, worked on finishing my other one…). My procrastination problem aside, here is my newest attempt at humor. Yes, the title is a reference to Yugioh Abridged. Note: I'll be making a lot of obscure references. If you want clarification, just look at the number in the parentheses and scroll down to the end where I'll have all the explanations in chronological order. Warning: crude humor, yaoi references, mentions of incest, and spoilers. Consider yourselves warned by… you know… the warning. Yeah. So here we go. Enjoy.
It was a wet, rainy day in the Rain Village, as it was most everyday. Pein, the leader of the most powerful criminal organization in the entire world, was lounging in his cold stone room, reading PeinKonan fanfictions and dreaming happily. As he absorbed the smutty, citrusy goodness of poorly-written attempts at lemons, his cell phone buzzed. He checked it and saw that he had a text from Deidara. Frowning, he wondered what could possibly be more important than his sad excuse for a Monday afternoon. He flipped open his Motorola Razr, and made a mental note to ask Kakuzu for an iPhone. No, he corrected himself, Not ask. Command. I'm the leader.
It's a good thing Tobi wasn't in his head to ruin his moment.
He translated the chat speak and "hm"s out, and managed to get the message "Call a meeting. I've figured out a way we can find the nine-tails Jinchuuriki. One." No, wait, that was supposed to be an exclamation point. Or, maybe Deidara was saying that he had figured out one way to find the Kyuubi host. He pondered this, before deciding that the former was probably true. Oh well, might as well call a meeting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nine Akatsuki Holograms Later ~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oi, why the fuck did you call this damn meeting?" Hidan demanded. "I was busy!" Indeed, he had a holographic pike sticking out of his chest. Pein mused that Hidan must be very, very grown-up(1).
"Deidara requested it," he said simply. "Now, Deidara, tell us your idea about how to find the nine-tails Jinchuuriki." And make it good, he added mentally. You have no idea what you interrupted.
Deidara flipped his thick, lustrous hair out his hair out of his adorable face, his sky-blue eyes meeting all of his potential love-interests through his dark lashes. God, he hated this writer. "It's simple, hm," he said proudly. "We follow his Twitter."
There was a moment of stunned silence.
"You've got to be kidding me," Itachi muttered.
"It's brilliant!" Pein exclaimed.
Itachi blinked. "You've got to be kidding me," he repeated.
"Don't you see, Itachi?" Pein began, before being interrupted by Hidan saying," No, he can't". Pein waited for the laughter to stop and for Itachi to stop radiating killer's intent. After the first one happened he decided to continue anyway. "By following his Twitter, we can know what he does, when he does it, and who he's doing it with."
"I've seen the kid," Kisame said helpfully. "I really don't think he's doing it with anyone."
Pein once again had to wait for the laughter to die down. "That's not what I meant," Pein explained patiently. "I mean we can follow his every move, whether it be sexual or not."
"Oh," Kisame said, nodding slowly. "I get it now."
"Who is so conceited that they think people want to know every little thing they're doing at every single moment?" Kakuzu grumbled. "More importantly, what ninja would do that? Isn't the entire point of a being a ninja to be mysterious and stealthy? Now that I think about it, why do ninja wear headbands? Shouldn't we want to not be able to be identified in any way, shape, or form?"
There was a moment of silence.
"Says the guy who has a Facebook," Hidan pointed out.
"Shut up! Everyone has a Facebook!" Kakuzu snapped defensively.
"It's true," Pein agreed. "How else would we be able to know how our missions are going? I didn't find out about Sasori until he updated his status to 'dead'."
"And I didn't know about Orochimaru leaving until he left our Facebook group," Kisame added helpfully.
"I can't believe what this organization has come to," Itachi muttered.
"I can't believe Sasori-danna really died, hm," Deidara said sadly.
"I can't believe it's not butter!" Tobi said happily.
Konan, being just about the only character acting in character, stayed stoically silent.
"Anyway, great idea Deidara," Pein said graciously.
"You know," Zetsu's dark side began, "We could pretend to be his parents and buy him the Loopt app(2)," his light side continued. "Then we can track him by GPS."
"His parents are dead," Itachi intoned.
"So?" Hidan said. "Halloween is right around the corner. He'll just assume that we're the ghosts of his dead parents trying to look after him. I know that's what I'd think if my sister sent me a letter or something."
Deidara looked at him. "You have a sister, hm?"
He shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah. I killed her ages ago(3). I still have her body though, for when I get lonely."
Itachi looked at him in disgust.
