Lies

The leader found himself in the lab, staring at his comatose twin, completely unaware of how he even got there - the last thing he remembered was falling into bed so, so late after that disastrous patrol. His head spun and he sat down heavily on the other cot, dragging a hand over his face.

"Why won't you wake up?" he begged the still form across from him. Even the whispered words were too loud in the silence of the lab. "Please, Raph. We need you. I need you. I can't...I can't do this without you here. Without your strength...I don't know if I can make it."

There was no response, save for the hiss of oxygen and the steady beeping of the heart monitor. Tears stung at Leo's cobalt eyes and he dashed at them with the back of his hand.

"Leo?"

Donnie's voice was soft, hesitant, and the eldest knew he'd heard every word. "Hey, Don. It's...I'm okay."

"No you're not," the genius replied quietly, entering the room and sitting down next to his big brother. "I know you aren't, because I'm not either. Neither is Mikey."

"I just...fuck, Don." The word made Donnie flinch - Leo rarely swore, and for it to be such a vulgar word...he had to be in a pretty bad place. "What if he's not the same when he wakes up? What if he doesn't wake up at all? I don't...I can't-"

And then arms were around his shoulders and his face was buried in Don's neck and a loud, ugly sob was escaping his throat and when did it get this bad, he wanted to ask. He wanted to scream. It wasn't fair, dammit. They all worked so hard to keep the city safe, keep the world safe, and apparently the universe thought it was hilarious to keep beating them down again and again and again.

Eventually, his shoulders stopped shaking and he sat up, wiping his cheeks. "Sorry," he rasped. "You shouldn't have had to-"

"Leo, stop. You're allowed to feel things"

"But Splinter said-"

And there it was. Splinter said. Donnie wished, not for the first time, that his brother had never undergone their father's precious training. Years of lessons and demands and thinly veiled threats - oh, yes, he was well aware of the blackmail that the rat had used on Leo - had twisted the leader's mind so much that he considered himself little more than a bodyguard for the others. Oftentimes, he saw himself as a protector and nothing else. Expendable.

Don couldn't help but be angry about that. Didn't he know how much he meant to them? Didn't he know that they'd be absolutely lost without him there? Their father had been dead for nearly three and a half years now, yet his teachings were ingrained far too deep to be easily rid of.

"I don't fucking care what Splinter said," the purple-banded ninja snapped, surprising both of them with the amount of ire in his voice. "You're allowed to break down and cry! Nobody can be fine a hundred percent of the time, Leonardo! I mean, I know that he taught you that you had to, but you don't! It's bullshit, and I hate that you had to go through that, I really do. But you need to learn that it's okay to not be okay." His plastron was heaving, chestnut brown eyes glazed with pain and anger. So much anger.

Raphael-level anger.

The room fell silent for a long time; Leo stared at his feet, unsure what to say. Donnie was too focused on bringing his temper down to make an effort to speak. Eventually, both mutants sighed. "I'm sorry," Don said quietly. "It was wrong of me to snap at you like that."

"No...you're right about it. I know you are. I just don't know how to stop, D. After all this time, I can't just turn it off like that. I wish I could but I can't."

"I know." And he also knew that nothing he ever said would really be able to change that. Only time would tell.

Leo gave him a small, tight, fake smile and whispered that it would be okay. Donnie responded with a fake smile of his own, and wished that he could believe it.

A/N: Another depressing Leo story, I know. It's been a rough day.

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