Dynasty Warriors: The New Retelling
Summary: While details are sparse, the confirmed characters of the latest DW game get together to discuss their RADICAL redesigns…
Disclaimer: Koei owns Dynasty Warriors. Li Wen is MINE! All MINE!
Author's notes: I love the redesigns, really. It'd also help if you've looked up the new videos can cutscenes of Dynasty Warriors 6. This fic was made to just laugh at some of the odder designs seen.
Li Wen gazed at the group of reporters gathered to discuss the new designs of the warriors. He snorted with disdain at how ridiculous the whole thing seemed but smiled at the thought that it would be amusing.
"OK, people, while we're here, let me lay some ground rules down: NO shipping. NO flaming. NO elitist interpretations. NO attempting to find a connection between Dynasty Warriors and…and…I dunno, nuclear warfare!
"NO rushing, NO breathing on the characters, and absolutely NO shipping!"
"You said shipping twice, mister."
"I threw that in to see if you were paying attention. Very good. Nerds."
Awkward silence filled the room and the created warrior cleared his throat.
"Very well. We are all here to see the reactions of the Dynasty Warriors to their redesigns. With DW6, even greater interactivity and more outrageous combos are available to us. And, consequently, proportionally bigger cutscenes and paychecks. This is all thanks to the advanced and, might I add, VERY expensive Playstation 3.
"With that, I bid you a good day, and let's get this show on the road!"
Li Wen turned to your computer monitor and winked.
"And I know YOU'VE just read the ground rules I've laid down."
-The DW studio…-
Zhuge Liang fanned himself calmly, believing that his redesign wasn't very far removed from his old designs. Flowing robes with more designs. Sima Yi was pleased with his own design but held his weapon with a confused expression.
"What is this? A sash? A sword? I have no idea."
Zhuge Liang laughed.
"Stop worrying, Sima Yi. The way we're designed to look like colourful Japanese mecha, we could be worse off. Think of what they're doing with Pang Tong or Wei Yan."
Sima Yi shuddered at the thought of the radical hippy and the radically masked savage turning even MORE radical.
The Sun family (except Quan, for his redesign wasn't revealed yet) weren't that happy. Sun Jian and Huang Gai in particular looked in the studio mirror repeatedly.
"Oh my GOD!" Sun Jian yelped.
"We're OOOOOOLD! Just look at us!" Huang Gai moaned.
"Is that…is that WHITE HAIR on me?"
"And me!"
"I knew I should have kept my helmet on…"
Sun Shang Xiang and Sun Ce tried to calm their father and his buddy down.
"There, there, dad…"
"You're only as young as you feel, y'know."
"But I feel OOOOOOOOOLD!"
Shang Xiang sighed.
"Well, at least YOU weren't turned into a Qiao sister crossed with a sex symbol…I mean, look at this outfit! Miniskirt, cleavage, bright colours, a bow and arrow, and my face looks like it had plastic surgery!"
Sun Ce attempted in vain to scratch an itch but was blocked by the new suit of armour he was given.
"Damned formal armour! I HATE it! HATE it!"
Zhou Yu frowned at Sun Ce in his new…martial arts outfit…with what appeared to be a…bo staff…and he had a pony-tail…
"That look should have been placed on ME! I'M the chief commander around here!"
Sun Ce turned to look at his best friend. When they realised that their looks had suddenly been reversed, they let out a scream which would have been heard only by a dog. Suddenly, Lu Xun, now with only one sword and wearing Zhou Yu's clothes, stepped in. Zhou Yu gave his successor a venomous glare.
"…Okay, I can explain this."
"Oh, stop whining," Xiahou Dun barked, "Just laugh at somebody else instead. Like Dong Zhuo. At least they made him fatter with less armour. He should make for an easy kill now…"
"HEY!" Dong Zhuo exclaimed, only to go back to eating the donuts in the studio.
"YOU'RE not the one with a stupid redesign, Xiahou Dun…"
"Well, I admit that I love the armour," the one-eyed warrior admitted with a cocky smirk, "But look at my hair. It's just so messy, I'm having trouble seeing with my one GOOD eye!"
