End of Season 4: House (Cuddy) 's Heart
"He's finally stable." Doctor Allison Cameron turned to Doctors Eric Foreman and Lisa Cuddy who both breathed sighs of relief.
"How's House doing?" Thirteen walked into the room.
"He's alright. How's Wilson holding up?" Foreman asked.
Thirteen shook her head. "Not good. Chase and Kutner are with him now but he won't leave Amber's room. I don't think it'd be right to force him. I think it would be best if we kept an eye on him."
"I'll stay with House." Everyone turned to look at Cuddy, astonished that she had piped up so quickly.
"Cuddy you should be going home and getting some sleep." Foreman looked at her sternly. "We can all take the day off tomorrow you have to come into work."
Cuddy shook her head. "No. I'm staying."
"Cuddy…" Cameron jumped in.
"I said I'm staying!" Cuddy yelled into the room and her voice broke. She had to bite her lip and turn away to keep from bursting into tears. She felt responsible for this, somehow. She should have kept a closer watch on Wilson. She should have definitely kept a closer eye on House. Electroshock therapy?! He could have died!
Cameron turned to her colleagues and ushered them out. She walked over to Cuddy and put a hand on her shoulder. "Cuddy. None of this is your fault. You don't have to stay. It's 10:30 you should get some rest."
Cuddy turned and looked at Cameron straight in the eye. "I'm alright. I want to stay and be here when he wakes up. I owe that to House. I can sleep here."
Cameron looked at her boss and thought it best not to test her. "Okay. But you let me know the moment you are ready to leave and someone will sit in here with him alright?"
Cuddy nodded and sat down on the chair next to the hospital bed. Cameron walked out and shut the door. It got very quiet. Cuddy could hear the monitors beeping softly and House's labored breathing. She looked over at his face. It was strained and wrinkled, exhausted, despite the fact that he was asleep. Cuddy stood up and walked over beside the bed. She looked down at House and stood there, watching, waiting for him to wake up.
House's mouth twitched. Then his face moved a little but he remained in the coma. Cuddy reached down and stroked his cheek softly. "Hey. I'm here. Please don't….please don't die okay?"
Cuddy couldn't take it anymore. She burst into tears. She turned from House and had to put her hand to her mouth to keep the loud sobs from drowning the silence in the room. Her body shook with emotion as she thought about the day's events: House nearly dying on the bus, Wilson's heart wrenching grief, saying good-bye to Amber, and now this. She sat down on the chair next to the bed, buried her head in her hands and cried. She cried for what felt like hours until there was nothing left inside of her. She let out a big sigh and looked up. House's condition hadn't changed. She checked her watch. 11:30. She wiped her eyes on her grey sweater and watched House's face.
At about 12:00am Cuddy felt herself begin to doze off. She tried smacking herself in the face, pacing around the room, but it was no use. Her eyes seemed to have a mind of their own. Just when she thought she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore House's face moved. She sat up straight and scooted her chair right up next to the bed.
"House?" She asked softly. House's face twitched again, his eyes fluttered and then opened.
"Hey. I'm here." Cuddy brushed a stray piece of hair out of her face and grabbed onto his hand. "Blink if you can hear me."
House blinked almost immediately and Cuddy sighed heavily in relief. She wanted to cry again. While she had been waiting, she had begun to worry that House might have significant brain damage. What if he wasn't House anymore? What if he didn't recognize…her?
House wet his lips and opened his mouth. He closed it and opened his mouth again.
"No sshhhh don't try and speak." Cuddy put a finger to his lips. "Just sleep okay?"
He turned his head slightly and stared at her, as if trying to figure out why she was there. He looked like he wanted to tell her something but couldn't. He let go of her hand and turned his head away.
Cuddy felt a pang of something. What was it…hurt? Why had he turned away from her? Was he angry?
"I'll be right here." Cuddy's voice wavered and she scooted backwards in the chair a few paces. She started to cry softly again until she fell asleep.
When House had opened his eyes he didn't immediately realize where he was. But when he heard the monitors on the machine he knew what had happened and it came flooding back to him. The bus accident, Wilson, Amber, the electric shock…why had he been so stupid? Did it save Amber? He heard Cuddy's voice asking him to blink his eyes. He did. She held his hand and he looked over at her face. Her face was pink and her eyes were red-rimmed, she'd obviously been crying. Her make-up was completely rubbed off and her hair was in a shambles. He wanted to ask her if Amber was alright if she could be saved…but he already knew the answer. Amber was dead and it was all his fault. He wanted to tell Cuddy to leave him alone he wasn't worth her time but she shushed him. He wanted to hold her hand, desperately, but he let go and turned away. It would be better if she left. But she didn't leave. He heard her crying softly. He hated it when she cried. It always made him feel like crap.
