Special
(A psychological analysis of Harrison's feelings and perspectives in relation to Tru, shown through his subconscious monologue)
Trouble.
All my life I've been nothing but trouble.
Wishing I could give almost as much thanks and apologies as I do trouble
To the only person in the world who overlooks it
The only person who helps me out of it
The only person who helps me avoid it
Without any complaints
Ever.
She gives me advice when I need it, even without me asking for it.
She gives me hope when I lose it, even without me thinking of it.
The confidence she fuels me with in times of hesitation, hurt and confusion helps me grow.
She loves and supports me when I am good.
She loves me even more and takes care of me when I am bad.
She believes in me.
She believes I can grow.
Without her I'm lost.
I'm nothing.
I'm nobody.
*
But why is it that I'm nobody without her?
Why do I find myself lost without her?
Why is it that with being her little brother, the emphasis is on 'little'?
Why am I always in her shadow?
When is it time for me to be somebody?
To be chosen for something?
To be special?
So what if I didn't get the fancy education that she got?
Life is the best school, is it not?
I had been out there pushing, struggling
Frequently stealing and gambling to make a living.
While she was drowned in books, running tracks or talking to the dead.
So what if I'm a bit demanding, somewhat needy, slightly clingy?
So what if she thinks I'm selfish and materialistic?
Doesn't matter what she thinks.
Does it?
Only matters what I think
What I know
What I decide
And I have decided to make a change
To be better
To be stronger.
I wonder if she'll ever know that I'm jealous of her strength
Of her power
Of her gift
I wonder why I wasn't the one
Favored
Unique
Special.
*
Special
What makes her so special that mom and the universe chose her to relive days?
To save lives?
To give new hope?
Could it be because of her stability?
And a sense of responsibility?
I could do that
Someday
I can be that
Someday
And I know I will
Someday
But I guess the universe could not wait much longer
And needed to take action sooner.
She is my sister
I love her
But she is superior
And by the natural course of things that makes me feel inferior.
I do admit that she deserves to be superior
To have that power.
She cares about everyone's feelings
She gives so much of herself
She keeps cool even when frustrated
She forgives when it is not deserved
She is the firm base in this family
Everything she does she marks with excellence
And never settles for less.
I lie to save myself
She lies to save a life
Any life
She is grounded
She is real
She is selfless.
*
Selfless is what makes her unique
Qualified
Special.
Being selfless is what I love most about her
Is what kept her there for me
In spite of me.
With her I can be whining
I can be a dork
I can me myself without having to worry about being judged or loved any less.
With dad and others I feel the need to try and impress.
She taught me a lot
And to my darkness she brought light.
I take care of her
She takes care of me.
That's how a brother and a sister are supposed to be.
She's been the greatest sister
Even the mother, the father and the brother I never had.
She's been all of that and more
She's been my best friend.
Amazing how her gift never changed her
She is still good old Tru
Maybe with an added quality or two
*
So if I arrogantly ever again question what makes her so special
All I would need is a reminder of how I truly feel deep down in my core
Way beneath false jealousy.
How she makes me feel grand without me deserving it.
How she believes that everyone is special.
How she makes everyone believe that they are special.
She is my hero
My idol
The happiest day is the day I make her proud.
With her I stand tall
With her I feel safe
I feel secure
I feel grounded
I feel loved
I feel special.
I trust her with my life
I am proud of her
She is my sister
She is my friend
She is Tru.
The End