Disclaimer: I don't own The Loud House!
Title: Pick Your Battles
Summary: When your entire family gets brought up the principal's office after getting into a fight, and you're all on edge, you're in for a bad time. The Loud family has a severe policy against tattle-tales, which complicates things, especially when almost everyone has a secret of some sort.
...
The fact that there is a bench long enough to seat all of the Loud children is considered a blessing as they all pile on, Lisa to Lori, with Lucy in the middle, Lynn growling next to Luan, Lori texting Bobby a grounding alert. They were all covered in rainbows of paint and smelt of spoiled eggs.
Likewise, Lincoln Loud takes it as a blessing that he's only received a black eye that day, crammed between Lana and Luan. He turned to the omniscient presence and spoke with decent humor, given the situation.
"You chose a really bad time to drop in, if you couldn't already tell. In a family like our's, there are two rules to punishment; we all go down together, and don't snitch. You can imagine how that might make visits to the principal's office tedious, even nerve-wracking. Everyone is waiting for anyone to pop off wrong; or, worse, incriminate the hypothetical firestarter."
"If I may interrupt," Lisa said, adjusting her glasses, "I believe the best way to describe our predicament is that saying Lynn adores so much; snitches get stitches. Or, to be more precise, no more family voting rights."
Lincoln frowned. "Hey, it's my job to explain what's going on."
"Granted, and normally I'd leave you to it, but I hear footsteps."
"Mom and Dad are here?" Luna asked, startled. "I thought we'd at least get another ten minutes!"
"Want me to start writing our obituaries?" Lucy tugged on Luna's sleeve. "I need a notebook."
Luna begrudgingly handed her's over. "Don't scribble out any of my lyrics."
"I won't."
The office door creaked open. Rita Loud sashayed into the office with a hand on her hip, the other curled around their youngest sibling, Lily. Lynn Sr. strolled in after her, nose wrinkled, forehead pinched.
"Oh, yeah. I know that look." Lori sighed, stashing her phone in her pocket. "We're dead."
Lana raised her hand. "Can I get a mud funeral? I always thought it'd be cool to be buried in that sinkhole stuff."
"I'll make sure to add it." Lucy promised. "Whose should I write first?"
Rita firmly marched to the far end of the bench. "Lori Loud, you are seventeen years old. Seventeen. You're supposed to be setting a positive example for your younger siblings- what were you even thinking? They were middle-schoolers!"
Lori sighed once again. "I'll take that first booking, Lucy."
"Alright."
Leni, who had been surprisingly quiet until now, spoke up. "I don't understand why you guys are so mad. Like, it's not our fault those paint grenades and stink bombs worked."
They all shushed her.
"Don't be a snitch, Leni," Lola snarled; the irony of her statement wasn't lost. "Wait until you see the footage before you confess!"
"But I don't need to see the footage." She said, baffled. "I was there for it."
"You're coming in with me, Leni," Lori tells her, "there's no way you're facing the principal alone."
"Okay!"
"I'm feeling the urges of a maternal bird of prey." Lisa murmured into Lincoln's ear. "Part of me wants to feed her, but another part of me wants to leave her in the nest to fend for herself."
"Shh," Lincoln said, but found himself amused anyway.
"We rushed over here so fast we couldn't even get a babysitter." Rita huffed, passing Lily to Luna. "Watch your sister while we talk to Principal Huggins."
Lori raised a hand. "Can I point something out?"
Their father's voice was tart. "What, Lori?"
"Half of us are highschoolers. What can Principal Huggins even do to us?"
"Don't test him, Lori," Lana whispered urgently. "Principal Huggins has underground connections."
"What? You mean, like, the mafia?"
"No, worse!" She hesitated, eyes darting around the room, before she finally blurted out: "The Cafeteria ladies."
Lola gasped. Lucy almost seemed to sink into herself. Lincoln whistled. Even Lynn seemed impressed.
"Dude, really?"
"Really. He talked to them after he found me skipping lunch once." Lana shuddered. "They were so disappointed in me, I almost bawled."
"Dude," Luna wasn't impressed. "Seriously?"
"You hush!" Lola pointed an accusing finger at the teenager. "We aren't like you, ms. ditcher!"
"Take that back!"
"Never! The Cafeteria ladies must've patted you on the shoulder so many times you forgot guilt! It's your kind that make them cook buffets for delinquents on the weekends!"
