Thank you for the roses that you sent me
They're beautiful
And you asked me to think of you
You know I will
Your note just said "I'm sorry, please forgive me."
I always do
But I have to let you know the way I feel
I opened the door of my one-bedroom apartment, flipping on the lights as I went. The day had worn on me so, that I almost failed to notice the fresh bouquet of flowers perfuming the air on my kitchen island. My feet carried me to a barstool where I silently stared at the bright red roses. Unintentionally, my face moved forward to breathe in the aroma drifting from their petals. The lemon yellow floral card drew my attention as I ran my fingers along the cardstock sides. "I'm sorry, please forgive me." was scribbled in black ink. John's messy manuscript surprised me at first, but then I remembered the obvious reason for his apology.
*Flashback*
"John, I cannot believe you are going to do this. You know how dangerous this is-," he tried to cut me off, but I continued on with my rant, "The love of your job has obviously gotten to your empty head!"
My face was red with anger. He had waited until the night of Over the Limit to tell me that he was facing Batista in an "I Quit" match. In no way did he think that I would let him go through with this.
"Well Hallie, what if I said that I don't care about what you think? Maybe you should just leave. Go home to your completely worthless life!"
I knew he was mad, but why did he have to bring up my haunting past of drugs and alcohol? John was smarter than that; I had opened up to him, because I thought he would never hurt me like this. Now I was beginning to wonder why I trusted him to begin with.
My eyes shot up to glare into his usually pooling blue ones. "You know I tried to quit that and I've been clean for years now."
"I didn't mean it like that." He sighed. His arms reached out for me, signaling a truce. So badly I wanted to run into his arms and be comforted, cheer him on in his match, and whisper the words "I love you." before bed that night, but that would be like relapsing again.
"Then how did you mean it John? There aren't many ways you can take that." He stared at me blankly. "I can find my own way home." My feet carried me through the door before he could object.
*End Flashback*
Since then, I've received various text messages and voicemails each saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry.", "I miss you.", or "Call me back, I need to hear your voice." I longed to be wrapped up in his warm arms once again, but I had to hold off for just a while longer.
I left you this message so you'd know
Sometimes loving me just means leaving me
Alone
Just then, I heard my phone vibrating on the countertop. It was clear that John was not going to give up easily. My phone flashed with an alert of "New Text Message". What a surprise. Was I going to answer this? Maybe a reply to let him know that I was doing okay would help him ease off of the contact for awhile. Yet it seemed as if by texting him back I was giving up on myself, and the things that I cared about. I read it anyway.
FROM: John(:
Hallie, I have told you that I am sorry, called you numerous times, and even sent you flowers. But nothing is working. I'm running out of ideas. I need you to come back to me, even replying to this message will make me feel so much better. I love you and miss you SO much baby. XOXO -John
The message brought tears to my eyes to know that he was hurting just as bad, if not more, than I was. Yes, he had been the cause of this incredible pain, but putting him through a different, more intense kind of pain wasn't the answer to the problem we were facing. I can see him now, sitting on the bench in the locker room, with his head in his hands, tired from the lack of sleep he has been getting.
I was tired of living in the past. But I knew that people would continue to bring it up; they have the right to. After all, those things had not only affected me, but them as well. Somehow I would try to work it into a way of reminding myself not to go back to that person that I used to be. Even though it might hurt me, like this situation had, it was a great reminder of how far I had come.
My decision was made. I WOULD reply to the message, I WOULD tell him I loved and missed him, but I WOULDN'T go back to him just yet.
TO: John(:
John, you will have to learn that sometimes loving me means giving me some time alone. That doesn't mean that I don't love you, because I certainly do. Love you lots and miss you much(: -Hal3
I needed time to think about my life. Hopefully after some time away, I would be able to return to him with the love he deserved to get. And I knew that he would never leave me to face anything by myself that I didn't want to. John Cena would never leave me where I used to be: cold, heartless, and most importantly alone.