The Best Things in Life Are Free

By: Mercurial Phoenix

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When the package arrived, Maru and Moro danced in circles around the bewildered deliveryman, cheerfully chorusing, "Package, package, package for Mistress!"

The man scratched his head and wondered why two oddly dressed little girls would be left apparently home alone. He shrugged it off and asked them (raising his voice a little to be heard over the joyful shouts of, "Present, mysterious present, secret present for Mistress!"), "Excuse me, ladies, but is this where I can find one Watanuki Kimihiro-san?"

That got their attention quickly enough, and they stared up at him in wide-eyed surprise and wonder before giggling delightedly, clapping their hands.

"Watanuki! Watanuki has a package! A package!"

"A package!"

Now the man was a bit more than slightly confused. "Um, that is…is he here or not?" he asked them slowly.

"He will be here shortly," said a voice from behind the two children. Startled, he glanced up to see a tall, thin, beautiful woman in an outrageously revealing yukata standing with one hand on her hip and a smirk on her lips that said, I know what you're thinking, and I kinda like it.

"A-ah, ma'am," he stammered, blushing. "That is…w-would you mind delivering this package to him?"

That smirk widened imperceptibly. "Perhaps…for a price," she drawled—seductively?—the light in her eyes taking on an unholy gleam.

"A-a-ah…T-the shipping f-fee has been taken care of alr-r-ready." He stumbled over the words like a schoolboy.

One hand reached up to toy with a butterfly choker around her neck. "Hmm, most assuredly it has. Watanuki is such a thorough boy, always seeing to annoying little details like taxes and penalties." She smiled wickedly. "However, the price I mentioned was not mine to pay the delivery service, but yours to pay me in return for a…service."

"A s-s-service?" Why was he reacting like this? He was a married man, for the gods' sake, and happily so! He'd fended off flirtations from women before, but unless he was greatly mistaken, this particular woman was—propositioning him…?

"Indeed," she purred, stepping closer to the deliveryman, who took a step back as if he were being stalked by a large, smug jungle cat. "A fair price, equivalent to the service provided. That's reasonable, don't you think?" She took another step forward, and unless he was sadly and sorely mistaken, she seemed to be enjoying his nervous retreat. "And after all, you wouldn't be here if you weren't seeking something…"

"I-I-I'm just doing my job, ma'am…"

"Hmm. A hard worker. You deserve compensation, don't you? Are you sure you don't want me to grant your deepest desire?" She smiled invitingly.

"U-um, m-m-ma'am, that's—" Terrifying. "—generous of you to offer, but—but I'm—" Terrified. "—um—g-g-oing to have to decline, b-b-because…"

"Decline?" She pouted slightly. "But it would be most certainly…worth your time." She smiled at him again, and added a wink.

The box in his hands trembled.

"Jeez, Yuuko-san, will you stop torturing the general populace?" an irritated voice rang out from behind them. The deliveryman turned his head to see the figure approaching, but, wary of showing his back to the strange woman, didn't turn around completely.

A boy of about eighteen years of age was jogging up to them from the gate, his glasses perched precariously on the edge of his nose. His eyes—were they two different colors?—were flashing in annoyance as he scowled at the woman. The two little girls cheered loudly at the stranger's approach.

Yuuko-san laughed merrily, as if she hadn't been practically hunting the deliveryman moments before. "Why, Watanuki, I'm sure you're mistaken," she told the youth as he came to a stop—thankfully—between the two of them.

He raised a brow and snorted. "Pushy saleswoman," he sneered.

Before the deliveryman could register the movement, Yuuko-san had smacked Watanuki-san over the head with a paper fan—where had she been hiding that? "What was that?" she growled from between smiling lips.

"Nothing, nothing," Watanuki-san grumbled, and turned to the deliveryman with a smile far more genuine and far less evil—erm, calculated—than Yuuko-san's. "Thank you for the delivery," he said with a polite bow.

Practically shoving the box at the boy, the deliveryman bowed and muttered a quick reply before hightailing it out of there.

The two oddly-dressed children called after him, "Thank you for the delivery!" He could swear that after the boy mumbled something under his breath, they were chanting, "Clutches, clutches! Escaped her clutches!"

He whimpered and ran.

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Watanuki sighed as he watched the fleeing deliveryman. He glared over his shoulder at Yuuko.

"Yuuko-san, why must you be such a…" His mind rejected several helpful suggestions before he finally finished lamely, "witch?"

She hummed innocently—"I wonder…"—then gave the box in his hands a curious look. "Whatever have you got there, Wa-ta-nu-ki?" she asked playfully. "And whatever is so important that you had it delivered here instead of your own apartment, on your day off?"

Watanuki blushed faintly. "Ah, well, that's…" He cleared his throat and turned away from Yuuko to face Maru and Moro.

"Maru-chan, Moro-chan, do you remember what tomorrow is?" he asked them gently.

The two girls blinked at him, trading a mystified look. Then Maru brightened.

"It's Watanuki's birthday!"

"Birthday!" chimed in Moro, clapping. "Watanuki is eighteen years old tomorrow!"

Watanuki smiled and knelt down in front of them. "That's right, it's my eighteenth birthday tomorrow."

Maru and Moro pointed to the box. "Is that a birthday present for Watanuki?" they versed, wide-eyed.

He laughed at them, not noticing Yuuko's lips curving in amusement. "Yes," he told them. "It's a birthday present, but not for me. It's from me." He held out the box to them. "Here, you open it."