"Why I oughta-" Luna stood. Lily let out a whimper. She immediately sat down. "It's okay, Lil' Lil. Luna's chill. We chill."
"They probably aren't wrong, Luna." Lori prods with a smile. "Shoulder blade."
"Sis, if I wasn't holding a baby right now, you'd be dead meat."
"What's wrong with your shoulder?" Lynn Sr. broke in.
Luna pressed her back closer to the wall. "Nothing, Pops. Can't we just git gud already?"
"I wish it were that easy, but Principal Huggins'll need your story." Rita adjusted her shirt with a sigh. "Lori, Leni, you're up first."
"Yo, can somebody hold Lily for me?" Luna asked once the door snapped closed. "I wanna get a few songs in before Mom and Pop take my guitar away."
"Don't look at me!" Luan said. "Mr. Coconuts and I want to get our farewells in before I meet the chipping block. Haha! Get it?"
Lucy's tongue was sticking out of her mouth in concentration. "I'm writing Lori and Leni's final words."
"Hand her over." Lincoln willingly took Lily off his older sister's hands. "Mom and Dad may be able to take my comics away, but they can't take away the spoiling tongues of my friends. I'll still have a piece of what I love left."
"Dude." Lynn's shoulders slumped. "They're gonna kick me off the team for this."
"Which one?"
"All of them."
"Ladies- and Lincoln- relax." Lola soothingly waved her hands. "They can't get us if they don't know what happened."
"They have camera footage. And social isolation privileges," Lisa said, "which I wouldn't mind, if not for the fact that they'll only give me basic math worksheets. I know what two plus two equals, thank you very much."
"They might be stubborn, but no one is more stubborn than us." Lola insisted, shaking a small fist. "We're the Loud family, guys. We once wrecked Vanzilla over a car seat. If they think a disappointed look or two is gonna do us in, then they're wrong."
"I hate to be tart, but let's not forget about the Cafeteria ladies." Luan swung her legs. "I'm not even in middle school anymore and they still make me feel guilty."
"Give it a year, sib." Luna promised.
"Shoulder blade." Lola snapped, as if those two words alone were able to make the girl be quiet.
"You don't even know what that means!" Luna cried, frowning.
"I have a hypothesis," Lisa informed her. The teen turned a sickly pale color. "And, should it be correct, it's not something I plan to inform Mom and Dad of."
"Luna, I have a request." Lucy tapped her pen on the notebook. "Can you play a funeral march?"
Luna sighed, shrugged, and grabbed her pick out of her pocket. "Might as well. It's fitting."
"I'm almost an adult, you know," Lori said.
"I'm not!" Leni said.
"I'm well-aware of your ages, ladies," Principal Huggins put his arms on his desk, fingers interwoven together. "I was your principal when you were in middle school."
"Then you should know that you can't bully me like you do my younger siblings. What is this, anyway?" She waved a hand at Rita and Lynn Sr., perched in chairs beside his desk. "A criminal interrogation for six year olds?"
"You're certainly acting like a six year old." Principal Huggins raised an eyebrow. "I would know."
Lori opened her mouth, shut it, then flopped back in her seat. "Whatever."
"Tell me why you're here," the principal prompted.
"Mom and Dad forgot the pill the day after prom."
"Lori!" Rita scolded. "You know it wasn't like that."
"Yeah, I know. It was, like, college prom." She waved her hands at their entreating looks. "Kidding! I'm kidding! Jeez."
"Enough!" Principal Huggins cleared his throat. "Tell me why you skipped class."
"Oh, that's easy. There was a movie playing that Bobby and I wanted to see, so we cut class."
"Was it an important class?" Lynn Sr. asked.
"Mr. Loud, I don't think it matters how important it was or wasn't."
"I'm just looking for a silver lining here, Huggins."
"Principal Huggins," he corrected tartly. "And how, pray tell, did a trip to the movies end with a brawl in my middle school?"
"Listen here, Principal Huggins," Lori narrowed her eyes, as if the question itself had insulted her. "I'm head of all non-parental familial decisions. I hold the gavel. I split the ties. If I snitch to you, I'll lose all my respect and authority. The house will be ashes in a fortnight. No punishment you or Mom and Dad could give me will ever be able to top the apocalypse that would come if I told you anything more about today."
"I got a phone call!" Leni chirped.
Lori sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "You see what I'm working with, here."
Principal Huggins ignored the sentiment. "A phone call?"
