Title: 50 Things Alex Rider Will Never Do
Summary: Alex's teacher gives him an unorthodox English assignment - to write about 50 things he would never do. What does Alex write about?
A/N: Hope you're enjoying the series of drabbles!
Author's note to my English Teacher: I am being serious. I met three guys, and they called themselves Wolf, Eagle, and Snake, and no I don't know their real names. This is my '50 things I wouldn't do list.' Happy?
50. Sadly, be fate as it might, I will never be able to kill Wolf. It's just not possible. I think the sergeant of the SAS would come and kick my you-know-what if I did.
49. I will not give Eagle any caffeine. You know how Tom Harris gets after he has accidentally had too much Red Bull? Give Eagle a sip of caffeine, and he's ten times worse. Not a pretty picture.
48. I will not feed Eagle my Hot Chocolate, no matter how tempting it may be. I have learned the hard way that Eagle is very allergic to chocolate. Although it was fun to watch him throw up on Wolf… I wish you could have been there. Then again, with the language Eagle was using, I don't think you should have been there.
47. I will not leave my secrets by your desk again.
46. I will not accuse Michael Knight of being gay. Do you know how sensitive that teenager is? He's worse than any girl I know! Not that I know many girls… I do go to an all boy's school, after all. *Coughs nervously*
45. I will not eat ice cream during your classroom time.
44. I will not feed the classroom fish. Nicholas has already claimed that job for himself the rest of the year. Can you watch him the next time he feeds the fish? I think he eats the fish food.
43. I will not blink slowly when crossing the street. Don't ask.
42. I will not tell Tom Harris we should kiss under the swingset. He will take me seriously.
41. I will not ask Eagle anything about 'the birds and the bees' ever again. Really – don't ask me about this one, you'll be marred to life by my story.
40. I will not drink alcohol around Eagle. (Actually, I won't drink alcohol at all). Eagle + alcohol = oh dear.
39. I will not abandon my comrades (with the exception of Wolf) when there is a Loose Eagle alert.
38. I will not join the SAS. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt. Actually, I didn't get the T-Shirt. No, wait, I did!
37. I will not get another SAS T-Shirt. I've burned mine.
36. I will not turn in my English essay on time. I'm forewarning you now.
35. I will not cry when my teacher does not believe my excuse "the dog ate my homework." I will use the excuse that Harry Potter ate my homework.
34. I will not meet Harry Potter or his girlfriend. Hang on – I'm trying to remember who he dated in the last book.
33. I will not lend Wolf my copy of Harry Potter again. I've never been asked so many questions by an adult. How can you not understand the word "Muggle," and for heaven's sake, how can you not understand how to use Google?
32. I will not attempt to teach Wolf anything. He already knows it all.
31. I will not prank Jack on April Fool's day like I did last year.
30. I will not attempt to steal Wolf's toothbrush – especially when he locked me in the cabin because of it. I mean, come on, it's just a toothbrush. You're in SAS training for a ten week stretch, why would you only bring ONE?
29. I will not ask Eagle why he attempted to flush my T-Shirt down the toilet.
28. I will not attempt to introduce Eagle to anyone who wants to remain sane. We all saw how well that worked with Tom Harris.
27. I will not ask you to extend my English homework – more than three weeks.
26. I will not give away any of the nation's secrets.
25. I will not talk to Tom Harris in class – except in code.
24. I will not tell you about my father's death. STOP ASKING.
23. I will not tell you about my mother's death.
22. I will not tell you about Ian's death.
21. I will not give you my housekeeper's phone number. By the way, she's my mother. She got guardianship. Screw MI6!
20. I will not tell you where MI6's hideout is.
19. I will not write anything on the chalkboard no matter how much you beg.
18. I will not like algebra.
17. I will not say "F-u" in class.
16. I will not swear within walking distance of you ever again.
15. I will never trust your English assignments. Did you ever get a degree?
14. I will never write a novel.
13. I will never say never. Wait, I just broke that….
12. I will never date you.
11. I will never understand you.
10. I will never understand your English Assignments.
9. I will never get a "perfect attendance" award. Don't try and motivate me with one.
8. I will never tell Eagle about the birds and the bees. Oh My God… Never AGAIN!
7. I will never understand Wolf's brain.
6. I will never understand my brain.
5. I will never understand why someone would want to actually read this list.
4. I will never get a passing grade in English unless my tutor helps me.
3. I will never understand the difference between UK and American English – except for the accent.
2. I will never finish this assignment. Wait – I've got the perfect #1!
Number one: I will not tell the English teacher that you are an SAS member in disguise… unless you don't give me an English extension on that homework! Then I will.
A/N: I wrote fifty things Alex wouldn't do... you can write a brief review... Please enjoy!
Cookies to whomever can guess the prompt for this assignment.