Summary and Disclaimer: This isn't a songfic but the lines "I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself" and "I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel" are from the song The Pros and Cons of Breathing by Fall Out Boy. That's also where the title is from. This is a goodbye letter from Hermione. Use your imagination to figure out who it's to. I obviously don't own Harry Potter or anything from Fall Out Boy. But it'd be a great life if I did.
The Pros and Cons of Breathing
Hi.
I know this is a little sudden…okay, very sudden, but I can't do this anymore. I know we both agreed this "relationship" would be just a physical one but I'm not able to deal with that anymore. I can't keep doing this to myself. This has to end. Now.
Actually, for a while now I've been contemplating on whether or not to break it off. But it was so hard to do it because I knew once I said it was over to you and not just to myself, then it'd actually be over. It kills me to think about you. It destroys me to know that I'll never be anything but sex to you. It's just too damn hard to keep having sex with you when I know that's all it will ever be. It's not right for me to have one of the most personal and intimate experiences someone can have in life with someone who doesn't give a damn about me…no matter how good it feels. When we're together we shouldn't just be fucking, we should be making love.
The reason I think it was so difficult to do this before is because I still really want to continue the physical part of the relationship. But I can't do that to myself. I can't have sex with you unless there's something more there. I need something…anything. I don't even know what if feels like to have sex with someone you love that loves you back. I hope you understand that. I'm really sorry. Don't think that this has anything to do with you, because it doesn't. Not really. You did nothing wrong. We had an unspoken agreement that this would just be sex. I knew that. We both did.
Don't get me wrong. The sex was great. You were great. But now my feelings are too strong. It hurts me so bad to see you with other girls. It kills me to hear you talk about other girls that you want and it's so painful to think about the fact that you'd probably want to kiss them and hold them the way that I want you to do with me. I know you'll never be that way with me. You know that you're truly fucked up when you've been intimate with every body part of another person except their lips.
I'm not trying to scare you or anything. I'm not in love with you. I don't really think I even want a real relationship with you. But it's not healthy for me to be in this kind of relationship because I can't handle it. It's not that I want you to be with just me and never talk to any other girls, because you're not the only guy in my life. But I'd rather you not flirt with them right in front of me. I'm jealous. I know that, and I'm sure you know that.
I'm not stupid. I want you to know that I do realize that you never really had feelings for me. I know that you didn't want me because you wanted me. You wanted me because I was there. I often wonder if you thought about someone else when we were intimate. But I also know that I really don't want to know if you did.
I couldn't even fool myself into thinking that you would want me the way you want others. I realize now that the things you said to me in the beginning weren't true. You just said them to get me to sleep with you. I think I really knew that all along. I just forced myself to believe what you said.
I did enjoy what we had when we had it. When you were inside me and we were together, I felt a real connection with you. It wasn't just a physical connection. You probably never felt the same.
The worst part of it is that I know our friendship is ruined. And I hate that. I was so glad that we were able to build a friendship after everything that had happened in the past, but now I can't ever look at you the same. I wish now that we would have never had sex. I want it to go back to the way it was before. I liked it better before. I didn't cry over you or get jealous of other girls that you liked. It didn't kill me that you didn't have feelings for me. But now it does.
I can't be friends with you anymore because it just hurts too damn much. I wish you had been right. You promised me that if we had sex nothing would change. But you were wrong. Everything changed. I'm not sure if you knew that you weren't telling the truth when you made that promise to me. But it's okay. I don't blame you. I don't think I have a right to blame you.
To tell you the truth, I wanted to be angry with you. I wanted to hate you. But I couldn't and I still can't. I wish I could hate you half as much as I hate myself. You'll never really know how much you hurt me. Just know that I did care about you and I don't hate you, even though I tried so hard to.
I did feel odium for you somewhat at times. The fact that you act like you don't even know me around other people really makes me sick. Do you know how bad it hurts to have someone treat you like that, but then expect for you to be ready to fuck them as soon as they're horny? Sometimes I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel.
I know you never loved me. I'm not even sure if you ever liked me. When we became friends I never thought it'd come to this. I wish it hadn't. But it did, and it's too late to take it all back. Believe me, I wish like hell that I could. I don't know if you realized it, but after we had sex you changed towards me. You did act differently. I don't know why or if you did it consciously but it hurt. A lot.
I'm just not one of those people who can have sex without any feelings attached. I thought I could be. But I can't. This isn't good for my self-esteem. That's one reason I'm breaking it off. Ever since the first time we had sex my self-esteem has been slowly wearing away. I feel like a whore. The whole situation isn't good for me mentally or emotionally, no matter how great it is for me physically.
I never told you this but at one point I thought I was pregnant. Don't worry, I ended up not being pregnant but when I believed I was it scared the hell out of me. I knew I couldn't have a kid with you because that child would be so fucked up it's not even funny. You can't give me what I need, and that's fine. But if you couldn't do that, I knew you couldn't give our baby what it needed. Thank God I wasn't knocked up.
I find me asking myself "What have I done?" a lot. I should have kept saying no to you every time you asked me to sleep with you. Why didn't I keep saying no? That's a silly question. I know why. I wanted you. But I've lost my friend that I cared a lot about and now I'm asking "Was it worth it?" I can't answer that, because I'm torn. I regret the fact that I've lost you as a friend, but at the same time I loved how you made me feel when we were together and I don't ever want to forget that. Those memories will probably haunt me forever though because it hurts to think about it. I don't know how you feel about all this. Maybe you should ask yourself if it was worth it to you.
I should have known that this would end with me feeling this way. After all, the first time you asked me to have sex with you, you're exact words were: "Do you wanna fuck?" Calling it "fucking" isn't the most romantic thing in the world. Of course, romance never had anything to do with it.
I'm really going to miss you. You don't know how weird that is for me to say because of the fact that we basically hated each other when we first met. I never thought in a million years I'd be here in this situation, having these feelings, and writing them to you with your quill and your parchment.
I'm sorry to have done this in a letter. I know this makes me a coward but I couldn't do this to your face. I just couldn't. I want you to know that I the tears I cry aren't because you didn't want me. They're because I lost you.
You're asleep in your bed right now, not even two feet away from me. I can barely look at you. In ways I feel that I should have told you last night that it would be our last. Of course, I didn't know myself for sure until just now when I started this letter. But maybe if you had known that last night would be our last together, it would have been more special. Maybe you would have kissed me. Maybe you would have stopped me. I probably sound like a ridiculous little school girl waiting for my knight in shining armor to you, don't I? I don't really care if I do. This is the way I feel.
I hope one day you find someone who you can actually care about. Have a good life. If you see me on the street, please pretend you don't. It'll be easier that way. It shouldn't be too hard for you to act like you don't know me since you've been doing it for so long already. Maybe you should forget me all together. I doubt that you even care at all. Just murder any memories you have of me right now. I'll never bother you again. I promise. Don't worry; I won't be lying when I give you my promise.
By the time you wake up, I'll be gone. Not that you'd want to, but don't contact me.
Without your love,
Hermione Jane Granger