"Yeah. They were, like, super mad. I think it was-"
"Leni Loud, so help me, if you say another word I will personally tell the whole school about that time you wore socks and sandals together and liked it."
Leni let out a horrified shriek. "You wouldn't."
"Two words," she returned smugly, "white tanktop."
"I can't help that they're comfortable!" Leni wailed. "And what else am I gonna wear on laundry day?"
"I know that, and you know that." Lori smirked at her. "But will your Junior year know that?"
Leni slowly turned to the gathered adults. "I'm sorry. I'm mute now. I can't speak."
"Good girl."
Leni was whimpering as she sat down between the twins, refusing to look Lori in the eye. The eldest re-took her spot without preamble.
"Luna Loud," Principal Huggins called.
Luna passed her guitar over to Lisa. "Time to meet my makers."
"Why must I hold this?" Lisa struggled to settle the instrument in her lap.
"Because the twins won't, I don't trust Leni not to fiddle with the strings, and Linc's holding a baby," she called over her shoulder.
"Touche."
"I'll take a turn with Lily." Lana offered. That was the last thing Luna heard before the door clicked shut.
"Take a seat, Loud."
Luna did so, arms crossed. She looked bored more than anything else. "No offense, boss man, but Huggins is a bogus name."
"Says the rockstar named 'Loud.'"
"Hey! Loud is an awesome name."
"Cut to the chase, Loud. What were you doing out of school?"
Luna raised a single eyebrow. "Goin' to a concert. What else?"
"Luna, I told you," Rita interjected, "that concert is too far away. And it's a three day affair."
"Chunk was gonna drive me, Mom! It would've been fine. Besides, we all know I have Lucy's ninja powers when there's music in the mix. Ain't nobody who can't touch me."
"Getting back on track," Principal Huggins shifted in his overly-fluffed office chair. "Why the side-trip? What was so important that you ditched your little running-from-home bit to come here?"
"It was a rock concert, dude. And I'm not tellin' you anything."
He leaned forward. "We've got it on record that there was a phone call."
Luna froze, all her earlier bravado vanishing in the wake of this reveal. Her eyes darted around the room, frown dipping into a growl. "You all tricked Leni, didn't you?"
"Not at all. She told us quite willingly."
"You tricked her, boss man. So not cool."
"Think whatever you like of me," he dismissed with a sniff. "Did you receive this phone call?"
Luna sighed. "Yeah."
"From whom?"
"Mick Swagger."
"You're playing with me."
"I ain't no snitch, boss man."
Principal Huggins began to look contemplative. "You know, the term 'shoulder blade' making you defensive could have a variety of meanings, but, knowing your track record, I'm going to have to assume this must be related to a tat-"
"Alright, alright!" She shouted, drowning out the rest of his sentence. "What do you want?"
"Point out who sent the call and we'll pretend none of this ever happened," he rumbled with narrowed eyes.
"What never happened?" Lynn Sr. asked.
Luna sucked in a sharp breath. "The snitching gods will never forgive me, man. Don't make me do this."
"The 'snitching gods' may be displeased," Principal Huggins made bunny ears with his fingers, "but isn't that better than angering the 'parental gods'?"
Luna bit her lip, wiped her forehead, and ultimately slumped in her seat.
"They did it."
There was a collective gasp from the Loud siblings as Luna, typically considered the most dependable Loud, grimly pointed out Lana and Lola from the crowd. She couldn't look at them while she did so.
"Lisa, give me Luna's guitar." Lori stood up. "I'm going to beat her over the head with it."
"Come get it. It's too awkward for me to lift."
"I'm not writing you an obituary." Lucy told her. "You can be buried as Jane Doe."
"You gotta understand, dudes," she pleaded. "This is Lori's fault. She gave him the ammo, he just pulled the trigger."
"Forget the guitar. Lana, I want the hammer from your belt." Lori stomped closer, coming nose to nose with the sophomore. "How dare you blame me for your betrayal?"
"Easy, sis," Luna said. "All I did was tell the truth. Face it, you stepped over a line."
She narrowed her eyes at her. "Luna Loud, you are officially banned from all family decisions."
They all murmured agreement, especially Lana and Lola, who clung to each other. They stared at her as if Luna were a stranger.
"That's fair." Luna bowed her hand. "I've lost all my rep as a Loud sibling."
Principal Huggins clapped her shoulder. "Thank you for the help, Ms. Loud. Lola, Lana, you may go."
