Kidnapped
It was one of those days, on one of those islands, during one of those expeditions. For some reason or another, Nami had agreed to accompany Usopp and Chopper on trek into the wilderness. Robin had left with Brook to investigate the ruins that laid further along on the shore. Franky had stayed to work on another of his super inventions. Sanji had gone to town to buy grocery. Zoro, being Zoro, had no interest in doing anything and had opted to stay to guard the Thousand Sunny. Like it needed any guarding.
And lastly was poor Luffy. He was in no condition to move, let alone leave the ship. The captain was in a pitiful state, the cause being one atrocious canker sore, which made it impossible for Luffy to eat anything without agonizing pain. Chopper examined him and immediately came to conclusion it was an aphthous ulcer. He went on to speculate on the possible cause: spicy food, stress, lack of sleep, food allergies or nutritional deficiencies. Then Luffy meekly admitted he bit his mouth during his second post-dinner snack. That earned him a swift kick in the head. Sanji chided him for always eating too fast, but Luffy was already crying and miserable. Having eaten so little in the past few days, Luffy was a wretched sight. Even Sanji couldn't stay mad at him for very long.
So that was how it came to be that Nami, Usopp and Chopper were traipsing through forest without a worry in the world, looking for who knows what. Well Usopp and Chopper were traipsing. Nami was simply walking. Every little leaf, rock, and bug was a wonderful new discovery for them. Well just Usopp and Chopper. Chopper was gathering roots and herbs for possible medicinal use. Usopp was hunting bugs for his collection. A collection he apparently just started. Nami was plain bored. She brought along a drawing pad, hoping to sketch out the island, but she wasn't in the mood that day.
Nami found a nice spot under the shade of a tree, and with nothing better to do, dozed off.
Sometime later, Nami felt a bump to her foot. She ignored it, but the bump came again. "Usopp, leave me alone. I told you I don't want to help you hunt for bugs."
There was a snicker followed by a giggle. "Ahoy! What's a buxom beauty like ye doin' here by yourself?"
Nami snapped awake and her eyes shot opened. She found three men, wearing various nondescript clothing, staring down at her. The one who spoke was grinning like a fool. "Might ye want to join me pirate crew?"
"What? Who?" Nami asked, a little groggy. Usopp and Chopper were nowhere to be seen. Did they ditch her?
"Avast! Excuse me manners. Let me first introduce meself. I be Capt'n Brunet Beard and we be t' Ambiguous Pirates. We be honored to have a fine lass like ye join our crew."
That again? Nami rolled her eyes and tilted her head back. It wasn't the first time somebody offered her a position of some sort, to be the navigator, wife or whatever. They seemed to never take no as an answer. Sometimes it was a curse to be so talented, intelligent and gorgeous.
"No, thank you. I already belong to a crew," Nami answered politely, hoping they would go away and leave her in peace.
"Ye are?" That surprised the abstract-looking captain. He rubbed his hackneyed bearded chin, pondering the matter over. He then stepped back and conversed with his two colleagues.
What could they be planning? Nami thought. Not that she needed to really think that hard. They were as predictable as Zoro's wardrobe. But what should she do? She could make a break for it and scream for Usopp and Chopper. They couldn't have wandered off that far. Or...Nami could stick around and rob them blind. Nami looked over the three pirates and their nondescript, but nice clothing. Captain Brunet Beard, who wore several plain gold rings and a gold loop earring, was smiling at her again, showing off a single gold-capped tooth.
Yes, the second choice seemed very appealing and beri signs appeared in her eyes.
"Then ye be comin' wit' us," Captain Brunet Beard announced.
"Oh no. What am I going to do?" Nami said in a monotonous voice.
A little while later, back at the Thousand Sunny...
Brave warrior of the sea, Usopp returned with his faithful assistant, Tony Tony Chopper. It was a long and arduous , filled with tears, sweat, and bloodshed. There were moments when they thought they were goners, but Captain Usopp came through and heroically led them all to safety. At least that was what Usopp told his audience: one, who was sleeping and the other, who barely passed as being conscious.
"Oh yeah, Luffy. Nami was kidnapped by some pirates," Usopp added as he inspected his bag.
