Choose Your Poison
Disclaimer: Ahem… I don't own bleach.
"Kurotsuchi Mayuri, you stand accused of breaching the peace, inflicting grievous damage on several Shinigami including a number of seated officers. How do you plead?"
"Your honour…" Mayuri looked at the judge, Yamamoto soutaicho. He looked at the jury. Several Shinigami. He reasoned that he couldn't bribe the judge and intimidating the jury by activating his Ban Kai was going to get him in more trouble. He reviewed his situation. He was doomed. So he looked to a more helpful period. He looked to the chain of events that put him before this court.
Ten days ago, Mayuri had been peacefully testing some subject that would for some reason or other not stop screaming. He tried cutting the vocal cords. He was a little tired so of course he mistook the screaming for a defence mechanism of the test subject. Then he realised the screaming was his fukutaicho, his daughter. He burst into the room to find Matsumoto Rangiku holding his daughters arms, grinning maliciously. "What is the meaning of this?" he almost said before Kyoraku Shunsui and Ukitake Jyuushiro grabbed onto his arms. This time he really did say "What is the meaning of this?" the less shaven of the pair responded that they were having a party and needed a clown to entertain them. Mayuri said some very strong words as the pair dragged him away.
At the bar Mayuri sighed. He'd already told the drunken fukutaicho of the 10th division that no he would not be taking off his mask thank you very much for the 12th time! She was doing it every five minutes now! He thought that maybe her constant drinking was causing her brain cells to decay at a rate that prevented her from remembering that he… "No damnit! I will not be taking the bloody mask off!!!" where was he?
"Mayu-chan!" the very drunken Shunsui called in a sing-song voice "You look like you're thinking! That isn't allowed here!"
"How can I not think you incessant fool?!" Yelled back an angry Mayuri
"Not thinking is what drinking is all about!" replied the taicho who then burst into a rousing song on the topic.
Back in the courtroom Mayuri thought that all through that period he really hadn't been in control of the events. He was being dragged or talked to or something that wasn't his fault. As he thought about the next part he realised what had gone wrong was when he started talking with Ashisogi Jizou. Damn sword knew exactly what would happen, planned it all along. The two hadn't worked well since the whole 'you got your ass handed to you by some punk ass Quincy' argument.
He and his sword had quietly calculated the dosages necessary and moved efficiently. He was almost caught when a very, very drunken Soi Fong had leaned up real close to his face and said "I bet you're real ugly-like under that mask" The conversation had continued for another unbearable minute before Mayuri had broken free from the girl who was now trying to convince the bar-tender to have a threesome with her and "the chick in the mask". It took another five minutes of patient waiting before Matsumoto came up and asked if he was going to take his mask off. Only she didn't get past the mask part. She started to look very green indeed. As were a number of other Shinigami. After the vomiting started Mayuri and his Zanpaktou agreed to try something less, excretive next time.
Well Mayuri thought. That covered the grievous harm charges. But were did he get breach of the peace from? Ah yes it was Komamura. See the fox had been out with the others, in a similar situation to Mayuri, actually. And when everyone started being sick, Komamura had realised who was at the source, and tried to "destroy the traitor" by activating Ban Kai. Of course once he himself collapsed and began wretching, so did his Ban Kai. An unpleasant situation for all the houses that were crushed… and there occupants. In a supreme form of irony, a 12th division lab was crushed. Plus some worthless subordinates.
So standing in the courtroom how did he plead? It didn't really matter, every Shinigami in Seireitei thought he was guilty of some crime against nature every time they saw him walk down the street, so he wasn't getting out of this with his plea. For the hell of it he said "Guilty"
At the end Yamamoto soutaicho handed down his verdict. Kurotsuchi was to pay the ultimate price, he would have to remove his mask in front of all of Soul Society. Something was muttered about cruel and unusual punishment, but no one really cared.