They all blinked at him in shock.
"Excuse me?" Lincoln asked.
There was a smug glimmer in the man's eyes. "You didn't think I really thought you'd point the caller out, did you? I'm smarter than that."
"Dangit." Luna sighed.
"Okay, real talk?" Lana said. "We don't even know what this all was about."
"We heard the family get called down and slipped in," Lola admitted. "We all go together when we go, and all that."
"But we're here now, and it's too late to just go back to class. Too many questions will be asked."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
Principal Huggins accepted this with a nod. "Luan, you're next. Perhaps you'll be a bit more forthcoming."
"Ooh, I'm flaking in my boots. Haha! Get it?"
"Not really."
"Yeah, not my best work." Luan stood with a shrug. "But if this gets too personal I'm going full mime. Don't think I won't do it."
Luna shamefully plopped down in Luan's seat, next to Lincoln. Lynn immediately recoiled, muttering about a snitch's bad luck.
"Take this infernal instrument off my lap, please," Lisa commanded, but she wouldn't look at Luna. "Thank you."
She hugged her guitar to her chest and said no more. Lincoln opened his mouth, then shut it.
"This has started to follow a routine." Principal Huggins informed Luan. "I ask you why you were at the Middle School, then about the fight."
"I'm right on schedule then, huh?" She probed.
"Quit the monkey business."
"I never joined! I'm not a fan of bananas."
"Why did you come here?"
"To hone my craft, of course," Luan gleefully pulled some rubber balls out of her pocket, juggling them in demonstration. "The kids at the High School aren't mature enough to appreciate my act, so I swing by during lunch once a week to have some fun. It's good practice for birthday parties."
"Did you get a phone call?"
"Righty-o, buckaroo."
"From who?"
"Dunno. I don't got caller id."
"Do you enjoy colors, Ms. Loud?"
She nodded energetically. "They're so colorful."
"Did you make those paint bombs?"
"Hmm... nope! I save the colors for the clown wig. Everything else is a bit frizzy."
"You're being oddly silent about all of this, Ms. and Mrs. Loud."
"Well..." Rita hesitated. "I mean, it's not anything we didn't already know."
"It's only for lunch period, right?" Lynn Sr. broke in. "You aren't cutting any classes?"
"Of course! I don't have a scissor of the ditching skills my sibs have. Luna especially."
"You wouldn't happen to know anything about this shoulder problem she's having, would you?"
Luan stopped juggling. "Listen, Dad. Mom. We're all kinda-sorta really mad at Luna right now- but we still love her, you know? She's the ba-dum-tss to my 'Get it?' And, besides; we share a room. I'm not poking the rock-n-roll bear." She pocketed her balls with a mild frown. "All you need to know is that sometimes things happen. Sometimes people make mistakes, and there's no real way to fix them."
"It's a tattoo, isn't it?"
"Dangit." She reeled back. "Wait, I mean- oh, forget it. Luna had a wild night at a rock concert and woke up with a tattoo. Just- she's really scared, okay? Let her tell you on her own time."
"Is it a cool tattoo?" Lynn Sr. asked.
"Lynn!"
"What, Rita? If our daughter has had her body permanently altered, it should at least look cool."
Luan leaned forward, as if divulging a great secret. "It's the first four notes of that Boyz Will Be Boyz song she couldn't get out of her head a couple weeks ago."
"Noooo."
"Yes. She's mortified. But it's like I keep tellin' her; with how squiggly the lines are, you can pass it off as a Twinkle Twinkle Little Star remix."
"Who all knows about this?"
"Just Lori 'n me. And now you, of course. You're not gonna punish her, are you?"
"I don't know, Luan. I really don't know." Rita slowly shook her head. "All of this is ridiculously complicated."
"It's simpler than you might fink. Haha! Get it?"
"I'm very disappointed in you." Lynn Sr. said. "But... that was a good one."
"Just remember," Lori sing-songs as Lincoln creeps into his office, "if the pressure in there gets to be too heavy, it's nothing compared to the pressure out here. We don't take snitches very lightly, do we, Luna?"
"Screw off." Luna says, but there's no heat to her words.
Lincoln sits in what his sisters have kindly dubbed the Doom Chair, squishing down, bottom lip between his teeth. "H-hi, Mom. Dad. Principal Huggins."
"Lincoln." He acknowledged. "I've been waiting for this."
