I sit on the bench by the reflecting pool and stare at the clean pool. There are no leaves in it. For, its spring, it's been warm lately, but today is hot. I realize how much has come and gone, the world has evolved. The seasons have changed fall wasn't our season as I think back to the night on the steps in front of the Bureau.
Think back to the look in his eyes, the hurt my rejection had caused him. Think back to his words "I knew. I knew from the beginning Bones…we're that couple…thirty, forty or fifty years…" I knew too, I was just scared so scared Booth.
I think to a very different night on the steps of the Lincoln memorial now when I had just returned from Maluku and him from Afghanistan. Yes, everything had changed the seasons for time waits on no one, he didn't either. The little girl that sits down next to me startles me pulling me out of my silent reverie.
"Hey Miss. You don't look very happy, are you alright?" I stare at the little blonde hair almost to her bum swinging her legs back and forth as her blue eyes stare up at me. I wonder if Hannah looked like that when she was little.
"Yes, I'm fine."
"You don't look it, matter fact you look like your best friend just died or something."
I think of the child's words and think of my situation. It felt a tiny bit like when my best friend had died, metaphorically speaking. Though, he came back to me that time. This time Booth came back with someone else, went to her.
He was here but he wasn't, I wasn't here to him although he said I mattered. I don't know what he was talking about because I didn't feel like I mattered anymore. The blond eyes me curiously awaiting an answer.
"Well…"
"You can tell me I'm six now." I almost smile at her seriousness.
I answer honestly. "My best friend is gone."
"Oh, I'm sorry. My best friend had to move before too."
"No, he didn't move." Well in a sense he did, you see he moved on.
"What happened, did he die? My sister's friend's little brother did he was sick, he had cancer."
I whisper as I exhale. "No, but I did."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing."
"Oh, okay. If he didn't move and he isn't dead then where is he?" Good question kid.
"He…I can't see him right now." He has someone else to spend time with now.
"Why? Is it because you're in trouble?"
I exhale at her question. "Yeah, I guess I am." I'm in a predicament kid one I hope will never know. I missed my chance, the season changed. A full rotation was taking place, someone took my place. Fall stripped the world bare; winter covered the dead leaves with a clean white.
It masked the true depth of the cracked fallen leaves that litter the ground, made it less noisy when one step upon the ground. Now spring was here, supposedly a new beginning. Life was born in spring new beginnings, the cherry blossoms were pretty. I smile at the irony of the seasons and how they mirrored our relationship.
"You shouldn't have done or said what you did then you could probably see him." the little girl's words so simple yet true at the same time. They make me think back to the night a year ago in front of the Hoover.
"You're right I shouldn't have ever said what I did."
Yes, our relationship was like the seasons. In fall I died, in winter I hid my emotions coated them over, spring I let them show let them out. I wonder what summer had in store for us. For, in summer the whole world shown bright and the sun coated the land with warmth. Maybe, just maybe there was hope for us yet.
"Bye Miss my mommy is calling me, hope you aren't in trouble for too long." I smile at her words as I watch the little leave. If only she were the adult blond named Hannah. Though it's not Hannah's fault my best friend isn't around. I'm not upset with her more annoyed at her presence.
I'm upset with myself for what I said to him, for missing my chance and angry at him for listening to me and moving on. I know my thoughts are irrational, but I've learned so is love. He should have known I didn't mean it, he knows I know him like no other.
I hear a chirping and look up to see a nest in the Cherry blossoms the eggs cracked, baby birds squawking for their parents. They remind me of life and new beginnings and I smile a small smile filled with hope.
It was going to be okay it was only a matter of time before the egg shells that we were walking on broke. A shell is fragile and can only hold so much pressure until it cracks exposing to the world the hidden heart that beat inside. I smile remembering words that I knew were true "Everything eventually."