Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Unfortunately, Dick Wolf does. #representationmatters
A/N 1: This idea popped up in my head when watching 19x02, "Mood". There are updates to This Feeling as well as Beauty in the pipe; I'm excited to post them and to hear your thoughts.
Jesse does not exist in this story.
On with the show. I had to write this one. :)
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What Are Words?
"Anywhere you are, I am near. Anywhere you go, I'll be there. Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see. Where every single promise I'll keep, cause what kind of girl would I be if I was to leave when you need me the most? What are words if you don't really mean them when you say them? What are words if they're only for good times then they're done? When it's love you say them out loud. Those words, they never go away."
Tan hands were shaking violently when Olivia Benson turned her key in the door lock to her apartment, pausing for a moment and holding the key in a slightly turned position to take a deep, calming breath, willing her anxiety to die down before entering her home. Beyond that very door was her little family waiting for her; Amanda Rollins, her girlfriend of three years, and their son Noah, probably immersed in another one of their shenanigans that the brunette found hilarious to watch. She always joked that she could not leave these two alone because Amanda was such a child at heart that she needed a sitter as well. Drawing in another deep breath, filling her lungs with much needed oxygen that she felt she was lacking, she opened the door only to have her breath once again taken away from her at what she saw.
Sprawled out on the couch and on top of each other were Noah and Amanda, huddled together under a soft blanket, the blonde's mouth slightly open, her hair disheveled, while she was protectively holding their son, who was curled up into a ball on top of her girlfriend, both of them peacefully snoozing away with the soft background noise of cartoons coming from the TV.
Fighting the heat behind her eyes that was rooted in upwelling tears, the brunette locked up and rid herself of her coat, boots, and purse before tiptoeing over to her loved ones and crouching down, unable to take her eyes off the two sleeping forms. Leaning over, Olivia gently kissed her son's forehead and brushed her fingers through thick, curly locks, smiling at how innocent he looked, unaware of his surroundings while he slept, deep, even breaths being emitted by the little boy.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of someone watching her. Normally, this feeling would creep up her spine and settle somewhere in her shoulders, making her tense up, but since she knew who was looking at her, that was not the case. When Olivia raised her gaze, sleepy blue eyes were blinking lazily back at her, Amanda smiling softly and clumsily raising her hand to brush back chestnut curls from the brunette's face.
Olivia flinched slightly at the sudden movement of the blonde's hand and Amanda instantaneously knew that something was wrong. A frown made its way to pale features and she gave her lieutenant and girlfriend a questioning look, but Olivia shook her head, squeezing the hand that was now resting on her cheek, a sign for Amanda that they would talk, but not right away.
The brunette pushed herself up into a standing position, scooping up a limp Noah in her arms to carry him to bed. The boy stirred momentarily, but only to snuggle deeper into his brunette mother's body as Olivia made her way to his bedroom. When Olivia had safely tucked Noah in, blue eyes fluttered open very briefly and her son gave her a sleepy smile, "Mommy. You're home."
Tears were burning in her eyes very persistently now as the brunette whispered hoarsely, "Yes, Baby. Mommy's home."
Noah was on his way back to dreamland when he mumbled, "Eddie?"
The brunette smiled and turned around, ready to grab the little stuffed elephant from the sideboard, but Eddie was already looking at her, Amanda holding him out for her to pluck him from her grasp and tuck him in with the little boy snuggling so comfortably into his pillows.
Smiling a soft thanks to the blonde, Olivia took the stuffed animal and lifted the sheets, Noah already holding out his hands to envelop his favorite fluffy friend in a hug. When the sheets were wrapped around both of them, the little boy was passing back out, mumbling, "Thanks, Mommy. I love you."
Raising her gaze to the ceiling, Olivia fought against her tears, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible, "I love you too, my sweet boy. Good night."
"Night. Manda?"
The brunette made room for her girl to say goodnight, watching as Amanda sat down on the side of the bed, kissing Noah's head gently, "I'm here, bud. Good night. I love you."
"Love you." The boy's words were only jumbled and he started breathing evenly, having fallen back asleep.
The blonde got up and changed the settings to Noah's bedside lamp, a soft glow now illuminating the room so the boy would not get scared when he woke up in the middle of the night.
