A/N: This has pretty much been my favorite pairing for the last three years, so I'm sorry that I couldn't offer it a better fic than this. I put my best out for them. Written at midnight, MGM owns my soul...I mean SG-1. Oh yeah, this occurs after "Divide and Conquer" and I guess "Window of Oppurtunity" because of all the lame magnet references (don't tell me that wasn't the most classic Jack moment ever). xD WOO AMBIGUOUS ENDING
He stood on the edge of the universe and looked out pretending he couldn't see her. He pretended that the world was too dark behind Bugaboo glacier glasses for him to read the shadows on her face, and that the subtle rippling of the horizon was too deafening for him to hear his name on her lips. He pretended that the quirked smile she repressed at his sarcasm was one she would give a hobo on the street- not that there were many streets on this desolate hell of a world.
He pretended.
And then gave in.
"What was that, Carter?"
Her eyes shuttered closed for a minute, like she was repressing the urge to sigh, and then repeated herself. "I said that as long as we cover enough angles with our equipment, we shouldn't need to stay on this planet for the solar flare. I don't think there's anyone around to tamper with the data either because the UAV fly-by turned up no signs of life whatsoever." She shifted slightly and he braced himself. "Sir, this is incredible! It's actually possible that the electromagnetic waves here are amplified because of the lack of absorbent tissue usually found in organisms, which obviously could lead to a reverse reaction such as a thermal-"
"For crying out loud! What do I look like, a rocket scientist?!"
"…sorry, sir."
"Oh, don't be sorry, Carter. It's all quite exciting for me as well, what with the…thermal…magnets at work here. What an experience." Crap, there was that smile again. Like she was afraid if let her humor show completely Woolsey would pop out of the ground and shoot her for breaking regulations. Like anyone could see it just like he could, once he stopped pretending.
That she loved him.
He wondered if they would be able to tell as easily that he loved her. The question bit at him whenever he lay sleeplessly in bed or swirled the coffee in his mug during boring briefings or visited planets that were magnetically active or whatever. He squinted up at the sun for a split second and when he looked away, the world changed colors.
He heard Carter snort at his pained reaction, even though she couldn't see his eyes behind the dark shield of his sunglasses. "Sir, you probably shouldn't look directly at the sun. Besides, you wouldn't be able to see the flare from this distance, if you think about it."
"Isn't it obvious I wasn't thinking about it, Carter?" he groaned, trying to recover.
That smile again.
There was an edge between them, between the way they loved each other. For Carter, it showed through in the little things. The shape her face took when he was hurt or disagreed or joked or touched her. Even the way she went a little rigid when he was too close to her, like there was too much friction in the heat between them. He could see her unacceptable feeling written in every motion now that she had admitted it.
Jack was different. His face, he knew, stayed characteristically blank almost every moment with her- at least, every moment other people could see. But the big things, the things that really mattered- those were what gave him away. How he would never, never leave her behind. How the blade between them pierced him, slicing and whistling, Just go, just go, and he ignored it no matter how deep it drove because he couldn't let go of her.
"All done here, sir," she said cheerfully. In the harsh light the sun against her hair moved like lit gold and made him think of reflections against flat steel. Her eyes were too big and too blue and too deep, and when they met his he felt like he was drenched in the event horizon, falling through a wormhole to a place regulations demanded he never go. He couldn't stand it.
"Great, then we're outta here. Daniel, dial us home." Zhun. Zhun. Zhun. Zhun. Zhun. Zhun. Zhun. He counted the buttons, hands resting noncommittally on his weapon.
The wormhole spurted into life, Daniel keyed his GDO, and he and Teal'c stepped through to Earth. Jack was about to follow them, and then he heard her call his name.
He stood on the edge of the universe and looked out pretending he couldn't see her. He pretended that the cap shadowing his face was too impenetrable for him to read her beautiful uncertain expression, and that the quiet burble of the gate was too overwhelming for him to hear her speak. He pretended that he would never show his weakness, never give her the words she needed to hear, that he would always walk along the edge of the rules he had sworn himself to.
He pretended.
And then gave in. Every time.
"What was that, Carter?"
Her eyes shuttered closed for a minute, like she was repressing the urge to cry, and then repeated herself. "I said… I know that…since the Zatarc incident- I just, sir, I can't help wondering if anything is ever going to change so I - so we…"
He'd wondered too, what was finally going to have to break for them. Even if he'd pretended he hadn't.
Jack turned away from the waiting wormhole, quashing his mental image of Daniel's impatient, "They were right behind us!", and walked over to his junior officer. Slowly. Carefully. Like he was balancing on the sharpest thinnest line in all the worlds. She looked up at him with glistening eyes and her mouth turned down in the way she had when she was swallowing something painful. They were both too aware of what was metaphorically in between them, and how physically there was nothing. There was just an edge.
"Carter…" he started talking and realized that he had nowhere to go without changing something. Dismiss her and they would break and if they were broken everything was lost or tell her the truth and the blade would break and if it was broken they would have to leave every last solar flare and undiscovered magnet behind.
He pulled off his sunglasses.
He tipped back his hat.
"Screw this," he muttered, and then he threw himself over the edge.