Xu Zhu, with his spikier hair, rushed around the base gleefully with his newfound cape, declaring he was Superman. His comrade, Dian Wei, sighed.
"I like the tattoos and all, but a wrecking ball of all weapons?"
"Um, iron flail?" Lu Xun interjected, "They were around since the Qin Dynasty, at least, and…"
"Shut up, you geek."
Lu Xun moped in a depressed manner.
Zhang He admired his arm sashes up and down and sighed at the flowers around them.
"Well, I think I got the most graceful outfit. Paris design, a hundred percent Arabian silk, like the stuff of the gods…It's to DIE for!"
Cao Cao said nothing. But he would never admit to himself or to his co-workers that in truth…he thought the extended side-burns made him look MANLYYYYY.
Then, the warriors of Shu arrived, partly because of Shu-centric writing, partly because of the fact that their costumes were among the most radical.
Zhang Fei walked in with his new all white robe.
"STILL not used to walking in this damn thing, wh-WHOAH!"
The drunken brawler promptly tripped over his graceful but new robe. Guan Yu walked in with a sigh, donning a more heavily armoured variant of his Dynasty Warriors 3 outfit, with more colours. His hair was tied up like his adoptive son's…
"Good thing I've been wearing this since DW3…"
Xiahou Dun laughed.
"HAWHAW! Couldn't wait for your mid-life crisis to start imitating 'the duuuudes', Guan Yu?" Xiahou Dun asked mockingly. Guan Yu frowned.
"It was Ping's idea, alright? So lay off!"
Next came Zhao-
"HOLY MOTHER OF FUDGE!"
"MY EYES!!! MY EEEEEYEEEES!"
"I'm BLIIIIIIIND!"
Yes, the light reflecting off Zhao Yun's silver dragon armour which covered almost everything but his head was enough to turn even the most flamboyant bling-wearing rapper stereotype blind.
"I dunno, guys, I kinda like it," he admitted. Shang Xiang rubbed her eyes a bit before noticing Zhao Yun's rugged manly face was still unchanged.
"So do I," she purred. Zhao Yun noticed her, paused, cupped his chin in thought, and spoke.
"Nice outfit, Xiao Qiao. It's great that you got a new weapon, but don't you think you're straying a bit too close to Sun Shang Xiang?"
The newly girlyfied SSX let out a shriek of frustration.
Then, finally, the redesign that took the cake walked in. LIU BEI opened the door wide, and everyone gasped.
"INTRUDER!"
"Who sent you? Square Enix or Capcom? Is it because they can't make arcade style games like US?"
"GOT you!"
"Wait, no, I-!"
Liu Bei was promptly pinned down with weapons held to his face.
"Look, guys, it's ME! Liu Bei!"
The characters noticed the voice and stared.
"Liu…Bei…?"
Guan Yu and Zhang Fei promptly got off their sworn brother, laughing nervously.
"Sorry, brother," the bearded fighter apologised.
"Didn't notice you without facial hair!"
Yes, for not only did Liu Bei's look seem more 'volunteer army'-ish, he also…SHAAAAAAAVED!
The whole room erupted with discussion.
"Liu BEI?"
"My word, is it YOU?"
"Milord, I didn't know you were being portrayed as younger than you really were!"
"So THAT'S what he looked like behind the moustache…"
Cao Cao paused in thought. How would HE look like without facial hair?
Liu Bei sighed.
"Tell me. Do I REALLY look that different, guys?"
"YES."
"Well, it's official. Nothing ELSE Koei throws at us will surprise us now that I don't have any facial hair."
Without warning, Lu Bu walked into the room, complete with a full HELMET which bore his distinctive antennas…I mean, his phoenix plumes. And he carried some bizarre weapon which looked like two Wei Yan voulges stuck together.
An eerie silence followed.
"One crack about the helmet, how LOOOOONG the plumes are, and/or my weapon, and I swear, I will BASH your skulls in!"
The Beginning
Author's notes: For the record yet again, I love the new designs even if they're radical for a few characters. XD