Suspicions
Thinking back, Mimi can't come up with a single thing about Roger that said "gay". There have to be signs, she thinks as she paints her toe nails between long, drowning sips of vodka and waits for Roger to get back from the loft. He couldn't have just woken up today and decided he liked guys. That isn't how it worked. Or maybe it is, and Mimi just never realized it. No, she's pretty sure there have to be signs. She just missed them.
Maybe she should have been looking for some, instead of trying to figure out when Roger would be running away next or worrying about what would happen next time he left her. Maybe she needs more alcohol to help figure this out, and Mimi gladly helps herself to another swallow. He always seemed so straight that she didn't ever think she would have to worry about him giving her up like this. At least, he always seemed to like sex, and her short skirts, and going to the Cat Scratch Club.
Now that she thinks about it, no straight man should be that obsessed with his hair. Or leather, for that matter. The eyeliner should have tipped her off. Now that she knows, it makes perfect sense. All those times he goes up to the loft to practice, all those days he spends with Mark. She had just given up part of her shift and come home to surprise him. She just wanted to see what he did all day when she is off at her new job. Her new, clean, good job that she got for him. She had never expected this.
Just thinking about it makes her take another drink. Just thinking about it makes her want to go up there and throw herself at Roger and beg to know what she did wrong. She always knew she'd mess up somehow. She just never expected this.
Mark, of course, is obviously queer. Mimi doesn't even have to think about it. The way he followed Angel around, Mimi is surprised he never proposed. She takes another long sip of vodka, letting the last of the bottle burn down her throat. Odd. She remembers the bottle being full. She remembers her boyfriend being straight, her life not being a mess, all of those things. She remembers being happy with Roger. Nothing is ever the way she remembers it anymore.
Her toes are painted a brilliant pink, not just the nails but nearly her whole foot like she simply forgot what she was doing. Forgot to stop and pull away when all the lines were nice and clean. She tosses the bottle to the floor along with the last one she'd finished off earlier and gets up to grab another. She deserves to get drunk after what she saw today, she decides. First off, no one - no one - should have to see Mark naked. He's so pale, Mimi thinks, and kind of sick-looking. She giggles as she cracks open the bottle of tequila, drinking it straight. If that is Roger's only other choice, Mimi can't blame him for pretending to be straight.
Well, yes she can. She can, and plans to. He broke her heart, after all, pretending all this time to love her when he has been sleeping with his best friend. What is that all about, anyway? The two are like brothers. Sleeping together is like... like incest. She giggles again. Only this isn't funny. It's very serious. Roger has been cheating on her. All this time, Roger acts so jealous and possessive, and she is the victim. She has been a good little girl. No cheating, no drugs. Not after what happened with Roger running off to Santa Fe. Coming back to Mark, her mind fills in as she tries to make it from the refrigerator to the bed. She remembers this path being a lot less shaky.
Mark. She should have seen this coming, she thinks, or the alcohol thinks for her but it does go through her head. They were always really close. Roger didn't even want to go out with her at first, she remembers. She almost had to force him, and Mark still had to be there to help push. They were like brothers, she remembers thinking the first time they were together at the Life. Only it turns out they're like brothers who fuck.
"Mark doesn't even have pretty eyes," she mutters, nearly stumbling over a chair someone left lying about. The nail polish falls from her hand, banging against her toe. No pain. Thank God for alcohol. "You hear that?" she yells towards the ceiling. "I hate his eyes, and your dumb song!"
Mimi loves that damn song. She wants to wake up to it every day, to sleep beside it every night without wondering if it will be gone the next morning. Mimi wants to sing it to children she'll never have.
As she falls back into bed the tequila spills over to leave dark stains against the sheets. She rolls onto her back and glares up at the ceiling, ignoring the dripping bottle. "Men are all the same!" she yells, knowing Roger can't hear her, but she needs to get this out. "Married or gay... Doesn't matter. You're all pigs! Worse than pigs... Pi..." Mimi's words fade away, turn into quiet sobs as the still mostly full bottle of tequila rolls off the bed and to the floor. Turning away from the ceiling, Mimi curls up around a pillow. She hugs it like an old friend, like it's the only thing left that can keep her safe. She can't stop the tears, and it's making her choke. Alcohol can stop a lot, but it still feels like her heart has been ripped out.