"You have, sir?"
"Yes. Everyone knows you're the Man With the Plan in your house. Isn't that right?"
Lincoln swallowed. "Yes, sir."
"So it's safe to assume you, of all people, knew the plan."
"Sir?"
"This was a planned attack, wasn't it? It was too neat to be anything else."
"No, sir. Worse. It was a Loud attack."
"You didn't send the call?"
"No offense, sir, but all I have is a corded ducky phone and walkie talkie."
"No cell?"
"I'm not allowed to take it to school."
"That hasn't stopped students before." His eyes narrowed. "And your sisters certainly wouldn't tell on you without reason."
Lincoln adjusted his collar, swallowed again, and finally retrieved the cell from his pocket, avoiding the eyes of his parents. "Okay, okay. Here. The call was sent from my phone, but it wasn't me who sent it."
"Why am I supposed to believe that? You've never hesitated to get your sisters involved before."
"I... was kinda busy, Principal Huggins."
"With what?"
Lincoln pointed to his black eye. "Getting this."
"Did you initiate the fight?"
"Define 'initiate.'"
"Start."
"Define 'start.'"
"Did you throw the first punch?"
"Oh." Lincoln sucked in a self-conscious breath. "Yeah, that was me. But they threw the first words, sir! I was egged into it!"
"Lincoln!" His mother stood, putting her hands on her hips. Lincoln shrunk in his seat. "How could you?"
"Hey, it works at home, doesn't it?" He tried. The glare only worsened. "I'm sorry, okay? I was frustrated, and angry, and I took it out on others. That's bad."
"I don't disagree with that," Principal Huggins put his chin on his hands. "Though, I must admit, it's hard to find the plan here."
Lincoln rolled his eyes and bit his tongue. There was sure to be a moral in this mess somewhere, and he'd be able to make all the jokes her wanted with the omniscient presence. "I try to keep my plans family-related, sir."
"I know."
"And, honestly? Sometimes, planning just sucks. Who plans a fight in middle school, anyway? This isn't the mafia."
"Fair enough." Principal Huggins said. "We'll discuss how many days you're suspended later. Bring in the next one."
Lincoln hesitated. "Can we just pass over Lucy? She takes disappointment really badly."
"I need all of your statements."
The boy sighed and slipped off the chair. "Okay."
Lucy doesn't sit so much as she curls, pulling her knees up. She puts her pale chin on top of them. "You're not going to set the Cafeteria ladies on me, are you? Mrs. Dover cuts a cookie into the shape of a bat for me, and I don't want to hurt her feelings."
"Not on you. Though they'll probably be very unhappy with your brother."
"Please don't." Her mouth shrank farther behind her arms. "This is all my fault."
"Lucy, honey," her mother broke in, "I know you hate it when things come down on your siblings like this, but Lincoln threw the first punch."
"To defend me."
There's a pause. Principal Huggins ran a hand over his bald spot, barely concealing his surprise.
"Mr. Loud didn't mention this."
"I know. Lincoln didn't want to incriminate me."
Lynn Sr. put a hand on her knee comfortingly. "Tell me what happened."
Lucy took a moment to gather herself. "There are these kids- bigger kids. I think they're in Lynn's class? Sigh. They made fun of me, then my poetry. I think- Lana said they broke into my bag. They were reading it, and- and laughing." She took in a big breath.
"You should've come to my office." Principal Huggins told her gently. "We would've stopped this."
Lucy morosely shook her head. "Lincoln stood up for me. I- I went around the other side to spook them. I just wanted my poetry book back. One of them almost hit me. I saw Lincoln rear back right before the fight broke out." The girl seemed to shrink in her seat. "I'm sorry. I knew I should've gone ahead with that revenge seance before things got out of hand."
"Before?" Rita mouthed. Lynn Sr. shrugged helplessly.
Luna and Lori are nose-to-nose when Lucy emerges, emotionally downtrodden. Lily fusses in Lola's arms, tired and hungry and overstimulated.
"I snitched." She announced, then plunked down beside Lisa.
"You two could start a club, honestly," Lori pushed Luna and fell back with a grumble, not wanting to push the baby over the edge.
"Don't listen to her, Luce. Lori just likes being in control." Luna stuck her chin up and sat beside the young girl, pulling her closer. "At least Lincoln has style."
"I do believe that's my cue," Lisa toddled to the office with purpose. "Do not fear, elder siblings. I'll set the record straight."