When the two women stepped out Amanda closed the door softly and guided her girlfriend into their bedroom. She did not want to press the matter of what was wrong with Olivia so when the bedroom door was closed, the blonde excused herself to get her girlfriend some alone time to be able to process her feelings and be ready to talk when Amanda got back, so she squeezed a tan hand while she said, "I'm going to quickly hop in the shower, okay Baby?"
With her eyes darting over the blonde's features, she nodded, "Okay."
Smiling, Amanda leaned in and brought their lips together in a chaste kiss, "Okay, Baby. I'll be right back."
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When the blonde walked back into their bedroom with a towel wrapped around her waist, Olivia was on the phone, her glasses on, texting away to someone on the other end. The brunette's glasses always did things to Amanda, but she tried to ignore the light twitch between her legs because she knew that there was something her girlfriend needed to get off her chest. Something or someone had her very upset and the blonde detective needed to be there for her love.
Locking her phone, Olivia turned around after she heard the bedroom door open and her mouth immediately went awfully dry. Amanda was standing there, a towel enveloping her around the waist, every single one of her abdominal muscles perfectly accentuated when she fluffed out her just blow-dried flaxen locks, pale, perky breasts screaming for the brunette's attention.
Chocolate orbs darkened with desire and Olivia stalked over, her cell long forgotten on the sideboard, and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's slim waist, kissing her slowly, but deeply. They both groaned when their tongues met and the brunette removed her glasses, throwing them in the general direction of the bed, a thumping sound being heard, indicating that she had hit her goal. Amanda, however, gently pushed at Olivia's shoulders, trying to get her attention. When her attempts remained unsuccessful, she pushed harder, knowing that her girlfriend would stop instantaneously when she felt more pressure.
As anticipated Olivia broke the kiss, both women's breathing having become slightly ragged, "Manda, are you okay?"
The blonde nodded, "I'm okay, Baby. But you're not."
Biting her lip, Olivia breathed, "Can we not talk about this now, please? I… I need…" The brunette kissed the other woman once again, conveying what she was unable to express verbally in that moment; that she needed the comfort of feeling her love's warm body against hers, skin on skin, while they slid together, perfectly fitted, making love all night.
When plush lips descended a creamy neckline, Amanda's breath hitched, goose bumps rising all over her body, "Baby, we will have to talk about this eventually."
Diverting her attention back to the blonde detective's face, Olivia looked deeply into her girlfriend's eyes, a storm raging in chocolate orbs, "I know. And we will. I promise. Just… not now? Please?"
After a moment of hesitation Amanda nodded her head and leaned in to kiss the brunette, but this time her love was the one to pull back; she had to be sure, "Are you okay with this?"
Cupping a tan cheek with her hand, watching how Olivia leaned into the gentle touch, Amanda whispered, "Yes, Baby." She knew that consent was always the most important thing for her girlfriend; she also knew that if the blonde had any doubts, Olivia would stop, no matter how badly she needed her, and Amanda loved her even more for that. "Just let us put your duty belt and gun away. To be safe, okay?"
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When her gun and badge were safely locked away and her duty belt discarded, Olivia recaptured Amanda's lips, a surge of emotion suddenly filling her chest, which made her pour every ounce of love she felt for the shorter woman into their kiss, her tongue slipping inside the blonde's warmth, once again tangling with its mate so easily.
Amanda walked them to the foot of the bed and the brunette sat down, breaking the kiss in the process. Pulling the blonde in by her waist to stand between her legs, Olivia kissed Amanda's stomach, trailing her tongue liberally, tracing the lines and the creases between her abs carefully, remembering every inch of her girlfriend's beautiful body. Threading her fingers through chestnut curls, the blonde gasped and swayed lightly at the feeling of her love's tongue caressing her stomach so freely, so tenderly, and she pressed a light kiss to a brunette head.
Olivia used Amanda's new position to her advantage and captured a pink, already stiff nipple between her lips, swirling her tongue around it before suckling lightly and tugging at the towel around her girlfriend's waist. The blonde's eyes rolled back and a strangled sound left her mouth, missing the touch immediately when Olivia let her stiff peak go to look her over.