"I hate you," she mutters into her pillow, crying harder when she realizes it's not true. "I hate you."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"It is so... fucking... hot."
"It is summer in New York."
"I'm going to die."
"You are not going to die."
"You know, it'd be cooler if you would move."
"Roger, there is only one fan. I'm not moving off the couch so that you can have it. Besides, shouldn't Mimi be home by now?"
"I don't know. What time is it? I'm too lazy to lift my head and look."
"Why don't you go down to your apartment and check?"
"Would I have to put clothes on?"
"Unless you want the whole building seeing you in your boxers. Which, by the way, thank you for actually wearing underwear this time."
"At least I'm not wearing tighty-whities my mom sent me."
"This is the last time I invite you up here to share the fan."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Mimi's typical style of fighting is to let everything simmer in a nice, silent heat. Don't give in, don't say a thing, don't even look at the person and wait until they break. Only now she still has hot tear tracks running down her face and almost two bottles of vodka and some tequila in her, and Roger's heavy hand on her shoulder is a reminder of just how broken he left her.
"Hey, baby." Roger's soft voice fills the room as the mattress dips down beside her. Mimi turns away from him, cold and none responsive the gentle hand on her shoulder. Usually, she just stay quiet, jerk away from his touch, but what good is withholding contact from a guy who doesn't even find you attractive? How could he have lied to her for so long, after everything they'd been through? He must really hate her, must think so little of her to do this. To lie and cheat and expect her to never find out, to not care if she falls in love with him or if he's breaking her heart.
Roger's rough hand is rubbing against her shoulder, an almost comforting gesture. At least it would be, if Mimi's mind weren't spinning with earlier images of him and Mark spread out over the couch together. She finally gets the strength to jerk away from his touch. Roger's hand hovers close to her for a second before he sighs and starts pulling off his clothes. Even in the hot summer weather, trapped in a building with no AC, Mimi has wrapped herself securely in the blankets. Maybe he'll take the hint. Maybe he'll just go back to his Mark.
Roger, oblivious as always, lies down next to her, wrapping his arms around Mimi. He nuzzles up to her, just like it's any other night. To him, it must be just like every other night. Go fuck his roommate then come back here to pretend to love Mimi. Only now Mimi knows, and she's been crying and drinking over it for the last few hours, and how could he hurt her like this? Does she really mean that little too him? Is she really that bad of a person, that he doesn't mind breaking her heart?
Chapped lips start working down her neck. It's all too familiar to her. Roger comes in and wraps her in his arms, kisses her until she starts purring. Is it some kind of joke to him? Some experiment to see if he can like girls? This is exactly like Benny. Hold her, tell her she's beautiful, give her what she wants and then let her find out he's married. It took Angel to tell her she is better than that, better than most of the girls at the club where married men or drunken jerks are all they can get. Mimi believed her, and she still believes her best friend now.
Only Benny had been a creep, and Roger is... Mimi doesn't know if she can do this. Steeling herself, she tries to find the strength. She doesn't need him. She is a good person and she deserves better than being used like this. Angel... If Angel where here, she would tell her she deserves better than this. She would hold her and laugh and make everything okay. But she's gone, and Mimi doesn't have that much time, and it would be so easy to just spend this last year pretending Roger loved her.
"Chica," Angel said with her arms around Mimi, rocking her softly. This was after some woman named Allison comes around the building looking for Benny. Benny, her husband. "You know you're worth more than that. You don't deserve anything less than a man that will love you and only you."
Angel's words give her strength, and Mimi pulls herself away from Roger's strong and comforting arms. Roger doesn't even hesitate before moving back to her. Who does he think he is? Using her and acting as if there is nothing wrong with what he's doing? She is better than that, and Roger is an asshole for not thinking so. "Go away, Roger," she says, voice slightly slurred from drinks and tears, but still cold as she pulls herself away once again.
