Breathe.
In the middle of a Greys Anatomy episode, yes another rerun, and the call comes through. FaceTime technically…
You haven't really heard from her in a week. Over a week actually. She went home last weekend, to see Mr. Shue and visit the glee club is what she told you. You know it's actually to see her mom because no matter how much it hurt when she abandoned her, you know she still loves her mom and cares about her input in her life. She denies it, but you know…
The picture you set to come up when she calls appears on your screen, her eyes are the focus, the green perfectly represented as she makes a funny face with her hood up. You sit for a second, just staring at the screen after pausing Greys. You weren't expecting to hear from her until tomorrow. You like to be surprised by her calls because it means she was thinking of you, but you also like to be a little prepared. Not to be dressed a certain way or look good, but to just know you'll be talking to her that night. It puts you in a certain frame of mind.
This episode of Greys Anatomy was full of Meredith and Cristina best friend moments. Meredith was sick and Cristina is taking care of her, holding her hair back, rubbing her back, bringing her fluids, etc. They have a moment where they are talking through a door about Cristina moving to a different hospital, and how that means Cristina is leaving Meredith; Meredith puts her hand near the bottom of the door and tells Cristina to slide her hand under the door; she does and they just squeeze each other's hand.
It made you realize how much you miss her. How much you miss those kinds of moments between you and her… And that's the frame of mind you are in when she calls. You are in the middle of a "I miss my best friend so much I could cry" moment and she calls you. You shake it off knowing you obviously want to talk to her, you smile because you do love that she calls without prior arrangement regardless of your asking in emails to either text or stick to the weekly Monday Night call. The smile is still there as you answer the call.
She is sitting in her dorm laundry room, headphones in, washing machines rumbling in the background. She has a Yale sweatshirt on and she notices that you've answered and her face lights up. She smiles at you and says something from Pocahontas. You just chuckle, a quizzical look on your face, which she responds to with the Pocahontas explanation. She then switches her greeting to a simple hello. Something she says she'd hope you understand a little better. Another chuckle and you proceed to explain your latest audition to her.
You do an entire scene, the entire scene the director/professor had you do, and sing not one, but two ballads, also chosen by the director. You inform her that it is the same way you did it in the audition and you look at the computer and she has a huge smile on her face. She tells you she's proud of you and all you've accomplished and that you're so into the auditions so early into the school year. She laughs a little when you explain to her how much you've been working on it, but you know it isn't at you. She is laughing because she understands. You and her both understand the feeling you get when performing or practicing for a performance. It helps calm the nerves, and even when it works you up, it's a good kind of worked up. It's amazing. You smile and thank her as she tells you that you'll for sure get the part and that she can't wait to see the final product, even if it is just over livestream or youtube if she can't make it to the live performance. You love how much of a cheerleader she is for you, not in the Cheerios style, but there to amp you up and reinforce your reasons to be proud of yourself when needed. You tell her that it is enough about you, and ask her how she has been.
Over the past week, though you haven't actually talked, she has texted you a few times. One of which was a text stating she needs an x-ray for her foot. You freaked out, obviously. You knew she joined a small dance team because as much as she disliked Sue and the cheerios scene, she misses dancing. But you didn't think it was dangerous enough to break something. She briefly explained in text that it was just a sprained ankle, but then she had to go. Now is your chance to get further explanation so you ask specifically about the x-ray. She explains that it was a previous sprain that didn't heal properly and has been affected recently by her dancing. No big deal, she says. It's nothing, she reassures you. You have a tendency to get slightly worked up by her lack of interest in her pain, but shrug it off knowing that is what you must do. She is off at college on her own as you are and she can take care of herself…
Though, that doesn't mean you don't tell her to take care of herself. Or to go to bed earlier because she has a mid-term the next day. Or to not spend the wee hours of the morning talking to her boyfriend instead of getting sleep when you know she's exhausted. Yeah, you for sure still do all those things. One of the ones she seemed to appreciate most was two weeks ago when she was sick and you kept telling her to blow her nose, but to be gentle so her nose didn't get all red and irritated.
She has been doing her math homework as you were going through that thought process. She looks up at you and asks about your week, which was actually not one of your best. She can tell by the way your face drops a little that it's a slightly sore subject, but she asks again. You try to explain without getting worked up, but you do. You wanted to have this conversation with her when it was all happening, but you knew she was busy and you were busy too. You knew you'd talk with her eventually, but you probably shouldn't be getting as worked up as you are now. You can't do anything about it anymore, yet you're still asking her advice. She gives you her opinion just as she did in the bathroom back in high school, and you once again can't accept it. This time because the deadline has passed and there is truly nothing more you can do. There is nowhere to go, and you hate that feeling.
She tells you to breathe and says she needs to put her laundry into the dryer so she gets up and walks away. You sit there feeling exhausted. You wish you could go through the screen and walk up behind her as she is standing facing the washer and put your arms around her waist and pull her close. You miss her hugs. You miss her being able to give you her hand or a real face to face look and having it calm you. You're now over whatever was going on over the past week and are getting worked up about the fact that you're talking over a computer from miles away and not sitting right next to her.
She sits down again and tells you that she needs to get more laundry from her room in a few minutes. You act like the frustration on your face is because of your rough week and she tells you that if you can't do anything about it now, there is no point getting worked up about it now. She tells you that regardless of her opinion, you know yourself best and know what is best for you, especially regarding academics which is what this is all about. You nod and thank her for her words, knowing that they really do help.
There isn't really any use getting upset you can't be in the same room with her when she is right there on the screen in front of you and you won't even be able to be in the room with her until Thanksgiving break. You'll for sure be going back to Lima, doesn't matter what drama is there, you know you wouldn't miss dinner with your dads or seeing your friends. You think about how far it is til thanksgiving… You think about how you haven't had a hug like she gives since you last saw her before you both left. You think about how much you would give to just have a hug when you're feeling like this. There are worse situations, you know, but that doesn't mean you can't miss your best friend and be a little sad every once and a while. Now is one of those onces and a whiles.
At this moment she tells you that she has to go get her laundry from upstairs and finish her math homework. She tells you that you will talk again soon and then corrects her 'soon' to 'tomorrow'. She says you will for sure have your normal Monday night face time because she had to cut the one tonight short. You smile at her emphasis on tomorrow. She knows you wish you were talking longer. She knows and you know, but you also both know she has to go, and it's an understanding.
It's an interesting friendship you have, but it feels like it's finally been figured out. Even after going off to your own universities or academies or whatever, you guys still communicate in some way weekly, even better you also see her face and hear her voice almost every week. You know she loves it too by the way she lights up when talking, or calls just to do homework in someone's company, wanting that company to be you. You're over the boyfriend fact because she is still your best friend, regardless of who she is dating. She knows it and you know it and you love that the friendship is still growing even as you are as far apart as ever.
Right before she hangs up she says goodnight and looks directly into the camera on her computer and says, "Love you Rachel". You smile, hearing her say those words and respond sincerely with, "Love you too Quinn". The call cuts off and you are left with your Netflix still open, Meredith and Cristina on screen. Cristina is handing Meredith tissues to blow her nose. You didn't even realize that was where you left off. Your eyes start to water. You turn off Netflix, log off your social network accounts and listen to your Breathe playlist. The first song is "Breathe (2AM)" by Anna Nalick covered by the Greys Anatomy Cast from the musical episode. You begin to hum, and eventually you are singing along…
"…If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd, 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to…"