Cocoa orbs were roaming her body while the towel dropped to the floor, and Amanda let her girlfriend have this moment, caressing every inch of her skin with her eyes; her breasts, her stomach, her bare mound, freshly shaved and smooth, her legs. While usually Amanda would shy away from such scrutiny, she let the taller woman stare, the level of trust established between them after three years of being together.
She knew Olivia would never do anything to hurt her and when tan hands tickled up the backs of her thighs, she squirmed lightly, barely able to hold back her giggle. The blonde looked down and both women's eyes met, Olivia grinning at her because of course the brunette knew her girlfriend was ticklish in these spots.
Taking Olivia's face in both her hands, Amanda brought their lips back together before whispering, "I need to feel you, Baby."
With that, Olivia's suit jacket was removed and the younger woman untucked the grass-green blouse her girlfriend was wearing from black pants. Lifting her arms, the brunette let Amanda pull the blouse over her head and haphazardly fling it across the room along with her bra. The blonde held her hands out for Olivia to take and helped her stand, continuing to disrobe her by unbuttoning her slacks and ridding her girl of her panties. When the last article of clothing had dropped to the floor, the two detectives brought their lips together yet again, both groaning when they touched with their full body lengths for the first time. Amanda turned them around, her back to the bed now, as she sat down and scooted up to the headboard, Olivia crawling with her, only breaking the kiss when there was a cracking sound being heard, making both of them flinch and look at the brunette's right knee. Below her kneecap were her glasses, the black frame now split in two and Olivia chuckled, taking the two parts and throwing them to the floor, "Ooops."
That was all the attention her broken glasses got because she aligned her face with her girlfriend's again to resume the kiss they had been locked in just moments prior. Drawing in a shuddering breath, Amanda cupped the brunette's cheek as their tongues danced together, the world around them having come to a screeching halt, the pair the only ones existing in that very moment.
Air became a necessity and they parted, breathing deeply as their eyes opened and locked onto each other. Nuzzling the younger woman's cheek with her nose, Olivia pressed a featherlight kiss there and asked, "Are you okay?"
A wave of emotion rolled through Amanda's body at these words; the brunette knew that she had switched their positions on purpose, the blonde now lying underneath her girlfriend so as not to make her uncomfortable when being so upset. Olivia, however, mindful of Amanda's own trauma, now searched the blonde's face for any sign of discomfort. Amanda felt a sudden heat rise behind her eyes as tears started burning in them and she pulled her love into a tight hug, spreading her legs to connect them even more intimately, soft gasps escaping them when their cores touched.
Amanda's answer was a choked, breathless whisper, "I'm perfect." Turning her head to the side she kissed the taller woman's ear and held her close, pale fingers tangled into chestnut curls as she nosed her girlfriend's hair, and the two women just lay there for a moment, breathing each other in, letting their love for one another envelop them like a soft, warm blanket.
When Olivia pushed herself back up, she studied her girlfriend's face for a long time, searching her features. Amanda once again let her, shaky breaths leaving her, but she was patient, giving the brunette all the time she needed.
Olivia took the blonde in, branding every single detail of her face permanently into every corner of her brain, knowing that this was where she was safe; in Amanda's eyes, deep pools of ocean blue staring back at her, their bodies tangled together, feeling her girlfriend's love and seeing the gentleness in her expression. This woman was her safe haven, her home.
"I love you, Amanda," Olivia whispered, her voice reverent, "I love you so much."
The blonde leaned up and kissed her girlfriend then, deeply, sealing the other woman's lips as if to answer her sweet promise with her own. A desperate fervency was starting to arise in their kiss as both women poured all their desire into it, heat simmering low in their bellies, their bodies twined together, their movements becoming slightly more frenzied.
The lights of the city outside was pouring into the room through the blinds, illuminating their skin on some parts, while others stayed in the shadows, their lips never still, but searching for new purchase constantly.
Olivia adjusted her position by straddling Amanda's right thigh, giving her more leverage to let her lips and tongue glide along a pale shoulder and along her collarbone to the hollow of the blonde's neck. Sighing, Amanda craned her neck to give her love better access, Olivia using their position to her advantage, tracing idle fingers along her girlfriend's thigh, across her hip and flexing stomach, ending their journey by cupping a pert breast, squeezing softly and rubbing sensitive skin, beginning to roll a pink nipple between her thumb and forefinger while plush lips descended to envelop the other.