The mattress dips as Roger props himself up. He probably has that adorable lost puppy dog look he gets when he's confused and isn't sure what he's done. If Roger were a dog right now, Mimi thinks, she would give him to the pound. Or to Benny. That seems like a fair punishment. "What's wrong, Mimi?"
What's wrong is you've been upstairs doing hell knows what with your "best friend" while I went through rehab and nearly died all so I would be good enough for you. Mimi wants to say that, but she just bites at her lip. Maybe if she stays quiet, he'll just go away. Back to his little boyfriend. Her silence only gets Roger touching her again. Running his hand down her arm like he has any right after what she caught him doing earlier.
"Mimi," Roger calls for her again. Mimi pulls the blankets tighter around herself, as if the month eaten fabric is a shield against that voice. "Mimi, why are you-"
"Just go away." Mimi keeps her eyes closed and herself cut off from Roger. She barely whispers the words, but there is enough venom in her voice to hold back any signs of tears. She will not let Roger Davis think he got the best of her. She will not let him walk all over her and let him leave thinking he actually meant something. If he really thinks so little of her, she is going to make damn sure he knows he means just as much to her.
"Mimi, what is this?" Roger asks, sounding like he's defending himself. As if he has any right to be defending himself. Fuck him, and Benny, and every guy who has ever taken advantage of her. "What's going on?"
Mimi sits up now, trying to look like a strong young lady and not a heartbroken girl. She can do this. She can do this. She doesn't have to love him. "You know exactly what's wrong!" She accuses, not yelling but damn close and if Roger keeps giving her that look, the one that makes it seem like this is Mimi's fault, she will slap him. "I don't want you here anymore, you understand? Just... Just get out!"
Roger has no right to look as pissed as he does. "What are you talking about? Did I do something? Did... Is this drugs?" He gets out of bed, looking down at her with this look of disgust. Mimi returns it with a cold glare. All the passion that burned between them, the heat is suddenly turning to hate, and they have enough chemistry that it might just start exploding. At least with Benny there was only sex and money. There was nothing there and so the fight was simple, clean. With Roger, Mimi feels like her heart is on fire and it's fueling her temper. She is not going to back down. She is not going to disappoint Angel. "It's drugs, isn't it?"
"It's not drugs," Mimi snaps. How can he even accuse her of that after everything she's did to save herself. She quit for him, and he has the nerve to cheat on her and then turn around and claim she is the one messing up their lives? "It's you! It's always been you, Roger..." Where is this fight even going? Mimi doesn't know, but she just keeps ranting and raving, hoping to say something that will cut into Roger. "You're always up there with your guitar, you never want to be with me!"
"You're always working!" Roger spits back, hands pounding down into the mattress as he comes eye to eye with her. Mimi glares back, and she must look like her mother now when Cristian came home smelling like alcohol. Stubborn and righteously upset. "It's not my fault you spend all that time at the club!"
"So that you don't starve to death!" Mimi counters, not backing down even when Roger is inches away and growling. He's bigger, sure, but she is the woman scorned in this picture. "So that I can get us AZT and food -"
"And smack!" Roger says, and Mimi almost does slap him. She curls her fist into the sheets, barely holding herself back.
"Not smack!" Mimi shouts, loud enough that Mark can probably hear. Let him know they're fighting. He probably wants Roger back, anyway. "I stopped doing that, Roger. I stopped for you, but if I knew you were such an asshole, I would have never stopped! I would have stayed with Benny!"
It's a lie, but it does what Mimi wants it to. It hurts him. Even if it's just some shallow scratch to his masculinity, she can see it stinging. It doesn't feel good like she thought it would. It doesn't make the fact that Roger is cheating on her hurt any less. She still wants to hold him, to whisper and kiss him and apologize until this is right between them. She still loves him, even after what she saw.
Mimi falls back against the bed, the feeling of defeat weighing her down. He made her love him, and no matter what he does it's still there.
"I'm leaving," Roger says, grabbing his guitar again and storming towards the door.
"Good." It doesn't have the earlier ferocity of her words. It sounds defeated, stale. Mimi just wants to cry out to him, reach for Roger and hold him against her and make him hers again. It doesn't matter about Mark, about his accusations. She still loves him.