"Huh?" Luffy weakly lifted his head from the deck floor. "Kidnapped?"
Usopp nodded his head, now busy with the bugs he caught earlier today. He had big plans for them. The crew won't know what to expect.
Luffy sighed deeply and rolled over onto his back. "Oi, Zoro." There was no response. Luffy got on his feet and wandered over to him. He tried slapping his cheeks a few times and then shook his shoulder. "Zoro? Zoro!" Finally a good tug on his earrings woke him from his afternoon slumber.
"What!" Zoro snapped, knocking Luffy off his feet.
"Nami's kidnapped," Luffy said.
"Again?" Zoro angrily replied, rubbing his face and then his left earlobe. He slowly stood up and did some stretches. "Who's got her this time?"
Usopp thought for a moment, trying to remember the name. "I think they said they were the Ambulance Pirates."
"Who? Never heard of them," Zoro retorted, folding his arms across his chest.
"Maybe they were the Amphibian Pirates."
Still a blank stare from Zoro.
"How about the Ambidextrous Pirates? Amorphous? Ambient?" Usopp continued to list all the possible names with Zoro getting irritated. He gave up at some point. "Chopper would know."
Luffy took a huge breath and screamed, "Chopper!" He winced right after because of his mouth sore. "Owie, owie, owie."
Chopped appeared, chewing an apple. Franky followed after him, lugging a large contraption of some sort.
"They said were the Ambiguous Pirates," Chopper stated. He handled Luffy a mouthwash, which he took and promptly ran off to the bathroom to use.
"That's a stupid name. I'm not going to rescue Nami." Zoro sat back down, clasping his hands behind his head.
Luffy came back moments later, smiling and feeling refreshed. He had a nice minty smell on his breath. "So who wants to rescue Nami?" he asked.
There was only a mute silence with crickets chirping somewhere in the background. Usopp quickly covered up the bug cage and hid it away. He couldn't let the crew find them yet. It would ruin the plans he had of forming an army of fighting crickets.
In all honesty, they were really thinking about rescuing Nami, but there were so many other things they rather do and they all had to rescue her at one time or another. It was getting redundant and the number of times she needed saving was highly unusual. It was like Nami had a sign taped on her back that said, "Kidnap me."
"Let Sanji do it," Zoro mumbled, his eyes shut.
"But Cook-Bro ain't back," Franky said, pointing out that Sanji was still out grocery shopping. He would be gone most of the afternoon.
"That's a problem." Usopp put on his serious face, trying to act cool and calm, but what he really wanted to do was start his crickets on their training regimen.
After a short discussion, they all decided it was best to let Sanji rescue Nami. Why deprive the man of his favorite pastime? It would be unfair and thoughtless of them if they all took off and left him behind on a rescue mission. He would never forgive them. Plus, by the time Sanji got back, the ransom demand should have arrived. So might as well wait a little longer.
With all that sorted, they want back to their regular scheduled program.
Meanwhile, Nami was having more of her share of boredom. The Ambiguous Pirates took her back to their ship and locked her up in a poorly lit brig. It had nothing more than a wooden table, a rickety chair and a dented spittoon. She peeked out the porthole and saw nothing but water and sky.
Nami waited and waited, bored out of her mind. The least they could have done was leave her with a magazine or a deck of cards. The captain should have been back by now to start his monologue of what he was going to do to her and her crew. Villainous men loved to gloat. But he didn't show. Apparently, no one informed the good captain the protocol of kidnapping.
Having enough of the lovely decor of her surrounding, Nami decided to skip the protocol. It was time to bust out. Fortunately for her, it wasn't hard. They left the back door unlocked.
In a few minutes, Nami was back to her old habit. She headed to what she hoped was captain's quarter and ransacked the drawers and chests. She found a few things of interest and stuffed them into a burlap bag. With all the gold the Captain Brunet Beard was wearing, she figured he would be loaded. How wrong she was.
On her way to the next room, Nami ran into someone. "Oh, hi there," she said in her sweetest voice.
He was average undistinguished man, carrying a mop and bucket. Nami wasn't sure how long he been gawking at her, but he looked rather unimportant and stupid.
"Hi," he replied. He stood with his mouth hanging slightly opened.
"My name is Nami. What's yours?"