A strangled moan pushed its way forth from the blonde's lips, a plethora of sensations rolling through her body in waves, and she started thrusting her hips into nothing at the feeling of her girlfriend loving her body so thoroughly, so gently.
The brunette's right hand trickled down her stomach once again, Amanda's abs twitching lightly, and made its way to the apex of muscular thighs and nudging her left leg a little for the blonde to open it wider.
Amanda was slowly going crazy with want, her need to touch heightening, and while she had gone with holding on to her girlfriend, she could not wait any longer; shifting lightly on the mattress, the blonde pushed her thigh up into Olivia's core while cupping both breasts with her hands, rubbing circles on cocoa nipples.
The brunette's hips jerked and her mouth fell open, both women moaning throatily; Olivia at the feeling of her hyper-sensitive body being touched, Amanda at the slick wetness that coated her thigh, and the blonde croaked, "You're so wet, Baby."
Olivia's hips started a gentle thrusting motion and the taller woman shuddered, nuzzling the spot just below Amanda's ear with her nose before whispering hotly, "Just for you. Always for you. You did this."
As the brunette's tongue flitted out and rimmed the shell of her ear, Amanda groaned and her core jerked, once again, her fingers tickling down her girlfriend's spine to settle on her backside. The blonde squeezed the two globes gently, encouraging Olivia to move a little more intensely against her, "I've got you, Baby. Let go."
The brunette whimpered and her breathing stuttered; she pushed herself up, her arms on either side of the blonde's face, their eyes interlocked, the heat increasing between them with each movement and the longer they stared, "I want to come together," Olivia hoarsely breathed. With that, the older woman pressed another small kiss to her girlfriend's lips before sitting up fully, never breaking eye-contact. Reaching back, she braced herself on Amanda's knee with her left hand, slowly, steadily rocking her hips.
Blue eyes darkened even more and pupils dilated, Amanda instinctively reaching up to once again cup her love's breasts, tenderly massaging the two perfect globes in her hands. Olivia gasped and smiled softly at her girl, prying the blonde's left hand away from her breast and bringing it up to her lips. She kissed pale fingertips softly before taking Amanda's fore- and middle fingers into her hot, wet mouth, suckling lightly and letting her tongue swirl around them.
"Fuck, Liv," the blonde said, her eyes fluttering, her voice not more than a whine.
Letting the two fingers go, the brunette leaned back forward and trailed her right hand down between Amanda's legs, tickling the inside of her girlfriend's left thigh, watching her every reaction. The blonde's cleavage was flushed, tiny beads of sweat having formed across her chest as she was still looking up at the brunette, trusting and breathless, "Please, Liv. Please touch me."
Searching Amanda's face, Olivia pressed the pads of her fingers against the blonde's center ever so lightly, gasping at the wetness that was seeping out of the other woman, having covered her whole center and inner thighs. When she brushed Amanda's clit with a featherlight touch, she watched the younger woman's eyes roll back under her lids as she jumped and moaned, "Please, Baby."
Olivia fused their lips together in a frenzied kiss, tenderly slipping her middle finger into Amanda at the same time her tongue slid inside, making the blonde groan into her mouth.
Starting a slow, careful pulsing rhythm, the brunette broke the kiss to watch her girlfriend's face, her open mouth, her plush lips parted and kiss-swollen, Olivia feeling almost delirious at seeing her love like this, vulnerable and panting beneath her, head thrown back and golden locks splayed across the pillow.
When the brunette started to curl her fingers, blue eyes flew open, Amanda's left hand gripping Olivia's right arm, her hips starting to meet the fingers inside her, hard.
"Baby, right there. Oh God, don't stop."
Olivia's hips ground down on a pale thigh harder, her clit being stimulated perfectly from this angle, and the two lovers stared into each other's eyes, their souls connected. Their free hands found each other next to a blonde head, both women's fingers intertwining. The brunette's lips brushed along the hollow of her lover's neck and her jawline, "I love you, Manda."
They picked up her pace, grinding harder, sliding together faster as they gasped for air, their bodies starting to tremble.
Squeezing her girlfriend's wrist, Amanda choked, "Fuck, you're gonna make me come."