"Oh, who are you to judge?" Hidan snapped. "I know you're hot for your little brother. What was his name… Gary-Stew(4)?"
"Sasuke," Itachi corrected," And I wasn't judging you for the incest."
Pein cleared his throat. "So, to get back to business, we're going to follow his Twitter, and buy him the Loopt app for his… for his…"
Inside of his head, toast popped up, well done and ready to be buttered(5).
"THE KYUUBI HOST HAS AN IPHONE AND I DON'T?!?!?!?"
Everyone in the room winced at the explosion from their normally-calm leader. Rain was pounding the streets, rain was falling down… and somewhere, Hillary Duff was having a field day(6).
"HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET ONE?! HE'S AN ORPHAN!"
"So are you," Itachi pointed out.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Pein," Konan said gently," calm down. If you do, I'll clean all your piercings… with my tongue." So much for her being in character.
Pein, suddenly feeling inexplicably calmer, cleared his throat. "Sorry, everyone. I don't know what came over me."
"I think Konan offered to come over you," Kisame said helpfully.
"That's not what I meant, Kisame, but thank you for your contribution."
"Deidara-senpai, where do babies come from?" Tobi asked.
Oh, you're good, Madara, Pein thought spitefully. You think nobody knows who you are, but I do. I know. Shortly after this train of thought, Pein remembered that Madara had told him who he was. Whoops.
"I'll tell you when you're older, hm," Deidara said evasively.
He's almost a hundred years old, Pein thought silently. Just how old do you want him to get?
Suddenly, amidst the silence, Cobra Starship's "I Kissed a Boy"(7) blared.
"Who's cell phone is that?" Pein growled.
"Mine," Itachi said simply, taking it out and flipping it open. "Hi Sasuke."
"Ooh! Ooh! Put it on speaker!" Kisame jumped up and down.
Itachi sighed. "You're on speaker, foolish little brother." He hit the button.
"I'm going to kill you!" Sasuke's voice came scratchily through the phone. "I've been honing my skills in the flames of passion(8), and you don't stand a ghost of a chance(9)!"
Hidan laughed. "Dude, we were just talking about ghosts!"
"Who's that?" Sasuke asked.
"Hidan," Itachi said apathetically.
"Hi Hidan," Sasuke said. "Anyway, as I was saying before, I'm going to kill you! And you're going to die from it!"
"As flattered as I am that you took the time away from your sex slavery for Orochimaru to call me, you can't possibly kill me," the older Uchiha said in a bored voice. "And do you know why? Because, for the hundredth time, you lack hatred. Ok?
"No I don't!" Sasuke protested.
"Yes, you do."
"Nuh-uh!"
"I'm not going to get into that childish game."
"Yeah-huh!" Kisame shouted.
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yeah-huh!"
"Will you two shut up?!" Itachi screamed for the first time since… well, ever.
There was another stunned silence.
"… Do you want me to blow you too?" Konan offered.
Itachi sighed. "No, I'm good. Thanks though."
"Will you two shut up?!" Kakuzu screamed.
"No. Just no," Konan said plainly.
"Dammit." He looked at Hidan.
"Hell no! Stop asking!"
"Double dammit."
Itachi rubbed his temple. "Look, Sasuke, don't you have a snake to tame or something?"
"Not until 5:30, no."
"Hey Sasuke," Hidan said," Do you follow Naruto's Twitter?"
"The dobe? Yeah, of course. Why?"
"Oh well we were going to use it to capt—"
"To buy him cookies," Pein interrupted forcefully., making the ix-nay gesture.
"Oh, he'll love that. Or, you could buy him a gift certificate to his favorite ramen stand."
"Yeah, thanks for the tips, Sasuke," Pein said, glaring at Hidan who shrugged apologetically.
"Wait, why do you want to buy him stuff?"
"Uh…" Kisame said.
Itachi stepped in. "We just figured since Pein is secretly his dad and everything…"
"And I'm Obito!" Tobi said cheerfully.
Quick thinking, Uchiha boys, Pein thought approvingly. Confuse him with fake theories.
"Oh. That makes sense then."
"Yeah, Sasuke, we're kind of having a meeting so if you could call me later I'd really appreciate it. Or, if you wanted, you could call me never so I wouldn't have to hear your whiney-ass voice."
"But then how would I tell you about how I'm going to kill you and stuff?"
"Yeah. That would be such a loss," Itachi said sarcastically.
"Hang on, Orochimaru-sama! Look, Itachi I have to go. I'll call you tomorrow, kay?"
"Sure," Itachi said miserably.
