song fiction

MY IMMORTAL

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

She was walking down the hallway towards the Gryffindor common room, her head so full of pranks and her newest acquirements from the joke job in Hogsmeade that she didn't even notice him until he emerged form the shadows where he had apparently been waiting for her and stepped into her way with a confident and charming smile.

"Hey you."

"Hi Sirius," she answered, somewhat surprised.

He looked at her intently. "Your skin back to normal?"

She chuckled. "Sadly, yeah. I kind of liked the colour your potion turned it into."

He grinned, showing perfect white teeth that attractively contrasted with his black hair. "I was actually thinking about something," he said, taking a step closer to her. She raised her eyebrows, smiling. "You know I'm really sorry for spilling my potion over you like that -"

"Oh no, really?" she said, laughing. "Because I really didn't get it the last hundreds of times that you told me."

He grinned even more broadly. "But," he continued, "I was thinking I should make it up to you."

She nodded. "Oh absolutely. I'd say a hundred galleons should do the trick, don't you think?"

He laughed, a pleasant, bark-like laugh. "Actually, I had something else in mind."

He took another step closer, and she could feel his breath on her face. Her sarcasm left her, something that had never happened before, and for the first time in her life she didn't know what to say.

"What I had in mind was taking you to Hogsmeade next weekend," he suggested with a brilliant smile.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

He kissed better than anyone else. She found herself falling against him, no longer knowing where her legs where and how to use them, and still he didn't break the kiss, even though she could tell that he, too, had trouble to remain standing. Finally the inevitable happened and they fell onto the snow-covered ground, Sirius catching her fall by making sure she landed atop him, then rolling her over and kissing her again and again, soft and warm lips kissing hers with an intensity that made her forget all about the cold …

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

He collapsed on the stairs to the boys' dormitory and she flew towards him, heaving his panting body into an upright position. He leaned against the stone wall with his eyes closed, his hands shaking as he pressed them to his face.

"Sirius," she muttered, unable to keep the fear out of her voice, "oh Sirius, what's happened to you?"

He gasped for breath and as he took his hands away she could clearly see the bruises that covered his handsome face. She couldn't stop the tears at the sight of him so broken, they rolled down her face and she put her arms around his shaking body, wishing she could erase whatever was troubling him.

He took a long while before he finally spoke. "It's my parents … my brother. He – he joined the Death Eaters …"

He started shaking even more badly as he said it. "My brother! The Death Eaters! It'll kill him!"

She didn't know what to say or do to calm his troubled mind, his trembling body. "Sirius …" she whispered into his shoulder, a hand raking through his hair, touching his bruised face. "Sirius, it's okay, I'm here …"

Finally his arms wrapped around her, his shaking ceased.

"I love you, Sirius," she whispered.

He went rigid, utterly still. For seconds, neither of them said anything. "W-what?" he gasped finally.

She had said it without thinking about it, but now that she had, she knew it was the truth. "I love you," she whispered again.

He did not seem to be able to believe it. "R-really?"

"Yes. I love you, Sirius."

Finally he relaxed, the trembling stopped, he exhaled slowly.

They sat like that for a long while, and she felt nothing but relief at the fact that she actually had managed to ease Sirius' pain.

"You know," he said, "you're the first one that's ever said that to me."

And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

"I know it's nothing special …" He shrugged nervously. "But it's really the best I could afford with the money I inherited …"

The walls of the tiny apartment they were standing in where an ugly yellow colour. The furniture was broken and partly ruined, the floor was covered in stains, and the kitchen smelled so bad she didn't even want to enter it. The view out of the only window was blocked by a large business building right in front of them.

Sirius stood by the door, hands in his pockets, looking gorgeous as ever and extremely embarrassed and nervous as he tried to look anywhere but at her, awaiting her judgement tensely.

She walked towards him and kissed him, then took a moment to regain her balance. He was still nervous.

She reached up and took his chin in her hand, making him look at her. "It's beautiful, Sirius. I love it. I know we're going to be really happy here."

He laughed, relieved. "That we will be," he said, smiling down at her. "And soon we'll be buy a real place. Somewhere in the country. With lots of space for children and stuff."

She laughed; and then quieted, just looking at him. "I can't believe how lucky I am," she whispered.

He reached out and pulled her into his arms.

"Love you," she mumbled into his shirt.

"Love you more."

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind

Nightmares haunted her, and she didn't know where they were coming from. They were blurred and confused, yet oddly real.

Sirius, alone and despaired in a dark empty street. She wanted nothing but to run to him, but she couldn't reach him. The expression on his face was one she had never seen there before, his face was twisted into hurt and rage and desperation, and at the same time he seemed completely emotionless as he stood there. And then people were coming, lots of people, and they reached him before she could. He did nothing as they grabbed him roughly, just let them lead him away. His face was bloodless. She screamed, instinctively knowing that they were taking him away from her, far, far away, but she couldn't do anything but watch helplessly as they dragged him away, and finally turned into thin air, taking the one person that mattered to her with them.

As she woke up and found his side of the bed empty, she knew that everything that had ever been worth living for was gone.

Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

Her body ached all over, but she didn't even feel it anymore. The memories were tearing at her, torturing her, memories of a life long gone. She gasped for breath instinctively, but barely found air. Her hands were still clutching the empty bottles, stiff and frozen, unable to let go.

She felt the cold stone of the floor beneath her, distantly registered that her leg was curled beside her body at an odd and painful angle. She squinted but could not see, everything was like a thick, impenetrable fog.

She gasped again, croaked a name. "Sirius … Sirius!"

But he didn't respond. He never did.

A tear slid down her sweaty face, and she whimpered, rolling to the side clumsily, staring at nothing, not taking in the yellow walls of the apartment.

He had been in this room with her, just a few weeks ago …

But he never was never coming back.

She groaned, and her arm which had reached out to find Sirius who was a thousand miles away fell to the floor limply. Her eyes closed; she took a last, rattling breath, and then moved no more.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along …