Olivia pumped faster at hearing the blonde's voice, hot puffs of air hitting her lips and they kissed, the brunette adding her thumb to circle Amanda's clit. It gradually got harder to move her arm with the blonde's walls closing around her fingers, pale, muscular thighs twitching, a sign of Amanda's impending orgasm.
The brunette felt the coil in her lower belly as well as a multitude of other feelings coursing through her at watching her girl, and she husked, "Let go, Baby. I'm right there with you. Right there."
When Amanda heard her love's voice hot against her she broke, her back arching off the mattress and a strangled groan ripping from her throat as she came, Olivia watching in awe and trembling through her own orgasm, both women's hips thrusting furiously as they rode wave after wave of their climaxes, suppressed cries leaving their lips, mindful of the little human sleeping just two rooms down the hallway.
The last tremors shook their bodies and Olivia lost her balance, unceremoniously collapsing on top of Amanda, chests heaving and their still heavy pants filling the silence of the room. Sweat covered both of their bodies as the blonde wrapped her arms around Olivia's voluptuous form, her fingertips trailing up and down her spine while her girlfriend carded her fingers through flaxen locks, the two women just laying there, relishing in the afterglow.
Olivia clumsily reached down in search for a part of the sheets she could grasp. When she found a corner of the crisp cotton, rustling could be heard as the brunette covered their rapidly cooling bodies.
Noses were tucked into hair, the two detectives just breathing in each other's redolence, fingers languidly stroking damp flesh, lazy kisses being exchanged until their breathing had evened out.
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Olivia and Amanda lay under the covers, facing each other now, their arms serving as pillows for the respective other, their legs tangled beneath the sheets. Chocolate orbs were locked onto ocean blue as they both smiled. The brunette was the first one to break the silence, "I love you, Manda."
Cupping her girlfriend's cheek tenderly, Amanda leaned in and connected their lips in a lazy, open-mouthed kiss, "I love you too, Liv."
More silence was what followed, but the blonde knew that her love was ready to talk; so she waited. She did not have to wait long; after looking at the blonde, searching her face for clues that indicated that she could start talking, Olivia drew in a deep breath before mumbling, "I went to see Cassidy today."
She had not yet finished the sentence when Amanda's whole body tensed up, her jaw going slack at her girlfriend's words, but Olivia shook her head, reaching up to smooth out the deep crease that had formed on the blonde's forehead, "After you told me about what Lasky said, I went to confront Brian. He told that Michelle person at the DA's office everything about my therapy, William Lewis, and you; now she takes all that to make me look like an unfit mother and I just couldn't leave it like that. I had to talk to him. Be that as it may, I got upset, he started yelling at me and when my back was turned to him he grabbed me. Out of nowhere. I haven't jumped out of my skin like that in years, Manda; and it really scared me. He scared me."
Amanda's jaw was still grinding when she scooted closer to her girl underneath the covers, her fingers playing with mahogany locks, plush lips kissing a tan forehead, "I'm so sorry, Baby. I wish I could have been there. I would have taught him. You're safe here. I love you."
Tears were burning behind cocoa orbs at her lover's concern, "I know, my love. I know. I was in really bad shape, but as soon as I came through the door, everything was already better. Then, when I was in your arms, it was gone. You're my everything and my rock in the raging storm. I know that I sound incredibly cheesy, but –"
Her rant was interrupted by Amanda's fingers hovering over her lips, "I love you, Olivia. And I will be by your side as long as you'll have me."
With that, their lips fused together for the umpteenth time that night, I love you's being whispered into the night every time the two women parted; as they rolled around on the bed it started raining outside, heavy droplets splashing against the window pane, and while Amanda's lips caressed every inch of Olivia's body tenderly, the brunette threaded her fingers through blonde locks, yet again, grateful that she had found her woman and to be able to spend the rest of her life with her and their son.
Home.
Safe.
"And I know an angel was sent just for me. And I know I'm meant to be where I am and I'm gonna be. Standing right beside her tonight and I'm gonna be by her side. I would never leave when she needs me most."
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A/N 2: Thank you for reading. The quotes in the beginning and the end are taken from the song What Are Words by The Piano Boys feat. Peter & Evynne Hollens.
Drop me a review; they rock my world.
Until next time, my darlings.