The door slams, and Mimi collapses against the bed. Why does she still love him?
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"You're back?"
"It's Mimi, she... I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
"You're running away again. You said you'd stop that. You promised her you-"
"Leave it alone! She's being a bitch, okay. I don't want to be down there."
"Rog?"
"I just... I don't know. It felt like we were doing so good then... I think... I think she's using again."
"What?"
"She said she wanted to go back to Benny."
"She didn't mean it. You know she loves you."
"I know just..."
"Did you ask her?"
"Huh?"
"About the drugs. Did you try talking about it?"
"I don't want to talk about this."
"You never want to talk."
"I'm going to bed. See you in the morning."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
It would be so easy just to go back to how things were before Roger.
Mimi sits on the edge of her bed, staring at the spoon, the candle, the needle. The powder rests to the side, untouched since she laid it there. It would be so easy to go back to how things were before she fell in love. Slip the needle into her skin and Roger will be the last thing on her mind.
She keeps staring at the powder. Roger already seems to think she's using again, so what would it hurt? She doesn't have that much time left, anyway. Everyone knows it, she can tell by their looks of pity they give her. Why shouldn't she enjoy what time she has left? No day but today, after all.
Mimi is jolted from her thoughts when the door swings opens. She expects to see Roger, maybe trying to apologize, but there is a small blonde with wide eyes standing in the hallway.
"You aren't..." Mark takes a few steps into the room, expression fading from shocked to disappointed. "Mimi, what are you doing?"
Mimi glares down at the covers. She can't deal with Mark's disappointment in her. What did he expect after what Roger did to her? "Get out."
Like Roger, Mark just cannot listen. "Mimi, what is this? We thought you stopped this."
"I did," Mimi says, fiddling with the powder. "Maybe I changed my mind." She's just looking for something to stop the pain. She just needs to love something else the way she loves Roger, and at least heroin can't sleep around.
Mark won't even let her have that, though. He snatches the bag from Mimi and stuffs it in his pocket. He has this bright resolve burning in his eyes, and Mimi remembers Roger telling her about his withdrawals. Mark has done this before, and he isn't going to let her. As much as she hates Mark for taking Roger away from her, from lying to her about their relationship, she is thankful.
She doesn't want to be that girl again no matter how much it would help the pain end. She doesn't want to slip back into drugs and sleeping around and ruining herself. She wants to be happy with Roger, but Mark is the only one who gets that. She lets Mark take the smack away and sit next to her, rubbing softly at her back. She hates him, she hates him, she hates him, but she's thankful he's here to save her.
"You don't have to do this," Mark says as he tries to comfort her. Mimi is beyond comfort, but she doesn't find the energy to jerk away as he touches her. "Just because Roger left after you guys had that fight..."
"And back to you," Mimi says, unable to stop herself. The bitterness just breaks through. "Like usual."
Mark doesn't back away though. Figures it would take more to get him to give up. Mark just keeps sticking to people, like he still there for Maureen even after she's broken up with him. Maybe he and Roger deserve each other. Mark to cling and Roger to run away. "We still love you, Mimi. We want to see you clean."
"Just not as much as you love each other, huh?" Mimi asks, and she really wants to pull away but she's been bottling this heartbreak inside. Something about Mark with his goofy glasses and warm arm around her shoulders makes her want to break down in his arms. "He loves me, just not enough to tell me the truth."
Mark pulls back slightly. Not enough to let go of Mimi, but just enough that she has to look away so he can't tell she is close to tears. She is not going to cry over Roger. She doesn't need to love him. "What are you talking about Mimi?"
"You know..." She takes a deep breath, refusing to let herself break down over a man who doesn't love her. Who would cheat on her like that. "He loves you."
"What do you mean?" Mark asks, slipping his glasses further up his nose and setting this look on Mimi.
Mimi makes a vague hand motion, waving uselessly at the wall as if this means anything. "You and Roger. I saw you guys. On the couch." Mark stays silent, as if he has no idea what she's talking about. Annoyed, Mimi pulls out of his arms and stand up. "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!" she says, starting to build up that temper Roger left her with. It's harder to get too upset with Mark, though. The passion that she feels for Roger isn't there, and it leaves her feeling more exhausted then upset. "You were... naked, for God's sake."
