Best For Last: PT II
One
ELIZA'S POV
Eighteen months later…
This day is kicking my ass. Not only have I had a pounding headache since I woke this morning, but I still have three hours to go before I can head home for the evening. My second year at university in Florida is more than underway and honestly, I'm not sure I have the energy for the rest of the year. I'm not sure I have the mental capacity to even make it through the rest of this day.
Arizona is due to call me tonight but again, I don't think I have the energy for that. It's too hard. It's been too hard since she left a year ago, signing for a soccer team in England. I know it's what she wants to do so I couldn't stop her from going. I wanted to, I wanted to lock us away forever and never let her leave my side, but I couldn't. I couldn't because that wouldn't be fair to her and I know that she would only resent me one day.
We broke it off a few weeks after she left but it wasn't because we didn't love each other. It wasn't because we didn't want to be together. It just makes life easier for us both. I don't know the next time I'll see her, and she doesn't know when she's coming home. Her contract runs for the next two years and she's pretty busy right now. So busy that we barely speak anymore. Our life...is as friends.
Do I miss her? More than anything. Do I want her to come home for me? No. No, I don't. She deserves this opportunity. She deserves for the world to know her name. I've spent my life growing up with her, and I had the pleasure of loving her for a short time, but this is her career. She wasn't born to do anything else. So, she packed up her things in Florida, and she left. She left on a flight to England and I haven't seen her since.
Flicking through her twitter account while I have a spare ten minutes, I smile when I find new pictures retweeted by her, originally from the team account. She looks good. She looks amazing. I know how hard she's worked for this, so seeing my ex-girlfriend doing what she loves...it makes me feel better about the decision she made. Her smile, it's as wide as it ever was. Her eyes, possibly bluer than ever. God, those eyes.
Scrolling further down, my own smile dips when I find a picture of Arizona and her teammate, comfortable and kissing. She's dating. God, I never thought this moment would come. Jade Wilkes. Hmm. I don't have any right to a say in her life, but I still didn't think I would feel like this. Like, my heart has just been ripped out of my chest. Like, she is standing all over it while her girlfriend watches on, laughing. It hurts, but it isn't our life anymore. It's Arizona's, and it's mine...separately.
My cell pinging in my hand, I switch apps and pull up the message I've just received. It's from Claire, a girl I take one of my classes with.
C: Did you want to study together tonight?
E: Sure. Where?
C: Your place? It doesn't seem as academic.
E: Fine by me. Seven?
C: Seven sounds perfect!
Locking my cell, I pull my messenger bag up onto my shoulder a little better and head for the library. Arizona and her mom agreed that I should keep the apartment originally meant for us, but I don't care. I don't care because it was supposed to be our place. It was supposed to be our future together. I may not hate Arizona for leaving and bettering herself, but I still hate the fact that I lost her.
The only thing keeping me going is knowing how happy she is. Doing what she loves and making a good living for herself. I just wish it could've been different. I wish I could've gone with her to England and watched on, complete pride for her. I wish I could've but I couldn't. Leaving the US would've meant I'd be throwing my own hopes and dreams away. Yes, it may only be university, but I worked hard to get here and Arizona agreed.
E: You wanna share dinner?
C: Dinner would be great.
Smiling at Claire's reply, I shove my cell into my back pocket and head inside the library. We've been hanging out a lot over the last few months, but I've held back. She's pretty open about her feelings for me but honestly, I've been waiting for Arizona to fall into my arms. I've been waiting for her to show up at the place we were both supposed to live and tell me she couldn't live without me. Deep down, I know that's never going to happen. Deep down, I know we had our chance and our time together.
Deep down, I'm tired of falling apart every night.
Settled on the couch, the clock just hit 5 pm and now I'm waiting for Arizona to call. We video call whenever we can, but tonight I feel different. Tonight, I feel like we're really only friends. In the back of my mind, I always wondered how Arizona felt when we spoke. I always wondered if she missed me or wanted to hold me. I guess I was a fool to believe that everything would one day come full circle for us. When we broke it off, I guess I always hoped she would be there for me.
I suppose a five-hour time difference and thousands of miles between us really did create distance. I suppose being in another world, so to speak, always meant we wouldn't work out. I'm looking forward to speaking to her in some way, but not in the way I usually am. The sooner this call begins and ends, the sooner I can truly get on with my life. I won't lie awake thinking about her every night. I won't wonder if she's okay and sleeping well. Arizona has her own life and I have to let her live it. I have to finally let her go.