"Uh, John Doe. Are you suppose to be here?" he asked cautiously.
"Why yes. Your captain has nicely asked me to join your crew."
"Really?" John's face brightened up.
The funny thing about John, once he started talking, he wouldn't shut up. He was the cabin boy and it was his first trip to the Grand Line. He asked Nami what she thought of the Grand Line. She barely said a few words before he took over again. He talked about how nice it was to have another girl pirate on-board. The other girl pirate, her name being Mia, was hardly around. John never met her personally, but she was suppose to be an important member.
This one-sided conversation continued as Nami plundered the remaining parts of the ship. Every so often John stopped yakking long enough to give her a hand in the looting.
"So where's rest of the crew?" Nami managed to squeeze in.
"They're out recruiting. It's hard running a ship with only five people. With you, that makes it six," John commented as he handed her the candelabrum off the dining table.
"I've seen smaller numbers."
"I guess, but I told the captain repeatedly that he needs to have a better strategy. A marketing plan. He needs to sell himself."
"You joined," Nami reminded him. "Captain Brunet Beard must have done something right."
"Yeah..." he trailed. Nami caught a funny look in his face.
Her eyes narrowed. "Why did you join them?" she asked.
At first, John didn't say anything, quietly mopping the floor and humming to himself. Then he spilled the beans. "I thought I was getting on a cruise ship," he blurted.
Nami shook her head. Lame.
Suddenly, John spoke again, "I wanted to ask you earlier, but...what are you doing?" He looked at her bag of loot, which was only a quarter-full.
Finally he noticed, Nami thought. "I'm itemizing all the important things for insurance purposes. The captain was concerned with possible theft and damages."
"Oh? Then shouldn't you be starting with the things in the secret treasure vault?"
Back again at the Thousand Sunny...
Sanji was beside himself, on pins and needles, an emotional wreck. When he got back from his shopping, neither Robin or Nami were on-board and he whined like a baby for them.
"Nami-swann! Robin-chwann!" Sanji cried. He ran from the galley to the observation room and then all the way down to the aquarium bar, searching for them.
Usopp was sitting on the lawned deck, evaluating his crickets. So far he had caught four. It was a small start, but still a start. Sanji was still running and crying. Usopp wondered how long it would take before Sanji tired himself out and finally asked someone where Robin and Nami were.
It took a long while.
The plan was to have Usopp break the news to Sanji. Knowing how volatile Sanji could get, Usopp initially declined the job, stating he had the icanttellanythingtosanji disease. It didn't work. It never worked. Anyways, it was his and Chopper's fault that Nami was kidnapped in the first place so they were stuck with the job. Until Chopper quickly took the "I'm too cute and innocent" defense, which got him off the hook.
Sneaky. Very sneaky.
"USOPP!" Sanji shouted. Smoke blew out of his nose like an angry bull. "Where are Nami-san and Robin-chan?"
Scratching his chin, Usopp pondered. "Robin and Brook aren't back. And Nami was...kidnapped."
"Say that last part again."
Usopp swallowed hard and refused to look at Sanji. "Nami was kidnapped."
Sanji gripped Usopp by the collar of his shirt and lifted him off the floor. "Again," he breathed.
In a really tiny voice, Usopp repeated, "Nami was kidnapped."
After Sanji pulverized Usopp and left him in a mangled heap, he took off running with hearts in his eyes. "Nami-swann! I'm coming to save you!"
Now Usopp figured the rough part was all over. All Sanji had to do was beat up the bad guys, rescue the damsel in distress and then cook dinner. Wash, rinse, and repeat. But the trouble with pirates like the Ambiguous Pirates was, they were really hard to find. Not because they had ultra hi-tech ships that used invisible cloaking devices or wore super cool costumes with clever masks. They were simply ambiguous, boring, common, normal, vague, average, nondescript. They didn't stand out and no one took notice of them.
It was no surprise that Sanji marched back an hour later, his eyebrow twitching, puffing a cigarette and cursing up a storm. Usopp thought it wise to cover up Chopper's ears.
"I can't find the shitheads who took Nami," Sanji declared.
Zoro opened one eye to stare at Sanji and Luffy yawned.
"You!" Sanji pointed to no one in particular. "Help me find them, or else."