House drifted off to sleep again. He awoke minutes later, feeling uncomfortable, as if someone had been watching him. When he opened his eyes, he was looking directly at Wilson who standing on the other side of the door. Wilson was staring at House intently. House stared back trying to say he was sorry, trying to say that he didn't mean for any of it to happen. Wilson's face was sad, sadder than House had ever seen it, but it was also desperate and full of betrayal. Wilson turned his face and walked away. House turned his head to see Cuddy curled up in the chair, sound asleep like a child. Her face was still tear-stained and the ringlets of her hair were in her face. House wanted to reach over and touch them, move them out of her face, but he couldn't. He fell into a fitful sleep.
"Cuddy. Cuddy!" Cuddy stirred and opened her eyes to see Chase standing over her. "You fell asleep." Cuddy sat up bolt right and looked around. "What happened is everything alright?!"
Chase gave her a little smile. "Everything's fine. House is asleep and Wilson left. Cameron and Foreman are staying tonight and Kutner and Thirteen are coming in early. Taub is going to check on Wilson."
Cuddy yawned, nodded and stood up. "Thanks for waking me."
"You really need to go home. It's 2:00am."
Cuddy shook her head. "I already said I'm staying."
"Cuddy!" Chase put his hands on her shoulders. "Listen to me. It's the middle of the night. House has already woken from his coma; we can take care of him. You need to sleep or you will not be able to function. I mean it. We can handle it from here GO HOME. I won't take no for an answer."
Cuddy sighed in defeat. "Alright. I really am tired anyway." She walked, like a zombie, towards the door. "You let me know the moment anything changes, understand?"
Chase nodded. "Of course."
Cuddy walked down the hallway and to her office. She started to gather her files together and put them away. As if on autopilot, she went through her ritual of cleaning up to go home and grabbed her coat to put in on. She trudged out of the office and opened the door to go outside when she heard Foreman calling her name.
"Cuddy! Cuddy wait!" Foreman ran up to her.
Cuddy suddenly grew alert. "What is it whats wrong? Did something happen?"
"Nothing's wrong it's just…" Foreman stopped.
"What?!"
"It's House. He's asleep, dreaming. But he keeps saying your name."
Cuddy frowned in disbelief. "He is saying MY name?"
Foreman nodded. "He wants you."
Cuddy sighed and handed Foreman her things. She walked back upstairs and touched Chase on the back. "I've got it." Chase nodded and briefly patted her on the shoulder.
Cuddy walked over to the side of the bed. House was dreaming Cuddy could tell… his eyes were moving and his hands and arms were twitching. Cuddy reached down and took his hand gently. She put it to her cheek. "It's alright. It's alright I'm here." She sat down on the edge of the bed and continued to hold his hand. His twitching seemed to stop and he settled back down in his sleep. Cuddy was moved. Why was he asking for her? Of all people wouldn't he want to see Wilson? And didn't he want her to leave? She was confused and yet was happy to be here taking care of him. To her, it felt right.
Cuddy could feel herself dozing off again so she let go off House's hand and went back to her chair. She rubbed her back; it was stiff and she knew that she would be sore in the morning. She sighed and lay back in the chair preparing to go back to sleep. Just as she began to lose consciousness she heard a noise. Her eyes popped back open and she looked over at House. He mumbled again and she leaned in closer. His face was contorted into some form of despair, it seemed, and Cuddy could feel her heart breaking. He mumbled again a little louder this time. She put her ear to his mouth. "Cuddy." He said.
"House I'm here I'm here," she took his hand gently again. "I haven't left." She caressed his hand with her thumb and gently kissed him on the cheek. He seemed to relax again. Cuddy soon fell asleep again on her chair, holding House's hand.
House's eyes popped open and his heart was beating quickly, too quickly. He was sweating and his eyes were wet. The images of the bus crash were so vivid in his mind, the window, Amber flying through the air, landing, him trying to grab her hand. Why hadn't he tried harder? WHY? He almost had her. He noticed then that his hand was being held and he looked over at Cuddy who had fallen asleep in the chair right next to him. He turned his head back and looked straight ahead, lost in thought. Why was she still here? Why did she care so much? She should be home, not worrying about him. He didn't deserve someone like her watching over him…like an angel. He wanted to move away from her but he couldn't let go of her hand. He couldn't. He looked down at their hands and felt something in him. What? He gently moved his thumb on top of her hand. She didn't move. He scooted over to the right side of the bed as far as he could but still held onto her hand. A compromise. He sighed and desperately tried to stay awake but to no avail.