A familiar sound filtering through my open plan living room, I climb from the couch and head for my desk. I've wrapped up a little tonight because I'm not feeling too good, but I'm sure Arizona will put a smile on my face. I'm sure I'll only take one look at her and I'll feel warm inside.
"Hey!" I wait for the video to catch up to the audio. "You there?"
"I'm here." Those blue eyes stare back at me, Arizona's dimples popping. "So good to talk to you, Eliza."
"It's been a while, huh?"
"It has and I'm sorry for that." She runs her fingers through her hair. "The club has me working my ass off."
"That's your kinda thing though, no?"
"Oh, for sure." Arizona nods. "I'm still super tired, though."
"Sorry about that." I give my ex-girlfriend a sad smile. "Everything else good?"
"Yeah. It's really cold here…"
"Mm, I may have checked out the weather from this end." Shrugging, Arizona stares through the screen at me. "What?" I furrow my brow.
"Nothing." She shakes her head. "Just...you look good."
"Thanks." I clear my throat. "Just working out and keeping busy."
"You've been working out?" Arizona deadpans.
"Don't sound so shocked." I roll my eyes. "You're not the only one who can work out."
"So, I had something to tell you…" She goes completely off topic.
Great. Here goes the girlfriend speech…
"Okay…" I draw out.
"I'm coming home for the holidays." Arizona's smile grows wider but mine is non-existent.
"Awesome." I shift in my seat.
"I thought you'd be more excited than that."
"It would be good to see you," I admit.
"Yeah?" Arizona sits forward, leaning into her screen. "You wanna hang out?"
"I-If I'm home, yeah." I stutter. "I don't know what my plans are…"
"Surely you'll be headed home to your mom? You never miss Christmas with her."
"She might be coming here," I say.
"Eliza, is everything okay?" Arizona has that look of worry in her eyes.
"Will Jade be coming with you?" I can feel that lump forming in my throat, but I have to remember that she isn't mine anymore. She hasn't been for a year.
"You know about Jade?"
"No, I just picked that name out of thin air and hoped for the best." I roll my eyes. "So?"
"Yeah, I think she is." Her eyes focus on the keyboard in front of her. "Just depends. I'm not sure of her plans…"
"Guess we're all unsure about what's going on then, huh?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing." My forehead creases. "You should've told me, Arizona…"
"I didn't want to have that conversation with you."
"So, you were just going to show up at home with her and expect me to not be surprised?"
"You said we should date." My ex-girlfriends voice breaks. "You said I should move on in the UK."
"I know." My heart sinks when she relays my words to me. "Just...you should've told me."
"Sorry." Arizona's eyes fill with tears. "I am, Eliza. I'm sorry for everything."
"What do you mean?" I look at her confused.
"For leaving the US. For leaving you." She sighs. "I promised you we would do Florida together and I went back on that promise. I hurt you and I need you to know that I'm sorry."
"Arizona, we've been through this many times over the last year, since you left. You've got nothing to be sorry for."
"Doesn't feel that way." She breathes out.
"Look, you're happy and you're doing what you love. You're professional now and I'm proud of you."
"Thanks." She gives me an awkward smile. "You hate me, don't you? Deep down, I know you do."
"I could never hate you for following your dreams." God, I want to touch her. Hold her. Breathe her in. "You did the right thing and I'll always support you."
"You're a good friend." She wipes a tear from her jawline. "Maybe we could arrange to meet or something when you know more about your plans for the holiday?"
"Yeah." I smile. "We should do that."
Honestly, I've no intentions of meeting up with Arizona if she comes home.
I want to. I want to, but I can't. Not if she's here with her girlfriend. It would break my heart and seeing her would only make me miss her more. Seeing her would only make me want to never let her go again. I couldn't watch her board another flight and leave my life, it was too hard the last time around.
"I should call it a night." She breaks me from my thoughts. "I have to train at 6 am."
"Sure, yeah." I nod, wrapping my arms around myself. "You'll take care of yourself?"
"You're talking to me like you'll never speak to me again…" Her eyes holding nothing but sadness, I need to end this call. Seeing her like this, it's breaking my heart. It's killing me inside.
"No, I just…" Sighing, I have to rip off the band-aid. "I think we should talk less."
"Right." Her eyes close as she chews on her lip. "Whatever you want."
I don't want this. I never wanted this to be our future.
"If you need anything…" She says, her voice cracking. "Y-You know you can call me."
"I think I'll be okay." I smile, half-hearted. "Focus on your career, Arizona. I always knew you'd make it."
"I-I…" She drops her gaze, cutting herself off. "Yeah, thank you."
"Goodbye, Robbins."
"Bye, Minnick."
