Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter! And as for the subject: Look. I know
abortion is a touchy subject. I ask, however, that you please try and be
civil in reviews or whatever. Flame if you feel that it's necessary, but
please bear in mind that I am not supporting abortion per se. I am trying –
and please, I'd love insight – to think about the psychological effects of
both rape and abortion. I am not trying to condone anything. Got me? I'm
glad.
For those who haven't caught on yet: WARNING! Deals with the aftereffects of rape, includes swearing, and the termination of a pregnancy. Get out if you can't deal.
*******
"Severus."
He looked up slowly. "No, Minerva."
"Severus – I'm not wrong. It's been two months, Severus. Two months since – well, you know. Since then. The spells say I'm not wrong."
"Minerva, it could be the effects of time. You know I hate brewing – those potions. I may be a cruel, coldhearted bastard, but killing unborn children is beyond my ability to stomach."
"So you would rather kill me." It was a statement, not a question.
"Minerva, no, but . . . ."
"But nothing. You can torture people to keep up an appearance but you're unwilling to save my life. Severus, I had no choice. It wasn't consensual, what did you think? I didn't spread my legs, lie back, or think of England. God – my memory's merciful to me, it's blurry in my mind – oh, but now I have this other reminder of their cruelty, too. I'm old, Severus. I bear the marks of a thousand disasters."
"Minerva . . . ."
"Severus, I can't bear this child. I'm young enough to get pregnant after being drugged and raped by Death Eaters – Dammit, Severus, your old friends – but I'm not young enough to bear the child. It will kill me, Severus, the child and I both will die if you don't do this. The question is how many people you want dead."
He winced slightly as she reminded him yet again of his old position as a Death Eater, but he struggled to keep his own composure. She deserved that much. His voice was quiet, and forcedly even, when he spoke."I want you both to live."
"That's not the option. You think I don't-- You think I- Look, you heard Poppy. It will kill me. Goddammit, Severus! I don't want to – I don't want- I don't want to kill my – this baby," she said, putting a hand on her belly slowly. Tears had begun to shine in her eyes, rolling down her cheeks. There was a long, heavy silence, and then she gave a shudder. "But I don't want to die!"
Severus Snape sighed, and looked at Minerva. She was thin and tired- looking, with skin sagging away from her bones and circles so dark under her eyes they looked like they had been painted on. He knew she was right, when it all was boiled down to the bones like she had been. She couldn't have the child and live. It was bad enough that she had had to go through what she had, even if she couldn't remember most of it.
It had been a memory potion that he made that had wiped away that memory. The memory of the Death Eaters and their lust. His pity for her ran deeply, and he couldn't see why he was stalling. He owed her this, it was the best he could do. It would kill her if he didn't. Kill her – his brave Minerva—
If the memories that she had didn't, either. He looked at her again. He hadn't seen her eat in three days, and she woke screaming from nightmares nobody knew how to end. She would flinch away at the lightest touch, and her eyes were wide with constant fear. He knew she didn't have the words for what she had endured.
She hadn't let him take away all her memories. He wondered why.
"Minerva, I . . . will make your potion," he said slowly. It was the look in her eyes that convinced him, but he sighed heavily.
She collapsed to the floor of the dungeons, sobbing. "Oh, God, Severus, I don't know whether to thank you or to kill you, you know that? It's a living hell. I'm so afraid – so afraid - and now I know I'll live but it's hurting me all over again. If I thought there was a chance- any chance – oh."
He wasn't sure what to do. Walking towards her, he reached out a hand. Her bony fingers extended slowly towards his and she took his hand, shaking. She let him left her to her feet.
And she was crying in his arms, an embrace that even the cold Snape had heart enough to give.
In the morning when Albus Dumbledore came down to the dungeons looking for Minerva, he found her sleeping, held in Snape's arms like a small child. He had stayed awake, sitting in his chair with her cradled on his lap, letting her cry and sob and vent and then, finally, sleep.
"So you agreed?" Dumbledore asked, a sad smile in his voice.
"I had no choice, Albus. You knew."
"Yes, I knew. I knew also that she would keep the child if she could. She's a strong woman, Severus, but everyone has a breaking point."
"Albus – even if I brew the potion, she's still a mess. She'd not eating, you can tell by looking at her, and we all know she's not sleeping. Her students worry; they'd rather have Transfiguration and all the homework that goes with it than to know that their teacher is -- like this." He paused. "I worry about her."