Confused, Maru and Moro turned surprised glances up at Yuuko, who nodded at them. They took the box and, almost reverently, set it on the ground between them. Maru produced a sharp rock and slit the tape on the top flaps, and they pried it open.

Inside the box were two Western-style tea party dresses—one pink with blue pinstripes, the other white with red pinstripes. Both were extremely lacy and full-skirted, with matching bonnets and gloves.

Maru and Moro stared at the clothes, holding them up in the air to see them properly, struck speechless for a few seconds, before staring up at Watanuki. "These are for Maru and Moro?"

He beamed at them. "I asked Yuuko-san when Maru-chan and Moro-chan celebrate their birthday, but she wouldn't tell me. I thought it was sad that you girls don't get a birthday, too, so I decided you can share mine." At their blatantly astonished gazes, he flushed again. "Um, that's only if you want to, though. You don't have to. B-b-but even if you don't, those dresses are my present to you. Because…well…because little girls like pretty things," he floundered helplessly, "and Himawari-chan says they match your hair, and, um…"

He was brought to a stop when Maru and Moro quietly replaced the dresses in the box and pattered over to him. Throwing their arms around his neck and torso, they buried their faces against his shirt and hummed happily.

"Thank you, Watanuki," Maru murmured into his shoulder.

"They are very pretty dresses," Moro whispered, words muffled by his stomach.

"We are happy Watanuki got them for Maru and Moro," they chorused sweetly. "Maru and Moro love Watanuki very much!"

His cheeks stained bright red, Watanuki glanced helplessly up at Yuuko, who was smiling down at the three of them with what looked suspiciously like fondness in her eyes.

"Yes, well…I love you both too. You're like my little sisters, you know," he mumbled.

At that, the girls sprang up and joined hands, skipping in a circle around Watanuki as they had done the deliveryman. "Sisters, sisters, Maru and Moro are Watanuki's little sisters!"

"That makes Watanuki the big brother to Maru and Moro!"

"Watanuki has to be Wata-nii-chan!"

"And Moro is Moro-imouto!"

"And Maru is Maru-imouto!"

They twirled in a ring that made Watanuki dizzy to watch, even as he grinned in embarrassed pride at their joy in his gift.

Yuuko made a contemplative sound. "Well, you know, Watanuki," she mused. "Since I created Maru and Moro, that makes them like my daughters—"

"Daughters! Yay, Mistress is Mama now!"

"Mama! Mama!"

The girls hugged Yuuko explosively at this revelation, while Watanuki's eyes widened. He was getting a bad feeling about this…

"And if you're my daughters' big brother…"

"Oh no…" groaned Watanuki.

"Yaaay! Wata-nii-chan is Mama's son too!"

"Mama's son too!"

"What do you mean, I'm her son?" Watanuki protested. "She's probably too old to be my mother! She's more like a grandmother, or a great-great-great—ouch! Will you quit hitting me with that fan…!"

"Oh ho ho, what a naughty, disrespectful son I have!" Yuuko chortled behind one hand, fluttering the fan slightly out of Watanuki's reach with the other. "He'll have to be punished with extra chores!"

"Chores! Chores! Wata-nii-chan gets extra chores!"

"Chores? You mean slave labor!" Watanuki raged. Yuuko simply chuckled.

"Oh ho ho, and it sounds like he wants chores tomorrow too!"

"What? Why do I get more work? Tomorrow's my birthday!"

"Birthday, birthday, Maru and Moro have a birthday, and a Wata-nii-chan, and a Mistress-Mama!" The girls jumped up and down around Watanuki, making it hard for him to reach Yuuko and snatch the fan away. She tapped it to her lips thoughtfully and gave Watanuki a considering glance.

"That's right, tomorrow is Maru and Moro's birthday, Watanuki! You must bake them a special cake!"

He grimaced. "I was already making one!"

Yuuko shook her head patiently. "But that was your cake. Maru and Moro should each get a cake for their very first birthday celebration, don't you think?"

"Huh?"

She shrugged a shoulder elegantly. The fan, Watanuki noticed, had somehow disappeared. "Well, just because you share a birthday doesn't mean you share presents, does it? Or did you hope to wear those dresses as well?" she added slyly.

Watanuki imploded.

"I DID NOT!"

Yuuko clapped her hands as if the entire matter was settled. "Well, then, you can't expect them to share your cake as well! You don't mind making a cake for each one of them, do you, Wa-ta-nu-ki?" Where earlier her tone had been playful and mischievous, now it was dire and slightly foreboding. "You're not regretting your decision to share your birthday, are you? After it's made Maru and Moro so happy? You wouldn't begrudge them something like a cake for their birthday, would you?"

Watanuki sighed. He turned to the still-ecstatic Maru and Moro and smiled.

"What flavors would you like for cake?"

When they threw their arms around him this time, they tackled him right to the ground.

"Ow!"

"Chocolate and strawberry and vanilla frosting, with cherries and pink roses and pretty letters that say 'Happy Birthday, Moro-chan!'"

"Carrot and cinnamon spice and yellow and blue icing and little Mokonas all over and sprinkles that spell 'Happy Birthday, Maru-chan!'"

"And I'll have sake, as well! And Mokona will probably want champagne to go with it! And what's a celebration without a good wine? We'll need white and red, because it's a big celebration. So you'll need to make snacks to go with the alcohol!"

"…Yuuuuuuuko-saaaaan…!"

"Oh ho ho…"

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A/N: Um…Heaven's Gate it is not. But—but the Watanuki—and the squeeing—and the Maru-and-Moro-ness! And the Yuuko-flirting! And! And! …All right. I'm working on it, I promise. Updates on that front soon, promise!