The video feed cutting out, I sit back in my seat, tears slipping from my eyes. I don't know how this day is ending how it is, but I know it was only a matter of time. I knew Arizona would move on and find someone else. She doesn't deserve to be lonely, though. This isn't what any of this is about. We made a joint decision in all of this and now I have to stand by it. I can't be mad at her for meeting someone. I can't be mad at her because I've been holding onto something that was never going to happen. I can't be mad at her…I love her too much.
Picking up my cell, I hit a familiar number and wait for my call to connect.
"Eliza, honey?" My mom's voice soothes me. "How are you?"
"Hey, mom." I sigh. "Just finished a call with Arizona…"
"How is she?" She asks. "I watched her game a few nights back."
"You did?" I smile, the love my mom has for my ex-girlfriend evident. "I was studying so I didn't catch it."
"Not to worry, sweetheart." She says. "I'm sure you'll catch one soon."
"I-I can't watch them, mom," I admit. "I can't see her…"
"Oh, Eliza." My mom sighs. "I thought you were both getting along as friends?"
"We are but it's not enough, mom." I stand and approach the couch. "It was never going to be enough and I should've known that."
"You said you've just spoken to her?"
"Yeah, I uh…I said we should talk less." I clear my throat. "She doesn't need me around anymore. Whether I'm thousands of miles away or not, she doesn't need me in her life."
"Eliza, Arizona will always need you in her life," Mom says. "I spoke with Barbara last night and she's coming home for the holidays. Arizona is so excited to see you."
"Yeah, well she won't be seeing me." I breathe out. "And I just told her that."
"What's going on?" Mom asks, her voice laced with concern.
"She has a girlfriend, mom."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh." I scoff. "I mean, I know I told her we should date and I know we're not together anymore, but it still hurts." My voice breaks. "Everything was perfect until freaking England came calling."
"I know, honey." Mom's voice softens. "I know."
"So, we have to not be friends anymore." I cry. "It's easier this way. It's going to be hard, but not as hard as it would be if I watched her arrive back home with her girlfriend. I couldn't do it, mom."
"I understand." She sighs. "I understand completely."
"I should go. I'll call you through the week, okay?"
"You want me to come visit you?" Mom perks up. "I could use some us time."
"Yeah, that would be nice." The thought of spending time with mom always feels good, but I know I need her now more than ever. I know that as this week progresses, I'm likely to fall apart completely. "When will you get here?"
"You have classes all week?"
"I don't have anything after Thursday," I say. "I'm blessed with long weekends."
"Then I will arrive Thursday evening. We will spend the weekend together, okay?"
"I love you, mom." Trying to hold back the fresh tears that are welling, my eyes close. "I'll see you in a few days, okay?"
"You will, sweetheart. I love you."
Our call ending, I sink back into the couch, gripping my cell tight. I've just received an email notification but I'm not sure I have the concentration to read it right now. I already have a ton of work on and I don't need more via email from one of my professors. Deciding to get it over and done with before Claire arrives, I open the app and my eyes land on the address.
Eliza,
I don't want to lose you from my life completely. I know us being in separate places hurts, but I thought this was the right thing. I thought we'd both agreed on that? You know I never wanted things to end this way, but if you can ever forgive me, I want to be your friend. I'll always want you to be my friend and in my life.
I don't know what the future holds for me in terms of my soccer, but I wanted to thank you for sticking by me. For having my back. For giving me your blessing to go on and pursue my dreams. Nobody else would've been so supportive or perfect, but that's just you. You think about the people around you and I'll always love you for that.
I'm sorry you had to find out about Jade via social media, but I couldn't tell you. I couldn't bring myself to tell you about her because I've already caused enough hurt to last you a lifetime. When we talk, you say you're doing good, but I see it in your eyes. I see the hurt and the hate you have for me. I wouldn't expect anything less, though. After all, we were supposed to take on our futures together. You said you always knew I'd make it, but we were supposed to make it together.
If you can bring yourself to spend time with me during the holidays, I'd be forever grateful. If that isn't something you can do though, I completely understand.
Take care and be amazing.
Zo x
Tears falling freely down my face, I don't want to lose her as a friend either. I don't want this to truly end, never to speak to one another again. I know that in time, things will get better, but for now…I can't. I can't be her friend and I can't be the person she turns to if she's having a shitty time in her relationship. I wish I could be the bigger person and do that for her, but I can't. That's just the way it is. The way it has to be. Arizona Robbins will be forever imprinted on my skin, my mind, but I have to do what's right for me. I have to do what's right for my sanity.
The longer I hold on, the more I'll die inside…
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