"We all worry, Severus, but she'll make it. I know she will. She needs time, and what you have given her; a shoulder to cry on. When she wakes, let her stay as long as she will, and then I believe you have a potion to brew."
"Yes," Snape said, and then Dumbledore quietly left the room.
For those who haven't caught on yet: WARNING! Deals with the aftereffects of rape, includes swearing, and the termination of a pregnancy. Get out if you can't deal.
*******
"Severus."
He looked up slowly. "No, Minerva."
"Severus – I'm not wrong. It's been two months, Severus. Two months since – well, you know. Since then. The spells say I'm not wrong."
"Minerva, it could be the effects of time. You know I hate brewing – those potions. I may be a cruel, coldhearted bastard, but killing unborn children is beyond my ability to stomach."
"So you would rather kill me." It was a statement, not a question.
"Minerva, no, but . . . ."
"But nothing. You can torture people to keep up an appearance but you're unwilling to save my life. Severus, I had no choice. It wasn't consensual, what did you think? I didn't spread my legs, lie back, or think of England. God – my memory's merciful to me, it's blurry in my mind – oh, but now I have this other reminder of their cruelty, too. I'm old, Severus. I bear the marks of a thousand disasters."
"Minerva . . . ."
"Severus, I can't bear this child. I'm young enough to get pregnant after being drugged and raped by Death Eaters – Dammit, Severus, your old friends – but I'm not young enough to bear the child. It will kill me, Severus, the child and I both will die if you don't do this. The question is how many people you want dead."
He winced slightly as she reminded him yet again of his old position as a Death Eater, but he struggled to keep his own composure. She deserved that much. His voice was quiet, and forcedly even, when he spoke."I want you both to live."
"That's not the option. You think I don't-- You think I- Look, you heard Poppy. It will kill me. Goddammit, Severus! I don't want to – I don't want- I don't want to kill my – this baby," she said, putting a hand on her belly slowly. Tears had begun to shine in her eyes, rolling down her cheeks. There was a long, heavy silence, and then she gave a shudder. "But I don't want to die!"
Severus Snape sighed, and looked at Minerva. She was thin and tired- looking, with skin sagging away from her bones and circles so dark under her eyes they looked like they had been painted on. He knew she was right, when it all was boiled down to the bones like she had been. She couldn't have the child and live. It was bad enough that she had had to go through what she had, even if she couldn't remember most of it.
It had been a memory potion that he made that had wiped away that memory. The memory of the Death Eaters and their lust. His pity for her ran deeply, and he couldn't see why he was stalling. He owed her this, it was the best he could do. It would kill her if he didn't. Kill her – his brave Minerva—
If the memories that she had didn't, either. He looked at her again. He hadn't seen her eat in three days, and she woke screaming from nightmares nobody knew how to end. She would flinch away at the lightest touch, and her eyes were wide with constant fear. He knew she didn't have the words for what she had endured.
She hadn't let him take away all her memories. He wondered why.
"Minerva, I . . . will make your potion," he said slowly. It was the look in her eyes that convinced him, but he sighed heavily.
She collapsed to the floor of the dungeons, sobbing. "Oh, God, Severus, I don't know whether to thank you or to kill you, you know that? It's a living hell. I'm so afraid – so afraid - and now I know I'll live but it's hurting me all over again. If I thought there was a chance- any chance – oh."
He wasn't sure what to do. Walking towards her, he reached out a hand. Her bony fingers extended slowly towards his and she took his hand, shaking. She let him left her to her feet.
And she was crying in his arms, an embrace that even the cold Snape had heart enough to give.
In the morning when Albus Dumbledore came down to the dungeons looking for Minerva, he found her sleeping, held in Snape's arms like a small child. He had stayed awake, sitting in his chair with her cradled on his lap, letting her cry and sob and vent and then, finally, sleep.
"So you agreed?" Dumbledore asked, a sad smile in his voice.
"I had no choice, Albus. You knew."
"Yes, I knew. I knew also that she would keep the child if she could. She's a strong woman, Severus, but everyone has a breaking point."
"Albus – even if I brew the potion, she's still a mess. She'd not eating, you can tell by looking at her, and we all know she's not sleeping. Her students worry; they'd rather have Transfiguration and all the homework that goes with it than to know that their teacher is -- like this." He paused. "I worry about her."
"We all worry, Severus, but she'll make it. I know she will. She needs time, and what you have given her; a shoulder to cry on. When she wakes, let her stay as long as she will, and then I believe you have a potion to brew."
"Yes," Snape said, and then Dumbledore quietly left the room.