I'm Not Letting Go
Summary: Jo's final thoughts.
Spoilers: set in 5x10 'Abandon All Hope'
Disclaimer: I don't own them even though I wish I did
Rating: K+
A/N: Oh God, this made me cry so hard. I really need to start writing happier stories.
. . . .
All I felt was extreme pain and blood trickling over my hand. I couldn't even feel my mother's arm as she wrapped it around me, or her soft hair as my head got too heavy for me to hold up alone.
I kept reminding myself as I held my guts in place that this was for the best. That out of this pure self-sacrificing act, I would be saving Dean and Sam, who deserved to live more than myself. My throat tightened and tears were running down my cheeks, but I sat still. Not just because I could no longer feel my legs, but because this had to be done.
This had to be done…
Dean's kiss still lingered on my lips, and I held onto it to replace the pain. I closed my eyes, buried my head deeper into my mother's hair, and imagined him over and over again. Imagined those soft green eyes, his round lips, that charming yet arrogant attitude, and most of all, how he would be able to do this.
I'll see you on the other side sooner or later. Probably sooner.
His words echoed in my head and that only made the tears fall faster.
I swallowed the lump in my throat when I could no longer feel my fingertips. A weight crushed down on my chest, making it hard to breath and terribly difficult to focus on anything other than my own heartbeat.
"I love you." Ellen said softly, patting my head gently. I hated when she said that. I hated it now more than ever, because I did not want to die feeling this terrible guilt that I had caused my own mother's death. But I loved her too. Even when she was treating me like a little kid and giving me lectures day in and day out, I loved her with all my heart.
"I…" I tried to speak, but the weight was crushing my lungs now. My head felt like it was spinning. I wanted to cry, to scream, to do something to reassure myself that I was still alive. That I was still here but my body was completely numb. I couldn't even open my eyes anymore. I sagged against my mother and I was sure this was it. This was the end.
But I could still hear her. I could hear her as she called my name, trying to wake me up. I could hear her as she tried to stifle a sob. I could even hear the hell hounds coming closer.
And then I heard him. I heard Dean's laughter echo in my head. It was like pure music and so beautiful that I didn't notice how sound faded away. Only did I notice the complete lack of pain when the images flashing across the back of my eyelids faded like someone dimmed the lights.
I tried to pull them back, tried to hold onto the few memories that were still there, but they were disappearing. And soon, I was alone.
The blackness surrounded me, pulling me down deeper into its thick, suffocating presence. I fought desperately, but it was a losing battle.
No matter how much I struggled, it swallowed me whole until there was nothing. No pain. No sadness.
Nothing.
But one pressing thought managed its way back for a split second before I fell completely into the abyss.
Dean…