"Or else what?" Zoro sneered, sensing a fight.
"Or else no dinner!" Sanji growled.
There was a loud gasp of fright from Luffy. It was cruel. It was inhumane. Sanji had hit below the belt on that one.
Suddenly revitalized with a renewed sense of purpose, Luffy and company set out to save Nami, walking side by side into the sunset. Of course, they had to walk single file to get off the ship, but after that they walked side by side.
John Doe showed Nami their secret treasure vault and she held her breath in great awe at what she saw. There were piles and piles of gold coins, ingots, gems, and jewelry. All carelessly tossed about and left unorganized. It was like Christmas for Nami except there were no annoying wrapping paper and silly decorations to deal with. She quickly emptied her bag of the junk she found earlier and started to work on the good stuff.
Today was an excellent day to be kidnapped.
It took only moments for Nami to take everything in their vault. Everything. Her bag was filled to the brim. Casually, she told John she needed to bring it all down to the insurance agency to do an appraisal. He bought everything she said and even helped her carry the loot off the ship. What a nice guy.
John waved good-bye to her. "Hurry back soon. Tonight is polka night."
With a skip to her step and a smile on her face, Nami was feeling fantastic, on top of the world, until she realized something. Where the hell was her crew? They should have rescued her long before this. Not that she was in any real danger, but they didn't know that.
Nami was fuming. She could be injured, she could be bleeding, she could be dying for all they knew. When she got back, she was going to give the boys a tongue-lashing they won't forget.
In the midst of her angry, Nami was caught off guard and unprepared for happened next. She only saw a dark blur before someone grabbed her, knocking the wind out of her. Her burlap bag dropped to the ground and she was struggling against a hold so tight that it was nearly impossible to move.
Nami was being hugged to death and there were kisses. A multitude of kisses lavished on her.
"Nami-swan! You're safe! I was so worried." Sanji kissed her and kissed her and kissed her. It didn't matter to him that Nami was struggling against his hug and pushing his face away.
"Stop it! Not now, Sanji-kun," Nami barked.
"Come to me, my little stuffed onion, my jello parfait." Sanji snuggled close to Nami, smooching her some more. "I missed you so much, my marmalade pudding, my mango chicken."
It also didn't help Nami any that they had an audience. Zoro looked like he wanted to vomit. Luffy was laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world. Usopp was diagnosing the situation to Chopper, who was busy taking notes.
"What you have here is classic case of withdrawal syndrome. Sanji is suffering from a very serious case of Nami-withdrawal."
"Really?" Chopper exclaimed. He wrote down everything Usopp said. "I never knew he had such a condition. Is it treatable?"
"My carrot, my pumpkin, my sweet potato." Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. "What would I do without you?" Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.
"Look at them. Sanji is all kissy with Nami." Luffy laughed, slapping his knee.
Zoro finally had enough of Luffy's laughing and stretched his mouth to silence him. Luffy hollered in pain. With a canker sore, it hurt ten times as much.
Sanji continued kissing Nami. On the cheek, neck, chin, nose, forehead, mouth, wherever. His lips were everywhere on her, all the while uttering poetic nonsense to her. "You are my peanut." Kiss. Kiss. "I am your butter." Kiss. Kiss. "We will never be apart again." Kiss. Kiss.
"Argh! Enough already!" Nami yelled and whacked Sanji on the head. He went down for the count with hearts spinning in his eyes.
"Isn't Nami-san wonderful when she's violent," Sanji murmured lovingly just before he passed out.
Panting heavily, Nami glared murderously at the rest of her crew. They all gone quiet and hid behind Zoro. Nami took one look at Sanji, lying at her feet and then another look at them. Unexpectedly, her face turned red and she took off running and screaming, "You're an idiot, Sanji!"
In a short amount time, Sanji recovered, got up, and chased after her. "Wait for me, Nami-swan!
After a long moment of stunned silence, Usopp nudged Luffy and asked, "Do you think Nami still needs to be rescued?"
NOTE:
According to Oda, Sanji is suppose to resemble a duck, which made me think of Donald Duck, which then made me think of Daffy Duck, which then made me think of Pepe Le Pew, which then made me think of Sanji again. It's like the circle of life.