Lisa looks less like a girl in trouble and more like the recipient of a job interview as she calmly slipped into the Doom Chair, her small legs dangling off the lip. "I'd just like to point out that all of this is meaningless, and I don't appreciate the strain it's causing."
Principal Huggins raised an eyebrow.
"Be real with me, Huggins; you've got the whole shindig on tape. You don't need anything to punish us, barring a lip-reader to decipher who-said-what. You certainly didn't need to pull us in one by one like some moronic cop movie. The only conceivable reason you could possibly deign to do this is boredom- you want a little spice in your day and don't care who you traumatize along the way."
"I'm just looking for the facts, Ms. Loud."
"You have the facts. The word of my siblings are hearsay, especially as we have nothing to prove and everything to lose."
"Ms. Loud."
"Yes?"
"What's in your pocket?"
"Hmm? Ah." She pulled out a small stuffed rabbit. "I assume you mean this thing?"
Rita took the toy from her with a bemused frown. "This isn't Bun-Bun, is it?"
"No. This is Mr. Ears," she retrieved Mr. Ears with an indifferent air. "Marcie Fleach sleeps with him during naptime. Well, until his ear ripped off, I mean. I sent for Leni to sew him back together."
"Don't you know how to sew?"
"Mhmm, but it's not very pretty. The curse of having pudgy four-year-old fingers is that they are, of course, clunky. Why else would I manage to blow up my lab once a day?"
There was a pause as they all digested this.
"These little tidbits do nothing to help you decide our punishment, Huggins." She told him, not unkindly. "Do what you must, then let us go home. I'm starting to really hanker for a PB and J."
"One final question, and then you may go; where you the one who built those paint bombs?"
"Incorrect. I merely crafted the stink bombs- my Silver Stinkers. I have a patent pending on them as we speak."
"So, how many teams am I kicked off of?"
"I'll leave that for your coaches to decide."
"Okay." Lynn leaned back with a shrug. "I think I'm still in the disbelief stage of it. Gimme an hour or so and I'll totally be freaking out."
"I'm surprised you're so calm now."
Lynn hesitated, then shrugged again. "Way I see it, we're all in trouble. Too late to sweat it now. Speaking of; how suspended are we?"
Principal Huggins went up to massage the bridge of his nose. "I'm not entirely sure yet. I'll have to speak to your parents privately."
"Okay."
"I want your phone."
"Didn't bring it," she said carelessly.
"Lynn," Rita said. "You didn't have another accident with it, did you?"
"No, Mom, I swear. That's why I've been leaving it at home."
"So you're the only one who would need to borrow a phone?" He prompted.
"Excuse me?"
"You're the one who called in your older sisters, aren't you?"
"Dangit." Lynn threw her back against the chair in a mild tantrum. "I knew I was gonna say too much. I knew."
"To be fair, we caught you on tape."
"Then why pick me last?" She stubbornly crossed her arms. "Were you trying to make me crack?"
"No. I just wanted your sisters to fill in their stories first."
Lynn looked disbelieving. "Uh-huh. Right."
"You saw Lincoln defending Lucy and got involved, calling them in for backup after Lincoln threw a punch."
"Well, duh. Me 'n Luce are roomies. Looking out for each other is kind of a thing we do."
"Did you know she was planning a seance?" Lynn Sr. asked his namesake, still firmly baffled by his daughter's admission.
Lynn rolled her eyes. "When isn't she planning a seance? And, just to set the record straight, I didn't plan on bringing every body in. I was gonna call in the basketball team, but Linc doesn't exactly have them on speed dial. We're about as big and mean as a basketball team, though, so same dif."
"Basketball?" Rita echoed. "Why not the ladies on your curling team? They're much bigger and meaner."
"Mrs. Loud," Principal Huggins growled, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't give your daughter tips on how to gang up on and beat kids her age."
"What? I'm just being real. Lynn's aware of weight classes; she's on the wrestling team!"
Lynn pulled a knee onto the chair, looking vaguely uncomfortable. "Real talk? Been tryin' to get my butt kicked off the team for months. Was kinda hoping this would be a win-win; beat up some bullies, open my schedule a bit once I was un-grounded, you get it."
"Kicked off?" Her father stared at her like one does a spaceship that's landed on their backyard. "But you love basketball!"