If Mimi weren't so upset, the way Mark looks up at her would almost be funny. The only thing mildly amusing is that it makes her want to punch him, and she's pretty sure she could take him. "That's not... That's not what it looked like," Mark says, jumping off the bed and waving his arms around frantically. "We were just cooling off. We never... It's not... I'm not gay!"
Rolling her eyes, Mimi starts to grab her purse. She needs to get out of here. She can't stand the lying anymore. "I know what I saw, Mark."
"It's not like that, Mimi. He would never cheat on you," Mark says, following her towards the door. Mimi snorts, stuffing her things into her purse as she heads out. "And I'm not gay!"
Before Mimi can slam the door, Mark is grabbing her arm and pulling her back in the apartment. "Let go!" she says, wiggling and squirming around to try and get away from him. Mark is pretending to be so sweet and ignorant when Mimi knows exactly what he had been doing with Roger. It's one thing for Mark to come down and comfort her, but to lie directly to her? Are these boys up there laughing at her in her free time? "Get the fuck away from me, Mark."
"You have to listen to me," Mark says, loosening his hold but not giving up. "He loves you, Mimi. More than he loves music, April, or drugs! You are his life, and he would never do anything to hurt you!"
Mimi starts slapping at his hand, finally managing to get out of his hands. She turns towards the door, glowering at him as she heads out into the hallway. Mark just runs after her. "He isn't Benny!"
That makes Mimi stop. She slowly turns, looking back to Mark with wide eyes. Roger is Benny, she thinks. Lying to her, making her think they loved her. They are the exact same men that always date her, but in this case Roger made her fall in love. That is the only difference. Mark stands at her door, eyes begging her to stay as he takes a small step forward. "He isn't Benny, Mimi. He loves you, and he isn't cheating and never would. He loves you too much for that."
Mark takes that next step forward with his hand held out to her. "You know it's true, Mimi. You're nervous and you're scared, but you know Roger would never do that to you."
Mimi brushes her hand across her cheek, surprised to find hot tears running down her face. "I don't..." Her voice breaks, and here she is breaking down like she swore she wouldn't. "I don't want to use again."
"I know," Mark says, wrapping his arms around Mimi. Holding her in the middle of a dirty hallway in a broken down building, comforting her even after all she's said to him. He holds her, swaying her gently as he cries into his shoulder, wishing for Angel and Roger and life.
"I'm so scared," she admits after her tears have dried up and she can talk around the sobbing. Then another pair of arms are wrapping around her, familiar and warm. She looks up to see Mark pulling away, still smiling at her. Roger gathers her in his arms, holding her like if he lets her go she'll melt away.
"It's okay, Mimi," he whispers, slowly leading her back to her room. "I love you." Mimi curls her hands into Roger's shirt to keep herself steady, giving Mark a thankful smile before Roger closes the door behind them.
"No matter how sick I get?" She asks as he sets her on the bed, still in his arms. She has to cling to him for a while. Needs to know he's still there. She doesn't have to leave first to stop from being hurt. Roger won't leave her.
"Always," Roger promises, kissing her cheek gently and rocking her slowly as they sit on the edge of the mattress, tangled in each other. "No matter what."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"So, she really thought we were gay?"
"She thought you were gay. She thought I was sleeping with you."
"I'm not-"
"I know, Mark."
"I don't think it was about being gay, though. I think it was about..."
"Yeah..."
"Do we really act that gay?"
"What? No. We're just best friends is all."
"Just checking because Benny and Mimi and Maureen."
"Don't over analyze it, Mark. You said yourself that she was just afraid."
"I was just wondering. What are we doing that so many people think we're fucking?"
"Maybe it's because you act so much like a girl."
"I do not. If anyone is the girl, it's you. Who spends all his time writing love poems? Sorry, 'songs'. You're like... a fourteen year old girl."
"Well, you look more like a girl."
"I do not!"
"If we were gay I would be on top."
"What?"
"You'd be the girl. I mean, look how you were with Maureen... Yeah, I'd be on top."
"You're an asshole, Davis."