Cuddy was dreaming. She was walking into the room where Amber had died but House was in there instead. Except it was his body, he was dead. She was scared, but needed to get a closer look at the body. She approached him and suddenly he woke up. Cuddy tried to scream but it was useless. House was reaching for her when a voice cut through and interrupted her dream.
Cuddy's opened her eyes cautiously. She was breathing hard; it had been a nightmare. House had moved to the far side of the bed, and although she was no longer holding his hand, it was still stretched to where hers had been. Cuddy's hand had fallen asleep and she shook it to get the tingles out. Suddenly, House spoke again in his sleep. "No. No." His head turned from side to side. His left arm was twitching, trying to reach out it seemed. His face was contorted and his eyes were wet. "No. Please. No." House continued to toss and turn and he cried out. Cuddy leapt up and stood over the side of the bed. "House. House! Wake up!" But he was gone. He continued to thrash in his sleep so Cuddy did the first thing she could think of. She climbed into the bed next to him and cradled his head on her chest. "sshhhh sshhhh" she crooned. She rocked him back and forth gently. She rested her chin on the top of his head and couldn't keep her own tears from coming. He was so weak. So vulnerable. It hurt her to see him so raw. He stopped mumbling but his tears continued to wet her sweater, she could feel them. Suddenly she felt him slightly jerk. "House?" She asked softly. But he had fallen back asleep. Cuddy began to feel that House was only being calmed by her presence. It made her feel good, in a way. But it also scared her a little. House wanted her to take care of him, unconsciously, but why? Cuddy had the sudden urge to hold him tighter, to protect him. She put her face in his hair and breathed in. His scent calmed her, made her drowsy, and she held onto him as she drifted off to sleep.
House woke up to sunshine in his face. He squinted his eyes and went to shield his face with his hand but realized that he wasn't alone. He turned his head to the left slightly, and Cuddy's face was there, peaceful and asleep. House frowned. How did she…? Why was she…?" But he didn't care. His dreams came flooding back to him from last night, making him cringe, and he vaguely remembered someone stroking him. It was Cuddy. She had stayed with him all night, taking care of him. He had the sudden urge to lean over and kiss her but restrained himself. He could smell her body wash and perfume. It smelled like Cuddy. Her arms were around his neck making him remember that morning all those years ago, and it made him ache. He wanted to be with her so badly, all the time, and now here she was, and he didn't want it to end. He turned his head so that his face was resting against her neck and waited for the dreadful moment when she would wake up.
Cuddy opened her eyes slowly and looked around. Her back hurt her eyes hurt, everything hurt and she was exhausted. She came to the realization that she was sleeping…with House. In a hospital bed. She suddenly felt stupid and vulnerable. She leaned away and looked down to see House, just staring at her face. She raised an eyebrow. "What?"
He just grinned, winked at her, and pinched her butt with his hand. "House!" Cuddy leapt out of bed and looked at him. "You're obviously feeling better!"
House shrugged and opened his mouth. "Your chest is even better up close." His voice came out ragged and hoarse.
Cuddy rolled her eyes and looked down. "I'm wearing a sweater!"
He shrugged and looked over at the doorway. Cuddy turned and noticed Kutner and Thirteen walking in.
"Is everything alright?" Kutner asked. "House you seem like you will be better in a matter of days."
"Yup." House nodded. "Back to saving the lives of people who don't deserve it." His voice was still raspy. "Cuddy stayed the night with me. We got it on. You know her yahoos are even better when they're this close from your face?" House held his two fingers up to show a small amount of space.
Cuddy sighed and turned away, grabbing her coat. "Well I'm going to be getting home now. My nice warm bed sounds good to me right now. Don't!" She turned to House who had already opened his mouth.
"Bye." She stared at House (longingly?) for a split second and walked out the door. She felt as if her heart was falling into her stomach. What had she expected? That he'd wake up and want her? Respect her? She was an idiot. She blinked rapidly as she opened the door outside to try and keep away the tears.
"Well now that you are obviously feeling better I think we are going to head home." Kutner turned to Thirteen. "What do you think?"
"Will you be alright House?" Thirteen walked up next to the bed. She touched him gently on the arm. "Someone will be in to check on you every hour and you know how to call for help."
"I'll be fine." House crossed his arms and looked out the window. Thirteen shrugged and left. House suddenly felt alone. The monitors seemed to take up the whole room. House turned on his side. The left side of his pillow still smelled like Cuddy and he buried his face in it. He felt it was right to push her away but at the same time he longed for last night all over again despite the painful dreams. He held his hand up that had been holding Cuddy's and brought it back down onto his chest. The last image he saw before going back to sleep was that look of hopeless longing she had shot him from the door.