"I hate you."
"I hate you too, little brother."
"Bye."
"Bye."
Itachi snapped his phone closed and rubbed his aching temples.
"He does that everyday?" Konan asked sympathetically.
Itachi nodded sadly.
"Oh please, like you have it bad, hm," Deidara glared. "Have you seen the fanfictions about me and him? Disgusting, hm."
Itachi glared. "Uchihacest is one of the most popular pairings in fanfiction. You don't have any right to complain."
"Stop whining," Hidan snapped. "At least Sasuke is uke and moderately attractive. I get paired up with Kakuzu, and he gets to be seme!"
Kakuzu looked around nervously, quickly hiding his notebook behind his back. "Yeah… those crazy writers…" He quickly scribbled down a few more lines then hid it again.
Pein glared at each and every one of them who wasn't Konan. "Do any of you even remember why I called this meeting?"
"I do," Zetsu said.
"That's nice. Anyone who matters?" Pein asked.
"I do," Itachi said.
"That's nice. Anyone who doesn't have a little brother?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"I'm the leader! What I say goes!"
Shut up, Madara, Pein thought angrily, able to envision the eldest Uchiha's smirk that was hidden behind that pumpkin mask that was suddenly kind of appropriate now that Halloween was around the corner.
"Speaking of which," he continued," Kakuzu! Buy me an iPhone ASAP!"
"They're expensive!" Kakuzu whined.
"I AM THE LEADER!"
"Can't you at least wait until Christmas?"
"You mean Jashinmas," Hidan corrected.
"No, I really don't."
"Will you two shut up?!" Pein screamed.
Konan looked at him. "Would you like two?"
"Yes, yes I would. Thank you Konan."
"My pleasure."
A few seconds later, Kisame burst out laughing. "I get it," he said. "She said 'my pleasure' because it's sexual."
"Yes, Kisame, congratulations for figuring it out," Pein said not so patiently.
Suddenly, Adema's "Immortal" blared through the weird stone cave/meeting room.
Pein sighed. "Do I even have to ask whose cell phone that is?"
"Hang on," Hidan said, flipping it open. "Hey, Temari Baby. Daddy's in a meeting right now. I'll come by later so you can please me, okay? Okay. Bye babe." He hung up, smiling with satisfaction.
"Why is Temari screwing you, hm?" Deidara asked. "You're part of the organization that killed her brother."
Hidan just laughed. "You just don't get it, Deidara. That's like asking, 'why is Ino screwing me, even though I killed her sensei?' It's because of all that. Girls love bad boys. Of course, it also doesn't hurt that I've got a sexy, toned chest, and that I don't wear a shirt."
Pein sighed. He was doing that quite a lot these days. "Hidan scoring aside, can we please get back to business?"
"What's there to get back to?" Itachi asked. "We've already decided what we're going to do. There's nothing left to discuss."
Pein's mouth hung open. "You mean… that I didn't have to stay here for the last half hour and deal with the overwhelming stupidity of my supposedly feared organization, while I could have been getting head from the girl of my dreams?"
"Yes," Itachi said. "That's exactly what I'm saying."
"!!!!!"
Konan glared at Itachi slightly. "Give my mouth a break, will you?" She clapped once. "Meeting adjourned."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Later, at the Akatsuki base ~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi Itachi!" Tobi greeted cheerfully.
"No one's here," Itachi said plainly. "You can be Madara."
He took off his mask, the genjutsu dissolving around him to reveal his long, spiky hair, and face that hadn't aged since it was 30. "You know, Itachi," he said, stepping forward, "Uchihacest doesn't have to be between you and your little brother."
Itachi glared at his ancestor. "Shut up and get inside of me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fin ~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: Now kids, the moral of this story is that homosexuality is a natural thing, as well as incest and necrophilia. Another moral is that you should always review what you read. But most of all, the moral is that Masashi Kishimoto is wrong, and that Madara still looks like his young, sexy self.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reference Guide ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pein's religion thingy is that pain makes you grow up.
Loopt is an application for the iPhone that allows friends to see your GPS position
That's another fanfic that I've been meaning to finish. When I do, I'll post it. Yay, incest.
Gary-Stew=Male Mary-Sue. Seriously, have you been reading the recent manga?!
A Spongebob Reference. In one episode, instead of a light turning on, toast pops up in Patrick's head.
Reference to Hilary Duff's song "Come Clean"
It's Katy Perry's song's Bisexual Brother
Reference to Eddie Rath's song "Sasuke"
Reference to Yugioh Abridged
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