"Uh, duh. But they play it so boring here. You know how many times coach has let me make a shot blindfolded while running backwards? Not once. You know how many times I've been able to punch somebody for the ball? Zero. He's the biggest stickler ever, and I'm sick of it."
"He's just following the rules, honey."
"Blargh. That's boring. All my other coaches are more lenient."
"That's no excuse for calling in a team to beat up some kids."
"Eh. Fair enough."
"You're all grounded."
"Figures."
Vanzilla is sketchily quiet as they bump down the street towards home. Lily snores gently in her baby seat, probably dreaming of her blankie. Lisa sat in the far back, making a gap so Lana and Lola wouldn't start anything. Next row held Luna and Lucy, Lincoln begrudgingly accepting his two day suspension with a scowl. Lori stared out from the sweet spot, Leni humming beside her. Lynn was fiddling with a ball she retrieved from Luan's pocket.
"You're all grounded for two months," said Rita, with finality.
A loud groaning filled the car, but none were louder than the twins.
"We didn't do anything!" Lola flung up her hands.
"Yeah!" Lana added. "How's that fair?"
"You tried to help us confuse an authority figure." Lisa reminded them bluntly. "Don't push it or she'll make it three."
"What do you care? She never takes any of your research away."
"I'm making scientific discoveries. I think that's a little more important than punishment for a fight I hardly participated in. Simply put, Mom and Dad choose destroying cancer over me getting comeuppance."
"Oh, don't think you're going off scot-free, missy," said Lynn Sr. "You'll be taking on more chores with your siblings out of commission."
"Dangit."
"Hey, don't feel too bad, sibs." Luna's head popped over the seat. "If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that not being grounded in a house where somebody is grounded is just as boring."
"This is what happens when you bag ten Loud kids in one," Lincoln told the omniscient presence. "Everybody wants to be the hero, but nobody wants to take the blame. In all the drama, we pull each other down." He glanced at the white slip in his hands. It reminded Lincoln of a receipt. "Still, it's not all bad, and I'm pretty sure none of us have any regrets, though Luna and Lori might be tiptoeing around each other for a bit.
"I have to ask, because it'll bug me if I don't," their father said as they pulled into the driveway, cutting the engine. "Who had those paint bombs?"
The van fell quiet for a moment, until; "Okay, okay. It was me. I was headin' for one of those super-wild and crazy concerts, so I slipped a few into my pocket."
"Luna, no," Lori butted in. "I bought them for you. They're my responsibility."
"It was my cash, my dude." The rocker waved her hands. "I just asked you to spend it for me, since you were at the store already."
"I thought you were at the movies?" Rita shook her head. "Scratch that. I just remembered; nothing good is playing today. Where were you?"
Lori sunk down in her car seat.
"Lori?"
"At work, alright? They needed me to cover the tail-end of a shift. It's never happened before, I swear."
Their mother glanced over the seat to blink at her. She looked hurt. "Since when do you have a job?"
"Since literally forever," she said in a rush. "I'm saving up some cash for college."
"Oh, Lori, sweetheart..."
Luan reluctantly raised her hand. "Half of all my keep goes into the Luan Loud Clown School Fund jar. It's in a secret place."
"I pray to the spirits for good luck and fortune." Lucy admitted. "So far, they've been too busy to answer. Sigh."
"I fix toilets around town on my weekends." Lana added. "I don't get many customers, though."
Lola scoffed. "No, thanks. I'm waiting for my perfect rich knight to appear, so that I may wed and be given all his earthly property when I become an early widow. After that, I'm going to Vegas."
"College ain't for me, dudes." Luna nodded sagely. "Chunk's already got a bunch of places waiting for me to hit the road. I'll be on tour 'fore I'm nineteen."
Lincoln glanced up. "I'm gonna be her roadie. It'll give me all sorts of life experience, and the chance to try different camera angles."
"Lincoln, when Luna is eighteen you'll be fourteen."
"I know, Dad. I'm good at math."
"You know that none of what happened today is gonna be beneficial to all this, don't you?"
"Sure."
"Yup."
"Who cares?"
"Let 'em try."
"Well, alrighty then."
Author's Note: Almost six-thousand words of Loud House! Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. I don't write for this show often, but, when I do, it's always a long'un.
My only regret was that I didn't get to focus on Leni more. She was originally gonna make a speech about how she liked how soft the fabrics are (I see her as autistic) on ratty old t-shirts, and how she likes to indulge once a week or so, but it never came out right.
-Mandaree1