Post Croatoan drabble. I'm assuming Sam doesn't know the secret (mainly because my brain shuts down in pain when I think about it. Why do you torture us, Kripke? Why?). Angsty chick-flicky blather, Sam's POV. Italics equals flashback.
Never-ending thanks to happywritingjoy for awesome beta work. You rock!
Fading Glory
Ashes, smoke and memories. All that was left of Dad when we were done.
And, apparently, a big burdensome secret on my brother's back.
He's not so far off ashes and dust himself, these days. Dean. The flippant, drifting ashes of a bright-blazing spark. Tired, burned out before thirty. Blazed too brightly. Smothered under too much ash.
No. No. He can come back, he can be who he was again. Altered, but blazing again. People can't just die inside like that without anyone noticing. He couldn't. I would have seen it.
I did see it, or something like it. I saw the anger, parts of the pain. I didn't pick up on tired, cause he always had so much energy. Tired was temporary. But now …
You can go on!
- Who says I want to? ...I'm tired, Sam.
Dead tired. He needs a holiday, a very long holiday. I'm just not sure he'd come back.
It's weird. I get this feelingthat 'rest' might turn into 'rest in peace'. That the last thing he needs is time off to brood. Brooding is my gig, so I know what I'm talking about.
He wouldn't kill himself, that's not his style. He'd just… get careless. While crossing the road, or talking to cops. Straying too close to the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Fortunately it's pretty academic, 'cause he can't really rest for a number of reasons. Being a fugitive from the law, being on the front line in the war against evil (and, like he says, how did that become his responsibility?).
Plus, he's likely to get annoyed unless he has a hunt on the go to justify his existence to himself.
But I don't believe that all the above weighs too much with him anymore. Let's be frank here – I think the only reason my brother isn't dead is that he wants to be there to protect me. I really, really hope I'm wrong. One person is not a strong enough anchor to the land of the living. And it scares me that Dean could be so reliant on anyone.
See, Dean seemed invinciblewhen I was a kid. He could do anything. Looking back, that's kinda stuck with me. I still look up to him. Even when he's an idiot and a jerk, or so annoying I want to tape his mouth shut and leave him for the wolves.
I could always lean on him, 'cause he was the strongest guy on Earth, after Dad. But I'm pretty heavy now, and Dean's pretty weighed down.
It sucks to think that he's human, and fallible, and mortal. I still don't actually believe it, though.
What can I do to help him? I'll always be there to listen, if he ever talks. To push him into talking when he won't. I'll die for him. I'll never willingly hurt him. I'll do whatever is needed. It's not over yet, 'cause I've got hope and I will fight for Dean's recovery – even if he doesn't want to let me
Even so, what I can do for him might not be enough. I'm just one person, and soon I may not even be that. Demon's got plans for me, remember?